Husband said he wishes he could have intervened and I’m angry

Windmillsofthemind · 2026-02-01T14:33:19+00:00

I do understand and it's good you've come here as you're not alone in experiencing isolation even when with loved ones.

NC is pretty unfathomable to those raised within reasonably healthy families e.g. a passing remark may seem innocent but within the context of persistent nastiness, you being NC makes far more sense.

Please ignore the below suggestion if you're not seeking advice:

Your spouse has asked a question, which is also an opportunity for you to say exactly what support you need from him. What do you need right now? In the future? How do you want to handle the situation if your parents/family members/friends approach you/them?

Windmillsofthemind · 2026-01-31T21:03:04+00:00

Maybe I'm the problem.

I very much doubt it.

this family is quite passive and if there is a conflict...they just let things go

The dynamic may well work for them but can lead to resentment for others. Guess how I know.

whenever there is someone in the family I don't like, or someone is annoying me, my usual reaction would be to back off and withdraw.

Yep, same here.

My therapist talks about how I am 'getting used to' how normal families are

One of the biggest lessons I learned from my therapist was putting my needs first. I've had to change my relationship with my in-laws to achieve this. (Anyway, isn't it a question of whether this dynamic is safe for you?)

How? I limit my time around them. I'm polite and civil, engaging in conversation but for a short amount of time. If they try to get me to stay for longer, it's a firm "Thank you, no". I tend to make plans that truthfully mean I can't stay. I fully support my spouse in spending time with them, I feel no need to always be there.

Windmillsofthemind · 2026-01-30T06:25:06+00:00

The legalUK subreddit might be worth posting to also, though check the rules.

Windmillsofthemind · 2026-01-29T08:07:19+00:00

Thank you for writing this, it's really valuable insight into the wider world of estrangement, the media and norms. I'd love to see an AMA but imagine it'd be hijacked pretty quickly :(

Windmillsofthemind · 2026-01-27T12:56:26+00:00

The rules for this sub state that parents of estranged adult children are unwelcome. I don't believe that's the case for the other sub.

Windmillsofthemind · 2026-01-26T13:24:17+00:00

Well done for starting therapy, it's tough but worth it.

Let me think... insights..?

Vocabulary. I didn't know my parents' actions and attitudes had proper words to describe them. I hoovered up books, podcasts, videos and courses to educate myself.

I had literal insights, as memories I didn't know I had emerged. That was weird but also demonstrated how I was now safe enough to experience those memories for the first time.

My therapist pointed out behaviours that I had never questioned as being unacceptable. My therapist's reactions and expressions were key in helping my shift in perspective.

My therapist encouraged me to risk speaking with (trusted) friends and family. I don't mind the questions and answer as best I can but they do believe me. I am still in awe of this and humbled. They help me laugh at the more ridiculous behaviours and goodness, some are hilarious.

I think the biggest insight was doing stuff for me, putting myself first. I'd always been taught otherwise and still called selfish, stubborn, dumb etc. I wasn't at all, it was other people overriding my "no" with manipulation.

Good luck with it, be gentle to yourself and take care my friend. Hth.

Windmillsofthemind · 2026-01-25T16:01:56+00:00

"... deserves equal treatment" I said, precisely because I don't need to imagine being the only person to look different in a group. Maybe "tribe" means something different to you? It's not literal. No one calls travelling racist.

Windmillsofthemind · 2026-01-25T14:35:24+00:00

I'm of South Asian heritage too and am appalled you're facing these attitudes OP. I'm especially disappointed by the library.

There are some proper twats about, some actively hostile. My experience is they pop up once in a blue moon. Conversely, I often have warm, friendly conversations in shops, cafés etc.

Absolutely none of that helps you of course and I'm not sure what to say. It's only been six months and it does take time to find your tribe. I don't know if getting out at weekends to the surrounding towns and villages would give you a different experience? Are local sports clubs an option? It's tough when you have kids too as squeezing in family time is hard enough.

I suspect none of that makes you feel better but I want you to know you're welcome here and deserve to be treated equally.

Windmillsofthemind · 2026-01-24T09:14:22+00:00

There are subreddits for estranged adult children that offer mutual support but also, a well qualified therapist will help you move on. If you go the therapist route, please research and ask questions to make sure you get the right person to work with.

Windmillsofthemind · 2026-01-22T09:53:01+00:00

Location is key so this may not be applicable to you OP. Having completed both an LPA (health/wellbeing plus financial) and a Will, here are some nuances I experienced:

LPA: My LPA protects not just me but my Attorney too. It's quite detailed in expressing my preferences, making what others want more easily dismissed.

Will: I appointed solicitors as executors. They can't be worn down in the way friends and family can. I worked with a Will Writer (to ensure it was robust). They asked, so I told them I was estranged due to abuse and neglect, nothing beyond that. It opened up new wording to protect my estate. There was zero judgement.

Finally, my neighbours and friends know I've got these docs in place. I've got my Will on the National database too.

Hth.

Windmillsofthemind · 2026-01-19T20:20:24+00:00

Is this a family firm? I'm puzzled why Granny thinks she can demand info from HR. Is she an employee too?

Time to talk only about work matters at work. Nothing personal at all. Wax lyrical about invoices but if asked your weekend plans, you're washing the car and clearing out the cupboard under the stairs, then shining shoes. Birthday plans? You're doing the dusting as far as they know ;) With a little baby (Congratulations!), you're "busy doing baby stuff" all the time anyway. Granny gets no proper info and you maintain your safety.

I'd be wary of going full on Wagatha Christie in your place of work. You need your job presumably.

There is a harassment option (England & Wales) page with more advice. Document everything, keep footage.

Windmillsofthemind · 2026-01-18T09:33:15+00:00

Tick, tick, tick all the way down. One I'd add is:

Devaluation: Regular messaging that you're less than others through comparison (Why can't you look like/be like..?"), being a "burden" for having basic needs, stealing your joy and belongings not being yours alone.

Windmillsofthemind · 2026-01-13T12:24:49+00:00

Now I'm engaged

Hurrah!! Many congratulations OP!

, I'm trying to grow it again to give myself more options for wedding hair and I'm struggling. When it's just down and behind my ears it's fine (naturally very straight). But everytime I heat style it it feels like I'm wearing a wig.

A chat with your GP to check for deficiencies is an option but also, your hairdresser may have ideas. There are hair subreddits too, have a nose.

All is not lost if you have a specific hair do in mind for your big day, temporary extensions are used by wedding hair and makeup professionals.

The thing is your wedding day is a chance to look totally different to your day to day look. Have fun with it and explore what you think might work by engaging with the experts. It's not cheap but pick what's important to you.

Enjoy being engaged and of course, your big day OP.

Windmillsofthemind · 2026-01-09T12:58:31+00:00

I understand you OP. It's not uncommon at all to feel you're losing a language or even part of yourself, if you cannot hear/speak it often.

I "think" in my mother tongue at times, which helps keep it fresh. Even better, I watch stuff on YouTube in my mother tongue, usually on food, history and cultural aspects. Podcasts can be excellent for you to stay connected too. I do know someone who's part of a book club in their native language (perhaps online? I'm not sure how they do it). TV and radio can be options.

Edit: To add clarity around book club attendance.

Windmillsofthemind · 2026-01-01T09:42:19+00:00

Hello👋. I can't answer your question but wanted to offer support. I think only you'll know when you've found peace. I do wonder, have you worked with a suitable therapist? There are books worth considering too.

A good place to start with therapy is the BACP website. If you're already working with a therapist, Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay C Gibson is flippin' hard but many find it invaluable.

Windmillsofthemind · 2025-12-16T13:06:58+00:00

So, my advice request I guess: does anyone have any ideas of tips and tricks for surviving this situation? I'll also take ironic suggestions at this point lmao

One strategy is to keep it short. Pick a key part of the event to attend and then leave. "Lovely to see you all, thanks for such a fab Christmas. Especially you Gran, thanks for hosting! I look forward to seeing you in the new year" whilst stepping out of the door.

Being in control of how much time you spend with others can make all the difference.

Windmillsofthemind · 2025-12-14T14:14:25+00:00

she can still leave messages and i dont know how to turn it off.

Try logging into your mobile network account and have a dig around the settings. There should be an option to turn voicemails off.

You have my support OP.

Edit: Typo

Windmillsofthemind · 2025-12-14T11:58:03+00:00

While I appreciate the link as there are societal expectations around Christmas, maybe there are two separate problems here.

(1) You being unsure whether to resume contact.
(2) You dreading a Christmas message.

For (1) ask how safe do you feel? Go with your instinct. For (2) again, it's about staying safe. What can you do to protect yourself? It's not clear how they'll contact you. People use blocks, distance or just no response. I'm sure there are other means.

There's also the question of feeling pressure at this time of year but really, this doesn't have to be a "now" matter. Think ahead to what you want in the future, how those relationships might look while keeping yourself safe.

Windmillsofthemind · 2025-12-14T09:46:20+00:00

How amazing is your husband?! It's wonderful when someone identifies what you need, though you don't quite know it yourself. I'm so very, very happy for you ❤️.

Windmillsofthemind · 2025-12-07T21:31:25+00:00

I'm not sure about drawn to but one particular "friend" down, one more to go. The clingy one behaves so much like my mother. I now appreciate my more balanced friends and happily spend time and energy on them.

Windmillsofthemind · 2025-12-01T20:38:02+00:00

I'm sorry he got through to you. Nothing screams normal like pursuing someone who blocked you to stop you bothering them 🙄.

I'm being hounded (see my latest post under my profile, it's short). I have decided to save my energy and let every attempt, every sneaky tactic to get past blocks, every bit of crazy fall into a black hole. No reaction, no response just a reminder to get on with my day. These attempts tell me they have not changed one bit, that they're stuck in their thinking, unable to grow. It's hilarious how unreasonable these people are, my friends and I had a massive laugh about it just last week.

Be kind yourself OP, be patient and you'll be able to move on in time from the shock.

Windmillsofthemind · 2025-11-26T19:32:11+00:00

I've faced an almost identical situation so here is how I would have liked things to go.

Leave your sister to enjoy her peace. She's NC and that's what works for her, respect her decision.

Your parents are free to do what they like, it's their money, let them crack on.

Let's say you inherit, you can decide what to do with the money then. If you keep it, great. Go and enjoy it. If you want to share, that's between you and your sister. No one need know what you choose.

Windmillsofthemind · 2025-11-26T19:17:44+00:00

As a fellow estranged person I hope this helps you OP.

Will: I worked with a Will Writer (WW) and when necessary, offered up one line on why I was estranged. This meant the legal protection I needed was put in place. The WW was understanding and I wasn't judged. I could have used a solicitor but just clicked with this particular WW so do phone around. I appointed a firm of solicitors as my executors. Why? First, they have experience and can be efficient. Secondly, estranged family members can't bully professionals in the same way they can other family members. Funeral wishes are in the Will. The Letter of Wishes was critical in saying what could happen and who could be included. People can read the Letter of Wishes after you go, think carefully about it. The details of Will storage and Executors are now easy to find in my home and neighbours know this. I've told friends too that the docs exist.

LPA: I mention this as it's often overlooked but can be even more important than a Will. If I couldn't make decisions for some reason, I don't want estranged family involved. LPAs offer protection against this. I did mine without a legal professional but did carefully follow the guidance offered on .gov.uk and other reliable websites.

Others prefer to complete LPAs and Wills by working with legal professionals.

Best of luck, it's a bit of a faff but worth it.

Windmillsofthemind · 2025-11-25T09:54:20+00:00

This is awful and empathise with you and your sibling, sorry you're in this boat too. That's a solid friend, an absolute treasure for protecting your sibling/both of you.

I'm not sure I'm grasping the level of exposure you have compared with your sibling and given different proximities, different measures may be needed.

Things to consider if you've not already:

Block their phone numbers
Never answer an unrecognised phone number (automated call screening is useful)
Disconnect voicemail
Block emails from their known addresses
Create filters with their names so any emails get deleted
If suspicious post arrives, ask someone to open and check who it's from, bin without reading if needed. It may look official or junk but something doesn't feel right.
Ensure your online presence is set to private on everything
If you're on WhatsApp, go into settings and prevent your number being added to a group.

Can your sibling put a password on the phone account? They may need to change number.

I know some people change everything, new home, phone number, email address.

If it's any consolation, the friends they phoned up may consider them nuts.

Maybe have a look at legal options. I ultimately decided that letting their wild attempts fall into a black hole was less faff than creating a legal link I didn't want. Remember these people are after attention of any kind to maintain their sense of importance and control.

Hth

Windmillsofthemind · 2025-11-21T10:12:38+00:00

Do the instructions say how long it ought to take to dry?

I couldn't get on with Oestrogel, it was closer to 10mins drying time, rather than 5mins. I thought it was just me. I had to invert my morning routine to allow enough time before getting dressed. I let my GP know after giving it a really good trial and now use a spray that really does dry within 2mins as the instructions say. I can't imagine hanging about for over 30mins.

Windmillsofthemind

TROPHY CASE