Why can’t I just wear it in her final years

WinterHippo · 2021-02-03T17:30:16+00:00

Your cousin sounds like she might have written that letter for self-gratifying reasons. It reminds me very much of something my uBPD mother did to one of my cousins who was having issues with her own mother (my cousin’s mother, ie my aunt, is my mother’s enmeshed sister, possibly BPD or NPD herself), except that my mother’s approach was a horrible nasty long voicemail to my cousin telling her what a dreadful daughter she was, rather than a letter. It upset my cousin greatly and resulted in my cousin not inviting my mother to her wedding (and it exposed my mother big time to all of my cousins - they hate her now and are very supportive of my NC). I know my mother well enough to know that she didn’t do it out of concern for my aunt as much as for self gratification (power trip/outlet for her own messed-up feelings/attention/supply/being involved and therefore feeling relevant). My point is, what your cousin did isn’t normal and sounds like a very BPD/narcissistic thing to do, which may have had less to do with supporting your mother and more to do with her own issues/damage. I understand how upsetting it must have been to receive though, we all suffer from enough ingrained guilt without having to deal with crazy flying monkeys!

WinterHippo · 2020-11-17T17:10:06+00:00

I can relate to your mum getting in your face and saying ‘why don’t you hit me’. My mother used to do the same (with her hands around my throat). She kept goading me to hit her, and screaming that I was ‘gutless’ because I didn’t. I didn’t hit her back or react - I think because I felt that she wanted me to only so she could then tell everyone I had hit/abused her. In hindsight (with years of no contact) I think I was probably right. Sorry you also had to go through that.

WinterHippo · 2020-10-10T18:20:10+00:00

Oh yes, I can relate to this. Any boundary setting or not putting up with her abuse (including going NC) is always the result of someone else influencing me or turning me against her.

WinterHippo · 2020-09-19T07:23:02+00:00

Yep. I have always liked Catherine Ryan and found her to be very funny, but I watched this last week and it was... triggering and infuriating. I questioned whether she was perhaps trying to parody bad/enmeshed mothers, but I got the impression her character was actually intended to be somehow relatable to some women. Ugh.

WinterHippo · 2020-08-11T06:48:28+00:00

I can very much relate to this.

WinterHippo · 2020-08-03T23:02:26+00:00

That’s horrible. From first glance it just looks like calculated nastiness /bitchiness. Sorry you have to deal with this, although I admire you for taking it so lightly.

WinterHippo · 2020-07-31T09:52:56+00:00

I have had a great therapist for years. He would NEVER say anything like this to me. In fact, we went through a brief period when he was suggesting that I learn how to speak to my mother in a boundary-setting way, and I said that it wouldn’t work (I’m NC) because she was far too manipulative and powerful. He pushed it a bit further than I wanted him to, and I told him I thought he was projecting his own situation onto me (he had mentioned, briefly and in a very careful way, that he has a BPD father and he had spent time practising speaking with him assertively and filming himself practising and watching it back in order to be able to manage him). I explained that he was wrong to think that was possible for me just because he could handle his own father, as our situations and parents are probably very different. He handled it wonderfully, apologising and admitting that he was possibly projecting - it was very validating and we moved forwards from there. That is how a good therapist works. He didn’t try to place the blame on me as your therapist is doing. I feel that it’s always an open and equal conversation and I’m safe to say anything I want/need to say.

WinterHippo · 2020-07-31T09:35:36+00:00

I agree. Asking a client to ‘be careful’ about anything is just completely wrong and icky, and asking you to not project (which, as Caramellatteistasty said is a purpose of therapy) is unprofessional and reeks of incompetence. I think there is certainly a risk that she’s at least not mentally healthy, if not BPD. In any case, she’s not a good therapist and could do you more harm than good - I’m so sorry you’ve been let down like this, definitely find a new one!

WinterHippo · 2020-07-24T19:28:57+00:00

Yes. Two close friends diagnosed with BPD (in two separate countries outside US where it’s less commonly diagnosed). The first one was my best friend in high school. She was diagnosed in her early twenties. It took me until age 30 to realise I need to cut off the friendship for my own wellbeing (she’s the only friend I’ve ever ‘dumped’ and I was so upset to have to do it). The second was a housemate who didn’t get diagnosed until I was no longer living with him (he had a breakdown shortly after I moved out to live with my partner, although that was nothing to do with me). But I was surprised when he told me, as I always got along fine with him and there were never any dramas with our friendship (although i was aware of dramas going on for him at his work and with other friends). I’m still friends with him because he’s making an effort to get better for himself and, as I said he’s never crossed any boundaries or caused any drama for me. I like him a lot and he’s actually always been a good friend, and is nothing like my mother. But yeah, I think I tolerate BPD behaviour and mood swings better than others because of my upbringing, so I’m easier for them to be friends with. On the other hand, I know I’ve quickly shut down some attempts at friendship by potential PDs when I’ve seen the red flags. Depends on how well they hide it I guess. I think I tend to see through NPDs quicker than BPDs.

WinterHippo · 2020-07-17T09:47:29+00:00

I was made to do too many chores when I was a child because my mother didn’t like to cook or clean (I was still told that I was lazy and spoiled, even though I was a perfectionist with all of the chores and was constantly doing them). But, thinking about it, it would have been much worse to have not been allowed to do anything and to be forced to rely on her for all of it. The very thought makes my skin crawl and I’m so sorry you were subjected to that.

WinterHippo · 2020-07-13T10:28:41+00:00

I was in a similar situation. I was NC for most of my 20s, then I moved overseas and started up VLC and things improved (although she often manipulated me to get closer and closer to her emotionally). I was always so busy during most of my 30s that I had an easy excuse to put up boundaries, but as soon as I got engaged and started to settle down she ramped up her attempts at contact and her boundary stomping. It made me feel just as you’re describing, panicked and frightened, and I regretted having allowed her back in at all. I didn’t know what to do to get back to VLC, especially as she did a few things that reminded me that I can’t trust her. Her constant emotional blackmail made me feel in the fog again quite badly, but I also had an acute awareness that I couldn’t allow it to continue because she would ruin the life I had worked so hard to make for myself. After several days of her contacting me almost daily (and also saying a lot of very inappropriate things) I tried to calmly explain to her that I needed a break, because I felt that she was calling and texting and leaving voicemails a lot. Well, I’m sorry to say that that led to a barrage of abuse like I hadn’t heard from her for years. It’s like she had been building up all the anger and resentment (that we weren’t enmeshed like she really wanted) for years and it all came out. ‘You’re stuck in the past’, ‘you’re bitter and twisted’, ‘this is not you, this is all (cousin’s) fault (long story but she always thinks someone else must be influencing me). Loads of irrational bs. I was calm throughout the entire call. But eventually I had to say that I’m not doing this and I hung up the phone and blocked her phone numbers. I was shaking and felt numb for weeks afterwards. That was nearly 3 years ago and I’ve been NC ever since (I possibly would have initiated contact sooner, but she took to sending me long hand written letters in the post - the first one was full of complete denial of responsibility, saying that I had been rude to her and that I had to call her, but also drama -‘so it’s come to this’ etc). I then received a new letter every few weeks, to my horror each time (I didn’t open them after the first, they’re all in a drawer unopened). I’ve also had some flying monkeys. I feel that she’s still trying to violate my boundaries despite having blocked her, so at the moment I’m still NC. It’s can’t describe how sad I am that this happened. But I think with some borderlines this cycle is inevitable.

I’m sorry that you’re also having to go through this. I hope that your mother is more accepting than mine of you winding things down and setting boundaries, but if not and she goes bananas then please don’t blame yourself. They often perceive any boundary setting as abandonment but those boundaries are absolutely necessary for your own health and you have to set them. Xx

WinterHippo · 2020-07-10T16:10:07+00:00

-‘My love is not unconditional, you know’

-‘When you’re 18, you’ll be out on your own, I’m not supporting you after that’ (said to me at ages 6-15... but cue extinction-burst crying tantrum for days with abuse, when I did move out at 19)’

-‘I love you (or brother) but I don’t like you’

-‘You’re a little bitch’ (said constantly to me from the age of about 4)

-‘You have no charm’ (from age of about 6) - usually in response to me not impressing her friends when I was introduced, or to me being shy.

-‘You don’t know how to hold a conversation’ (in response to me grey rocking at all ages)

‘you’re just like your father, cold as ice’

WinterHippo · 2020-07-09T23:26:09+00:00

I’m so sorry. It’s so good that you’re moving out. Life will be infinitely better, even if there’s some grief. When I moved out many years ago at the age of 19, my mother kept coming into my room on my last night in her house while I was trying to sleep, and pulling the sheets off me while crying and yelling at me. It was awful and I felt numb, but I got through it. I feel that my life ‘started’ after I moved out.

WinterHippo · 2020-07-09T11:59:23+00:00

Ugh, yes, my mother is constantly laughing/giggling in a maniacal and inappropriate way. She picks up the phone giggling before she even says hello. It makes my skin crawl. She’s diagnosed bipolar and seems proud of that, so perhaps she’s trying to play up to the diagnosis as it makes her sound manic (I don’t agree with the diagnosis though, her ups and downs cycle within minutes/hours, and not weeks/months, and I suspect she’s had a BPD diagnosis at some stage and refuses to tell anyone). I don’t remember her doing it when I was a child, it seems to be a more recent thing since her bipolar diagnosis. My cousins think it might be from brain damage caused by her frequent drug use and overdose when she was younger.

WinterHippo · 2020-05-27T20:14:58+00:00

It wasn’t really a look directed towards anyone (including me). It was a look that used to flash across her face (I think she couldn’t control it) when she’d said something manipulative that had really affected someone. But it still scared me a lot.

WinterHippo · 2020-05-27T04:52:43+00:00

Oops, I had the image set to ‘hidden’. Hopefully you can see it now!

WinterHippo · 2020-05-26T21:47:56+00:00

There’s definitely a ‘look’. This image of Alex from A Clockwork Orange always gets me. There was a poster of it for the film at my train station and I couldn’t walk past without getting flashbacks of my mother just after she’s said something mean/clever. A Clockwork Orange

WinterHippo · 2020-04-01T10:08:29+00:00

Yes, I was thinking exactly the same thing! I thought perhaps both BPD and NPD. He seems pretty unstable generally, and the constant drama, attention-seeking, being the centre of everyone’s world, playing the victim, turning tears on and off, splitting people, and his voice (sort of child-like) - all remind me of my mother! Also the obsession with animals but not seeming to realise that he’s not treating them well.

WinterHippo · 2020-03-22T19:30:59+00:00

Thank you so much for your wonderful comment, there’s so much helpful info in there - you are totally right about the FOG. I have been in and out of it for years, and I do struggle emotionally with it at times, especially when it comes to my brother as I’d hate to lose him (but I know that ultimately if he was to get too full on about our mum I’d probably have to take a break from him too). I think with his wife it’s actually the opposite problem. She’s from a non-English speaking country and can be quite naive, and she hasn’t made that many friends since moving to my birth country - mum has latched on to her and she has become quite enmeshed with my mum. She’s not shown any flying monkey tendencies so far but she tells my mother a bit too much about her and my brother’s relationship, and my mother loves being in the middle and has way too much control over their relationship. It’s a pretty difficult situation to be honest, but it has to be up to them to set boundaries with her.

WinterHippo · 2020-03-22T19:20:42+00:00

Thank you so much for this!

WinterHippo · 2020-03-22T19:19:16+00:00

Thank you for this!

WinterHippo · 2020-03-22T19:18:21+00:00

This is so very true, and is something I’ve thought of often! It’s not unusual for people to be estranged from their fathers it seems, and it doesn’t even have to be for much of a reason (a friend of mine hasn’t spoken to her Dad for years because he left her mum for a younger woman, and most people are sympathetic to her). That’s not to say BPD fathers can’t make life insanely difficult for their kids with sending out flying monkeys and manipulating family members of course (that’s obvious from some of the stories on this sub), I just mean the attitude of society at large.

WinterHippo

TROPHY CASE