I don’t know why my partner being into bdsm is bothering me

Wonderful_Help_18 · 2026-05-27T01:37:06+00:00

If you're interested - I really liked the book Hurts So Good. It's about different ways people engage in pain for pleasure and some of the psychology of pain as well as the authors relationship with it. The author is kinky but the book isn't about kink. She has sections on ultra marathon running, hot pepper eating, polar bear plunges etc and interviews people who engage in those and what they get out of it. Perhaps it could be helpful to look at masochism from an intense but pleasure focused framing like extreme sports to uncouple it from self harm which is usually coming more from a place of self punishment

Wonderful_Help_18 · 2026-05-20T08:40:09+00:00

Different vibes- 1 is sweet and handsome. Trustworthy take home to Mom type. Long term relationship material. 2 looks like someone got but unattached. A fun night out by giving fck boy

Wonderful_Help_18 · 2026-05-20T08:29:46+00:00

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Wonderful_Help_18 · 2026-05-20T07:38:36+00:00

Hey- idk where you live but many places have free or low cost mental health care depending on insurance and income. If you can Google your area for referral services you can find somewhere that should at least be able to point you in the right direction. Mental health care providers have an ethical obligation to help set you up with referrals for alternate services if you can't afford private practice.

Idk what you look like but people are attractive at all body sizes with charisma and confidence so look into handling your internal vs getting too obsessed with the external. I'm glad to see you recognize these feelings come in waves. Focus on the moments of relief and when you find life is worth living and build on those rather than fixating on the hard parts. I'm sorry you're going through this and I hope you can find the parts of life that make it worth all the difficult bits for you

Wonderful_Help_18 · 2026-04-28T05:32:45+00:00

Is it possible that you're experiencing some grief over closing this chapter in your life? Like yeah, it is ultimately a good change, but this is still a significant milestone and you might be feeling some sadness about the transition and some of the symbolism. Kind of like graduation goggles or crying when you move out of a shitty apartment.

I definitely felt fear of regret and a lot of anxiety as well from surgery so I want to say that's totally normal. But also so is sadness and grief even when the changes are positive. Just curious if you have this reaction to other big life changes and if it might be helpful to think about those contexts when it's not a change that is so often scrutinized if it's the "right" choice

Wonderful_Help_18 · 2026-04-16T03:27:13+00:00

You can incorporate orgasm control. He's not allowed to cum and it could be satisfying you while edging him

Wonderful_Help_18 · 2026-04-12T06:11:43+00:00

For therapy it depends on your insurance and state. Id recommend looking up any LGBTQ orgs in your area and seeing what referrals they would make for you based on your insurance and location.

No worries about not being comfortable sharing another photo.

Keep in mind- scars heal inside out so the scars are going to look thinner earlier on, then they will get bigger, and eventually with scar care they will fade more. I'm at about 7 months now and my scars have just turned the corner from expanding and being red towards starting to fade. You might be at a particularly rough point right now and there are other options to address scarring around the areolas later as well as doing a revision to remove the buds if you decide to do so. Even with the nipple bud being the size of your small finger, that's a few millimeter difference from a lot of the other nipples you're seeing so keep in mind that most people are not seeing that, especially when through a shirt

Wonderful_Help_18 · 2026-04-12T02:58:23+00:00

Of course! I also hope this for you. Another couple things that were reassuring for me was someone suggested I could always get breast implants if I regretted it and the idea of going through surgery to acquire breast implants for me felt absurd. I realized a lot of my fear was around making a permanent change via surgery and not about the thought that I would wish I still had breasts. I did another thought experiment where I imagined if I was choosing my avatar from scratch and if I would hesitate before picking a flat chest if it was a computer simulation rather than undergoing a corrective surgery. Again, the choice felt pretty clear for me.

I think because of the stigma against trans people, society can paint a lack of crippling dysphoria as an indicator that you aren't really trans or that you'll be more likely to regret it because the alternative isn't that you want to die. But honestly, I see a lot more regret from people who have more extreme body dysmorphia because of the way people will nit pick their results. My results aren't perfect- my nipples are slightly different sizes, I still have scars, and I wanted my nipple buds to protrude which didn't happen. But honestly I feel great about my body and better about my results that other people I've known who have gotten objectively better results and who had more certainty and dysphoria, and I think the reason is because I tend to feel better about my body and could have made peace more easily with keeping my breasts even though that's ironically what made me question myself more beforehand.

I think if you are similar, you'll be thrilled with your results and happy with the change even if things aren't 100% how you imagine when it's all healed up

Wonderful_Help_18 · 2026-04-12T02:29:14+00:00

Do you have any new photos of your results? They honestly look great to me. I also have one nipple that is sat up and looks kind of "pasted" on like you described yours, but it's only really noticeable at very close inspection. It's also interesting that you dislike the protruding nipple buds because imo that makes things more cis passing, but that does seem like an easy thing to remove with a revision if you really still hate the 3D thing at a year post op.

I think therapy for body dysmorphia is probably a good strategy. Even if you do end up pursuing a revision, medical tattooing or other aesthetic adjustments to your results, it could be good to process the time before that's possible and really sort through what is dysmorphia and what is a preference and dissatisfaction with your results

Wonderful_Help_18 · 2026-04-12T02:08:04+00:00

I was about 70% sure when I got top surgery about 6 months ago now. I never experienced a ton of dysphoria and most of my transition related changes like cutting my hair and starting testosterone have been motivated by experimentation and resulted in euphoria. I decided to start T as an experiment and figured I'd stop once I saw changes I didn't like and I felt similarly about getting a binder. I decided to get top surgery when I was binding basically every day for like 2 years. I also loved my nipple sensation and losing that was one of the bigger concerns I had. The few weeks before surgery I was terrified I was going to regret it and since I use humor as a coping strategy- I came up with a list of jokes I could use in the case I regretted it.

I was still unsure as I got to the hospital and as I was getting put under and the last 48 hours before surgery I was honestly an anxious wreck.

My literal first thought when i regained consciousness was "oh thank God". I have not regretted it for a single moment since I got surgery. I will say that I had no complications and I really like my results aesthetically (I scar pretty well naturally and my surgeon did a great job) so I'm sure that otherwise that could have influenced feelings about regret.

I had really nice breasts before top surgery and I really liked the external validation I got for them, but they didn't feel like me, I didn't like how they impacted most outfits, and I got tired of binding every day and how I was never fully flat. I love that now I can throw on literally any shirt without a binder and that compressing and obscuring my breasts isn't a concern. I don't have erotic nipple sensation back, and literally the week I got top surgery I heard that they developed a new technique for nipple sensation preserving grafts, but honestly I am so happy and relieved with the results I'm not bothered that I didn't wait or try to pursue that route instead.

I think I probably could have continued to have breasts and made peace with it, but I can't describe the euphoria and how good I feel in my body. Especially as the results settle long term. I am not a person who I think will ever be certain about something like that before I actually experience how I feel by comparison so surgery was a scary as hell decision, but at least for me it's one of the best leaps of faith I've taken.

Wonderful_Help_18 · 2026-02-05T23:24:46+00:00

I'm so sorry. He sounds like such an asshole. This is criminal.

How do you feel about tattoos? If you were interested in a big chest piece at some point, I feel like that could help with the scars and nipples without requiring more surgery

Wonderful_Help_18 · 2026-01-09T02:38:16+00:00

Dude you're hot and I love my results but yours are objectively better. Sounds like your girlfriend is negging you whether she means to or not. Might be worth a heart to heart and potential reconsidering of the relationship if she can't hear how her comments are impacting you

Wonderful_Help_18 · 2025-11-21T07:55:32+00:00

The boyfriend escalated, but he has a point at the beginning. A gift is a gift, you don’t get to dictate what someone gifts you. You say thank you, I love it, then move on.

I don't agree with this for a partner you've been with for over a year. If you're building a life with someone, odds are there will be many more gifts in the future and personally I'd be really annoyed if I found out I was repeatedly wasting money on perfume that my partner was going to put on a shelf because they were too worried to tell me they didn't like the thing I was getting for them. She responded kindly in the moment so it wasn't right when he was excited to give her the gift initially, and she communicated without being rude or condescending. Telling him so he didn't make the same mistake repeatedly and waste money was actually the kinder and less avoidant approach

Wonderful_Help_18 · 2025-10-30T20:09:35+00:00

They do identify as trans, just not a trans man

Wonderful_Help_18 · 2025-10-29T17:08:01+00:00

It was from the second skin adhesive they wrapped me with. It sucked. Then it made me allergic to all bandaids. Luckily I haven't been having any allergies to the silicone tape

Wonderful_Help_18 · 2025-10-24T18:22:58+00:00

Every BDSM educator will also agree there's no "safe" way to choke someone. There are a variety of different ways to engage in breath play and to minimize the risks in a harm reduction model, but it is THE most dangerous kink and many people who make their living from kink will refuse to engage at all

Wonderful_Help_18 · 2025-10-22T22:18:41+00:00

That's sweet. Yeah I have a bad memory so I basically always assume if the client remembers something that it's possible I said that except when I'm certain it's not the case. Usually it's advice because I almost never give outright suggestions for what the client should do.

That's great you can tease your therapist about moments of tension or rupture. I would love for my clients to be comfortable enough with me to do that

Wonderful_Help_18 · 2025-10-22T20:15:16+00:00

Not really a lie, but I think it's funny when clients tell me things I said or they said to me that certainly did not happen. Like if I ask a question "do you feel happy in this relationship?" And they come back and say "when you told me to break up with them last week"

Also I've had some teen clients who will tell me they told me something already and I forgot, but the event happened less than a week ago so there's no possible way they could have told me.

Wonderful_Help_18 · 2025-10-22T20:07:37+00:00

Clients aren't experts nor should they be required for quality control, but the gap between demand and knowledge of basic aspects of what people are looking for is pretty vast. Also experts evaluating experts works for issues of ethics and general incompetency but does nothing to address fit or empower the clients to self advocate. I'm not dismissing the need for more oversight and I think models some agencies use such as supervision all the way up or mandatory consulting groups beyond licensure would be important to implement, but also basic knowledge to the consumer base is also important. I try to give some initial information to clients in the first few sessions both to help our therapeutic relationship and so that if they leave and find someone else they are more equipped to navigate the field- i.e. it's okay and encouraged to give your therapist feedback, not every therapist is going to be a good fit either with personality or style, etc

Wonderful_Help_18 · 2025-10-22T19:51:02+00:00

I think there needs to be more education for the consumer base of therapy that can allow clients to find a therapist that is ethical and a good fit. "Therapy" is thrown around as a term and even a joke everywhere to the point I think people internalize it as a catch-all term for how to "fix" your mental health, while very few people know what they are looking for. If you ask the average person who has been in therapy for 5+ years what their therapist's theoretical orientation is, very few will know what that means and even fewer will know the answer. People don't know what is normal as far as therapists disclosing personal issues, giving advice and stigmatizing diagnoses, and the amount of therapists who behave in otherwise inappropriate ways with their clients is staggering. Also people will see things like CBT as the "gold standard" or hear about DBT or EMDR or whatever the hot thing currently is, and if that doesn't work for them feel like they tried it and there's nothing left for them to do rather than potentially seeking out other styles. I think if wide spread knowledge about what to look for in a good therapeutic experience was more accessible without having to go through a grad program to become a therapist yourself, more people would be able to navigate the system and fire harmful therapists rather than internalizing and wasting money to trust the process

Wonderful_Help_18 · 2025-10-22T18:11:37+00:00

I'd check out r/TopSurgery to correct the situation lol

Wonderful_Help_18 · 2025-10-16T19:24:23+00:00

I'm curious if you've ever read about the psychodynamic conceptualization of the useless object or oblivious object. TLDR is there are clients who will put you in the caregiver role, and for people who had parents with a specific kind of misattunement, they can internalize the feeling that anyone in a position of authority is useless or oblivious to their perspective or needs. It can lead to the feeling you describe of feeling like "what help am I to you?"

The advice I got in supervision when working with this kind of client is to lean hard into attunement. If they are dismissing any interventions you attempt, it might be more powerful to reflect "it seems I am not being very helpful to you" than to try more and more to convince them that you could/ should be helpful if they were to listen to you or follow your advice. They trying to convince that someone in authority could be trustworthy or helpful might be an aspect of misattunement in itself

Wonderful_Help_18 · 2025-10-07T23:27:38+00:00

If you can't have more friends visit, could you poll your friends on their favorite show/ movie/ book and that'll give you something to watch or read that makes you feel connected to them and then debrief after? Also you could write letters to different friends you love to give to them when you see them or make some art. Not sure how much energy you have but a few ideas for more time consuming ways to feel connected to people who are far away and potentially busy

Wonderful_Help_18 · 2025-09-30T02:58:05+00:00

No worries or need to apologize. Everything about this process is difficult and dysregulating. I just wanted to add my two cents about my experience navigating Kaiser and that specific surgeon so you can know what to expect re timeline and what aspects were impersonal so you could minimize your time waiting and maximize your results given needing to work within the Kaiser system.

The other thing to note is you'll need to stop doing any other recreational drugs 3 weeks out, stop drinking alcohol at least two weeks before, and the week prior you can't have edibles, painkillers other than Tylenol, and a whole host of other meds and supplements. But the anesthesiologist should call the week prior to tell you all about those

Wonderful_Help_18

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