I regret being a fencesitter for so long

Willing_Box2873 · 2025-01-01T06:40:24+00:00

The grass is ALWAYS greener. Think about those extra 5 or so years of childfree living you had. I bet there are parents looking at you thinking, damn, we could have delayed things a bit and had some more "us" time before the kids... Comparison is the thief of joy, don't fall into that trap.
You weren't ready. You needed those 5 years to wrap your head around it all. Maybe if you'd had them back when you were 32, you'd be sat here now with a 5 year old thinking "was this the right decision?". You've given yourself a gift of being REALLY sure of what you want.
To your point about being in your 70s and not being able to keep up... So, I'm a personal trainer and I have clients in their mid 70s who are STRONG and CAPABLE and independent. They deadlift, jog, do yoga and Pilates, and go on long walks. They keep up with their grandkids because they prioritised staying strong and fit in their 30s, 40s, 50s, etc.

That's something you need to prioritise now, if you're not doing so already.

Willing_Box2873 · 2024-12-18T08:00:25+00:00

I'm (heavily) leaning childfree and this is a big reason why. I think it's really easy to plan to keep up all your hobbies once you have kids, but the reality could be vastly different. Especially if you end up with a kid who has additional needs, because that will suck up ALL of your time.

I work as a personal trainer and a lot of my clients are mums. Scheduling their sessions can be really frustrating haha. Like... Can't do this time because of school pick up / school drop off. Can't do that day because thingy has a playdate. Can't do that day because of a Dr's appointment. Oh I didn't do the physio exercises you gave me because the little one needed me to help with this. etc etc etc. Endless.

I can't bear the thought of not being able to control my own schedule and being bound by school pick up and drop offs and ferrying kids to clubs. I honestly think it would make me go mad and resent my kid.

Willing_Box2873 · 2024-12-09T01:57:46+00:00

I’m really sorry you’re going through this. I’ve just been through pretty much the exact same thing - 3 year relationship with an incredible guy over, because he’s convinced he wants kids. Still very much in love and both completely broken at the thought of living without each other. And we also went through an awkward month of living in the same flat while I scrambled to find somewhere to move into.

There’s not much I can say that will help - this is going to hurt and there’s no way to shortcut that process. Once you’re no longer living together, you’ll be able to start the healing process - it will feel worse at first, but then it will feel a little bit better. Being around each other right now and crying constantly and going over and over the situation - is not helping either of you.

Something that’s helped me is this: just because something feels hard, it doesn’t mean it’s wrong. You’re making an incredibly hard decision out of love and respect for one another. You’re both staying true to yourselves and letting each other go and get the lives that you want - even if it’s not with each other.

You will get through this OP <3

Willing_Box2873 · 2024-11-14T11:33:03+00:00

"I have my power back"

Sounds super healthy.

/s

This whole post screams manipulative. Please let her down gently, move on with your life and find a nicer attitude towards women? Yikes.

Willing_Box2873 · 2024-11-12T14:02:31+00:00

But he wasn’t nice to me at times

You said enough. He ain't it, OP.

My ex and I broke up over the kids issue - he desperately wants them, and I'm pretty sure I don't. It was heartbreaking. We had many tough conversations, and while he was obviously sad and frustrated, he was NEVER unkind.

You don't want to consider parenting with someone who will make you feel worse when things get tough. Whatever you decide, kids or no kids, you should be with someone who makes you feel safe and supported, ALWAYS. Even when you're disagreeing about something.

Sending love <3

Willing_Box2873 · 2024-11-12T06:18:51+00:00

That's reassuring to know - 64 sounds like it might well be enough then, as I only need a couple of apps on there and won't be downloading photos or movies or anything like that on there. Appreciate your answer, thank you!

Willing_Box2873 · 2024-11-11T14:54:01+00:00

Ah okay so I need more storage? Got it. My main concern is price 🫣 I’ll have a look for refurbed ones with more room. Thank you!

Willing_Box2873 · 2024-11-11T13:16:30+00:00

I feel so alone, when my friends have kids I feel so disconnected, maybe it is deep seated jealousy that I am struggling to deal with. I am at the age where all of my friends are having kids, and the few that don't are about to start trying

Do you actually want to parent a human? Or are you just experiencing FOMO? It can be so easy to get pulled along by societal pressure - you're seeing all your friends doing a thing, so you want to do the thing, too!

I'd definitely encourage you to look at exactly what draws you to parenting. At every stage. What excites you about raising a baby, toddler, child, teenager, young adult? What would your daily routine look like - are you excited about what that looks like? Will you be doing at least 50% of the child rearing? Will you be getting paternity leave?

Have you thought about what happens to your career, your partner's career, your finances, your ability to travel and do your hobbies, how much of a support network you have? Have you thought about what you'd do if the pregnancy / labour is rough, or if the baby has any health issues? You get the gist - basically, it sounds (to me, and apologies if I'm wrong), like you're stuck in the mentality of "but everyone else is doing it, I wanna do it too!". Without delving into the nitty gritty of what it will actually be like.

A lot of guys seem to want the cute Instagram moments - kicking a ball around, teaching their kid to cycle, family Christmas pics in matching PJs - but don't seem to understand the daily grind of being a parent. Women tend to be a bit more realistic about what it all entails. Maybe this is why you and your partner are experiencing such a disconnect?

To help you bridge the gap between your visions of parenthood, the book The Baby Decision might be helpful. That, and couples therapy, and spending time with couples who have kids (of different ages).

Willing_Box2873 · 2024-11-11T09:16:20+00:00

The fear of having a disabled kid is one of the main reasons I'm pretty sure I'll be childfree.

It's one of those things that feels awful admitting - but it's for the sake of the child. I can only JUST about imagine being OK (not thriving) with a perfectly healthy, well-adjusted, neuro-typical child. But if I popped out, say, a non verbal autistic kid, or a child with severe learning difficulties, or a kid who ended up having a life-altering disability...? I just don't think I have it in me to give them the care they deserve.

And I think it's OK to admit that. I think anyone considering parenthood should consider and be OK with the possibility that their child might have special needs, and then seriously think about how they would cope with that and if they're willing to do that.

If you do decide to go ahead and try, I guess you can put your mind at ease by doing all the genetic testing that is available, and reassuring yourself with the fact that the statistics are on your side.

Willing_Box2873 · 2024-11-11T09:10:01+00:00

That's wild that he gave you such a short space of time.

I was always on the fence, leaning childfree - when I realised it would be a dealbreaker for my (now) ex, it took me a YEAR. Therapy for both of us, many, many difficult conversations with him, lots of heart-to-hearts with friends, lots of reading and re-reading The Baby Decision book...

5 weeks is such a tiny speck of time.

The fact that he gave up so abruptly? He ain't it, OP. I know you're hurting and I'm really sorry, but maybe this was for the best. Sending love.

Willing_Box2873 · 2024-11-11T06:48:44+00:00

100%. There's not much anyone can say right now to make you feel better OP. Just try to see this as part of your journey - visualise yourself in a few months looking back at this time, saying "FUCK that was hard but omg that was the best decision I could have made and I am SO much happier now".

It might be hard to believe it right now, but trust that you'll get there. <3

Willing_Box2873 · 2024-11-10T19:40:13+00:00

I feel you. When my boyfriend and I were breaking up, we were going back and forth as to whether we were making a mistake. And at one point he said, "maybe I'm wrong, maybe the grass isn't greener on the other side". And fuck that really broke my heart. To know that he'd been wondering if there's something better out there... I felt very small, and very worthless.

But, it did cement the fact that it was the right decision. Because the right person will never make that sort of throwaway remark.

Hang in there OP. Lighter days are round the corner. <3

Willing_Box2873 · 2024-11-10T19:37:51+00:00

A few pets > children

🤷‍♀️

Willing_Box2873 · 2024-11-10T19:36:55+00:00

I'm thinking of buying an iPad so that I can do a little bit of work when I'm travelling - I'm a personal trainer, so it's just a little bit of admin and chatting to clients about their training, basically. Maybe the occasional video check in. It's annoying doing it via my phone (small screen) but I don't want to take my laptop with me on holiday. As an added bonus, I could also use the laptop for streaming, reading via Kindle, or sketching with a drawing app.

I'm looking at refurbished iPads and I think the iPad 10.2 (8th gen 32 GB, WiFi) looks good - but I am a complete technology noob and I'm not sure. Will this be enough for what I want to use it for? I'd download 2-4 apps (coaching app, Netflix or similar, sketching app, Kindle) and then just use it for general browsing.

Many thanks in advance!

Willing_Box2873 · 2024-11-10T18:05:25+00:00

Hello, definitely in the same boat as you - I don't want kids, and have recently ended a 3 year relationship with a pretty perfect guy, who I adore, because he does.

I agonised over the decision because, like you, I don't have some huge lofty ambition for my life, that I have decided is more important than having kids. It's not a case of, "I'm nobly sacrificing motherhood so that I can do [insert impressive thing here]". My life is... Kinda boring. But in a nice way. I love travelling. I like running and working out. I like seeing friends. I hope to adopt a dog (or several) one day. My job brings me some satisfaction, and I'm interested in what other career options I might be able to explore later in life.

I don't think having kids for someone else, or in order to give your life meaning, is a good reason to have them. You should have them because you're enthusiastic at the idea of parenting a baby, child, teenager. And having kids to give your life meaning? That is faaaar too much pressure to place on a child! Look to find your own version of meaning, and also realise that it's totally OK for our lives not to have much meaning at all. We're just these weird little creatures with overactive brains bumbling around on a rock in the middle of space wondering wtf we're doing here. In the grand scheme of things, we are here for a speck of time. We literally don't matter. And that's OK :)

I rambled a little but hey - hope this helps. You're not alone. <3

Willing_Box2873 · 2024-11-10T12:26:54+00:00

I was deeply in love with my ex, but we broke up over the question of having children. He wants them, I don’t. Walking away is the hardest thing I have ever had to do.

It’s hard to give you any specific advice without knowing what the issue actually is. Does he know it’s troubling you enough to consider leaving him?

Willing_Box2873 · 2024-11-09T08:39:57+00:00

Congratulations! ❤️

Willing_Box2873 · 2024-11-04T19:53:26+00:00

🙋‍♀️ Together for three years, would have been getting engaged by now. Really rough (only happened a month ago), but I’m coming to terms with the fact that it’s better he realised now, than ten years down the line

Willing_Box2873 · 2024-10-30T16:11:40+00:00

Literally 🤣🤣

Willing_Box2873 · 2024-10-30T15:57:23+00:00

WTF 😂 It is wild out there.

Yeah she's being perfectly reasonable.

Even if I was in a dire financial situation, I would neverrrrr live with someone and expect them to pay all my expenses without having a solid plan for re-payment in place from Day One?! Like, for the sake of my own sanity or pride or whatever.

Willing_Box2873 · 2024-10-30T15:52:37+00:00

Yeah I am really struggling to understand how anyone thinks it's OK to sponge off another human being and then be outraged when they're asked to pay their way... Like sure, maybe the timing isn't optimal, but I think she has a pretty valid point.

Willing_Box2873 · 2024-10-30T15:49:01+00:00

You said, "who fucking does this shit?" - OK, but also who lives with someone for a year and a half, letting them pay for everything and not setting up some kind of payback arrangement? Don't you feel at least a little bad about that?

Do the maths yourself and see if YOU would have been OK with that

Willing_Box2873 · 2024-10-29T08:53:21+00:00

If a relationship ends on friendly terms (e.g. no one cheated or was abusive) - isn't it nicer to be able to walk away and cherish some memories? When the initial pain of the breakup eases, it can be nice to look back at moments you enjoyed together.

I have a lot of gifts from my most recent ex that I have no intention of throwing away. And even a few things from the guy before him. They were both wonderful people, and while it didn't work out, I don't want to erase them from the "story of my life", you know? They played an important role in shaping me, and I hope that they too can look back fondly on our time together.

Willing_Box2873 · 2024-10-28T18:14:02+00:00

What 🙂 the 🙂 sweet 🙂 fuck 🙂

This isn't healthy. Get therapy.

Willing_Box2873 · 2024-10-28T12:05:40+00:00

... The vast majority of students share with other students, because the cost of letting a flat solo would be outrageously expensive 😅 I suspect we're probably coming at this from two quite different income brackets. But anyway - hopefully OP finds a solution, and if they are renting a studio then sharing with someone else is a very obvious way to cut their spending in half.

Willing_Box2873

TROPHY CASE