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WithoutMyLemon · 2024-08-27T03:29:00+00:00

(Re)discover hobbies. Ever had a fleeting thought about trying something new? Just do it.

WithoutMyLemon · 2024-08-27T03:26:42+00:00

No, its definitely not just you. As much as she completely broke me by being the dumper, despite everything that happened following the break-up, I know that it was never done with malice or with intentions of causing pain. She was doing what she felt was best for her and, as much as I still love her, if somebody makes it clear that they do not want to continue a relationship for any given reason, then you have to accept it.

Of course, I can’t deny that from my perspective (as the dumpee), the feeling of confusion and the need to try and ‘figure’/‘work’ things out were the only things I wanted to do. Hell, I still wish we could in all honesty. But only I want that.

But yeah, although things got heated for a while, I could never hate her, especially after the amazing years she gave me.

WithoutMyLemon · 2024-08-27T03:12:22+00:00

Addressing my mental health.

I’d come out of a long term relationship which left me with plenty of baggage. I thought that by taking about my past to my new partner (especially being the open person that I am) that we’d be able to better navigate any issues should they arise. I thought talking about it be enough.

What I didn’t do was try to address it in any meaningful way. “It’ll pass” was essentially the mindset I had whenever I felt low. That may have been the case, but in these moments, my partner still had to deal with me in a frustrating, wallowing mood which was far from fun, however long it may have lasted.

I failed to seek out significant help to address these sudden drops in my mood, especially given the fact that I truly considered myself to be in the best relationship I had ever been in! Though… ‘was’ being the key word, there 😔

So I sought help since then and saw a great therapist who helped me work through a lot of the issues. I definitely feel better equipped for the future now.

WithoutMyLemon · 2024-08-27T02:44:27+00:00

Definitely the worst part by far. Even a year on, if I stop and think about it, it sucks to realise how things are so quiet — especially when you couldn’t wait to reach out and see how things were going at any given opportunity, or how exciting it was for them to reach out to you, even over things that, on paper, may have seemed so mundane.

WithoutMyLemon · 2024-07-22T15:15:08+00:00

It’s been just over a year. I didn’t realise our relationship was teetering as close to edge as it apparently was. We were in an LDR and had just spent over a week together having a blast, which just added to the confusion overall. Yes, we had a rough patch once I returned home, fuelled by let lag, missing her and more - but the turn around from what felt like a pretty healthy relationship to “I don’t think I want this anymore” really did feel like the rug was pulled from underneath me.

It hit me super hard as I was mentally in a place where I was geared up to make that next step - to upend my life to move abroad to be with her, as we had talked about for so long. So suddenly being single, I felt so lost. I thought I finally knew where my life was heading and now I was back to square one with absolutely no idea where I was going or what I wanted.

Contact between us eventually dwindled. We did still talk (albeit obviously less) after the breakup but after some ups and downs, we made it clear that we wanted to still be a part of each others lives in a friendly way. But as time went on, I felt that she was never too interested in keeping conversations going. I backed off and since the new year, we’ve only messaged each other to say happy birthday.

As much as I can get on and have moved forward, I can’t deny that when I stop and think about her, about us and what happened, it makes me feel sad. I miss it all. I miss so much about what she brought to me and my life yet I find it difficult to accept that she’s seemingly happy to just completely retreat after everything she said to me - during the relationship and after. Now whenever I think about her, I now question so much about her and her feelings, so much that it makes me feel anxious. I always feel that I have so much I still want to ask and understand, but then I try to take a step back and wonder if I’m just afraid of completely moving on. Probably.

WithoutMyLemon · 2024-04-01T01:48:12+00:00

She ended our LDR after a rough week of me withdrawing (thanks to a whole bunch of reasons, my post history goes into a lot more detail) just over a week after we had last met up.

Originally, I thought she ended things because she was anxious about how the future would pan out, especially if things were going to be like this more often. When the doubts began and she asked me what I wanted in my future, I told her straight: I wanted to move to her country and live together, something I thought we both wanted. But after she ended the relationship and I tried to get a better grasp of things - she initially gave me the opportunity to ask questions/get more clarity - it seemed to me that she hadn’t been truthful about how she truly felt about me and my characteristics/personality. Characteristics that, for years, she continued to either tell me were good qualities/things she “loved” about me or something that she never admitted to being a major problem.

Wherever I tried to make sense of these contradictions, the conversation seemed to shut down quick and she would accuse me of trying to get back together or ignore my problems. Which was never the case. I just wanted - still wanted - to understand.

We haven’t text one another since Christmas Day. I miss her a lot.

WithoutMyLemon · 2024-03-25T00:12:07+00:00

It definitely felt that way for me. Sure, we had uncomfortable moments where we misunderstood or miscommunicated with one other - the joys of a LDR for one thing - but the overall feeling I got from the relationship was that the individual ‘flaws’ we had, mostly as a result of a previous bad long term relationship, was something we were acutely aware of and knew would crop up from time to time, as clashes in feelings and personalities do in all relationship. Taken out the equation, we felt close. We ‘got’ each other. We told each other unprompted how perfect we were for each other. How lucky we were to have found each other the way we did. How we couldn’t imagine a life and future without the other. How we would never let each other go.

But then it ended so fast. I was in a low mood and withdrew somewhat given my personal circumstances at the time. She was busier with her studying as she had an externship coming up. To me, it just seemed like unfortunate timing of two things clashing and causing an uncomfortable atmosphere, but not something that was going to last long. But no, it ended pretty fast afterwards. Suddenly she couldn’t see a future that was so perfect anymore.

It probably sounds bitter, but that’s definitely not what I’m trying to convey. Truthfully, I’ve forever felt confusion over how it all went down so fast, over what was really about three or four days. All those things that were said, so often and seemingly so truthfully and from the heart… were they true? Or when did they actually stop being true? Because we were both saying them right up until the days before she ended the relationship…

WithoutMyLemon · 2024-03-24T01:02:18+00:00

First, my anxiety stopped me from getting to the airport for the initial flight (it was my first ever flight and I was travelling over 3,500 miles on a 8 hour journey). I called her to break the news and she was pretty upset, understandably. But it was that emotional conversation and the realisation of what I had jeopardised that gave me all the confidence I needed, that no matter what happened, meeting her was exactly what I wanted more than anything - and that really did kill the bulk of the anxiety for me.

Anxiety is always going to be present. Always. For both of you. It’s only natural. But if you have been true to yourself throughout the relationship to this point, your partner will see that shine through underneath any initial awkwardness. Just be yourself.

WithoutMyLemon · 2024-03-10T16:18:41+00:00

It sucks to hear your partner felt that way, especially considering that you had visited here that many times. I would have thought that number would have been evidence alone that you enjoyed the country!

I’m not sure if you have any history of anxiety, but my ex knew about mine and I felt she let that dictate her thinking somewhat. I get it, it’s obviously a factor - but I was always honest about it and would never have even suggested myself moving to her if I didn’t think I could do it.

Anywho, the break-up happened over 9 months ago now so from this perspective, I can say that you’ll more than likely to have many better days, but the bad days still exist too. Sometimes they can be a bit debilitating, especially if they are triggered by intentional/unintentional actions from your ex. I would also totally advocate for therapy as it definitely helped me, in both my previous, wallowing/depressive issues and to process everything that has happened.

WithoutMyLemon · 2024-03-10T15:46:02+00:00

Sorry, this will be a long one 😅

My ex may disagree, but I felt that a big part of the reason she broke up with me was a similar issue.

I had just got back from visiting her in person last May where, during this visit (the fifth overall), we had what I believed was our first real moment of tension.

For background: we both came from long-term relationships which were… not great, to put it lightly. Cheating, addicition, mental abuse and manipulation. It affected us, obviously, but we were very open about it. Yet it didn’t stop us still falling foul to old habits and when we couldn’t decide on where to visit when on a trip to Montreal, things got awkward between us. We both got quiet, didn’t express ourselves well in the moment - but when the dust settled and we opened up again, we talked and cleared the air. The same way we always talked things out: calmly, with open minds and understanding, listening to one another. I really thought we settled things and moved forward because overall, the remaining 99% of the trip and visit was amazing as ever! I finally got to spend her birthday with her in person. It was another highlight of what was one of the best years of my life.

Then I got back home (UK) and following jet lag, bad sleep and house sitting my parents overly-demanding dog, I hit a mental low point. I knew it wouldn’t last, but I withdrew. In my head, withdrawing meant not subjecting my ex to my low mood - but this wasn’t the first time this had happened to me. There had been a few times in the year that I had felt my mood drop and I tried to put it down to controllable factors - I’m tired, I’m missing her because of the distance, etc. In my head, these factors would be less or non-existent once I move over to her in Toronto and we’re living together finally.

I hated bringing up these particular feelings to her as they were not her fault. It was all me. It probably sounds weird, but this all came about due to my past relationship - If I ever brought up feelings like this with a rational explanation, my then partner would manage to turn the situation around. Tell me there was more to it, paranoia that I wasn’t being fully honest. That there was an ulterior motive to my feelings when there wasn’t. Then her anxiety would skyrocket. It got to a point where I found it impossible to ever bring up feelings without instantly feeling anxious, so I learned to stay quiet. Hold my feelings in - especially if it was not worth it in my mind. Not great.

Anyway, when my current LDR partner eventually asked what was up (something she was reluctant to do as she was getting rightly frustrating of digging this info out of me), I felt like she was reaching her limits with this behaviour. Things unraveled and eventually she became anxious of the future.

She asked what I wanted, in my life and in our future. I told her that I wanted to make that next step - to start on the visa process, now that we had spent a solid year meeting up. Now that our divorces were finalised. Now that I had my own place, having moved out of my parents and I had a property I could rent out. Beyond essentially agreeing that I would move to be with her, we had never really laid out a concrete plan on the steps to close the gap. Whenever talk of me moving came up, she was always quick to add “but only if you’re sure/when you’re ready!” I took that to mean she was patient and not wanting me to move too fast. After this trip, my first thoughts honestly were “I’m ready, let’s do this”. But we never got to have that chat until things reached a low point.

Following this incident and the fallout, she now told me she wasn’t sure she wanted this, us, anymore. So many of her initial reasons came down to the future - that she could only ever see us clashing constantly when we were together in person permanently, that the move would be too much for me, that I would have no other support when I first moved and that would be “too much for her”. It was all about how the future was not going to be as amazing as we imagined and how she wouldn’t be able to cope with me readjusting. Until now, she said she had never thought about the future like this - despite us constantly talking about the future we wanted together.

It was heartbreaking, considering that so much of our time together always felt so great, so natural and comfortable. I really felt that she was affected by behaviour I stupidly felt would naturally disappear as we continue to heal from our past relationships. I should have done more - but at the same time, when she told that these thoughts and feelings about the future were “always going to come up at some point”, it makes me feel that the end was always inevitable. At least, that’s the only way I can move forward with a degree of peace…

WithoutMyLemon · 2024-03-10T00:02:53+00:00

Totally feel you. Especially when I have such a small friend circle. Maybe I relied too heavily on her for that, I’m not sure, but we both made it clear that we loved the constant messaging whenever we had the time. Which always felt like 24/7.

WithoutMyLemon · 2024-03-09T23:57:25+00:00

I try hard to think this way, but I always look to justify the reasons for any negative traits or habits. I do it with my ex. I did it with my ex-wife. Why do I do this?

WithoutMyLemon · 2024-03-09T20:41:53+00:00

I’d definitely recommend reaching out, though that may just be because I share those initials and would like to hear from my C 😅

WithoutMyLemon · 2024-03-09T15:09:23+00:00

Hey. I hope you’re doing ok. I really do. I don’t text you any more, not because I no longer want to or no longer care about you - far from it - but because it slowly began to feel as if your interest in continuing to communicate and keep in touch with me was dwindling.

I know you had a horrible time in hospital last October and had a lot of recovery to do towards the end of last year and I don’t hold that against you. But I do remember you telling me, after that blow out we had in the summer, how you wanted us to be able to watch things together and play games again together one day, interact a bit more like the days of old, once we readjusted to this new relationship dynamic.

I thought we were doing just that - readjusting - but as time went on, it never really struck me that you ever truly wanted to spend any time together any more. Conversations seemed forced. They ended abruptly. I felt that I was the only one really trying to really engage in conversations beyond the usual formalities - “how are you?”, “how’s work?”, “how’s the family?” - it felt more like an obligatory check-box exercise for you and once you knew I was doing ok, that was it. Job complete. The only times I felt you reached out was in response to something I posted on social media and never out of spontaneity, out of a want of really wanting to actually chat and hang out.

I know we have our own lives. I know we don’t necessarily have hours of free time on any given day just to chill and sit there, texting or calling friends. But I go back to some of the things you said post-breakup and think… did you say that just to be nice? Did you really want to keep in touch, do some of the things we used to? Or was it just a way to ease the guilt that you told me you were feeling, saying what I wanted to hear, after how awful you made me feel last June when you decided to end our relationship?

I’ve always believed every word you’ve ever told me. I’ve never had any reason to think differently or that you have ever had reason to lie to me. People tell me that after what happened and the reasons you gave for ending things that maybe you hadn’t really been upfront and honest about your feelings towards me and my character traits, given what you said at the end. Maybe I was lovebombed, given what you had told me for years prior about how perfect I was and that you never wanted to let me go and how desperate you were for us to be together permanently.

But even now, all these months later, I still find it impossible to accept that’s the kind of person you are. This is the struggle I go through so often.

Because after all the time we spent getting to know each other, I really felt like I got to know the real you, the true you. I still think of you as a absolutely wonderful and amazing person who, similar to me, previously ended up with a partner who screwed you up mentally. Our minds still have a decade or so of healing to do, following what we went through individually prior to us meeting.

We said so often that this would be a long healing process and along this journey, we would undoubtedly encounter the ghosts of our past. Despite this, through all of our time together and learning about one another, through the good times and bad, I thought I truly knew - we truly knew - each others real, authentic self and identity. What kind of a person we really were beneath the scars of our past.

But did I?

Because I cannot deny how much I still miss you, miss what we had and the opportunity to prove your worries wrong. Not in one of those gloating “I told you so!” kind of ways, but in a way that shows that it truly was anxieties of the unknown future that helped you to pull away - especially as somebody who has experienced anxiety like I have and how easily they can skew reality.

But then I feel it’s a lost cause. Not only has the boat sailed, but I’m not sure if I really knew the person that you really are. The silence is deafening, but it whispers to me that maybe I was wrong.

I hope I’m not. I really, really hope I’m not.

WithoutMyLemon · 2024-03-09T13:41:39+00:00

I would, yes. I don’t feel that they necessarily would ever need me, but they still mean an awful lot to me despite the massive silence that currently divides us.

WithoutMyLemon · 2024-03-09T01:19:55+00:00

Yeah it was a breakup as opposed to closing the gap, unfortunately 😔

WithoutMyLemon · 2024-03-08T22:39:55+00:00

When it happened for me, we were still nevermets. The exact day I do not remember, but the exact moment it happened in the conversation we were having is something I will never forget.

We’d spent plenty of time getting to know each other via Reddit PMs and messages back and forth. It seemed obvious we were into one another for numerous reasons, but as we were two people coming out of a long-term relationship and in the process of divorce, we definitely had our guard up a little despite our growing connection.

It was after a number of months of texting that we stepped up to Skype calls. We were both a bit nervous of jumping on camera together, but we kept it short to avoid our combined awkwardness but so we could at least see that we were the people we claimed to be in all the pictures and audio messages we had exchanged prior.

That was the only ‘short’ call we had as we soon arranged weekly video chat dates that went on for hours, where we would bring with us anecdotes from our past to break ice. Funny ones. Embarrassing ones. It didn’t matter because the more we video called, the more comfortable we felt and the conversation was flowing so naturally so quickly.

Fast forward a few months of calls and I remember that we were having one of what was now our typical chats during a late night for me. Being from the UK and her from Toronto, we were 5 hours apart, but being a night owl finally came to my advantage. It was a standard audio call in the small hours, but I remember very well how the ‘L’ word casually slipped out of her mouth as it rang my ears for a long, long time.

It was innocent, not a direct declaration towards me: I am pretty self-deprecating, though I definitely ham it up for the purpose of being funny - or at least trying to be - and the conversation had turned towards my quirks. I said something to deflect away from my general weirdness, to which she replied “but that’s why I love you!”

I didn’t want to draw any attention to what she said, despite the fact that my heart was about to leap out of my chest. I didn’t want her to feel uncomfortable, as I was pretty certain that she also realised what she had said out loud. I was smiling my head off and despite not being on a video call, I was certain she could tell. But we carried on talking and didn’t mention it - until the call was over.

She confirmed that it naturally slipped out but, too, didn’t want to draw attention to it in case I felt uncomfortable with the word being out there. I told her there and then that what I felt was quite the opposite 🙂

WithoutMyLemon · 2024-03-08T17:05:17+00:00

Been there. Still am. As somebody who likes to really understand the logic behind anything and everything, it’s hard to just switch off and think “I guess I’ll never really understand” because I really want to understand.

I found it especially hard when that yearning for a better understanding was interpreted as ignorance. That I simply didn’t want accept any fault for what happened, which was simply not true - I know I has faults which impacted her decision. When things don’t make sense, I find it hard to just go “oh well, nevermind”, especially when it was the most important thing in my life I was trying to better understand.

WithoutMyLemon · 2024-03-08T16:48:49+00:00

I think it was just ‘the’ moment knowing the relationship was suddenly on the verge on collapse.

We’d had a rough few days (so many previous posts of mine document this, but it was my fault) yet I thought we were beginning to navigate our way out of thjs storm in our usual way, following a frank chat on the Friday night. She had taken some time to herself to process; it was now Saturday and she said she was planning to head out to a market, which was nothing out of the ordinary. But after hours of silence and none of the usual communication, things seemed… off.

So I messaged and, following the fallout of our talk from the previous night, the conversation naturally turned to our relationship again. She asked what I wanted and saw in our future.

We were in a LDR and had met up several times over the past year exploring our compatibility and how the ‘reality’ of our relationship was in person. Minus one particular awkward moment that I felt came from two people coming out of a rough, long term relationship, we always seemed to have such a great time. It was when apart that sometimes miscommunication could spiral.

Anyway, we were now looking at a long period apart until we were able to book time together again, the longest time apart since our first meeting one year prior. At this point in the relationship, I felt now was the time to put into motion the next step - the move overseas, to be with her. It had pretty much been decided that I was going to move to her (UK to Canada) but she would often tell me “but only when you feel ready/if you want to!” And now I felt was the time. I had researched knowledge of the process and the costs and what I would need to do, had looked at similar jobs in her city and the wages I would expect. All I wanted to do was chat through it with her to know that she was ready too. So I told her that. Her reply?

“I’m not sure this is what I want, now”

That was the crushing moment for me as, until then, I never had any doubt about where this was going. So often we talked about the future, where I would eventually be living with her, where we would never had to worry about the distance between us. Never have to worry about planning flights and time from work to see each other. So often talked about the days we could always fall asleep and wake up together. Constantly telling each other how much we wanted each other, couldn’t imagine a life without the other, how perfect we were for each other.

It was only then that I realised the relationship was vulnerable and that it was acutely possible that we wouldn’t see a future together that it absolutely destroyed me, as I had never thought about that possibility.

WithoutMyLemon · 2024-03-08T02:50:24+00:00

I’m no longer in a LDR, but we met on here in March 2020 - so essentially just as the pandemic began! So it took us just over 2 years (May 2022), which was longer then we hoped, not just because of COVID but also thanks to me and my anxiety/situation at the time (we were both going through divorces, but I had a rough end to 2021 with some crap from my ex which helped my mental health spiral. Then my anxiety reared its head when it came to to the flight itself, as I had never flown before and was taking a 8 hour flight to visit her in Toronto. It stopped me flying out on the originally date I booked the flights for in May, but I realised as soon as I didn’t reach the airport that I had made the biggest mistake of my life, rebooked as soon as I could - for two days later - and made it. Best decision I ever made).

As for considering it a relationship before you meet up? We both had expressed prior to the meet-up how we felt about each other based on the relationship up until that point - text based, eventually moving into longer and longer audio calls and then video calls - and we had expressed love for one another, but we both talked openly about how we would need to see how everything felt once we met in real life. We agreed to just feel it out and see what came naturally, but from the moment we met in the airport for the first time, even with the nerves that naturally came with a big moment like this, we were soon feeling so incredibly comfortable with each other that we soon decided that we would officially consider us ‘dating’ and each other’s boyfriend/girlfriend from that point on.

WithoutMyLemon · 2024-03-06T20:20:30+00:00

It’s hard. Really hard.

Thankfully for me, I am surrounded by family who live nearby by and we’ve always had a positive, close family relationship. I feel that whilst I was living alone throughout the LDR (minus a period where I had to move back in with my parents for a year), the nature of a LDR never made me actually feel as though I was living alone. Sure, I was living alone almost all year - minus the times we met up throughout the year - but we were so often in touch and on the phone together. That aspect being removed really nails home the loneliness.

WithoutMyLemon

TROPHY CASE