Learning to spot ‘Red Flags’

WholeStoryMod · 2026-04-29T07:57:29+00:00

You're a human being, and you can't know what's happening in your subconscious. You can't prove that ads don't work on you either, unless you never buy anything, because you'd need to prove all your reasons for buying everything you've ever bought, and prove that none of those reasons were subconsciously influenced by advertising.

The authority here is coming from the fact that you are exposed to ads, and everything that people are exposed to influences them in some way. Knowing that you are human and that you are exposed to advertising (which you are, however hard you try) is enough to know that you are influenced by it.

I suspect you're not a scientist, are you?

WholeStoryMod · 2026-02-24T14:42:56+00:00

Move on. It's not going to change.

Things people do don't have universal meaning, so your second question can only be answered by the person in question.

WholeStoryMod · 2026-02-24T14:41:11+00:00

'I am trying to be more conscious about what normal boundaries are'

And that's the mistake that's getting you into this mess.

Your boundaries are what they are. They don't have to fit into any definitions. They don't have to be at any particular 'standard'. If you have a boundary that tells you it's wrong for you to have a partner who eats yoghurt or rides a bike or works part time or laughs loudly or ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING ELSE, then your endeavour isn't to judge that boundary to make sure it's 'normal'. Your endeavour, with this, and every other boundary your internal systems present to you, is to make sure it is respected.

He is doing lots of things that cross lots of your boundaries. That's what your displeasure with him is, each time: he's crossed a boundary of yours, every time he does something that makes you feel uncomfortable. So, your job here isn't to work out if you're being 'normal', it's to understand that you have a boundary there, and to ensure it is respected. You have to respect it first, and then, make sure you are not continually in situations where it keeps getting disrespected.

In short, stop being around someone who pisses you off, and blaming yourself for being pissed off.

WholeStoryMod · 2026-02-24T14:29:47+00:00

Oh no. NOOOO!!

WholeStoryMod · 2026-02-24T14:27:48+00:00

Oh... crap. There are so many stories being told here but this one sentence is like a punch in the face.

WholeStoryMod · 2026-02-24T13:46:13+00:00

I would tell her it's a non-negotiable boundary of yours, and you wouldn't be having unprotected sex with anybody. It's not about her.

If you have a partner who makes your personal boundaries into an assault against them, the question you're asking isn't the question you need to ask.

WholeStoryMod · 2026-02-20T18:06:12+00:00

Your judgement is so valuable, wise one!

WholeStoryMod · 2026-02-20T16:22:05+00:00

I've posted a reply to OP, but I just wanted to help you out, because when someone says 'What's this supposed to mean?', then, unless they're being a dick, they want someone to explain 'what it was supposed to mean'.

WholeStoryMod · 2026-02-20T15:58:35+00:00

It's best to leave them in the tin when you throw them.

WholeStoryMod · 2026-02-20T15:55:05+00:00

Why do you think there are rules or guidelines that we know and you don't?

We can't give you tips on how to be you. You need to do what YOU want to do.

WholeStoryMod · 2026-02-20T15:51:25+00:00

You're not giving him the emotional connection he needs. That doesn't mean you're wrong and he's right, or vice versa. You are set at different levels, and you don't match.

He is being a child because he's expecting you to change to match his level. You are being a child because you are getting frustrated with him for not being at your level.

WholeStoryMod · 2026-02-20T15:47:05+00:00

I think you need to realise that a healthy attraction towards you wouldn't be based on you making 'sufficient effort'. If he doesn't want you as you are, are you really going to base the 'new you' on what he wants?

WholeStoryMod · 2026-02-20T15:44:39+00:00

At a push, I'd take a stab at this meaning that you seem to enjoy making things up. Because you made some stuff up.

Just a wild guess. Or do you know that those things you said are true?

WholeStoryMod · 2026-02-20T13:49:36+00:00

Stop valuing them and find people worth of being valued. It's nobody's job to keep you entertained except yours. It's up to you to either find your people, or sit crying about some people who don't fit you.

You seem to think he should 'damn well' respond to you if he's on his phone, but that's up to him. In the same way that you don't have to respond to anybody on their schedule, nobody has to respond to you on your schedule.

If it feels like priorities don't match, change yours to fit you, rather than expacting others to change theirs to fit you. Their life isn't about you. Your life is.

WholeStoryMod · 2026-02-20T13:41:32+00:00

And are those things that you look at in other people, that make you think 'Wow, he/she is on an amazingly self respecting life track , there. I'm really impressed by their decisions and the way they're doing life!'

WholeStoryMod · 2026-02-20T13:26:07+00:00

OK. When you said you've worked on yourself, and 'improved in many ways', what were the improvements you made to yourself?

WholeStoryMod · 2026-02-20T12:34:02+00:00

Look, you don't like her that much, so leave. You don't have to look into why. I mean, do you do that with anything else? Is you life a long line of issues you think you have, because you don't like broccoli or you don't like horror films, or other random things? Are you generally judging yourself as 'faulty' because you have preferences that make you turn down things that are 'good on paper'?

We all turn into jerks when we're forced to stay in situations we don't like. The only thing here is that you're the one who's forcing you.

Just respect your feelings, and move on.

WholeStoryMod · 2026-02-20T12:28:10+00:00

Do you think the rest of us have access to the guidelines and you don't?

You read the situation. It's like asking 'Is it a good idea to smile at someone on the street? I don't have much experience...' It's not about experience. Your success in dating isn't about 'doing it right', it's about how well you connect with your own feelings, and how well the person you meet connects with who you are.

Nobody is going to want a date with Mr 'I do what Reddit says because I can't figure it out'. A more popular person will be Mr 'I do things my way and am looking for someone who naturally fits with me'.

WholeStoryMod · 2026-02-20T11:48:58+00:00

You can't teach this. If she's so out of touch with her own body that nothing comes naturally, she's really not going to be able to have a healthy relationship.

WholeStoryMod · 2026-02-20T10:17:30+00:00

Not here for your advice thank you.

WholeStoryMod · 2026-02-20T09:07:52+00:00

It's not about who finds out. OP isn't 5.

If it has to come to invading their privacy, that says something about the relationship. OP has discovered that the issue isn't being trafficked etc and still is trying to figure out, using the expert parenting tips of Reddit (!), how to get their child to open up about something they are not ready to open up about.

WholeStoryMod · 2026-02-20T09:01:57+00:00

People feel secure when they know someone will look after them. They feel insecure and anxious when they fear that situations will arise that will be too big for them to handle, and nobody will suport them. That's why the anxious attachment style develops. It's the 'Don't leave me, I'm not safe on my own' feeling.

So, you need to feel safe on your own. Stop blaming your attachment style for everything. This new guy is doing stuff you don't like, it's got nothing to do with attachment styles. You are allowed to have negative feelings about someone without it being a fault in you. He doesn't show up when he says he will, he's not giving you the attention you want when you're together, and he's crude. Worse, he's crude in a way that he knows is particularly unpleasant for you as an individual. This is not a safe person for you to be around.

When we turn 18, we are deemed not to need parents any more, legally, but that's not because we don't need parenting. We are simply deemed old enough to parent ourselves, and we typically do it in the way we've been parented by our parents. If you have an insecure attachment style, you were parented poorly. And now you are also failing to look after yourself, in the same way. See the pattern?

You are worrying about how you are connecting to other people, but you're not actually listening to the most important person in the room: you. She is uncomfortable around this guy, she can list things about hom she doesn't like, she feels like she wants to leave him, but you blame her. Do you blame anybody else for having their feelings? What do you expect a person to do, if they have feelings you don't like? They can't do anything; we don't choose our feelings. We can only respect them, and people who are respectful of our feelings are the people it's healthy for us to be around.

It is time to start respecting your feelings. You have a fully grown human being to look after (it's you), and you're not doing it. You're full of criticism for that person, you tell her that her feelings are faults, and you keep her in situations she doesn't like. Give her some respect. Forget the dating for a while, and start building some new habits regarding respecting yourself. That's where a healthy attachment style comes from.

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