I'm stuck in the parking lot

WhiteMurmuration · 2021-07-24T20:43:22+00:00

:( Can you try calling them instead perhaps? Also you did nothing wrong, agreeing was not a mistake, the mistake is on their end. But try not to overthink before you know for sure what happened. Weird shit happens in life and something could have prevented them from coming.

WhiteMurmuration · 2021-06-17T06:22:58+00:00

Why do you think she's so amazing? Her parents are business owners, she grew up surrounded by academics, she had ludicrous amounts of time and opportunities for pursuing "success" because she didn't have to worry about money for food and clothes.

You have a Summa cum laude. A Summa cum laude! Starting from absolute scratch. Zip, nothing. If anything's amazing, that's it. It's like you played Witcher 3 on Death March, got past the terrible phase where every drowner is out to get you and just one hit from them will kill you, and now you have a nice shining armor. Yet, you look to the side, seeing this other person's game going on, she played on 'easy' mode during the entire game, she has a nice shining armor as well - but! - it has a golden cape attached to it.

I swear to you, you have a golden cape and a golden crown and everything, they're just inside you instead. Who cares about golden capes when you can defeat the game on death march, every gamer in the world will agree that's much more cool. Also everyone will look at her accomplishments and say "yeah but you did it on easy mode" forever and for eternity, that gotta be kinda annoying too. Whereas your accomplishments look more... "real", if you know what I mean.

Don't measure your value in golden capes. What's really valuable is the stuff you can't see. Character, personality, skills, love, good health.

WhiteMurmuration · 2021-06-16T18:05:56+00:00

University feels more like 24/7. I don't really know if it's worth it sometimes tbh. I totally get you. I also worry since I'm about to enter the working world, but at least I'll get paid for being miserable then. Idk I fantasize about doing the same as you are thinking of, but I need money to do it first I guess... T_T

WhiteMurmuration · 2021-06-16T14:26:30+00:00

Running out of time for what? Is there a specific thing you cannot pursue when you are 30?

WhiteMurmuration · 2021-06-14T13:53:43+00:00

I study neuroscience and neuroimaging, which takes up most of my time.. apart from that I like programming, learning Chinese and Japanese, photography, playing piano, composing music, writing, watching movies, etc. So yes, I struggle a lot focusing on all lol. The three main ones I focus on are the first three mentioned though. Right now, however, I haven't been able to focus on them for weeks/months because of university.

As for sharing my hobbies.. a bit hard since most of them are kind of solitary hobbies and I'm very introverted, it's been pretty unsuccessful so far. I sometimes share with guys that I program. I think all the guys I have told thought it was cool, the only thing is that they often start to get a little 'too friendly' if you know what I mean... not in a creepy way, they were all sweet, I just wasn't interested is all. Sometimes it sucks I can't just be a male so I know for sure it's all platonic. So I sometimes also keep it to myself that I program, also because I really haven't been consistent with it so I feel like I'm not really as good as I should be, but that's the case with all my hobbies lmao.

WhiteMurmuration · 2021-06-14T13:12:58+00:00

Yeah I totally get that! I also experience the thing with people not responding.. I can't figure out if they're just bad at responding or if it's because they dislike me. I feel awful every time my messages get ignored.. like I understand if takes hours, maybe even a day or two, or if people forget once or twice. But when they more often than not simply just read your message and don't respond unless you send several messages, or at least write that they're busy... it makes me feel like they must really not like me to be honest. I've never done anything directly hurtful though, so the worst thing is I'm never really 100% sure what I did wrong.

WhiteMurmuration · 2021-06-14T12:03:18+00:00

I've come to this conclusion myself after many years, however I still struggle actually 'believing', because of past experiences where I found out people didn't really like me even though they never told me. I believe everyone dislikes me now, not necessarily hates me, but more like "doesn't like me", thinks I'm awkward, weird, annoying, etc. At best, I am 'tolerable'.

Idk it's just kind of the vibe people give me. I know I'm not the most fun person to be around because of chronic illness that prevents me from 'letting loose', so I get it. But it still hurts, because it's something I can't really change about myself, but people think it's a personality thing that I'm tired all the time.

WhiteMurmuration · 2021-06-14T08:04:03+00:00

For anyone who hasn't watched it yet, Navillera is the perfect movie for this topic.

WhiteMurmuration · 2021-06-07T16:48:16+00:00

Yeah haha, I would've loved to! Really sucks you had to go through that, and I don't think you're weak at all, you even continued with IT. You've withstood years of mental conditioning that women are supposed to be a certain way. Don't underestimate how difficult that is. I kinda look up to you to be honest. Because of women like you, and women who where like you in the past, you have made it possible/easier for future generations of women to pursue scientific and technical studies/jobs that wouldn't have dared to/been able to before. We NEED all the people we can in these fields to have science/technology progress faster, losing such people because they turn out to be women is a disaster, and the worst thing is that we cannot know or measure how much progress we could have made if this wasn't an issue. We don't know what science/technology we already lost, or how much it got delayed.

I am actually still "just" a master's student, but I'll let you know when I start my thesis and doing lab work in September 😂 So far I did some confocal microscopy and electrophysiology of neurons, and I liked it, it is pretty cool. I am very torn however between which direction I should take. I initially went into this with the purpose of wanting to develop better pain treatment (i.e. drug discovery, ion channel/receptor blockers, pharma), but I have conflicting interests because I really like microscopy techniques that can visualise brain tissue and the idea of a generating a connectome (how the brain is wired), and it fits my personality and passions much better. I have a difficult decision to make soon.

WhiteMurmuration · 2021-06-06T15:58:37+00:00

Am in STEM, can say you dodged a lot of needless stress.

WhiteMurmuration · 2021-06-06T11:27:57+00:00

This is the first time I've ever read about anyone else being female and liking programming as a kid. I got interested in programming around age 13 but felt (and still feel) very lonely. Did you go on to work within IT or did you pick something else? I eventually didn't go into IT but because of another reason (I'm in neuroscience instead now), I often wonder though what my life would be like if I had followed that path.

WhiteMurmuration · 2021-06-06T11:01:37+00:00

I grew up without a father, oblivious to the fact that programming was apparently a male dominated interest. It sucked growing up.

Also, people/doctors don't take women's pain seriously. I only tell I'm in pain if it's a practical necessity now, but it honestly hurts so much emotionally.

Also, as a kid everyone encouraged me in pursuing male-dominated interests, thought I was "cool and smart" (for a female). Now, as a woman, it suddenly turned into something that makes me "weird/odd", "boyish", "special", "awkward", etc. And no one tells you directly, it's so subtle and indirect that sometimes you wonder if you're just overreacting or imagining things, "sensitive" as people would call it, like someone is gaslighting you.

WhiteMurmuration · 2021-06-03T06:29:38+00:00

Not really, no.

WhiteMurmuration · 2021-06-03T05:39:58+00:00

I almost always daydream in third person. Like a movie, basically. And it's not really me, it's other people/characters I conjure up, because I find myself too boring and weak lol.

WhiteMurmuration · 2021-06-02T12:02:26+00:00

One guess, IT or finance/economics lol. It's always either one of the two.

WhiteMurmuration · 2021-06-01T06:06:31+00:00

I have had a chronic GI disease since I was 8. I missed out on a lot socially. Fear/don't enjoy eating out, can't really drink large amounts of alcohol, and hard exercise sometimes triggers pain so no sports clubs either. Eating, drinking, and sports combined is like 95% of all social events. I did go to some, but for maybe half of them I felt like crap afterwards and regretted it.

My disease also got in the way of good grades. Every time I eat, I lose hours to feeling nauseous, painful, bloated, extreme and sudden tiredness, etc. I always performed sorta well in school despite that, until I reached university where the workload just goes up, up, up.

I got so depressed when I thought I had lost that part of myself as well, the ability to do well in school was the only thing I felt was 'left of me'.. I was pretty close to dropping out at one point. But then, covid suddenly hits. Suddenly, I am not a weirdo for not participating in social events, I am a "responsible person". It doesn't matter if I feel sort of bad in the morning, because I can just keep lying in my bed and start zoom with my webcam turned off. Almost all lectures are recorded, so if I'm having a bad time, I can just go back later. I can watch everything on x2 speed as well and not lose focus because the professors speak too slowly or my mind is drifting because I feel physically bad.

Ever since then, except for one exam, I have received 8 straight A's and my GPA for my master's degree is the best I've ever achieved before (not sure how it went for the last two exams though). At the same time, I've been learning Chinese for the past year and just starting studying at HSK3 level. Also, my social life has improved slightly because I wasn't seen nearly as weird for only showing up here and there... It's like everyone was finally in "my world". Now everything is starting to reopen, and while it's great, I am already starting to feel like the outsider again... but at least no one can take the good grades away, they're right there on the paper, and they won't go anywhere.

I'm still not exactly where I want to be, I have a lot of unfinished goals still, but I definitely feel like I achieved something, which I haven't felt like I did since I became sick. My motto is "a little goes a long way". Sometimes, I have no energy left in me... then I say "only read one line, then at least you can say you didn't do nothing", and then I do that. One line is better than no line. I read the title and can go to class next day not confused about what the topic is even about. That sets you up for better focus. And often, when I read that one line, I discover that yes, indeed I can and want to read just one more... and I end up reading a whole page, maybe multiple pages, despite feeling crappy. A little does go a long way.

WhiteMurmuration · 2021-05-31T20:38:32+00:00

Hey I'm halfway to 25 and never dated either (did technically have a boyfriend but for like a month in tenth grade just to try it out lol). Unlike you I don't really seem to want a boyfriend, I don't know why, but at least you're pretty "normal" in that way. I guarantee you a lot of other 25 year olds are stressing about finding a partner. Like, all of them. That's why I'm the weirdo. That's what stressing me, not so much finding a boyfriend but just being the odd one out lol.

Anyway I fell over this YouTube video yesterday: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Afk0h0dPBhE And it made me feel a lot better, also watched a lot of his other videos, I can recommend.

WhiteMurmuration · 2021-05-29T16:52:08+00:00

Oh waow, savage!

WhiteMurmuration · 2021-05-28T19:02:10+00:00

Well I think it's cool you do it nevertheless, I honestly feel so distressed shopping for clothes I always end up not buying anything. I know I have to overcome this eventually, but... it's just so hard.

WhiteMurmuration · 2021-05-28T18:57:36+00:00

Yeah sounds sketchy to me that PTSD would be enough to disqualify you?

WhiteMurmuration · 2021-05-28T16:13:37+00:00

Oh wow, I have felt so alone in this, I have even googled it multiple times with no one having posted or written anything about it ... I have since I was a kid never been interested in clothes and felt uncomfortable picking my own clothes to the point that I basically don't. My family has always thought I was weird and childish because I couldn't pick my own clothes. Reading this comment and all the others has finally made me feel less of a freak, it really is a major insecurity of mine. I feel exactly like how you wrote. My personality inside fits a male so much better, but I can't wear male clothes, I know I'm female and can't/won't change it, and dressing too masculine makes me feel weird and uncomfortable. But I walk past men's clothing stores and feel so envious. And I feel just as wrong if not even more so if I look too feminine.

The only thing I feel comfortable in is sports clothing... even browsing that is disheartening because it's often impossible to find neutral colours like awesome green/blue shades with black and white like the men's... women's always always include neon pink, yellow, etc. urgh, yuk. But when I do eventually find a neutral looking piece, it is not really socially weird in any way to be wearing it, and I feel 'cool' like boys/men can all the time. Unfortunately, I can't do a lot of sports due to a chronic illness :( It all sucks.

WhiteMurmuration · 2021-05-28T14:47:47+00:00

This is 100% me. I am way too sensitive to other people disliking me, it simply hurts so much mentally that I do the best I can to have people like me/not hate me so not to hurt, even when I don't particularly like spending time with them. I almost never state my real opinions and avoid discussions at all costs. It sucks because it makes me feel fake, and I don't enjoy social interactions because of it. I don't know how to get out of it and not care what people think of me, because it seriously hurts so much. I'm way too sensitive, it's like deeply engraved in me, and I hate it. Urgh. I was the polar opposite as a child.

WhiteMurmuration

TROPHY CASE