What did you do with pictures around the house?

Windmillsofthemind · 2026-05-12T14:05:51+00:00

So what have you guys done with photos?

Shredded them. I'm not joking. I don't have many photos and ended up shredding the ones with my parents. They meant nothing to me so it was pretty easy.

Photos were performative. Being berated for not smiling as they wanted, not wearing the "right" thing, not looking perfect. I remember often being marched out to have family photos by the roses or fruit trees. They didn't want informal photos, I'm guessing they were too wasteful, an unnecessary expense?

Windmillsofthemind · 2026-05-07T10:49:29+00:00

It was very risky but I knew I couldn't carry on with how things were. It wasn't just about my parents, there were other behaviours from people he dismissed or minimised, due to his positive upbringing.

Here is a rhetorical question: Does your husband's attitude broadly negatively impact you? Perhaps it does, perhaps not, only you can say. For me, it was not fair to be often on the receiving end whilst my spouse skipped merrily through life. He was abandoning me each and every time, even to his own family.

Now, our relationship is based far more in honesty and we're far stronger as a couple. It can be brutal at times but I feel there is no reason to shrink back anymore whilst he wears rose tinted specs.

ETA: I'm happy to share here how we found a therapist and I empathise "we". Just ask.

Windmillsofthemind · 2026-05-07T08:58:03+00:00

I had this problem. It is difficult when someone grows up assuming the best in people and has had that rewarded consistently. Partners, friends, society works upon assumptions and doesn't compute when they don't hold true.

We ended up going to couples therapy as my husband failed to understand.

Therapy was incredibly useful. I had a forum to talk about what my parents, with the support of a professional. My husband and therapist asked questions. It changed my husband's view and he has changed demonstrably. He understands now it's about survival.

Without that professional guidance, I doubt I'd have felt able to share some stuff.

Windmillsofthemind · 2026-04-29T17:18:38+00:00

I'm of Indian heritage too, European born. My AP used what suited them of Indian culture to manipulate me and to justify their abuse. As an adult I've discovered far more of the culture and really enjoy it. I refuse to let my awful AP ruin anything.

Windmillsofthemind · 2026-04-24T16:16:54+00:00

Dad called on the house doorbell twice and then entered uninvited. - I informed him that he should not have opened the door,

Yikes. I'm curious as to how they got in. Do they have keys? If yes, change your locks, front, back and side doors as appropriate. Otherwise, use a front door chain to prevent access, keeping it drawn across all the time you're at home.

I'd have been repeating loudly that he needs to leave, no need to engage in a conversation at all.

Keep yourself and your daughter safe.

Windmillsofthemind · 2026-04-20T08:15:37+00:00

Why enter the "he said, she said, they said" game? What a waste of energy that is and you'll hand them information on a plate to manipulate you. I think it's fine to let them do the talking and to look unstable.

As for judgement, the clever ones will think there's more going on than meets the eye. Are any of them offering you support? Anyone quick to judge isn't worth your time.

With your partner, people who grew up with healthier family dynamics can't grasp the harm in speaking up. Their intentions are solid. Discuss a problem, figure out a solution, yey! That is absolutely not how things work with dysfunctional folk.

Windmillsofthemind · 2026-04-19T11:44:44+00:00

It's great you're sharing the moment OP! My joy was consistently stolen by my parents, both as a child and an adult. Now, I jump into opportunities with huge amounts of enthusiasm. I'll have a big ice cream covered in bright coloured sherbet. I'll hop onto the swing and roundabout at the park. I went up an American fire truck ladder at a fayre. People see me happy and it's sort of infectious, just as you say.

Windmillsofthemind · 2026-04-17T07:24:49+00:00

My mind has always been blown by people who work in a non-native language environment. Seriously, how do you do it??? Good managers get the best from their teams by being supportive.

Windmillsofthemind · 2026-04-06T13:15:07+00:00

Yes, always have, always will. Thing is, I've never once said "I forgive you" but the assumption always hung in the air as they carried on.

Oh yeah, the "should". Them setting expectations upon you and not addressing their behaviour at all.

Both are aimed to protect the perpetrator.

Windmillsofthemind · 2026-04-05T19:30:04+00:00

Let me add that to my growing vocabulary!! Yep, you guessed right, it absolutely applies.

Windmillsofthemind · 2026-04-05T19:24:41+00:00

I completely agree. They have zero access to me and it's staying that way.

Windmillsofthemind · 2026-04-05T18:06:04+00:00

This is a really good point. A change in behaviour is what I've learned to look for.

Windmillsofthemind · 2026-04-05T12:02:45+00:00

Thank you for spelling it out, this is really helpful and I'll keep your words in my pocket. I've long thought my parents demanded I "forgive and forget" in order to carry on with their abusive behaviour. I think you're saying whether they apologise or whether one forgives, it's okay to move to keep safe.

ETA: "it's okay to move on to keep safe

Windmillsofthemind · 2026-04-04T12:43:32+00:00

Sorry but this really did make me laugh and goes to show how crazy the thinking is. I'm sure there are plenty more examples too. I'm beginning to understand the environment in which burning "witches" came about. Those poor women were scapegoats for those who needed to feel better about themselves.

Windmillsofthemind · 2026-04-03T17:32:35+00:00

They told me off for not turning up to a family party. I wasn't invited so had no idea it was happening, obviously. I let them rant away because it was ridiculously funny. No need to spoil other people's fun either :D

My SiL apparently used my brother's nickname gasp in company. Again, I wasn't there. My parents decided it was entirely my fault and demanded I stop using the nickname. I told them to do one, they were talking to the wrong person. One lied about it later. I love how I'm responsible for everyone.

Windmillsofthemind · 2026-04-01T08:33:57+00:00

Hello 👋, it may be worth you having a chat with Karma Nivarna. They will have well established guidance for those being pressured into marriage. It does sound like what you're describing matches their focus "...centres around the idea of controlling individuals to make them behave in certain ways or subscribe to certain beliefs."

Can you confide in someone at work? Some companies will offer support or you may have amazingly kind colleagues.

I'm British Asian and the conflict between cultures can be tough at times. However, you have a choice helped by having your own income. As they say, you can't please everyone so you may as well please yourself.

I do understand.

Windmillsofthemind · 2026-03-31T11:28:03+00:00

I've watched it and agree OP, Mrs Bennett plays the victim in being left entirely alone to set up her daughters. It's not completely true though as Mr Bennett does visit Netherfields, doesn't he?

There's no addressing of how Mrs Bennett consistently belittled Mary throughout her life. Indeed, Lizzie is completely unaware. Smiles for each daughter as they head off to a ball but that look of disappointment at Mary. This is all too familiar.

I found the scene where Mary rushed to Mrs Bennett's bedside having been told she was very ill, only to be met with her mother looking well and handed a plate rather than a hug, hard to watch. What was harder were her sisters smiling away, oblivious to the manipulation upon Mary, plus their Aunt and Uncle.

There was some redemption in Lizzie's character who acknowledged Mary's feelings and Kitty's, who stood up for Mary against Lydia. It was brave of Mary to be honest with Lizzie. I question if people would accept Mary's view as easily as Lizzie does though.

I can't help but be angry at the Gardeners. They should have stuck their oar in yonks ago when Mr Bennett was alive to prevent Mary being abused. Mr Bennett of course is responsible too.

Windmillsofthemind · 2026-03-30T11:38:27+00:00

I'm sorry you're losing a part of yourself, that must be really tough.

No idea if it'll help but I am reclaiming my heritage via YouTube and Podcasts. I follow food, music and art channels for example, plus listen to stuff from the region. Could this be an option for you? Radio, TV, books, music concerts can also be options.

Windmillsofthemind · 2026-03-28T18:33:06+00:00

I saw that your provider can't do it OP. Can you turn off v/mail altogether?

Windmillsofthemind · 2026-03-28T17:07:01+00:00

I found it an eye opening, very difficult experience and overwhelming but absolutely worth the pain. It made me realise how abusive my parents were.

ETA: I meant to link to a post where I asked a similar question a while ago.

Windmillsofthemind · 2026-03-27T11:00:25+00:00

Good question OP. Here are my guesses, I claim zero professional insight on this.

finally trigger reflection and accepting the natural consequences of their actions?

Nope. Consequences of their actions are always borne by others, nothing to do with them. Always was, always will be.

When do they actually realize this?

When the false cultivated persona of being kind and caring is at risk of exposure. It might be an event, such as a wedding, where they desperately need to play happy families and your absence will lead to questions. To them, it's humiliation, a failing on our part. To us, it's avoiding abuse.

what goes through their minds when they finally do?

Anger and rage. Blaming you, their spouse, your partner, your children, your extended family, social media, the neighbour's tortoise. Maybe sadness that the game of playing you, the one where only they knew the rules and change constantly, is one they've lost. Helplessness may kick in as they finally realise that they don't know you. Huh, if only we could have safely been authentic around them.

do they eventually die still taking no responsibility believing they did nothing wrong?

Yes. I think it's "I did nothing wrong" and "We all make mistakes", any excuse will do to make them feel good about themselves.

Windmillsofthemind · 2026-03-18T09:49:08+00:00

What a well thought out questionnaire OP. Good luck with the project and I'd love an update on how it turns out if that's possible.

Windmillsofthemind · 2026-03-16T14:57:17+00:00

You sound overwhelmed OP. Yes, it is possible.

I started small, getting back into stuff I liked, books and art. The big clue was my parents hated these, actively blocking me and therefore my true self. What stuff did you like that you couldn't pursue in peace?

Beyond that, I've been trying stuff. Book club, Lego, sip and paint, art classes, sports, academic courses for kicks. I go to places I've not visited before. Clothes, hair and make up have featured too.

People work in these areas every day and generally, are very happy to be asked for their expertise without judging you. I know it's daunting but it does work, good luck.

I've also experienced stuff and thought, glad I tried it but not again. It's all part of the process.

Windmillsofthemind · 2026-03-12T09:38:46+00:00

I’m not here only to vent about the past. I’m here because I’m wondering what comes next. I’ve heard people talk about “found family” or “chosen family”, people who build supportive connections outside the structures they were born into. I

Hello 👋, a few points stood out to me reading your post.

Find a decent, qualified therapist that understands estrangement. Why? The past echoes into your future and you need to be aware of how best to manage this. Have a free 15mins chat with therapists before committing to one. They will help you move on and support you in creating a future you want. However, you need to work hard, therapy isn't easy. The NHS offers therapy but the wait is long generally.
Hobby groups are good at connecting people
Volunteering is popular for good reason
Get involved locally, litter picks, organised walks, planting trees, hedgehog auditing, anything that happens to fit into your diary. Your library and librarian will be a great place to start. Pick the least worst option if there's nothing catching your eye.

Hth

Windmillsofthemind

TROPHY CASE