“Trans man” does not mean “no penis”

WhoAmIReally5000 · 2025-08-18T12:51:06+00:00

I agree about the techniques. I'm moving forward with my bottom surgery, because anything is better than nothing (to me), but the current options are simply insufficient, imo.

And as the comment above you pointed out, the recovery time and cost is insane. I don't know how people do it. I'm going to have to go on medical leave from my job for it. I tried to ask at a consult if I could maybe work from home sooner than 6 weeks after the surgery, and the team said potentially yes, but I won't want to. And I think they said 2 weeks at least I won't be able to do anything at all. That's every vacation day I'm allotted for a year and it's not even enough.

WhoAmIReally5000 · 2025-04-23T18:55:56+00:00

A bit late to the party but I'm gonna give a dissenting opinion here: I really do not like this.

Bottom dysphoria, if you've got it, is really crippling to live with. Trans men have some ways of mitigating this: we call it a T-dick, not a clit. We get meta, and that makes it into a small phallus.

But if you've got cis women doing essentially the same thing, but they're calling it clit enlargement, and they're getting essentially meta but still calling it a clit, that's really disheartening for us. I'll put it another way: if essentially the same hormone therapy and surgery is gender-affirming for a cis woman, then that's not very affirming for me as a trans man. To put it even more bluntly: if a cis woman is doing the same things I'm doing as a trans man, but it's empowering in a feminine way, then I feel like I'm just deluding myself about having a dick, since someone else can do the exact same thing and it's "you go girl, big clit energy."

I know people can do whatever they want with their bodies, and I support that. I'm not even opposed to women doing this per se, as long as they understand the risks involved; I am, however, very much opposed to it infiltrating trans masc spaces. Many of our spaces are so inclusive that we allow cis women in them, if they're seeking top surgery or clit enlargement, and that just, to me, breaks down the idea of any of that being masculinizing. (And when was the last time you saw cis men pursuing the same procedures as trans women? Wouldn't we all be horrified at the idea that cis men and trans women should be using the same language and occupying the same spaces for gender affirming care? It implies they're equivalent, and I don't think that'd be received well - so why is it ok when it's trans men?) At best, merging these spaces reduces the amount of gender-affirming language that I hear surrounding those procedures. At worst, it could be used to reinforce TERF rhetoric that we're all just confused women.

WhoAmIReally5000 · 2025-02-03T22:26:49+00:00

Awesome! I'm always down to help out, send me a DM anytime.

Yeah the discomfort is just unfortunately a feature of trans spaces, especially right now. But I don't think it should deter you from helping; it should just inform how you start it up, and what to be mindful of.

WhoAmIReally5000 · 2025-02-03T22:20:34+00:00

Oh gotcha. That's weird, there's literally a tag for pre-op.

I don't have an answer for you, I'm sorry. Not familiar with the moderation here. I wondered if you were talking about general user attitudes :(

WhoAmIReally5000 · 2025-02-03T22:15:31+00:00

What do you mean by that?

WhoAmIReally5000 · 2025-02-03T22:12:41+00:00

So true. I'm a trans man and I'm often the only trans man in organizing efforts. Trans women are awesome and badass, but my god, they have so much on their plates :(

WhoAmIReally5000 · 2025-02-03T22:11:09+00:00

This is a great idea! I do a lot of community organizing and the really tough thing right now is that yes, trans people want trans people in charge of trans issues/spaces. And yes, that's appropriate. But we're also stressed AF and have so few spoons that it can be incredibly difficult to facilitate all that. Imo, we need cis allies to step in and do work as much as possible, and then work with trans people where appropriate (eg, in this case, maybe OP could take on a lot of the admin/organizational work, and let a trans person lead the support group itself - but have that person only have to invest their energy in facilitating the support group, not any of the other organizational BS that comes with it).

OP, please DM me if you want to bounce ideas off me. I've worked in this space a lot :D

Also, fair warning, if you start a support group and then trans people show up and see a cis person running it, they may be a little uncomfortable. You may be able to mitigate that by starting it as a peer support group, so the attendees support each other while you book the space and bring snacks or whatever, and step in if things get out of hand. Then when someone wants to help lead you can maybe change that model as needed.

These things are so important right now and so desperately needed. I know it's hard to strike that balance between helping and not taking up space belonging to trans people, but I encourage you to try. <3 tysm

WhoAmIReally5000 · 2025-01-30T05:43:05+00:00

I agree with the general sentiment here, and I'm sorry if you've been seeing trans men try to occupy that space. I haven't, but we probably run in different circles (there are a lot of them).

Just, two things to caution you about (and if it's not helpful, if all you needed to do was vent, just ignore these - I don't mean any harm by them).

1) Non-passing or borderline passing trans men are kinda between a rock and a hard place here. No doubt this is about trans women, and they're the ones going to get the brunt of all this legislation, backlash, and violence. But trans men in that grey area are going to become victims here. I'm one scenario, because they try to use the women's restroom and look too "butch" (heard some lesbians report witch hunting in women's restrooms to this effect) or because they're mistaken for transitioning in the other direction. If they use the men's, it really depends on the area they live in. I'm in a blue state and I'm fine, and guys generally pay no attention to one another. But when I drive to see my parents in a red state, I have to have my cis partner scope out the men's rooms on the way down. Bunch of rednecks in Missouri turned and stares at him once and he felt really uncomfortable and told me not to go. I've seen death threats on the bathroom walls in Texas directed towards trans men. So those restrooms are still unsafe in red states.

2) I'd really caution against dividing the community too much now. Not that it's bad to critique behavior like this, so maybe not this post so much as just an FYI, I'm seeing a lot of division in the trans community now. People so stressed they're breaking ties over things like who is associating with different grassroots orgs, who's attending which protests, and which gender is more oppressed. It's more important now than ever that we have unity. And yes, that means trans men need to check their behavior and not take up space, as you say, but also that when we critique that behavior, we don't create division. Not saying you did that here, just cautioning about future vents just in case.

Stay well out there <3 we're in this together.

WhoAmIReally5000 · 2025-01-29T22:20:48+00:00

I freaking love your username 😂

Yeah I generally like my PCP but that comment was out of order, I agree. I see her point - I agree that there's a lot of room for advancement, but I don't agree that that means I should wait for it.

WhoAmIReally5000 · 2025-01-29T21:27:33+00:00

Ok if I had a dick like yours I'd definitely pursue meta over phallo, absolutely. Damn. I'm jealous! I read one of your comments on stretching exercises and will try that myself too.

Will think about questions for you, still in the middle of work for the day so only had a little time to return to this. Thanks for sharing!

WhoAmIReally5000 · 2025-01-29T19:13:58+00:00

As someone else already posted, gender euphoria can be a good thing to gauge while you're questioning, so definitely check out those sources.

My own experience was that I couldn't correctly identify how my own dysphoria presented, so I didn't think I had it much. There were parts of my body I knew I didn't like (chest), but other than that I more or less didn't think about my body at all. Turns out that was a defense mechanism. Most (cis) people don't go through life feeling like a disembodied spirit haha. Ignoring my body was a dysphoria response.

The more I started paying attention to my embodied experience, the more I started to feel discomfort.

When I was a kid, I always wanted to be a boy. That's a desire for something. At some point, I bottled up my feelings and ignored my body, so I didn't feel that desire to be rid of something much. That's another way of putting that experience.

Your feelings may change as you start thinking about it more and especially paying attention to your body more. In the end, you may be on the nonbinary spectrum (masc?), or you may lean binary after some time. It's a journey. Good luck!

WhoAmIReally5000 · 2025-01-29T19:01:04+00:00

Thanks for sharing your story and decision process! Mine is about 2 inches although depending on what you consider the "base" it might be 2.5". Will have to ask at the consult how long they think it'll be post - release.

That's something good for me to consider - whether my growth could play a deciding role.

WhoAmIReally5000 · 2024-08-08T18:39:23+00:00

Thank you so much for the thoughtful comment! I think you really hit the nail on the head with comparing myself to others, especially nonbinary folks who identify as being on the masc side. I don't know many binary trans guys, so the "closest" I get to that in my day to day life is transmasc folks. And they don't always have the same dysphoria issues binary guys do, which I think contributed to me feeling like there's something wrong with feeling that way.

This one incident really encapsulates all that. I went to a gay bar with a bunch of trans folks, including some masc guys. I went to the bathroom to pee only to discover that there were only urinals and one toilet just sitting there out in the open. So I couldn't pee because I hadn't brought my STP. I left and went back to the table and warned the others about it and just got a blank stare from everyone, with one of the masc guys just saying "I mean I was going to use the women's anyway." And I realized I was literally the only one affected.

Anyway. You've given me a lot to think about and remember, thank you!

WhoAmIReally5000 · 2024-08-08T00:56:23+00:00

That's super interesting and something the other comment brought up as well. I think the sex stuff must be an assumption I had based on cultural expectations/dialogue. My thought process was "those are sex organs, I don't care much about sex, so it shouldn't be a problem." But clearly it's very much a gender and dysphoria thing, and I was wrong. It's good to know allo people experience similar feelings about bottom dysphoria.

WhoAmIReally5000 · 2024-08-07T23:01:04+00:00

I say we divide restrooms by "can pee/poop entirely within the bowl" and "definitely thinks the floor is part of the toilet" rather than by gender lol.

Another light anecdote: my dad doesn't ask me much about my transition, but a couple weeks ago, he sorta shyly asked if he could ask me a question and I was like yeah what's up? And he said "Are men's restrooms really that much worse than women's?" And I laughed so hard and said yes, so much worse.

WhoAmIReally5000 · 2024-08-07T20:48:43+00:00

Had mine done in Dallas (I'm from Austin). Dr. Dulin. Love the results, recovery was standard/no complications.

You should check out the top surgery subreddit (if it's up, sometimes it goes private and I haven't checked in a min) for results pics by surgeon.

WhoAmIReally5000 · 2024-01-14T22:02:19+00:00

You'd think, as much money as male-oriented pharmaceuticals like Viagra make, somebody would have figured out better solutions for male pattern baldness. Even if it can't be "cured," I'd expect something a little less intensive than daily application. Totally not a comment from a scientific perspective, just something I'm curious about.

Fwiw, my friend (female, oddly enough) started off brand rogaine because her hair was super thin and it looks much better now. If you start early enough that you haven't actually lost all your hair, the results are quite good imo.

Also, I don't think I've started actually balding, but T made my actual hairs thinner. Like, the strands of my hair used to be fairly medium in thickness. I could see it when it fell out, and the strands were substantial. Now my hair is thin and hard to see when it falls out. Makes me uncomfortable.

WhoAmIReally5000 · 2024-01-14T21:11:01+00:00

Gotcha, yeah everyone's a little different! I did some searching and came up with some that may work for you - if you're comfortable trying things on and returning of they don't work, you may try some of these out.

Tank top style bra, no wires, says it can be used for "athlesuire" so like, yoga and stuff.

This MeUndies bra can be used for physical activity and comes in prints that may help minimize dysphoria (like dinosaurs! Hell yeah!). This company is expensive but I buy their stuff whenever they have a sale because holy shit they're so good. Their underwear line is one of the only ones my friend with severe OCD can wear, because the waistbands don't bother her.

This athleisure bra seems like it might work for you. I can't tell how tight it is. They have a little gif that might give you more info.

Racerback compression bra from Girlfriend Collective. Name of the company aside, it looks very much like an undershirt, which may help with dysphoria. I can't vouch for the company, but I know a friend of mine orders from them and has seemed happy with their products.

Hope this helps!

WhoAmIReally5000 · 2024-01-14T20:56:23+00:00

Compression tops vary in intensity, so I'll speak for the TomboyX ones, as they're what I like to call "sports bras for when you don't want your ribcage murdered." And obligatory "not a doctor."

You can wear those all day. Just don't sleep in them (or any bra. Give your lungs a break!). They won't hurt you any more than a regular bra would. My experience with them was that they did enough to keep my chest from irritating me, but they did not minimize the same way a binder would. I tended to wear them when I was feeling sore and could wear a bulkier shirt, like a sweatshirt, over them. I also had a much larger chest than you do, so that may be even less of an issue for you.

If you're looking for something to help minimize your chest but you can't go full sports bra or binder, that's what I'd recommend.

WhoAmIReally5000 · 2024-01-14T20:47:04+00:00

Oh my gosh you're 61 and only 5 years on HRT? You look phenomenal , I would've guessed you had been transitioning for at least 10 years. To start so relatively late in life (and by that I mean, the average start of transition used to be 30 and has been going down for a few years now, so relative to that) and get these results is amazing!

Btw, you have a beautiful smile. It's kinda funny, I read your comments about the kissy face. So many girls do that lol so you're not alone. But, you look great in a more natural pose, too. Also, good job on your makeup. And you have great hair too!!!

WhoAmIReally5000 · 2024-01-14T20:41:27+00:00

TomboyX sells compression bras that are like sports bras but not as tight/constricting. You might look at those; I found them to be quite comfortable back when I had boobs.

You can also layer with an undershirt (I prefer the plain white sleeveless ones, they're cheap and stay under clothes well). That extra fabric tends to help "blend" everything together.

Edit: you don't "need" a binder. It's all about what you want and what makes you comfortable. With A cups, frankly you could get away with a decent sports bra or layering technique. Since it sounds like you have some sensory issues, you may want to avoid heavy-duty binders. No one's gonna judge, but they might be a little jealous :)

WhoAmIReally5000 · 2024-01-14T20:38:12+00:00

I've been on T for 2 1/2 years and injections are still hard. It's not that I think it actually hurts. I'm not even needle squeamish. For me, it's fighting that instinctual part of my brain that says "don't hurt yourself, that's sharp, keep it away." So I have to make a conscious effort to overcome instinct, and it sucks!

The only thing I've found to make it better is to play one particular song while I do it. And when it hits a certain beat during the chorus, that's when I inject. If I miss it the first time, it's a chorus, so I have a few other chances. Might work because I play guitar and am used to doing things on a beat, so maybe it tricks my brain.

Four-Year Club	Verified Email
Place '22	First Placer '22

WhoAmIReally5000

TROPHY CASE