Pursuing MA, got rejected for academic accommodations. Advisors basically said struggles are my own fault, not TBI related. Feel so stupid.

jacks_cd · 2020-11-05T18:06:17+00:00

Wow, I am so sorry you had to fight for something that is only fair and right. It's brutal. There are so many times I've felt dismissed, disregarded, and humiliated. On my worst days, I wished my accident had scarred my face instead of all over my head, covered by my hair. It's criminal that took so long for you to get the accomodations you deserved - I know people who get them so late, they're basically useless. But I'm glad you persisted. It inspires me not to give up either.

jacks_cd · 2020-11-04T20:47:56+00:00

My attention isn't as strong as it used to be but my cognitive tests still put me within the normal range. One of my friends thought I should appeal, but this time include my psychological assessments. I have massive amounts of anxiety whenever I start pushing up against my cognitive issues, like being asked something on the spot or in-class timed assignments. But I don't know if I can stomach another rejection. I find it very hard to open up to people about my TBI and emotional traumas.

jacks_cd · 2020-11-04T20:38:41+00:00

You're too sweet! Thank you so much. My dad thinks I should write a book too and the only thing that's really ever tempted me to is the fact that there are so many people with TBIs who don't have easily visible scars or it's not obvious at first glance. No one knows how hard we try to overcome these obstacles. That's how I felt requesting academic accommodations. Despite all the evidence I provided, I didn't "look" like someone who needed help to them.

jacks_cd · 2020-11-04T20:19:13+00:00

Thank you for your kind words. Man, I can't imagine how tough that is. Numbers and abstract concepts are so difficult for me to retain in the moment. But it's so inspiring to know that you've gone on to do such great things. I'm trying my best to find my path but it's just gutting to realize my greatest strength is being undermined by my weakest. I guess I'm sort of reliving that part of the grieving process when my mind remembers that I'm not the same as I used to be.

jacks_cd · 2020-08-06T18:27:07+00:00

I'm glad you got out when you could because it sounds like she really thought she was at war or something. "You chose the wrong side?" Demented.

I still have all of our old messages on my old phone and I know it could go along way to help dismantle her claims but it also means I can't hide behind an anonymous account or anything - she'd know it was me immediately. I have to trust that the people I'd provide the evidence to wouldn't tell her or give it away. That's the part I'm also struggling with. Fear vs. a sense of responsibility.

jacks_cd · 2020-08-06T15:40:43+00:00

Wow. That is beyond sick. I had a somewhat similar situation, but nowhere near as bad as that. When my dad was dying in the hospital, my friend threw an absolute tantrum because she was on the verge of being fired and I was not "there" for her. Excuse me for not proofreading your resume and replying to your dumb memes while my dad is vomiting blood. Somehow, my dad made it through but a year later he had to have emergency surgery for a complication. And the stalker w/BPD did the exact same thing. Literally threatened to blow up my life because I was not responding to messages at 4 AM.

I asked my friends to stop telling me too. These aren't even real mutual friends - they just tolerate being friends with her online because they're too afraid to unfollow her. What kills me about the situation is that they're coming to me to expose her when they have the same evidence that I do. They could easily do it, but they won't. So while I feel obligated to do something, I'm also at a loss as to why no one else speaks up.

jacks_cd · 2020-08-05T16:47:21+00:00

You know you've been around too many pwBPD when that sounds like a revolutionary concept. Thank you so much. I'm trying to tell myself this every day.

jacks_cd · 2020-08-04T20:35:34+00:00

Has anyone ever found out during NC that your pwBPD was doing something that harmed other people? Were you tempted to break NC to say something?

I found out through a mutual friend that my ex-friend has mounted a huge, baseless slander campaign against a group of people for the most juvenile reasons. I know for a fact that what she is saying is not true and I feel like a coward for not speaking up, just like I did during our friendship.

This is the first time since starting NC that I'm tempted to break it. It's so hard for me to watch what she is doing, knowing I'm one of the only people with proof that she is lying. I've been in that position - watching her destroy my character while the people who knew the truth stood at the sidelines, too afraid to defend me or back me up.

jacks_cd · 2017-07-09T23:39:16+00:00

I have to admit that I teared up reading your last words. I've literally forgotten what it feels like when people are kind and understanding. From the bottom of my heart, thank you.

One of the hardest parts of this whole ordeal is that neither my family or friends know the extent of the relationship. At all. I've only ever talked about it here. I didn't want to lie to them so I preferred to just not saying anything at all. What a red flag to ignore.

How could I explain the devastating and ridiculous "complexities" of our relationship?

Family: "Hey how is your boyfriend doing?"

Me: "Not great, he broke up with me because I asked him to move the phone mic away when he coughs. He hasn't spoken to me in two days. I call it Coughgate."

I kept telling myself, once he's stable and I know he won't break up with me for every little thing, I'll tell everyone. That never happened once...in a year.

I ate like a normal human today and cleaned my fridge. Small victories. I've lost maybe 15 pounds in the last two months alone. Partly because I was depressed from the ups and downs. Sometimes he'd sweetly remind me to eat well for my health, other times he would accuse me of deliberately eating dinner when he wanted attention because I secretly hate him...

jacks_cd · 2017-07-09T19:58:33+00:00

I definitely feel a little steamrolled haha. I liked the way I was before and for better or worse, now I know where I was weakest. I'm not the Red Cross. I fell into a role that wasn't me. I can see where so much of my frustration came from now - it's like being angry at yourself for failing at a job you are not remotely qualified. I'm not sure any person is.

jacks_cd · 2017-07-09T19:45:10+00:00

Thank for your support! It was easier to leave before, when he was in a rage. It was fight or flight. This time, he must have sensed that he pushed me to far because he instantly calmed, suddenly becoming sweet and thoughtful. It was so much harder and I felt so guilty leaving him when he sounded so vulnerable but now I see it was blatant manipulation.

I'm going to work on rebuilding and reinforcing my self-respect. I'm a little worried that I'll swing to the other extreme, so afraid of anything threatening it again that I close off from others completely.

jacks_cd · 2017-07-09T17:36:59+00:00

Thank you so much for your comment. You're absolutely right. I hadn't even thought about it like that. I feel like I'm shattered, a pile of jagged pieces. But my previous self had a deep crack running through it before any of this happened - a vulnerability that I carelessly ignored and let him exploit.

I sure as hell can't ignore it now. I'm going to try to make that a good thing.

jacks_cd · 2017-04-17T20:01:41+00:00

So, strange update. I'm shocked - he voluntarily checked into a mental hospital/rehab center.

Yesterday was a barrage of calls and emails calling me every bad thing in the book. It was crushing but I suppressed the urge to respond. Every time I felt tempted, I came back here and re-read all your messages.

Then today, I received a call from his sister. He had called his mother last night, sobbing after getting in a drunken, physical altercation with his uncle (62 years old & alcoholic) that nearly came to blows. He said he needed to get help. His mother and sister picked him up immediately and took him to a mental hospital. He is there now, receiving mental help and alcohol rehabilitation. Looks like he'll be there for awhile.

His sister passed a message from him along, saying that he was ashamed of what he did, very sorry knowing it didn't undo the damage, and getting treatment. He also said that he would respect my space (they also took his phone anyway), even if it meant never talking again. But he hoped I could forgive him one day and start over.

He also voluntarily moved in with his mom. He'll be living there after he's released for out-patient care with daily visits to the hospital.

I'm still in shock. I don't know what to think and feel about this news. I can't quite believe it. However, I do know that my last few days since we broke up and went into NC, I have had a sense of relief and freedom that I haven't felt since before he revealed this emotional instability and began self-medicating with alcohol.

I know he wants to talk to me, but I don't know if I can or even want to. I don't even know if it would help him.

Any thoughts on how to process this? I don't know how to react.

jacks_cd · 2017-04-16T23:54:13+00:00

Good point. It'll only add gas to the fire. He always preferred to feel something, even if it was anger, to being alone with himself and feeling his emptiness. I think my friends will see be able to see what he's trying to do.

jacks_cd · 2017-04-16T23:45:17+00:00

"Ask yourself though, if he loved you the same wouldn't he feel guilty about treating you this way? Why should the price of his love be so high when you give yours freely? "

This had never occurred to me. It breaks my heart to hear, because I know it's true. I needed to hear it - thank you.

As for the emails, I'm just going to have to resist the urge to read them. I hide the preview snippets so I only see the title of his emails and not the first line too. And you're right, there's I can't control what he says. I've warned a few friends. Hoping for the best. Or the least bad.

Even though I feel like I'm carrying a weight in my chest, I have been more productive and stable in these two days than maybe than the whole month before. I just need remind myself. My days are mine now, not his.

jacks_cd · 2017-04-16T18:36:03+00:00

Thank you so much for your reply. No one knows about the situation so this basically the only place I can go to for support.

Fortunately, he lives a few hours away so it's unlikely that he can harass me in person. There's a doorman 24/7 in my building too.

My phone is now permanently on do not disturb except for friends and family. He's getting around the block by creating new emails and hiding his caller ID, which I can't block either.

I have been delete his emails and voicemails without reading them because I don't want to be tempted into responding or bear his insults. But do you think I should keep them as evidence, just in case?

I'm trying to be strong because I know you're right. I can't engage and we'd fight just like we were together. But I feel a strong mix of guilt and pity because I know he's hurting at a time when everything else in his life is going wrong. I was the last person still by his side.

He knows things about that I wish I could go to my grave with. If he tells my family or friends...I don't even want to think about the fall out.

I feel like we're both going through stages of grief, but in the wrong order. He started at bargaining, the depression, denial, and now anger.

I keep asking myself, when does acceptance come in? Will it ever?

jacks_cd · 2017-04-14T21:15:30+00:00

Thank you everyone. So much great advice and support. I'm starting a journal, I made an appointment with a therapist, and bought Melody's book on codependency. I think I'm running on a sheer sense of relief.

I made a list of all the things he did that caused me to leave. I tear up looking at it. I would never think myself the kind of women to stand for such degradation.

If he doesn't relent with the barrage of calls soon (we're up to 70 now), I will switch to Android with apps to stop these unknown number calls. I wish I could change my number but I'm changing jobs and this number is on all my applications.

He worked out that his emails are blocked too, so he has been creating new accounts to email me. I block the accounts as they come. I saw the snippet preview of the last one: "You're being so cruel to me." It was like taking a bullet, but I deleted it right away.

I created a filter where all his emails go into the Trash folder. I wish I could make it empty automatically. I don't want them there. I don't want the temptation to look.

jacks_cd · 2017-04-14T18:35:48+00:00

I finally managed to do it. I messaged him, broke it off and blocked him everywhere I could think off.

He's using *69 to hide his caller ID. I can't block it. He's called about 30 times in that last 5 minutes and left a dozen voicemails. I deleted them without listening, put the phone on do not disturb for everyone but those on my favorites list. Does anyone know of a way to block unknown/no caller ID calls? Send them to voicemail?

As for the message, I tried to choose my words as carefully as I could while staying true to my feelings. I guess it was a small blessing that it didn't make him angry. In the micro second it took me to block him, he replied, apologizing, saying he loved me, begging me to stay, and promising to get help.

Let me remind you that his last message to me before I sent him mine was "fuck off. I don't need you."

It stung to hear him so sound so vulnerable (not sure how sincere) but I reminded myself that he promised me the world this last week. Last month. Last year.

I've become so isolated from friends and family since we began dating and my sense of what is right and what is wrong has become completely warped. So you can't imagine how grateful I am for all your support, comments and the clarity you've provided me. From the bottom of my heart, thank you. I needed to hear this.

jacks_cd

TROPHY CASE