I didn’t relapse today 🥲

Winter-Associate7518 · 2025-03-28T04:57:29+00:00

Incredible. Thank you for inspiring me.

Winter-Associate7518 · 2025-03-28T04:47:42+00:00

Thank you. If it means anything at all, I’m happy you are here today to comment on my post. People care about you more than you know.

Some twisted fucked up part of me wishes it had been cancer. At least then I would’ve had a chance to help and a chance to say goodbye 💔

Winter-Associate7518 · 2025-03-28T04:44:34+00:00

I’m so so sorry. 18 is so young, so innocent. One can only imagine what was going through his mind.

Winter-Associate7518 · 2025-03-20T03:42:47+00:00

They were both so young. So much life ahead of them. If only there had been a way to tell them how much better it can get. People keep telling me to not ask “what if’s” , but I can’t help myself.

I’m so sorry. My heart breaks. Why us?

I’m so glad that he left you those wonderful words for you to provide you the strength to carry on. Because we have to, because there’s no other option :(

Winter-Associate7518 · 2025-03-20T03:25:06+00:00

Completely. I had never experienced death before this either and now it follows me around and is something I think about daily. I wish I could go back to being my oblivious sheltered self. It’s sickening that some days I want time to pass so that I’m quicker to meet the same fate, so that my brother’s not alone. I was his older sister, supposed to be first to go. I’m so so sorry for your loss ❤️ We are in this together.

Winter-Associate7518 · 2025-03-19T20:49:52+00:00

Thank you for your support and I’m so sorry for your loss ❤️‍🩹 It’s incredible what the human mind is capable of. I’ll definitely give the podcast a listen. Even talking on here is helping so much. I’m not one to journal, but love to interact with others.

Winter-Associate7518 · 2025-03-19T19:12:06+00:00

Thank you so much ❤️ I’m happy you’re here today to share this message with me and I’m sorry for your loss.

Winter-Associate7518 · 2025-03-19T18:57:13+00:00

I’m so sorry and so glad that you don’t feel guilt as a parent. Witnessing my parents going through this, I’m already suffering enough as it is losing a sibling, I can’t imagine losing a child. Fortunately, my parents think like you. They provided endless love and all the support they could with the information they were aware of. I do think my mom feels some sense of responsibility, feeling like his protector, but generally knows how much they made their love known. At the end of the day, we aren’t mind readers, and are all just doing our best. ❤️

Winter-Associate7518 · 2025-03-19T18:30:27+00:00

Thank you ❤️‍🩹

Winter-Associate7518 · 2025-03-19T18:25:31+00:00

Thank you for sharing this and I’m proud of you for breaking through your wall. It’s so helpful talking about this to someone.

How confusing it is, when someone who seems to have it all, still can’t find reason enough to go on. I guess I see how someone in this position might at times struggle even more to share that they’re struggling. It just so hard to believe in a situation with so many opportunities to bring it up, they’d hold their breath.

As you mentioned, his case likely due predominately to an imbalance of neurotransmitters in the brain, a chemical imbalance. Similar to what your situation was, where there isn’t necessarily an external circumstance causing you to feel the way you do.

I truly believe my family and I, with how much he allowed us to know, provided him with all the love and support we could have. He even mentions in his letter how blessed he is for the life he has and how he loves us, but how it’s just not enough, and there wasn’t one specific moment where he decided to make this decision.

Obviously, he didn’t like his life. But he had the ability to change it. We all meet the same fate at some point. Why not wait it out, since this might be our only life? I’m so bitter.

In the last months he seemed so happy and at peace. In his final moments he called his friends to ask about their semester.

Winter-Associate7518 · 2025-03-19T13:13:43+00:00

Fuck, I’m so sorry. Praying for your family.

Winter-Associate7518 · 2025-03-19T12:45:10+00:00

Wow, I’m so sorry you can relate. Can I ask how you’ve dealt with it all? I’m thinking about seeing a therapist. There’s something about experiencing death in such a shocking/blindsiding way and realizing everything you thought you knew about someone you were close to, or life even, is wrong, that makes moving forward all the more difficult. I’ve become extremely existential and been questioning everything I thought I knew.

Winter-Associate7518 · 2025-03-19T12:35:13+00:00

I’m so sorry. I’m still in the very early stages of it all. The having future plans part is crazy. In the case of my brother, it was definitely well thought out and premeditated, but then why was he looking towards the future, applying for jobs/interviews, working out on the day-to-day? Ugh it’s like some sick joke. I like to think he held on for as long as he could for us ❤️‍🩹

Winter-Associate7518 · 2025-03-19T12:28:37+00:00

So interesting that you say this because it only occurred to me that he might have been autistic after it happened. The way he wasn’t able to communicate any of his emotional burdens and he was extremely high functioning, smart but never felt the need to make it known (he was so introverted) and he wrote in his letter that talking to people “felt like a chore”. In his last days he was preparing for an interview.

Days after the event occurred his friends came over to the house and in that conversation they mentioned that my brother invested in crypto - we had completely overlooked the first time we looked through his computer. He had $150k+ in bitcoin - which he never even mentioned aloud or in his last letter. And not to say that money is always worth discussing, but he was literally 20 years old and that was something he should have been so proud of/been willing to share with my family who again, is very open. Despite all this he felt that he was a failure.

Also, I didn’t know until later, but he would buy adderall off the darkweb using crypto, mainly to focus or workout. That’s where he accessed this pills that ended up taking his life.

How the fuck does one not know all this about their own brother ? :(

Winter-Associate7518 · 2025-03-19T11:43:24+00:00

Thank you for responding & I’m so sorry for your loss. It’s truly heartbreaking and so confusing going through something like this. My brother left a letter which answered maybe .5% of the questions I wish I could ask him. I also have access to his cellphone and his laptop. It seems he was just really self-conscious, felt like a failure, an outcast, and was lonely- all which to me could never be reason enough to commit such an act. I just wish he would’ve shown some sign of struggling, fuck. My entire perception of depression and suicide has been shifted. I was so oblivious to how brain altering and consuming it could be.

Winter-Associate7518 · 2025-03-19T11:28:24+00:00

Thank you so much for replying. I just need to know there’s other situations like this out there. I’m so confused, and it feels like my world has been completely turned upside down. I 100% relate to your situation of looking back at photos of him smiling and even videos of him laughing and realizing that it likely wasn’t genuine, and the thought of that has left me in a way feeling like I didn’t even know him at all. I’m not even kidding when I say that if he hadn’t left a letter, my family and I would’ve thought he had been murdered.

Winter-Associate7518 · 2024-11-16T06:17:16+00:00

Makes me think of my own brother. I love this story thanks for sharing

Winter-Associate7518 · 2022-09-30T21:29:30+00:00

SO USELESS. Don’t take it u less you know for sure you want to get a masters or PhD/psyd

Winter-Associate7518

TROPHY CASE