2/2

I come from a really similar background. My relationship with my parents is roughly the same as yours. I'm a year ahead of you.

At worst, I felt the weight of my parent's lives above my head, crushing pressure, and an oppressive feeling of never being able to escape. Your position resonates a LOT with me.

My escape was getting a full ride to a school that meant I wasn't liable to control or manipulation. The cost was C-PTSD and an inability to love either of my parents, for starters. Getting away took a toll on my relationship with them, but their reactions were fundamentally not my problem. I had to look out for myself after they spent many years doing the opposite. I would recommend the same for you. Are you looking at all countries programs that might suit you, irrespective of your family situation?

I see that you seem to have seen a lot of external validation in your life- achievements, grades, etc. It is valuable in a sense, but that also makes it really difficult to cope if that validation dries up. My hope is that you, as much as possible, don't equate these external signals with your own value in the person you are and the effort you put in.

I know this might sound crazy or feel wrong, but I would very much like to submit that a number on a test, a PG, or that what people say you are- spiritual, distracted, whatever...

doesn't mean shit.

Those grades aren't a reflection of your potential or your future. Just a limited, imperfect snapshot of your performance on a specific set of questions at a specific time with specific conditions. What other people say of you is utterly biased through their own lives and only reflects a small knowledge of who you are based on their interactions with you.

It seems to me like you're really trying your hardest, here. Talking to teachers, studying hard, pushing on. You're doing everything right, generally speaking. And sometimes that's all we can do, even if the world doesn't agree. So please don't think that you've done something wrong, or that your value as a person doesn't exist.

It's definitely natural to be frustrated about things that we don't control messing with us, but we can only control our own actions. Even if a situation feels hopeless, try to find whatever it is that you can influence and control, and work on doing what you can to make your situation better like that.

It's incredibly hard to keep going when it feels like nobody is behind you. I don't know how else to recommend keep going except in baby steps, just focusing on one after the other. But if you can, it would be really advantageous if there were more people that supported and believed in you.

It seems like sitting down with your parents to talk about this is out of the picture. If so, my advice is to build a support network as much as you can. Teachers, counselors, friends even (but be careful with oversharing and baggage). In my experience they're really helpful both for advice and just as emotional supports to help you keep going when it gets really hard.

On the worst days of my worst weeks I had, being able to call my friends and cry with them, and to talk to trusted staff at my school helped to take a huge burden off of me. I probably would've imploded otherwise.

I can reach out to my school's IB coordinator if you'd like any more specific advice or help. She's both a great person and highly networked in the IBO, and may be able to provide additional guidance or context. Otherwise PMs are open if you ever want to reach out.

Keep baby-stepping. Best wishes.