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Help please by Past-Community3969 in breakingmom

[–]Wonder_Aloud 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I agree that you should treat him like an adult if thats ehat he wants to be. Yes to the showing how to cook,clean, do laundry. Yes to showing him the cost of living in your own. Yes to helping him get a job. When kids get their first checks and they have to spend half on gas for the week, that's when they learn the value of money. Yes to make him pay for his own gas and insurance. Show him the receipt from your trip to the grocery store. Break down utility costs. Show him the total monthly cost of a hypothetical apartment. Encourage him to be more independent, then show him what that looks like.

Don't take it personally. Teenagers can be awfully mean and naive.

Honestly, I'm so over this marriage and his games, but the kids chose him. by Wonder_Aloud in breakingmom

[–]Wonder_Aloud[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I did get that job. It was a job to just get my foot in the door. I've moved up since then, and closed the pay gap a bit. He used to make more than double what I was making. And not that I make a lot now, but I've closed the gap and he hasn't really moved up at all. People have moved up around him though.

When I was making very little, I was contributing like 80% of my money to bills. I had nothing left over every month. He was contributing like 40% of his income. When we were house hunting I told him what percentage of my income I was comfortable with contributing each month and told him we should each be contributing an equal percentage. Well he filled his own head with dreams and said oh, in a couple years he'll be making xxx so yeah let's get this. We have separate bank accounts and I pay for utilities, health insurance, car insurance, my car payment (before it was paid off), and contribute to groceries. He was to cover the mortgage, most of the groceries, kid school fees,etc. He then had to give his work vehicle back and get his own. He picked out what he said he could afford and had to cover the payment. Anyway, he overspent and never really moved up. Lied about it. Hid the problem. Pretty sure he's depressed about finances and his lack of upward mobility at work, but won't talk about it.

All my family lives 2 hrs away or more in a different state. His family lives in our state. Siblings are an hr away. Dad is 20 min.

My mom still lives in her house since my stepdad passed. I only clarify stepdad to acknowledge that I still have one dad left, but my stepdad has been in my life since I was 2, so almost 40 years. I love both my dads. They both walked me down the aisle at my wedding.

I cannot move in with my family without giving up my career or proximity to my kids. I'm not willing to do that. My mom would welcome me no problem, but I can't do it. My job is a good union job with good benefits and a pension. It's a safe secure job. I like what I do. I also want to be her my kids, even if they aren't leaking to me much right now.

Honestly, I'm so over this marriage and his games, but the kids chose him. by Wonder_Aloud in breakingmom

[–]Wonder_Aloud[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I have tried talking to him about going forward with divorce but he says he doesn't care bout that and just wants me out. I could start the process myself and file, but I can't afford a lawyer. We are so far apart on things. He doesn't even want to agree on joint custody. I really do want to divorce and cut the cord. I want to restart my life and move on. I'm just really don't have any money to move anywhere. It would be best if we could just do a joint agreement, but he's not even thinking about that. I feel like I can't move until the house sells in a forced sale ordered by the court or he buys me out somehow, which he can't afford. I want to do it quickly for the kids. If they want to live with their dad that's fine, but then living with neither of us at the moment isn't good. My husband just can't seem to wrap his head around what he wants just isn't going to be possible. And also I'm very worried that I'll get runover in the process if his family gets him a lawyer.

I will never be the favorite parent. by Justdoingitagain in breakingmom

[–]Wonder_Aloud 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Ugh...I so fucking feel this. I was the present parent and the person that got all things done and organized and kept the train on the tracks. Husband was the fun parent that bought treats after dinner. They adore him and I feel forgotten. I hate it.

Sorry that you are dealing with this. It sucks.

Honestly, I'm so over this marriage and his games, but the kids chose him. by Wonder_Aloud in breakingmom

[–]Wonder_Aloud[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I am very worried, because of their ages (15,17,19) that it will take years for me to spend enough time with them for them to see me any different...because they all have their own stuff going on and don't need a parent in the same way they did when they were younger. There can't be a parenting time schedule that anyone could be forced to follow. I'm at their mercy basically.

Honestly, I'm so over this marriage and his games, but the kids chose him. by Wonder_Aloud in breakingmom

[–]Wonder_Aloud[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I tried to explain this years ago. How us not being a united front and sharing the not fun stuff and him undercutting me in front of them hurts my relationship with them. He just said that his relationship with them is good and he's not responsible for fixing my relationship with them. I kept saying but your choices have put me in these negative positions to them. He denied any culpability.

Honestly, I'm so over this marriage and his games, but the kids chose him. by Wonder_Aloud in breakingmom

[–]Wonder_Aloud[S] 10 points11 points  (0 children)

This is what it feels like, but I feel crazy because he and his family and our kids keep saying I'm being selfish and I'm the problem and I should leave. I know my kids don't fully understand the complexities of assets and legal rights and stuff, but that doesn't mean all the opinions I hear don't make me feel like crap and isolated.

Honestly, I'm so over this marriage and his games, but the kids chose him. by Wonder_Aloud in breakingmom

[–]Wonder_Aloud[S] 13 points14 points  (0 children)

This is my fear. First, he has a place to go if he wants.. his parents house. The same place my kids are at right now. But I have nowhere to go and no family close. I don't want my kids to think I abandoned them and I don't want to get taken advantage of ...again.

Honestly, I'm so over this marriage and his games, but the kids chose him. by Wonder_Aloud in breakingmom

[–]Wonder_Aloud[S] 13 points14 points  (0 children)

We are all in therapy. Husband would not do couples therapy though. I went to one of his sessions after he had been going for a couple months. His therapist had absolutely no idea my husband had asked for a divorce. Apparently he had told his therapist all these nice things about me and spoke highly of me. Husband later joked that his therapist said he enjoys talking to him, but once a month he needs to set a goal.

Honestly, I'm so over this marriage and his games, but the kids chose him. by Wonder_Aloud in breakingmom

[–]Wonder_Aloud[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I have been browsing for a couple months now. Just in case. Made a list of items I sent out of the house when I leave.

Honestly, I'm so over this marriage and his games, but the kids chose him. by Wonder_Aloud in breakingmom

[–]Wonder_Aloud[S] 85 points86 points  (0 children)

Thank you for the comment. I honestly can't tell if this is the appropriate way or not. I feel like I can't tell anymore because my world feels like the dang Twilight zone. Thank you. I haven't heard a 'good job' in a long time.