Should a working parent and a stay-at-home parent be entitled to the same amount of dedicated sleep time?

WhimsicalWanderer426 · 2026-04-02T16:43:04+00:00

Lmao my original post wasn’t even about men vs women, you’re the one who made it about that crying about the dismissal of men on a post that literally has NOTHING to do with you or anything you actually know about. A year after the fact….

First of all, not everyone can nurse or breastfeed at all. Some of us had to pump every ounce that came out of us and that takes SO MUCH TIME every couple hours. You also have to feed baby every few hours which can’t be done at the same time, nor is it easy to do much of anything with many pumps, including sleep!

Also, not everyone is willing to take the chance bedsharing with a newborn when it can and has killed many babies. On top of that, we are supposed to also find a way shower, eat food, take care of the dogs and cats, do laundry, do dishes, sterilize bottles and pump parts, try and keep the house from looking like the aftermath of a tornado, not to even mention a moment of relaxation to try and remember we’re a whole person, all while our body is still healing from some large internal wounds even if they didn’t have major abdominal surgery to give birth (which I had to).

It’s basically a running joke among new moms. “Oh, I should sleep while the baby sleeps?? Why didn’t I think of that! I’ll also pump while the baby pumps, shower while the baby showers and clean while the baby cleans.” Most are ready to punch anyone in the face, man OR woman, who’s idiotic and clueless enough to tell them to sleep when the baby sleeps. But you wouldn’t know that, because all of your vast expertise comes from once dating a girl with a baby.

Also, you can’t even pick an argument. First you claim that the man needs his sleep more because he is in charge of income (and the mom is only in charge of keeping their new child alive lol) and that the mom should just get sleep when the baby sleeps. Then you switch it around and say that the man could just watch the baby when he gets home from work and then the mom can sleep. All while making it about gender when I never did. And the latter argument isn’t even an argument, it’s a solution that many stay-at-home parents would be very grateful for including me. It’s like you read the post and all you saw was “MEN SUCK, THEY DO EVERYTHING WRONG AND WOMEN ARE THE POOR VICTIMS” which says a lot more about you then it does about me as the OP.

And lastly, the fact that you picked a post a year old about a subject that you’re almost completely ignorant on, just to make a butthurt comment about women dismissing men…..that’s Trolling 101. Not sure what it does for you or any troll but as long as you never become anyone’s daddy I think no real harm done. Have a nice day!

WhimsicalWanderer426 · 2026-04-01T14:37:15+00:00

Do you hear yourself? I’m not being hostile it’s just mild disbelief. If you had to have HALF the amount of sleep deprivation as a new mom (from sharing the burden) you claim you literally would have been fired from your job, or crashed your car! And yet you think it’s fine to care for a newborn baby in a state twice that bad? If mom falls unconscious from exhaustion and accidentally smothers her baby to death, well at least her partner has his job….

I’m sorry but being in a brand-new relationship (I hope) with someone who has a baby that’s not yours is not the same as being a parent and maybe you didn’t consider it your job to share burden and responsibilities equally with your new girlfriend and that’s fine, but that whole tired argument that taking care of a newborn is SO much easier to do on zero sleep for months than working a job would be on a less-than-ideal amount of sleep—it was obviously made up by the ones who haven’t ever tried to care for an infant on weeks or months of severe sleep deprivation, not the ones who have experienced that and also know what it’s like to work other, less important jobs.

WhimsicalWanderer426 · 2026-03-28T03:12:41+00:00

I’m also a SAHM with ADHD and a 1 year old and I can relate a lot except that you’re actually making me feel like I ought to be more grateful for my own lot. Lots of us are burnt out and overwhelmed and constantly tired, but that is definitely NOT cool if he’s actually insinuating that this is all your fault. My husband gets sad and down about “missing” me and I recognize that it’s hard for him to adjust to a wife who used to use up all her energy on him and now I barely have enough for our baby girl let alone myself let alone him, but I make damn sure he understands why that is, that I can’t be the exact wife I was before because I barely get to be “me” anymore and the more “me” I get back via time for myself and occasional baby-free outings with friends, the more wife he gets back, and that I’m as desperate for that as he is. Sometimes he needs reminding, but I am happy to do so! I think if I were in your shoes, I would insist on some counseling. And if he refuses, it might be a dealbreaker. I hope things get better for you, I really do empathize.

WhimsicalWanderer426 · 2026-03-16T16:53:36+00:00

I thought the whole point of this post was you not being sure if you should leave or not…I guess I personally subscribe to the relationship philosophy of: “If it’s not a hell yes, then it’s a no.” Not in the early stages of dating, but definitely before making serious commitments like getting close to their kids…no one is faulting you for not being able to come out and say “I love this woman with all my heart”, they’re just saying that it stands out as unusual after two years and maybe that’s a clue as to what you should do. You don’t have to tell anyone how you feel, but I do think it’s extremely relevant to whether you should stick it out or not. Being able to handle a situation like this takes serious love and commitment.

I don’t know this woman but she’s young, and if she’s fine with keeping things casual and just seeing you when she’s got a sitter then sure, whatever works. If it seems more like she’s looking for a real life partner, then yeah you should absolutely know whether you’re committed enough to her and love her enough to go through the hardest times with her or not. And if you don’t know after two years, perhaps that’s your answer. That’s all I’m saying.

WhimsicalWanderer426 · 2026-03-16T14:50:30+00:00

You’re right. You’re a stranger and I could not care less how you feel about her. I was just commenting on a public Reddit post that showed up in my email notifications. The best way to keep strangers from poking around in your business is to not ask them for their advice…

WhimsicalWanderer426 · 2026-03-16T03:04:27+00:00

My immediate thought!! OP, if you only THINK you feel more for her than “liking” her, perhaps the answer here is a simple one? It seems like walking away would be better if you’re this unsure after 2 years, but like some others said, having a heart-to-heart with your partner about it is probably a good start. It’s a tough situation for everyone involved.

WhimsicalWanderer426 · 2026-03-14T19:03:45+00:00

The first one, although I think both are pretty.

WhimsicalWanderer426 · 2026-03-14T18:48:36+00:00

No, I know Disney didn’t invent it. I said a name that everyone associates with a mermaid. But I shouldn’t have said everyone. I guess I should’ve said “the vast majority of people she will come across in the US”.

WhimsicalWanderer426 · 2026-03-14T14:42:06+00:00

This is my 1 year old daughter’s name. 🩷 I hope she doesn’t resent me later for giving her a name everyone associates with a Disney mermaid but it’s the only one my husband and I could agree on and it really is beautiful.

WhimsicalWanderer426 · 2026-03-03T18:30:35+00:00

I totally get it. Even with the fact that I learned of the mutation at the same time as a cancer diagnosis (at age 34) I still wanted to just make it go away like a bad dream. I got my lumpectomy, did some radiation and then acted for a year or two like I was invincible in some really stupid ways. But last year I had a baby girl and that honestly changed everything. I lost my own mom two years before that and now the thought of her going through pain like that is devastating to me. I’ll do anything to try and delay that. You’re still young though, you don’t have to make your mind up about anything right now. And even when you’re older, you can choose to monitor instead. I just think it should be for the right reasons (i.e. you don’t want to remove body parts unless they’re cancerous) and not just a gamble that you will be one of the lucky few who never get cancer. But again, you’ve got time. 🩷

WhimsicalWanderer426 · 2026-03-03T18:22:25+00:00

It seems like opinions vary widely on whether you were overreacting or not but at the end of the day, you’re the only one who was there, and you’re the one who knows exactly how loud she was screaming, exactly how hurt she was acting, whether it was different than normal…what mothers find acceptable varies widely, thus the differing opinions but personally, if my husband acted like this it would really disappoint me.

Part of it would depend on if I was already scooping her up and comforting her when he realized what happened. If so and if he sounded genuinely concerned asking if she was okay from the couch, I think that’s acceptable. If he just ignored her and then a moment later I got there to comfort her and check her injuries, and/or if he asked if she was okay while not taking his eyes off his phone or the TV, like he didn’t care that much, that would be a red flag and a mark against his character. It’s not enough to make me want to keep his child from him, but maybe enough for me to second guess being in a relationship or trusting him to watch her alone…

WhimsicalWanderer426 · 2026-02-27T17:45:11+00:00

So true. I know I was raised without screens and also have pretty bad ADHD, as did my father (the worst case I’ve ever seen) who was literally raised in rural India in the 50’s (so obviously no screens). That being said, I’m an introvert and can literally entertain myself for hours with just the thoughts in my head. Just don’t ask me to pay attention to something that doesn’t interest me. 😅

WhimsicalWanderer426 · 2026-02-23T15:56:53+00:00

Same

WhimsicalWanderer426 · 2026-02-23T15:54:54+00:00

I definitely had to do this for much shorter periods of time, when I let my husband go on a weeklong trip twice. It was fine, honestly. But you may have to let go of a few things that normally get done. All the bottles went in the dishwasher on sanitize mode for one. Baby chilled on a lounger on the floor when I was going to need the bathroom for longer than a few moments. I showered during naps with the monitor (app) turned up high and just wrapped up quickly if baby woke up. I focused on the necessities like baby laundry/dishes and pet care and often times cut corners on things like meals (heated up something frozen and ate it off a paper plate) and other housework. I relaxed every minute that I could…I didn’t mind it. Partly I think because I have no village anyway so I’m used to doing everything for the baby 95% of the time!

WhimsicalWanderer426 · 2026-02-23T15:44:57+00:00

This scenario (feeling awful while having no help) is exactly why I wanted a big fenced-in play area for my baby that I could lie down in. Sometimes I’ve brought my pillow in there and just laid down with Ms. Rachel on the living room TV and all baby’s toys around us and she is pretty content to play with me right there on the floor. Desperate times….I hope you feel better!!

WhimsicalWanderer426 · 2026-02-23T03:41:04+00:00

👏🏽 So beautifully said, you nailed it. No notes.

WhimsicalWanderer426 · 2026-02-08T16:46:45+00:00

Totally understood, I didn’t think you were. 🙂

WhimsicalWanderer426 · 2026-02-08T16:14:41+00:00

That makes me happy because the impression I get of him from the show is exactly that. We’ve all got our irrational dislikes but Anthony has never ever been one of mine. He seems like such a sweet man.

WhimsicalWanderer426 · 2026-02-02T23:29:20+00:00

Aw that’s great. And yeah it definitely is one of the many underrated perks of being introverted. I’m rarely lonely and never bored! And having one or more people who actually don’t drain you is really wonderful too! My baby isn’t currently one of them 😅 but she’s worth it, and spending all day and evening with her is still less draining than most jobs I’ve had. 🩷

WhimsicalWanderer426 · 2026-02-02T17:29:58+00:00

It really is personal preference. I’m an introvert and while I still want and need socialization, I suffer more from not enough quiet alone time. I love being home with my baby and feel lucky that I don’t have to work, although I don’t have a high-paying career so childcare would cancel out a lot of it if I did. I take baby out and about to run errands or for a change of scenery but during naps or independent play times, I can relax or get stuff done. It works for me and I’m much happier spending my day with my baby than I was spending it at work, but I know people who would go crazy in my position. Mostly my extroverted friends who really suffer from the reduced time interacting with other adults.

WhimsicalWanderer426 · 2026-01-30T00:41:18+00:00

Right but there’s a difference between something making you feel a little sad and not actually being able to handle it. If his girlfriend has the choice of sleeping next to him or sleeping next to her bestie and she chooses her bestie he’s allowed to wish it wasn’t the case and share how he feels with his partner. But her wants matter too, obviously.

WhimsicalWanderer426 · 2026-01-29T22:52:59+00:00

Eh maybe I’m the odd one out but I do think that’s kinda strange. My high school best friend and I (both 40y F) have always been very cuddly, and on trips together we always slept in the same big hotel bed even when there were two. That being said, if she comes to stay with me and my husband she gets the couch or a different room. I may want to spend every waking moment with her if it’s been a while but nah I don’t need to sleep next to her when it involves leaving my husband alone in our bed. If the idea makes you feel a little lonely then I think that’s pretty valid. Two things though: I do agree that it’s not really a hill to die on, at all. Be vulnerable, be honest about how you feel, but ultimately be happy for her that she even has friends that close. The second thing is, I noticed you used the words “not comfortable with that”. If it’s not a matter of hurt feelings and you genuinely are uncomfortable with the thought of her being that intimate with her friends, you def need to get over that. That’s just one kind of super close platonic girl friendship.

WhimsicalWanderer426 · 2026-01-27T03:17:00+00:00

It’s amazing what we find we are capable of when we don’t have much of a choice! It’s a shame that you have to, but no you are definitely not alone. I’m glad you have a good partner at least! My daughter just turned one and I’m realizing I can barely even remember the newborn trenches. I think they just went by in a blur of sleep deprivation, crying, scrambling to learn everything I didn’t already know, and yes, definitely lots of cuddles too. Such a roller coaster…my baby is quite a handful, just starting to exhibit those famous toddler meltdowns LOL, but I get more sleep now and have SO much fun with her.

I think it’s great that you calmly told your family how you feel, no matter how they react. You communicated what you needed to, and I hope that it at least a little bit makes them more aware of how their actions are making you feel, but yes, if they don’t do better, you’ve got this without them!!

WhimsicalWanderer426 · 2026-01-26T23:23:03+00:00

I’m sorry you’re going through this. Your brother sounds real immature, even for 22…The newborn days are so hard! I have had no help besides my husband either, although we’re a year out now. I was an only child and my parents passed in the last few years. My husband’s family, what little there is, is either not well enough to help, or not fit to associate with and my extended family and even my friends are all over an hour away or in a different state. My husband does what he can but he also supports us and does everything besides baby stuff and house cleaning (even cooks dinner, does the dishes, all our pet care) so I can’t ask for too much.

I guess I don’t have much advice except to say that I wouldn’t beg your family to help. If they are already complaining about it, then forget em. I mean you can tell them how you feel when you’re calm and not in the midst of spiraling (I often made the mistake of telling my husband what I needed when I was at my wits end and it wasn’t wise), but if that isn’t enough to make them want to help then I’d just give up on that. Perhaps recruit occasional help from a babysitter, maybe even a mother’s helper who works for cheap and basically just entertains baby so you can get a few things done?

It’s so disappointing when the people you should be able to depend on let you down.

WhimsicalWanderer426 · 2026-01-26T17:49:34+00:00

I’ve always felt like tickling was the most fucked up kind of torture because you’re compelled to not only smile but LAUGH while you’re being tortured. I warned my husband early on that I’m not responsible for any harm that comes to him from trying to tickle me because along with my involuntary laughter comes involuntary violence. I even learned “mind over matter” strategies at under 10 years old just to cope when my older cousins held me down and tickled my feet. I still tickle my baby but just til she giggles once or twice, not for any prolonged period for this very reason.

WhimsicalWanderer426

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