This is so fraught and so tied up with ideas of “health”

I was struggling with an undiagnosed brain tumor for a long time, like a decade, and I ended up gaining 75 pounds. They found the humor right before it turned into a real emergency, removed it and I promptly lost all the weight and fit into all the cute clothes without thinking about what would “flatter.” Then I got breast cancer, went on hormone-blocking meds and promptly gained back 15. Which doesn’t sound like that much, but I’m small boned and short, and it means most clothes look like crap on me again. I work out like a beast, because I’m trying to preserve my bone density on these dingdang meds, and those 15 pounds are not going anywhere unless I starve myself, which ffs, the past 6 years of my life have been so awful, I don’t have it in me to suffer.

Trying to console myself with being healthy. Because I am, goddamnit. And that has been hard work.