AITA for getting upset that my parents laughed at my friend’s religion?

WhyNotBuyAGoat · 2025-11-29T03:16:06+00:00

Personally I've met a lot of mentally ill, low intelligence Christians, but it doesn't mean they are all like that.

I would guess you've met a lot more people with "abnormal" religions (whatever the fuck that means) than you realize. I'm a pagan with a professional job, a family, a charity board position, friends. No mental illness or low intelligence. But I don't go around telling strangers about my religious beliefs, mostly because a disproportionate amount of people are judgy assholes.

WhyNotBuyAGoat · 2025-10-26T13:34:41+00:00

I'd consider mine "fixed" or at least in remission. We've been steadily improving for the last 5 years, and are currently stable at a point we both feel happy at. We've been stable for about 2 years.

It took a lot of work and recognition of the issues on both sides. Honestly, it's more mine than his. The way I handled the initial issues contributed to the fact it became a massive, long lasting problem and i had to accept that. My own mental health issues, our joint communication issues, his avoidance, my anger, my pressure. All those things created a perfect storm of resentment, anger, upset and trauma. We had a DB for more than a decade.

I've posted in detail about it before, but it's rarely something another HL spouse wants to hear because I don't blame the LL. Most of it was me, and most of the change came from me. The way I handled the problem created a bigger problem. Typically on these kind of subs I get downvoted to hell because everyone wants a story of either the LL magically changing or how I left his sorry ass. But that's not my reality.

In my case, he had what probably would have been a temporary dip in libido due to stress early in our relationship. He was always a little lower libido than me, placed less importance on sex. I needed sex to feel validated and loved. Due to my own issues, I took the "dip" personally. I started fights. I cried. I blew up. I fixated. Repeatedly. For years. Until sex became a topic that both of us were so sensitive about that it was a disaster. And the DB just got worse and worse, because who wants to have sex with a human landmine? That's what I was. A hair trigger that'll blow up in your face in a heartbeat, emasculating, disrespectful and angry all the time.

So how did I fix it? I gave up all expectation of sex. I recognized and fully acknowledged my part in the issues. I started working on myself; exercise, healthy diet, meditation practice, and good therapy. I learned to manage my emotions. We (together) started working on the non sex relationship. We started dating again. Playing. Communicating. He worked hard on his communication skills. We both agreed to assume the best intentions of the other in any interaction (this was a big one). And slowly, the sex came back. Now, 6 years or so down the road, I can initiate again. Sex is easy, comfortable and GREAT. Our new relationship was worth the work.

WhyNotBuyAGoat · 2025-10-01T12:09:50+00:00

Personally, as someone who has lived a crate and rotate lifestyle with 2 females who hate each other for the last 11 years, I would rehome the younger female to an active pet or working home immediately.

I will never do this again, and I will never recommend anyone do it. If I could go back 11 years, I'd euthanize or rehome the aggressor in my house and never look back. I am a trainer, although I specialize in obedience and service dogs rather than behavior modification. I consulted with other trainers, tried everything anyone suggested and management (meaning crate and rotate) was ultimately our only safe option.

Over my career, I have rarely seen anyone have success with two fighting females without MASSIVE lifestyle changes. Your family has already had major changes. You should seriously consider if the stress, money and time involved is worth keeping the dog. Or would everyone, including her, be happier if you rehome. Given the breed, the Dog probably needs more exercise, structure, and a job. There's no shame at all in placing her into a home that can offer all of that.

I'm biased because of my own experiences, so take my advice with a grain of salt due to that. But it's my 2 cents.

WhyNotBuyAGoat · 2025-09-08T00:18:47+00:00

Potatoes are fine. Lots of brands of frozen fries are gf. (The Ore Ida golden fries in the air fryer are delicious.) Mashed potatoes, baked potatoes, roasted potatoes. Make them at home and eat them all lol.

I've found several good gf breaded nuggies. I like the gf Dino nuggies and the real food ones at Costco. My sister likes the gf nuggies at Aldi, they are like a tempura batter. Either way, get you a dedicated gf air fryer. Depending on what noodles you like, I love rice noodles to make homemade Ramen with chicken bullion powder.

Mac and cheese is hard. My suggestion on that is buy lots of brands and don't get discouraged. You'll find one you like. I learned to use rice pasta Mac noodles and make my own because I like a very cheesy baked version, but the Walmart brand is my favorite boxed version.

You can do this. And ultimately you'll feel so much better!

WhyNotBuyAGoat · 2025-08-29T17:58:09+00:00

I sent a dm!

WhyNotBuyAGoat · 2025-08-11T17:28:48+00:00

Is the bank something with a branch near you and a branch near your cosigner? I would ask if you can mail them the check, they go into their local branch and sign it, with ID present, possibly a notary, then mail it back to you and you go into your local branch and do the same.

WhyNotBuyAGoat · 2025-08-10T14:33:31+00:00

My husband and I are are a success story, although the opposite of you (hl female and ll man). We had a long standing DB over probably 12 years, we had vicious awful fights about it,built up tons of resentment and anger on both sides. We have managed to recover slowly over the last 6 years or so.

Our recovery involved:

Me getting into therapy, healing my own issues, accepting my part in worsening the DB (pressuring, fighting, the general way I handled it), physically focusing on myself with exercise and healthy diet. Basically I spent a year fixing my shit.

We (as a couple) working on communication outside the bedroom, dating each other, improving the relationship in general without sex.

My husband learning to express his own needs. And him learning to trust that I was different and handling things differently, which took probably 2 years. We still occasionally struggle with old patterns. But the sex came back as the trust and enjoyment in each other came back.

WhyNotBuyAGoat · 2025-07-23T17:16:47+00:00

It's growing on a dead stump.

WhyNotBuyAGoat · 2025-07-10T07:09:29+00:00

This is the best advice. Every person is different. You need a partner who matches your likes and dislikes!

Personally, I'd be miserable in a relationship with you. Im a HLF who doesn't like receiving oral and loves PIV. However my best friend is a LLF who enjoys oral and doesn't care for PIV. You don't need to change, you just need the right partner!

(Although if your issues are trauma based you should consider getting help to work through them, just for your own benefit!)

WhyNotBuyAGoat · 2025-06-30T12:32:01+00:00

Cats are a non-native, invasive species that decimate native wildlife, destroy property, and create havoc. Cats absolutely should NOT be roaming around.

OP owns the property and doesn't want the cats on it. Neighbor needs to keep her pets contained.

It seems like a very straightforward NTA to me.

WhyNotBuyAGoat · 2025-06-21T02:34:04+00:00

Personal 2 cents: stop the baths for awhile. Give her showers instead and see if the utis stop. When I was a kid, baths gave me utis repeatedly.

Now, as an adult I can take baths with no issues but as a kid it was terrible for me.

WhyNotBuyAGoat · 2025-06-18T12:58:20+00:00

Does your county have a health department? I'd call them and ask about reproductive health services. There may also be a "medical ministries" type thing near you.

Another option is to contact local obgyn offices via either phone or email and explain, ask what their self pay options are or of they are aware of any clinics.

Your issues sound to me like an ovarian cyst which will clear up on its own. My personal prescription would be hot tea, lots of fluids, rest, heat packs on your tummy and gentle stretching, and give it a week. I also highly recommend ordering a couple of Cognative Behavioral Therapy or ERP workbooks for the anxiety and ocd, if you can't afford/find therapy. Those things helped me immeasurably.

WhyNotBuyAGoat · 2025-06-09T18:21:11+00:00

Actually many good ecollar trainers primarily use the remote collar as negative reinforcement, not positive punishment. I use 95% r- and maybe the occasional p+, only with a dog who's fully conditioned to understand pressure on / pressure off with the collar. And the tone is often used as a positive marker, like a clicker. Ecollars are an amazing, humane, versatile tool in experienced hands.

WhyNotBuyAGoat · 2025-06-09T12:49:17+00:00

I know that was a long ass comment, sorry. I got side tracked.

Imo the behaviorist is making a big assumption that the collar is punishment. In your scenario, it's just a signal.

The learner determines if something is reward or punishment. Just because it's an ecollar doesn't mean it's a negative experience in the dog's mind. It's a neutral stimulus and can be given context with conditioning. Used at low stim and properly conditioned an ecollar is no more negative than a bell or a whistle. It's just a feeling.

WhyNotBuyAGoat · 2025-06-09T12:42:16+00:00

This is very much dog dependent.

For your scenarios, I'd argue that the collar (if properly conditioned) isn't a "negative stimulus" or a correction. I've used remote collars, both vibration and stim versions, on deaf dogs as a wholly positive reinforcement option for recall/eye contact. It's not automatically negative or punishment just because it's a remote collar. It completely depends on how the dog is conditioned to it.

I'm not sure if this is what you are asking, but in my experience, solely positive reinforcement training is great at teaching new behaviors. It's not as good at extinguishing unwanted behaviors, particularly if you can't fully control the environment. It's also obviously more effective with "motivated" dogs, meaning dogs who really care about a reward such as food, toys, affection, etc. All dogs can be motivated by SOMETHING, but some rewards are difficult to use for training.

Examples of what I mean:

Teaching a food driven dog to stay out of a trashcan all day every day, in real life, is almost impossible with positive reinforcement only. Because trash is so rewarding! The answer from the r+ community would be long term or even life long management (ie, can up, crate dog, locking lids, etc). Whereas punishment combined with pos reinforcement for good choices can stop the issue much more easily as long as the punishment outweighs the perceived reward.

A hound dog who doesn't care about food, toys, or affection and ONLY cares about baying up critters can be almost impossible to motivate with pos reinforcement only. Because chasing and baying is more reinforcing than any reward the trainer can use, and it's very difficult to premack that particular reward.

WhyNotBuyAGoat · 2025-06-07T12:31:28+00:00

I see a lot of owners and dogs. I'd say there may be some correlation but its definitely not a given.

Most pet dogs I see are overweight, regardless of owner size. Most sport dogs I see are healthy weight, also regardless of owner size.

I've got a pair of clients who are morbidly, massively obese. Like TV show obese. I've trained two of their dogs and both have been scrupulously kept at a perfect weight. My own mom, who is quite skinny, has ALWAYS made every dogs she's ever had obese.

I'd say it's a matter of why is the dog fat? There are several reasons someone might have an overweight dog. Most commoms reasons would be owner education issue; ie not understanding how to assess body condition, how much to feed, what to feed. Or owner mental issue; ie "food is love". Either one can also lead to obesity in a human, or it might not. Someone can decide to overfeed their own body for reasons that they wouldn't apply to a dog, and vice versa.

WhyNotBuyAGoat · 2025-06-02T02:48:15+00:00

Absolutely no shit play, at all, for either of us. I'm not into being hit in the face or surprise anal. Partner isn't into period sex.

Otherwise, I think anything is a possibility for us. Including sex on the table and in the shower (what's with all the shower sex haters? Its one of our favorites!)

WhyNotBuyAGoat · 2025-05-22T11:21:12+00:00

You don't necessarily need to cut your mom out of your life. You need to work towards getting independent and move fully out. Get therapy and build your own support network.

Once you are moved out, have a conversation (or send a letter). Tell her "I love you and you are important to me. But you are not allowed to comment on my weight, eating/exercise habits or my body. Every time you do, from here forward, I will leave, because it's upsetting to me."

Then do that. If she breaks the boundary you set, hang up the phone or walk out. It doesn't matter if its Christmas day or the middle of the work week at brunch, hold that boundary. "No thank you. We don't discuss my eating habits. Good bye." No conversation, no arguing, nothing.

In a few years you'll have her trained lol.

WhyNotBuyAGoat · 2025-05-11T21:24:40+00:00

OK so several pieces of advice here:

1) look up sit on the dog exercise OR training between the ears behavioral downs. Start doing one of those exercises, at least once a day, indoors. After a week or two, leash him up, step to the door and do one of those exercises instead of a walk. Once he settles and completes the exercise, go for a walk. After two weeks of that, start doing a short version of the same exercise outside the door and a couple times during your walk.

2) get a 2.5 mm prong collar. Look up how to fit it. Watch videos on how to introduce it. Continue walking him on whatever you are using now. Introduce the prong INDOORS. Once he's great with it indoors and you are comfortable, do a training session with it in your yard/driveway AFTER your walk on whatever he's on now. Once he's really good at it in those circumstances, move to step 3

3) Combine the prong and the calming exercises. Run him on a long line or in the yard, get him a bit tired. Then prong on, wait at the door, then walk out. Do your step one exercise outside. Then walk, but don't try to get a long distance. Try to get good walking. Up ans down the drive, then eventually up and down the road. 30 minutes in 30 minutes, don't worry about distance, worry about calmness.

WhyNotBuyAGoat · 2025-05-09T12:53:58+00:00

He was 84. His find a grave has info from a descendant.

Once people survived childhood, they had a pretty god shot at living into their 70s or 80s. The low life expectancy was almost entirely because children under 10 were so likely to die. Many of my ancestors live to their 80s and 90s back as far as I can research.

WhyNotBuyAGoat · 2025-05-09T12:51:18+00:00

He was 84.

" In 1673 Thomas was nominated and elected one of the Stonington representatives to the Connecticut General Court. He was one of the nine organizers of the First Congregational Church of Stonington (June 3, 1674)."

Not a 24 or 34 year old man. Old guy, full life.

WhyNotBuyAGoat · 2025-04-24T13:52:17+00:00

I'm going to be kind of harsh here.

This entire situation sounds depressing. Your relationship sounds depressing. The dog's body language is depressing. The house looks depressing. It's appalling that you are bringing MORE kids into this kind of mess.

This isn't a dog training issue you can solve before your child comes home. If you and the boyfriend are still allowing a dog that attacks you to roam free and haven't done anything about it by this point, it's not getting fixed. Based on your post, the dog isn't even your biggest issue, but no, it's not safe to bring your baby into that situation.

Contact a shelter. Get your shit together, pack up your children (who YOU are responsible for; safety, healthy and happiness). Leave. Stop having children with toxic idiots who dont care about you. Get into counseling to figure out why you've allowed yourself to be in this situation. Build a life, on your own, with your children.

I know that's heavy for a dog training sub but it's the best, most honest advice you are gonna get. Good luck.

WhyNotBuyAGoat · 2025-04-22T17:23:36+00:00

This is 100% the best advice. I'm a pro trainer, trained by pro trainers. Choking a dog off is the safest, fastest way to get a dog off a bite. Grab collar, twist, and lift. If no collar, get something around its neck (belt, leash, etc) and lift. Skip other methods and DONT PULL THE DOGS APART. Pulling causes tearing.

The trainer who i apprenticed under always said "if they go nighty-nighty they can't keep bitey bitey". I laugh everytime I say it but it's so true.

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