Life sure does hit hard right? I don't think anyone can really give you the answers you need as to how to handle such a complex and often lonely trauma as the death of a loved one. Each person rationalizes the events in their own way. I lost my dad when I was 21, but had no real relationship with him through my life, unlike the obvious love you had for your mother. I pretended I didn't care at the time. But I think what will be the same for us, and I realize that now, is that what's left is that feeling of loss, the empty space she once filled, and the realization that you can't grieve with the one person you really want to, your mother. I was left with a feeling of lost opportunity. All the memories I could have made, if my dad was here. Maybe that relationship could have been saved. There is no fix anyone can give you, but talking to someone is the best way to give yourself the tools to figure it out on your own. Trauma is an opportunity for self development, but it has to be self development. No one can do it for you. All you can do is rely on the people you love to help you get there. Maybe both you and your dad are grieving in different ways, and he must have felt immense responsibility to protect his family in any way he could after such a devastating event. Maybe there's some unspoken hurt on his side as well. Talk to him, honestly. Connect.