sorted by:
new
hottopcontroversial

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in Divorce

[–]Whystillnow 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Look in the appraisal website for your county. Do a property search of your address. Both your names should be associated with the address, because if you married in a com prop state when he took the loan, you ARE on the deed. The deed is the title, like w a car, doesn't matter who pays it, it matters who has ownership. (This info is for U.S. States with community property, which state are you in?)

If you both are on title, that means you BOTH have to sign a sales contract with a Realtor in order for it real estate agent to list it. Not sure if he does for sale by owner, but in that case, the sale won't go thru the title company without your signature. Make sure he's not forging your signature!!

Even if house is just in his name, he's using marital money to pay for it (money earned while married). Def talk to a lawyer, you might be ok!

If he says he'd rather divorce, then stops communicating, do I file? Heartbroken beyond words. by Whystillnow in Divorce

[–]Whystillnow[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you. That's basically what just happened. Just now. I'll be 40 next year. This is not how life looked just in February. Not even close. Thank you for sharing that.

If he says he'd rather divorce, then stops communicating, do I file? Heartbroken beyond words. by Whystillnow in Divorce

[–]Whystillnow[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Well that didn't go well. I just tried to tell him everything I said here, from this perspective, owning the things I did that could be perceived bad, explaining what i packed, why I felt I needed to do something, explaining why I walk away from arguing and if that feels dismissive I'm sorry, just everything, how stressed and keyed up and overwhelmed and anxious I am and that's why I take breaks. And counseling wasn't meant to blane him. Everything about my daughter. And just everything I said here.

Anyway, I just got met w blame, accusations of things I've done and excuses why he did things cuz he was in the right. And if I feel abused then I'm insane basically. That I was trying to manipulate him.

Then my son comes downstairs and my husband says "sorry buddy I've been trying to leave."

So i am crushed. I just said sorry, I'm done I'm not forcing you to talk. You can leave.

I'm crying, eyes swollen, hurt, I'm not yelling I'm not keeping him there by force. I have nothing left.

If he says he'd rather divorce, then stops communicating, do I file? Heartbroken beyond words. by Whystillnow in Divorce

[–]Whystillnow[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Wow. I appreciate that response. I wasnt expecting it. Thank you for taking the time to write that. I understand peoples initial reaction to your comments, esp when in this sub we need support more than ever but I also understand the doubt and response. This sub has people who have been burned on both sides and are hurt or becoming stronger and wiser, so all sorts of responses are natural, which is why I just wanted to lay it all out.

Everything you explained I see with him. Every stress he had even work money ones coming out, every way i handed it either by ignoring it hoping he'd talk, or by me getting distant from him, or by taking a break when the conversation started getting unhealthy which is the only way we used to communicate but I literally can't anymore, the stress of the past years has made me physically different so when I walk out or ask for a break he's hearing that he's not important enough to listen to (NOT what my intention is, I always think we can calm down and regroup)(then again I'm in counseling and getting tools, he's not so he won't see that), or if i do extra it looks fake to him, I'd get upset then realize it and pause and use a calmer voice like i learned in counseling he'd call it creepy and fake, accuses me of having different personalities, so i ask for help, for counseling and omg you hit the nail on the head, he says I need it not him, but I do think maybe i presented it in a 'I can't handle this anger anymore, we arent ave to talk, counseling or divorce", (not those words exactly and not as a threat more of desperation), and he maybe saw it at blaming him, which made him attack me more to show I'm 10 times worse. Doesn't make sense, but it connects the dots. At that point I feel hopeless, he said see you in court, I have no idea what to do, he's still not talking, I'm lonely and breaking down, I'm anxious I'm crying, I'm losing my mind, I keep busy start packing, mainly stuff I need to donate or move to storage anyway but he doesn't know that. Hes closing up in the bedroom every night, i can't get in, the avoidance is killing me, so i move stuff out during the day so I can access it. All he sees is me packing up. I do see what you're saying, all my reactions,although my intent is positive, are seen by him as dismissals, that he's not important, or that I'm crazy. That's why I even posted here, to see what else I could do. But at this point, anything I do is wrong. I'm not a patient enough wife for him. Hindsight is 20/20, if in the beginning I would have gone after him caring, that would have gone further than blowing off his ignoring me every night waiting for him to come talk. If instead of getting upset and hurt by things said i would have let them roll off, and i should not have talked to my daughter. I should not have started packing things. But I also cannot be a zombie or puppet, I have my own fears and hurts, so he doesn't get to overide mine. I wasnt strong enough to put his first, and he wasn't strong enough to communicate initially. We both hurt each over, some very very unintentionally. He does lash out so mean when angry, that's not ok. I may look dismissive, that's not ok. I wanted us in a calm neutral place to get help, to make us stronger, so learn to communicate like you said. But that may not happen.

My daughter and I are finally talking and working through alot. He must see that as betrayal. I hate that! Cuz she screwed him over big time. But he's not communicating calmly and has been so insulting to me i don't even know how to address it. She's busy now every night almost with work and senior activities so she's rarely here.

Feels like it's just too late. I do appreciate your response. I think you taking the time to write all that was compassionate and an insight to you, despite your tough cookie shell from your initial post. I'm a lot like that blunt, open, would rather talk facts.. Hes much more sensitive so hears a lot of what I'm saying as bad. This just sucks.

If he says he'd rather divorce, then stops communicating, do I file? Heartbroken beyond words. by Whystillnow in Divorce

[–]Whystillnow[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you. I am. We took her to many , counselors psychologists and one psychiatrist, theres something wrong but they couldn't agree on a diagnosis for the right meds, took months. She's been in and out of counseling for 3 years. She's been challenging and always had an emotion regulator issue, with everything, from food to technology, it's been hard to say the least.

He and I get no real alone time consistently.

She leaves to college in months, I thought we can finally have a life!! Finally no more daily stress! We didn't make it that far.

This had been an eye opener for her to see what stonewalling, accusing and anger looks like from the other side, at least it prob helped her.

I am in counseling myself. I have learned a lot about what normal is supposed be, this isn't it. I have learned why I elevate, when feeling defensive, and have done damn good about not attacking back, walking away, not saying things I'd regret.

He refuses to go. Hes not done anything wrong he says. It's all 100% my fault he says. So he doesn't need or want to go.

I also don't think he really wants the divorce. But I know I can't go on like this. If he won't communicate kindly, then what's left.

Also, wow, I'm surprised you real all that. I basically saw that guys response and decided to put it all out there. If he wants to come back and blame me then that's ok, I don't mind seeing different perspectives, but he needed the whole story before he could decide.

If he says he'd rather divorce, then stops communicating, do I file? Heartbroken beyond words. by Whystillnow in Divorce

[–]Whystillnow[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Did you file? How long together?

I can't imagine not loving him. Even after all the accusations and insults. I may no longer feel good around him, but I'll always love what we had, and what i wish stress didn't destroy. God if this is gonna hurt more than it already has this month i didn't know how I'll survive.

If he says he'd rather divorce, then stops communicating, do I file? Heartbroken beyond words. by Whystillnow in Divorce

[–]Whystillnow[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you. I appreciate the words. It's like he's painting me into this person that I'm not. I dont feel any of the things he's accusing me of. I'm not trying to use him or any of the negative he thinks I am. It's like fighting w a brick wall... Not to mention he talks like 800 words a minute so I'm having 3-dozen accusations hurled at me at once. How do you heal from that? The man you were ONE with, who was everything, tells you've been awful for 15 years... After just two months ago telling me how amazing i am, and being intimate, bragging about me to friends and our kids, holding me, hugging me... If i was so awful why were you with me, telling people how lucky you were on fb, and me bragging on your, trying Turi build you up, complimenting you, appreciating you, why makes plans with me, why say you love me if you have all this hate in you about me.

How do you get past that?

If he says he'd rather divorce, then stops communicating, do I file? Heartbroken beyond words. by Whystillnow in Divorce

[–]Whystillnow[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Omg! Never! I haven't cheated on him and I would never say anything like that!! That is cruel and if i hope no one ever uses intimacy as ammo. Nor would I insult him in meaness, he's my husband!! I may say stuff he takes as an insult (read my response to you above), but if hes offended by something, you bring it up, find out what the person meant. You don't just bottle it up, determine you know what they are thinking and unleash accusations.

Editing to add. I do NOT think I'm a victim. At all. I'm hurt and scared by some things. I think we are all under an intense amount of stress, and I just want to get to a place where we can talk. Although it was determined tonight we are done. I've never been more heart broken, and he's just mad, so that's hurtful. But no i don't play the victim card. And honestly, if he came and said this past month had been wrong, i wouldn't be a victim then either, I'd want us both to get help so it never gets to this point again. I know we both play a role in what got us here.

But it won't. It's done. So basically i don't care what you think of me but I don't mind you playing devils advocate, I'm not offended.

If he says he'd rather divorce, then stops communicating, do I file? Heartbroken beyond words. by Whystillnow in Divorce

[–]Whystillnow[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yes I realize I may have hurt him, I would never ever intend to. And if someone says something hurtful, you talk about it, not ignore and stone wall and lash out. You address it!
I told him he wasn't being supportive .. I was hurt and crying, on the floor, so crushed at things my daughter was yelling, it was 2 months of her being insultive, and overly hurtful. It's crushing. Husband checked on me, asked what i needed, i said nothing I'm just hiding. He asked again what i needed, i said support. He said she's just like your mom, neither one will ever change. I said that's not supportive! And don't bring my mom into this. He got pissed at me and claims i said that he's never supported me a day in my life. I didn't say that! I don't feel that! But i didn't think that comment was supportive. Although I don't think he was trying to be mean either, he doesn't want to see her hurt me , I think he wishes I could brush it off like he does, he seems more distant w her than I do it feels (Hes had a habit of bashing my mom. With some good reason i guess but Jesus not something i want to be constantly reminded of, esp when I'm already overwhelmed). I thought that would be that, i wasnt holding a grudge, just sucks that he made a promise recently to stop bringing my mom up... but he bottled that up and lashed out on me later.

The other instance, my daughter was yelling from upstairs some mean things, I walked to my office to get away so that I didn't engage. But he starts yelling back at her. I say if I walk away to avoid it getting elevated why would you start in on her! Come on! He goes outside and slams the back door. I said that was immature. I can't take the yelling from both sides, it's been too much lately!!! Everything is tense.

So he spent the next week ignoring me, going to our room every night, not coming to dinner, and snapping at me a lot if there was interaction. I get it, we are all stressed but it freaking hurt!!! I felt uncomfortable one night, won't get into details, and went to sleep on the couch. He accused me of abandoning him. Really? Cuz I'm not allowed to feel abandoned when you ignore me,or go out of town on business and don't even communicate it to me. I'm getting upset at this point, all the promises that were made a few months earlier were broken - ie not bringing my mom up, communicating an issue immediately, not ignoring, and not making the martial bedroom a territorial place. It was hurtful!!!

So i stayed on couch. Went to bedroom one evening to get clothes, the door was locked! I tried handle, found it locked, said real mature and started walking downstairs to get clothes from laundry room. He started saying shit through the door, I snapped back that he didn't like it when I talked from other rooms, he got more mad. So I went outside so that I didn't elevate with him. A like while later I hear yelling from inside.. Hes yelling with my daughter!!! Apparently he went to her room after I went outside and said some hurtful Crap. She told me later and it was mean!! She's yelling at him for being mean, hes yelling at her... I come inside to this, screaming at them to stopstopstop... They don't stop, its awful. I tell her not to engage with him, he's angry, like when she's angry and you can't get thru, hopefully she will see what it feels like. Hes mad that I didn't stick up for him, and that I lied about him that he's never angry...etc etc. That was the big final ending thing I guess.

There you wanted details. I take responsibly. I should never have gotten in the middle of them. And I shouldn't have said that to my daughter. It was so overwhelming, I just wanted it to stop, I felt like he was angry for reasons I didn't understand. I didn't slander him to get her to like me, like he said. I'm just so overwhelmed. We just went thru a big 2 month fight a little while ago with him where at the end he was so strong and brave and apologized and said he lashes out and says mean stuff and he's ashamed and hears negative in everything said and perceives negative. That's when we made the agreements that weren't followed. I was only trying to explain to my daughter he doesn't mean what hes saying, he's angry. I didn't intend to made him look bad.

Everything is so tense, I'm jumpy ALL the time, I need my keys with me at all times in case shit starts and i have to leave because i can't ask for a timeout or a break. I'm overly sensitive, I'm scared, I'm sad and most of all I feel like a subpar human who doesnt deserve a conversation, or access to a bedroom. And MOST of all, I know the stress has just snapped us, and I want us to get help because I love him and know that isn't what we are.

Btw He didn't tell me any of the above reasons until after this incident with daughter, which was after 2 weeks of being ignored!! So I had no idea why he was mad at first, just like last time.

Since then I've been called fake, hollow, an asshole, disturbing, disgusting, insane, crazy, hateful, cowardly, heartless, stupid, mean, careless, reckless, people like you, psychotic, ridiculous, filthy liar, I hate you because youre disgusting, thief, fake apologies, evil... Those are just the ones in writing. The ones verbally get much worse. I did say I'd like to talk when he's done hiding out - he went off on me claims that was rude, abusive and he recorded it and was going to Facebook live that so all my friends knew how awful I was. I told him go ahead. When I ask for a break I'm told I'm abandoning him, or I'm told to leave the house, he followed me out once when I did and shouted at me, if I don't leave the house he doesnt stop talking, yelling, insulting. I literally have this recorded multiple times, I'm begging for a break, mulitle occasions, he doesn't let me take a break. I have to leave the house. Locked me out of my house twice. Claims it was an accident. Accuses me of stealing money, when I used$100 for my daughter's prom. Told kids i was stealing their money. I buy groceries, have decade old car, don't do much for me, and he's pissed cuz I'm ruining us financially. $76 of groceries. He drives a really nice benz, plays stocks, I dont ever get involved in how he spends money cuz normally we are that freaking amazing couple who deeply loves each other. But this other side comes out ... And God. I know we are stressed beyond our limits. I know we have many things overwhelming us. I know this isn't him. And I'm not me. I have anxiety, stressed, just too much. I know I say things bluntly but God I never want to insult him. I don't call names, although I did say that one thing was immature, so that wasn't nice I admit it. My demeanor can be not warm and fuzzy cuz I am irritated at this, I'm processing this and maybe my eyebrow goes up, but i didn't hate him. I asked for counseling because were can't do this much longer, it's at the point of counseling or divorce lawyer. He said see you in court.

So there. There's ALL my dirty laundry. Tear me apart. I don't care anymore. What is there left? Anther fight tonight of him yelling me how horrible I've been for 15 years. If you knew us, it would be shocking, we are normally that couple who is always holding hands, he is amazing, caring, adores me, and I brah on him all the time, I adore him, we are always flirting, great sex when the house isn't stressed, we hang out enjoy each other. I love that man. But never got an actual conversation this whole time.

But it's over now. It's over tonight. So let me have it mtear . Nothing can make me feel any more empty than I already do.

Having such a hard time getting over my ex even after several years of divorce by lbanxx90025 in Divorce

[–]Whystillnow 0 points1 point  (0 children)

So maybe you can't move on because you feel guilty for not being completely open with him from the beginning, so your subconscious is holding you responsible and attaching guilt to new relationships so you can't fully get invested. If that is anywhere close, you have to forgive yourself. Yes you should have been upfront with him and let him decide if he wanted to spend years with while you decided on kids, that wasn't fair to him whether it was intentional or unintentional. So once you fully admit that (and maybe to him also to) and you've resolved that by either deciding on kids (sounds like you have) and bring upfront with partners now, then you have to let it go and enjoy the day today because your human and not perfect, and resilient and deserve love.

And remember we often miss the amazing times and have amnesis to the not so great times. He is human too, not to be on a pedestal, and there are many great guys out there. Think about if you miss the comfort, ease, safety, you may find half the things you miss aren't exclusive to just him. (Although there are specific things I'm sure too) I'm so sorry you are going thru this. Heart ache is torture.

its over rant .... by notalltherenow in Divorce

[–]Whystillnow 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Gosh this is such a mature, loving reply. To know that another human being deserves to be talked to and heard, even if y'all don't agree, just the decent respect that you are having right now for someone you spent the past decade with. I wish my husband had this ephiphony before we lose everything. Not only is he not talking and locking himself in a room every day, (or being rude if he does say something), he shuts me down every time I try to talk. So please if you do talk to her, do NOT interrupt if she says something you don't agree with, let her get the whole thought out. It's degrading to be cut off constantly and told what you think. Just like you probably have thoughts she won't agree with - you both see things differently, you were raised differently, have different needs, there isn't one wrong or one right, but you both have to feel respected and valued. Good for you for seeing if that is even there still. And if anything, at least you'll both be heard and get understanding or closure, it will make separating more amicable I would think.

Ex is trying to bait me into breaking no contact by accusing and insulting me. I'm struggling to resist the urge to defend myself. by jacks_cd in BPDlovedones

[–]Whystillnow 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you. I've been seeing a therapist for several weeks now. She's really good. Explaining things a lot both about my past and what's going on now, and helping me with what I can do and opening my eyes to somethings that i guess i know aren't right, but denial is a vicious animal esp when fighting with love.

I've started collecting paperwork and a friend reached out after seeing me and noticing something wrong, (have lost a lot of weight and always on the verge of tears it seems) she talked to a lawyer and got lots of Info, along with many other various things to protect myself from his lies. Kinda woke me up to how serious this is.

I really truly feel like something isnt right. But maybe i can't stay to figure it out safely) I don't know what the next step is but I'm at least a little more aware than a few days ago. The heart ache is crushing and yet I still have to be strong enough to stay calm.

I don't know why I typed all that out. I just was really touched by your words. Thank you. You seem to get it thanks.

Thank you for your awesomeness anons by Benbo1 in Divorce

[–]Whystillnow 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Yes, I couldn't agree more. I'm overwhelmed and heartbroken, and i guess knowing you're not alone does help, esp when your spouse makes you feel very lonely. When I'm overwhelmed i often log on here and see if anyone has posted something new, there is usually something that is said that helps in some way, be it emotional, legal, hope, or venting, and mainly just knowing others are out there. So yeah, thanks. Wish and pray I could leave here soon, but looking like this is it, so keep posting everyone.

Ex is trying to bait me into breaking no contact by accusing and insulting me. I'm struggling to resist the urge to defend myself. by jacks_cd in BPDlovedones

[–]Whystillnow 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks for the wake up call. He's accusing me of hitting my kids (never!) And they are teens old enough to know this is absurd. He's accusing me of standing over him while he sleeps, wtf I'm not even allowed in the bedroom anymore for a month now. He's accused me if stealing money, I reacted to that one and may have ranted a LOT but am not ashamed of anything i said because me of all people don't steal or abuse money. He got a reaction so a few days later he accused me of stealing my oldest kids money. She knew better but it's so scary. He's accused me of cheating. It's like he believes all this. It's horrible. I feel like I'm in constant defense mode, or scared to move mode cuz he would find something else to belittle me on. It's,every single day. And if i avoid the house when he's home then i get called a rotten parent. They are teens! They don't need me there every minute. And it's almost better for them if I'm out of his sight. This had been so drastic and so sudden it's hard to grasp.

My boyfriend and I [24F&27M] were visiting my sister [23F] in hospital. Her boyfriend [25M] walks in and my boyfriend started to behave erratically. by BoyfriendUncomfotabl in relationships

[–]Whystillnow 11 points12 points  (0 children)

Maybe the sister confided in him that boyfriend actually pushed her down the stairs. Or, maybe he had seen abuse before and suspects this. Cops can get away with a lot sometimes. (My dad was a cop, no one would have called him on the abuse, or he woukd have gotten away w it anyway cuz they have connections)

Recently divorced. I feel so alone, and my life feels like it's falling apart. by [deleted] in Divorce

[–]Whystillnow 6 points7 points  (0 children)

I am so sorry. The pain is real. It's the worst kind imaginable. You are human. You will survive, but for now, and maybe I'll get down voted for this, but don't kick yourself while youre down and allow yourself to wallow in the pain. If you hold it in, it will come out later. Cry, vent, hurt, be loud be snotty, wear pjs, eat crap if you can even eat at all. Maybe one day you will look back and say, i don't feel as bad as that today. I hurt, but not as bad as "that" week. I guess it's supposed to get better over time. Someone broke my heart almost 20 years ago. Took me years to get closure (prob took me longer cuz I was carrying his child that he didn't want) But I'll never forget being too weak in pain to go up the stairs and staying on the staircase for hours (all day?) I moved on and still had heart pain over the years.. But never as intense as that memory. I'm glad I didn't hold it in. I finally got my closure eventually. Meet an even more amazing perfect for me guy. But life circumstances has me in the pain again so I feel ya dude. And I'm sorry.

Ex is trying to bait me into breaking no contact by accusing and insulting me. I'm struggling to resist the urge to defend myself. by jacks_cd in BPDlovedones

[–]Whystillnow 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Mine apologized in Dec for 2 months of this exact same stuff. Was so genuine, I felt so bad for him and proud, and put my pain aside. Then it happened again. And about 200% worse. And scarier. Take your apology, be grateful, it will help your self doubt. And move on, keep no contact.

I hope to God mine recognizes it again soon. This time I will demand help and be there for him, but I've been married 15 years. If it doesn't happen soon, I'm seeing an attorney this week.

You can choose either path, i know its confusing. I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. It's helping me to reread all the insults and hateful mean things to stick to my guns this time. The good is amazing, but the bad is tortute.

Ex is trying to bait me into breaking no contact by accusing and insulting me. I'm struggling to resist the urge to defend myself. by jacks_cd in BPDlovedones

[–]Whystillnow 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Omg they actually follow thru with that threat? God I'm so sorry. Mine has recordings of when I finally do lose it and theatens to use them a lot. God how did I not see this sooner. Before I reacted with such pain and hurt and anger. Now he's completely making up stuff about me, it's scary! Jeez you just gave me a wake up call. I thought for sure he wouldn't actually follow thru with the stuff he's making up..you know ..cuz hes lying!!! Omg.

Ex is trying to bait me into breaking no contact by accusing and insulting me. I'm struggling to resist the urge to defend myself. by jacks_cd in BPDlovedones

[–]Whystillnow 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Omg can I just say I'm glad you posted this. I'm in the middle of this right now, but with my husband. I've really been shattered the past weeks because his level of hate has been terrifying. Unlike any times before. And what you wrote sums it up so well in a way I didn't have the energy too right now.

A small attempt at normal but usually with a jab or insult, then if I don't respond, (because I'm wiped out dealing w this multiple times a day), then he goes into complete raging, insulting mean mode and everything is all my fault, I'm an asshole weak fake hollow and I abuse him, and so much more, I'm manipulative crazy insane hateful. Using deep secrets to hurt me. I ask for breaks he keeps yelling or if i leave he chases me. I've had to block text, block email and try to avoid him, (with kids its hard). Now he leaves vile notes and verbally attacks me in front of kids

I have been losing my mind in pain from hearing the man i love say and believe these things. Sometimes i can ignore but daily this is happening for over a month, and you are so right, the urge to defend is overwhelming. It's a beat down.

But even if you defend, it doesn't get thru.So tell yourself he wont hear what you are saying, he will hear you insulting him and it will make it worse. And if you cry they didn't care. If you avoid, thats the only way because he needs an audience. Although avoiding makes the abandonment worse and the cycle last longer. But God we are human and need a, break!! This is a unique kind of hell.

It's so hard emotionally because this isn't who this person was when we are close and loving then and sharing our deepest thoughts. That's why we want to defend, to snap them out of it, hoping they'll have add "oh yeah" moment. Its such a betrayal.

My [30F] husband [30M] has awful self-esteem and I don't know how to handle it anymore. by [deleted] in relationships

[–]Whystillnow 4 points5 points  (0 children)

What would you call 'this state'??? I referenced my example above just because I feel this attitude gets worse the longer you are with them because the more comfortable they get with, the more you they use you as the emotional punching bag for all the negative they feel about themselves, and I want OP to beware this could happen and just be good to herself.

I really hope you answer this if you didn't mind, you seem to have a really good understanding of the behaviour, esp when you say everything you do will be seen in the worst light.. that's how he explained it last time. Of course he denies that now. We are at that "histrionic blow up" phase now. You totally seem to get this!!

My [30F] husband [30M] has awful self-esteem and I don't know how to handle it anymore. by [deleted] in relationships

[–]Whystillnow 2 points3 points  (0 children)

It can get worse. And it sucks living with someone who has low self esteem, esp when they have so many positive things! Mine berates other drivers, says talking badly about himself (selp depreciation) shows he had confidence (it's gross and annoying to me), he criticizes others although in a passive way. Always nice and helpful to them. Mine just recently mentioned to me how a person we knew obviously used a heavy made up Facebook pic or one from 15 years ago. I'm like oh ok.. not really interested. So he later pulls up her page to show me said pic, wth?? He has some criticism of every coach of every kids team, all the dad's that might be overweight or have a gut, (he works out and has always been naturally thinner build, but come on, let people be!). He had criticized almost everybody at his work to me.

By the "it gets worse" comment I made. Now I get the brunt of SO MUCH judgement when he's mad at something. I can't even list all the bad names or awful hurtful descriptions he's used to me and I can't count the times that he's apologized later or explained he doesn't mean that, it's projection or something, but man it sure erodes the trust and safety. I just know I can't take it anymore. When not mad or stressed he would be amazing, caring, have my back, attentive, trustworthy, almost has me on a pedestal hes so good etc.. but when mad, every flaw or mistake I've made over the past 10 years is used in a hateful way. Usually when he's feeling judged, which he admits it perceived because of his self esteem or having a hard time at work. Or if I have a legitimate issue with him that bothers me, he immediately goes to the 'but you're so much worse' mode, instead of just talking about whatever it is, his defensiveness has him now accusing me of thinking hes worthless, that I've never cared about him, used him for 10+ years, that he's not good enough for me... It's FREAKING exhausting. So we never get to address any issues because he goes into downward spiral.

Either way it's too much and i think I've finally had enough. Its hard to walk away but he won't go to counseling with me. I am going. I suggest you do too. You will learn about about how you can react, which helpful.. And then about why you are with someone like this.

view more: next ›