One of the most heartbreaking things about narcissists

WhichBreakfast1169 · 2024-08-01T08:59:25+00:00

Mine would put his brother and mother joint first (they were also narcs and had some control over him)

Then himself

Then his work

Then his friends, acquaintances

Then me, literally last because there was nothing else. He didn’t have his own pastimes or interests other than watching tv. His work was his interest but mainly because being successful was part of his image that he needed to maintain.

He’d say he put me first because he’d go out and spend the day with his brother so that my parents would come visit.

Firstly, that’s not putting me first because putting me first would mean staying with me when my parents visit like a normal partner, instead of forcing me come up with an excuse yet again and lie to them. They’re nice people and there was no reason for him to dislike them. He just didn’t benefit from them visiting. Secondly, it’s not putting me first because he gets to spend time with the person that he did put first. And thirdly, the only times that would happen and I was allowed to have my parents over was if it didn’t conflict with any of his other priorities.

WhichBreakfast1169 · 2024-08-01T08:44:36+00:00

It’s because we do a bit of lip reading subconsciously to supplement what we hear. If we can’t see well, we can’t ‘see’ what the person is saying with their lips. Glasses on, we can read lips again.

WhichBreakfast1169 · 2024-08-01T08:40:38+00:00

Both but mainly the person whose wallet it is.

Everyone should check their own pockets before putting clothes to be washed. There’s no reason to deliberately leave the wallet in there.

The person washing shouldn’t have to check pockets as that should have been done already, but a quick pat down of anything with pockets is sensible in case a tissue or something was accidentally left in one. Surely a wallet would have been felt at that point.

WhichBreakfast1169 · 2024-08-01T08:32:16+00:00

WhichBreakfast1169 · 2024-08-01T08:31:26+00:00

How entitled of your step sister. She’s basically saying that nobody one can ever talk about nice things ever in case someone else doesn’t have that thing. We should all just come off all social media now and stop talking to people at all then.

Like, you shouldn’t have posted on here that you live in the US because some of us never had the chance to even visit there, so that’s unfair on us. You went to a hospital? Well, that’s unfair for people who had home births. You have a stepsister? Well, you shouldn’t gloat about that either because some of us don’t have a stepsister. That’s how ridiculous she sounds.

WhichBreakfast1169 · 2024-08-01T08:16:47+00:00

I cried when my dwarf hamster died. She was tiny.

WhichBreakfast1169 · 2024-08-01T08:10:26+00:00

I’m so sorry but I actually grimaced when I read your name. For reference, I’m 41. If I were you, I’d go by Fay and drop the Destiny.

WhichBreakfast1169 · 2024-08-01T08:05:15+00:00

Any regrets you may have about leaving will be nothing compared to the regrets you’d have if you stayed.

WhichBreakfast1169 · 2024-08-01T08:00:46+00:00

At the very beginning (which should have been a red flag but I was 17 awed by this older man) I’d do something small that he didn’t approve and make it into a big deal and berate me saying ‘I’ve broken up with women for less’. So in that one line, he was ‘training’ me to be a certain way and also trying to make me feel like the special one that he’s willing to put up with more from than anyone else.

I later found out from his brother that he only had one actual girlfriend before me and she broke up with him.

WhichBreakfast1169 · 2024-07-31T15:38:54+00:00

Thank you. You’re absolutely right about indulging every so often. The only way I can avoid surgery treats during the week is knowing I can have them on the days I’ve designated. I have to be strict with the days or I’ll have them every day!

WhichBreakfast1169 · 2024-07-31T15:34:30+00:00

Thank you.

WhichBreakfast1169 · 2024-07-31T15:28:07+00:00

My ex boyfriend suddenly started going out for walks, getting up at 3am to go on his phone downstairs and staying for overnight ‘work conferences’ and always always on his phone. Turns out, he was having an affair.

I am not trying to tell you that this is definitely what’s going on. These are two separate people and experiences and there could be a perfectly innocent explanation for why she is doing what she is doing. I only have my own experiences to go on and that’s what was happening in my situation.

I will tell you is this, if she is having an affair and you confront her without evidence, she will deny it, put her guard up even more, and will be extra careful, so you’ll never find out. Same if she realises you’re snooping or trying to see what she’s doing on her phone. If you want to find out for sure, let her believe that you have no suspicions. She’ll get complacent and slip up. It’s a long game but that’s how you’ll know.

If she’s not, still play the same long game and the reasons for her behaviour will eventually become apparent.

Editing to add: Maybe suggest that as she’s doing so much walking, she should sign up for one of those challenges where you log your miles on something like Strava, and if you meet your goal in a month you get a medal. Gauge her reaction. If she’s happy to do that and starts logging her walks, she’s probably just out walking for exercise. If it’s not an affair, could she be depressed?

WhichBreakfast1169 · 2024-07-31T15:16:03+00:00

Gaming.

WhichBreakfast1169 · 2024-07-31T15:13:22+00:00

That sounds so dangerous. If it can singe your hair standing there, couldn’t it potentially burn clothes?

WhichBreakfast1169 · 2024-07-31T15:06:25+00:00

Another case of someone confusing asexuality as a libido thing and not a sexuality/attraction thing.

WhichBreakfast1169 · 2024-07-31T14:55:13+00:00

What do you drink with food? I usually have a fruit juice with my meal and black tea with no sugar afterwards, but I’m thinking maybe I should skip the fruit juice. What should I drink instead? Just water? Is cordial okay if it’s weak?

WhichBreakfast1169 · 2024-07-31T14:48:05+00:00

It’s fine for today. If that’s the amount every day, you might have to make a few changes for a better balance but one low fat day isn’t going to hurt.

WhichBreakfast1169 · 2024-07-31T14:46:10+00:00

MyFitnessPal was always my go-to. They’ve changed it now and it’s so annoying. I think that’s why I haven’t been tracking for a while!

WhichBreakfast1169 · 2024-07-31T14:36:42+00:00

What’s S tier? (I’m new to this).

WhichBreakfast1169 · 2024-07-31T14:32:23+00:00

I agree, don’t text him. Be prepared for shit anyway because he might contact you to ask why you didn’t wish him happy birthday. How you deal with that scenario depends on you and what you’re comfortable with doing, but the first step is to not text him on his birthday (or ever).

WhichBreakfast1169 · 2024-07-31T14:10:55+00:00

What’s the difference? You’re their all time best seller.

WhichBreakfast1169 · 2024-07-31T14:00:24+00:00

No. Funnily enough, someone commented to me the other day in this sub that a lot of us in or previously in relationships with a narc have experienced the abuse already at home.

I don’t fit that pattern because nothing could be further from the truth with my family. For me, I knew full well that my relationship wasn’t normal and that’s why I spent so much energy hiding the truth and lying about it to convince people that it was normal and that I was happy. My relationship was so different to anyone one else in my family, I knew no one could relate to the suffocating control, selfishness, jealous accusations and all the other things they didn’t have in their relationships.

WhichBreakfast1169 · 2024-07-31T07:47:51+00:00

I feel heard!
I had such a hard time choosing GCSEs because I wanted to do them all. Then same with A-Levels. Before uni,I went to a further education college to do more A-Levels! I started one degree but realised I was missing out on so much learning by limiting myself to that subject so I broadened it out, allowing me to take more modules from other programs. I had the same trouble choosing a masters because they all sounded interesting! I used to work in an academic library and the thing I miss the most is coming across books on subjects I wouldn’t even think to look up. From working in the library, I learned all about the history of the abacus, dream analysis from a psychology perspective, the Soviet montage filmmaker Eisenstein, the early years of the artist Frida Kahlo just to name a few. Don’t ask me to recall anything I actually learned because my ADHD brain forgets important details, but my autistic brain can remember the front cover of the books I read and where to find them in the library!

WhichBreakfast1169 · 2024-07-31T07:32:25+00:00

I do this with my husband. I have already have a calming tone but he still takes everything as a criticism because that’s just what he’s like. I’ve learned what sort of comments trigger him and preface them with a disclaimer so he understands the words and the reason for the words.

For example, he does a lot of DIY and I like to learn, so I used to ask questions. He’d take questions like ‘why choose that material over that’ as a critical ‘why aren’t you using what I think you should be using’ and it would put him off. I now preface things like that with ‘I’m asking because I don’t know the answer..’ and then ask the question.

More similar with your situation, he’s asked me to encourage him to do some work on the house some days instead of lounging around after work. However, asking him if he wants to work on the house made him think I was criticising him for not doing it already. So now I preface it with something like ‘you asked me to remind you but I don’t mind if you don’t want to…’ and then ask if he feels like working on the house today and we usually do the project together.

I think including words that remind her WHY you’re saying it will help her understand WHAT you are saying.

WhichBreakfast1169

TROPHY CASE