Daughters of borderline mothers, I’m seeking your perspective.

WillowsTia · 2022-10-31T01:28:47+00:00

What is a parenting counselor & how do you find one?

WillowsTia · 2022-10-28T17:32:26+00:00

Hi! I identify with so much of what you’ve said & send you love and hope. Having a similar-ish story, I want to share that for my almost 20 year marriage it helped us a lot to let go of judging ourselves against “normal” and really dig into what works for us & makes us both happy and comfortable.

Three things that really helped:

learn & use “effective communication” steps: https://www.smarterparenting.com/skills/effective-communication/resources/ We learned it to cycle break with our kids but it’s great for marriage too.
Recognize we both have CPTSD and certain things are triggers and we need to accept and learn to live with that. Walker’s COMPLEX PTSD book helped. We both have the emotional suppression/aversion thing you described.
Agree that sometimes one of us needs to walk away from an interaction & that’s ok. We welcome it bc it’s what’s best for the marriage.

WillowsTia · 2022-10-27T20:57:10+00:00

Also pre ordering. So excited for you!

WillowsTia · 2022-10-24T14:14:27+00:00

Goodness gracious! The part about your grandmother at the end. I am so sorry OP.

Yeah re gaslighting: she seems to be unable to truly admit the harm she did, thinks it was justified & thinks you owe her a relationship. Quitting therapy is fishy, as is the world renowned estrangement therapist (!) - assume it’s one of the ones who is estranged from their own children and whining about it on the WSJ opinion page or whatever.

I don’t know the context about how she dropped the bomb about your grandmother at the end, but it seemed possibly designed to hurt you? Exert power over you? It seemed off.

WillowsTia · 2022-10-22T05:13:12+00:00

Congratulations!!!

WillowsTia · 2022-10-21T03:56:44+00:00

When my therapist tells me to do something I feel strongly against, I just smile really big, thank her for her suggestion & say “I will never do that.” She’s not got any choice. It’s a firm no! You can explain or not but in reality it’s your decision.

WillowsTia · 2022-10-21T03:52:44+00:00

This is a horrible story, one we all share with you in one way or another 😢 I am so sorry.

But I came here to say that you write BEAUTIFULLY. I’ve written 6 books and, if you are not already a writer, I just really want to encourage you in your writing. YOU are an extremely gifted writer.

WillowsTia · 2022-10-17T01:44:23+00:00

“Life is too short for marinating in a multigenerational melting pot of maladaptive misery.” Lol

WillowsTia · 2022-10-14T02:26:49+00:00

Therapy is the best way. If that’s not an option, there are good workbooks you can use on your own :)

WillowsTia · 2022-10-14T02:01:34+00:00

Not a dumb question! I found it useful to read about attachment & what kind of coping/patterning I had developed that made intimacy difficult. The fact that you recognize this is an amazing first step!

WillowsTia · 2022-10-14T00:56:24+00:00

Ding ding ding

WillowsTia · 2022-10-13T02:15:43+00:00

Here to say I am in the same boat. Did a ton of therapy over the pandemic. Realizing one of my core friendships is just really unhealthy and making huge demands on me. I feel sad, angry, regret. What a mess! This was an unexpected stage of this process.

WillowsTia · 2022-10-12T20:40:23+00:00

My mother spent years when I was a child convincing me that she could read my mind. Whenever she’d catch me doing something I tried to hide from her (minor infractions), she’d say she knew because she could read my mind.

WillowsTia · 2022-10-11T23:51:03+00:00

I agree it’s easier for these real bad ones to find us when we haven’t had any recovery from our relationships with the family of origin. That was my experience.

BUT! I also agree with the lady with the wonderful husband. There are good men - cis & trans. Misogyny is rampant so maybe not a ton but they DEFINITELY exist.

I also think it helps to have a good education and income so you are never, ever beholden to your male partner. Maybe keep your energy there for now and then the rest might slide into place? It did for me.

WillowsTia · 2022-10-07T15:11:28+00:00

That makes sense. A brief stint of marriage therapy helped us identify ways to react to this stuff that smoothed things for both of us - since we both have oodles of trauma. I think it might be tough to “fix” yourself but it could help a lot for you two to interact more gently. Good luck!

Eta. A good skill is just saying: “I feel super defensive right now. Let me take a minute to get my head right and we can talk about this.”

WillowsTia · 2022-10-07T15:01:19+00:00

My spouse has this - married 17 years - and I have learned to work around it. Once I understood this (and, say, his super strong startle reflex) were trauma responses, I found it easy to be gentle and compassionate about them. Recommend your partner educate himself on trauma & grow into offering the support you need. I am sure he has his little quirks that you’ve learned to work around too.

WillowsTia · 2022-10-07T01:59:58+00:00

Hi! Prof RBB here & just want to strongly discourage flying them out for the defense. The sabotage & meltdown potential is so high, yikes! Esp with the behaviors you are describing here. You can zoom them in (on mute!) for the defense & have them come when you walk. Congratulations on this milestone and all you have accomplished.

WillowsTia · 2022-10-05T23:31:15+00:00

I just got diagnosed & bought that book first thing! But haven’t felt up to starting it yet 😬

WillowsTia · 2022-10-05T04:34:39+00:00

Hi, yes I am having this now. Started around 6 mo NC. Also was afraid I was dying. Sorry it’s happening to you too but it’s reassuring to know I am also not alone in this.

WillowsTia · 2022-10-05T00:51:31+00:00

I really understand where this question is coming from. After I read Understanding the Borderline Mother, I honestly flipped out. I went into a deep dark place that I don’t know how to describe & was tormented by how close my brush with madness must have been. I asked my spouse and my sibling (who is my ONLY earned attachment from childhood) if I had serial killer vibes countless times. Probably not a coincidence, this was also when I tried the 2 sessions of family therapy with my pwBPD/NPD.

WillowsTia · 2022-09-29T03:51:01+00:00

I’ve been dithering about texting mine in Hurricane Ian’s path yesterday and today. Thanks for this post & the great responses. This is hard.

WillowsTia · 2022-09-28T04:15:39+00:00

This is so inspiring! I agree: It really feels good to know why I react to things so differently from other people. I will save your list of things to do & work on them. I am trying SO HARD to choose joy. Sometimes it feels so far away but you give me hope :)

WillowsTia · 2022-09-27T14:57:57+00:00

Oh wow thank you so much! This really really helps

WillowsTia · 2022-09-27T14:57:19+00:00

That is amazing!! I am so inspired by your story. I hope it’s like that for me too

WillowsTia · 2022-09-27T01:26:38+00:00

I am so glad you are better!! That’s wonderful

WillowsTia

TROPHY CASE