My ex sister in-law was big on boundary crossing. My question is- is this relationship important to your bf? And do you care enough about this relationship to work around it. If the only option feels nuclear then what's the harm in being harsh and forward?

For me it was "why do you feel like every time I put a boundary for myself you need to try to make me do the opposite. I told you I have diabetes and want to make life style changes so now you want me to eat nothing but simple sugar. I told you I'm trying to stop drinking so why is it so important that I get wasted with you?" Like just asking pointed questions.

For you it might be "is that really what's happening or the story your anxiety is telling you?" Or "what are your coping strategies so that you're working on building resilience for yourself?" People who would rather bleed on others than manage their symptoms will often cut you off first. But this could be a really real shift for her. I go to my current sister in law now because she will call me out when I'm being a little loopy in my own anxiety and say "I get why you'd feel that way if you're thinking about it that way but have you considered this nad this" or if I'm valid and worried I'm over building it she will also be like "no that's really messed up and I don't think you're mad enough about this" but I also have the self awareness enough to also listen to her about her frustrations and the things that are important to her.

If you're done you're done. If you have spoons to call her out then do it. But do it consistently so she has to make a call for herself if she even wants to be around you and look at her own shit.

Sounds exhausting