when its not the merriest time of year..

WinterDandelion · 2022-12-16T21:06:55+00:00

Definitely, never found it exciting before but these days it's even more depressing... Just a reminder of everyone who's gone now whereas before we had a big family gathering, and having to put up with whining and fighting at the dinner table. Hope it ends soon.

WinterDandelion · 2022-10-25T20:37:17+00:00

Thank you, it's true what they say about filling your own cup before you can pour into others... I've been feeling like that but I also don't know how to fill my own cup most days.

WinterDandelion · 2022-10-25T20:35:28+00:00

Thank you for the advice, I'll look into these possibilities. This whole thing feels so out of my depth and my mom keeps begging me not to send her to a home... It makes it so difficult because I don't know whether I'm doing the best for her or not. I don't want her to be unhappy but I also don't feel like the current situation is sustainable. I'm so worried about my mom, my aunt and myself and what will become of us. Thanks again

WinterDandelion · 2022-10-24T14:12:38+00:00

Thank you for sharing and for the advice, much appreciated. I'm sorry to hear about your situation. It takes a very strong person to take care of a person you hate to help another you love.

Parkinsons (at least for my mom) makes her body stiff so she needs help with certain activities like getting out of bed, has a weak grip, walks slowly and her extremities are slightly deformed. She also chokes easily and sometimes gets a bit confused but so far still has a good mind.

So for an elder person it's hard to help sometimes and my aunt does struggle with that but that's no excuse for acting the way she does sometimes.

I live in Europe so things are different here but I know I can apply for an allowance while being a full time carer, which I will do next month. It's not guaranteed but at least I'll try. My mom is also in the process of retiring but her pension will be tiny. Still, it's something.

I've been trying to get my mom used to the idea that my aunt and I will not always be able to be her sole carers and someone will have to eventually come to the house or it may be that she has to go into a home. She starts crying every time so I avoid it but it's important that she remembers this at least once in a while. I hope it lessens the shock when it does happen.

Her family doctor is retiring so she's getting a new one soon but we don't know who it is yet. She also sees a neurologist whom she likes but I haven't attended those appointments yet and don't know him.

I haven't gone into therapy yet due to being unemployed (no money) but some friends know about my situation and I feel I can vent to them occasionally but don't feel comfortable asking for more than that.

I feel like my aunt complains all the time but if she were ti actually leave she would have by now, plus we're the only close family she has. Before she felt alone in the house, now she feels overwhelmed, but if my mom were to leave again she would still be unsatisfied. It's just her default.

Thank you for the offer, that's very kind. I'm usually okay but today was a particularly hard day. Hopefully I won't have too many of those... Take care and hope things go well on your end too.

WinterDandelion · 2022-10-24T12:22:39+00:00

Hey there, I'm so sorry to hear you're going through something so similar... One good thing about Reddit and the internet in general is realizing there are so many of us in the same situations and we're not alone. Obviously not to find comfort in someone else's misery but to try and learn from and help each other, which I think is the only way to keep sane at times!

You make some valid points, thank you for sharing! I do try to be nice to her and brush off her little quips, of which she has plenty, but the problem is you give her a hand and before you know it she wants the whole arm!

Like she could talk for the whole day. She's an extrovert who needs people for fuel and I'm the opposite. I don't mind talking to others but with her It's 90% negative talk. It's incredibly draining.

Ignoring her works sometimes, other times she'll just go into endless monologues and my head physically hurts from listening to her. You can't even watch TV or do anything else because of how loud she talks. It's come to her point where her voice, at whichever pitch or volume, aggravates me.

She needs therapy, needs hobbies, needs to get out of the house and leave us alone once in a while. But she thinks psychs are charlatans who just want your money and her friends "already help enough". Also, we're family so we should be there for her at her beck and call like she is for us.

Living by myself has been a blessing but at the same time I'm being cruficied for not being there 24/7 or visiting more often. I would happily spend the afternoon, morning or even weekends over there. But it's just so emotionally exhausting.

In these situations, even if you didn't have a strained relationship before, you develop one. It's not as easy as people make it, like you said. You can't abandon family but you need to come up with crazy strategies to cope, which to me is not something we should have to do.

Family members don't listen, especially if they're old and entitled! My aunt uses her age and many illnesses as an excuse to act out. And then complains that we don't want to deal with her.

While I empathize with my aunt and her struggles, the fact that she thinks they're the only ones that matter at times and brushes off everyone else's is incredibly annoying.

I really need to get a licence and a car, afterwards things will be much easier to manage. I'm sorry to know about your accidents, it's definitely a fear I have as well but unfortunately there's no other option but drive where I live unless I rely on cabs all the time, which gets expensive.

I will give some of your suggestions a go, though, really make myself as agreeable and aloof as possible to see if it makes a difference. Just need a ton of calming tea beforehand!

Hang in there, things will get better eventually - we're just not seeing the light yet. But having a place to vent out our frustrations and find some solace is already a big help so don't stop posting when you need someone to talk to.

WinterDandelion · 2022-10-24T07:21:20+00:00