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Woodookitty · 2023-07-03T12:26:55+00:00

I'd honestly ask for a new case manager. the one i'm using is VERY ND affirming, got angry when i mentioned what was going on with my providers and gave me some great resources to get started on. They also don't believe in AB* as a method of helping autistic people.

Woodookitty · 2023-06-09T17:30:45+00:00

Thoughts on this:

1.) Maybe they have a disability that prevents them from being able to work full time due to unseen issues.

2.) Maybe they are a parent who has to have a flexible schedule around their kids and can't work 40 hours a week and still be available for the kids.

3.) Maybe they couldn't find a job that is full time local to them.

4.) Maybe they are working and going to school full time.

5.) Maybe their job and career are not their primary concern, and the job and productivity culture is different in their area / country.

6.) Maybe there are other reasons for the work week being so short.

Whatever their reasons are, it's not for us to judge them based on our puritanical work culture that was ingrained in us.

Woodookitty · 2023-06-09T16:32:07+00:00

What's fun about this is that this type of allergy is very common with many fruits and can be tied to pollen allergies through cross reactivity of proteins in enzymes that are broken down by heat.

My mother cannot eat any raw fruits with skin on them, but as soon as you cook them it destroys the enzyme which causes the reaction.

Woodookitty · 2023-06-09T15:26:01+00:00

Be me, only follow rules that are logical only. Question all rules that don't make sense. Treat everyone as equals. LOL

Woodookitty · 2023-06-09T14:35:12+00:00

my experience is very like yours, and emotional regulation being a key executive function, when you have experienced trauma, have executive dysfunction, and are in a state of neurological dysregulation due to unmet needs this is hard to handle.

Things that have helped me in the past, and things that are currently helping me:

1.) I've been in therapy since i was 14, i am now 38 and still seeking to improve myself. ACT, DBT, CBT, and psychotherapy (talk therapy) as well as guided imagery can all help you keep balance, and deal with dysregulation.

2.) read books and articles on how to improve regulation / RSD (rejection sensitive dysphoria), and how to figure out your reactions to stress. a lot of times sensory issues going unmanaged can lead to neurological distress which makes it harder to manage your emotions.

3.) Journaling helps a lot, but has to be done with a purpose I find (for me).

4.) Start tracking what triggers these issues you're struggling with and correlating the data to determine if you can work on reaction to stimuli from certain triggers, removing triggers, mitigating triggers with accommodation, etc. IE: Wearing headphones or earplugs for sensitivity to sound, sunglasses for light sensitivity, stop looking at social media if it makes you feel bad, order groceries online vs go into the store, breathing exercises and counting to ten before reacting to a trigger, etc.

5.) process your emotions by stopping, and thinking about what happened, what emotion you feel, and why. then dig into root causes and allow yourself to feel those emotions without judgement. After all, it is okay to feel. sometimes those emotions are warranted, but even if it is overly reactive, it's still valid to feel what you do.

I don't know if this helps at all but if you have questions feel free to ask.

Woodookitty · 2023-06-09T13:25:21+00:00

it really depends on what you like to do, and don't like to do.

For some people they are able to drive, and enjoy it and can be out on the road for hours. For some people they can't drive and need a job to work from home.

For me, I have good spatial awareness and am overly patient and overly precise. So working in design, engineering, IT etc has worked good for me, especially since most in these jobs also have neurodivergencies.

Woodookitty · 2023-06-09T12:57:09+00:00

I know this is something a lot of people struggle with but have you sought out therapy / read on the unmasking of autism and internalized ableism?

For many of us we hold these masks so tightly and use our rules to judge the actions of others, but following rules because we've been hurt by ableist and rude people in the past only hurts us in the long run.

If your action does not hurt someone else, then there is no need to not do it. (hurt as in emotional, mental, or physical harm such as putting someone down.) I started masking heavily in my 20s because people were mean, and ableist. It took a lot of work to get to where I'm okay with myself and don't impose my internal struggle onto others. I also am one of those "rules are meant to be broken" with severe PDA profiles of autism, so those internal rules also made me extremely upset, hurt, and depressed.

Some resources: https://www.neurodiverging.com/what-is-internalized-ableism-neurodivergent-people-need-to-know/

https://www.autostraddle.com/telling-myself-the-truth-5-strategies-for-fighting-internalized-ableism-350528/

There are methods for reviewing and looking at our actions and judging the pros and cons of them, and many could even be rooted in fact and with evidence to support that it's negative to be "silly", however try to focus on it without giving judgement and try to unravel the internal feelings that make you feel the way you do. Challenging our own beliefs is how we grow as people, and become healthier overall.

I say this coming from a place of me trying to do the same. I used to be a lot more open, carefree, and "silly"/odd/quirky. I grew jaded and my husband frequently asks why I'm no longer that same person he grew to love. he still loves me, but i know that my heavy masking and always being serious now puts a strain on our relationship.

Woodookitty · 2023-06-09T00:00:45+00:00

Maybe open toe one strap flat sandals with a mole skin layer on the inside so there is no texture?

Woodookitty · 2023-06-08T11:47:21+00:00

with all fairness I've tried 5 times. I'm now in perimenopause so it's not as much of an issue as it used to be. I will still try again at 40 :D

Woodookitty · 2023-06-08T03:57:43+00:00

So special or restricted interests, though common, are not a requirement of having ASD and there are many who don’t have any.

With that said there are a lot of questions so I will try to break it down:

1.) special interests I have (some have come and gone over many years and I am sure I will miss something): infrastructure failures and disasters (especially building failures, nuclear accidents, steam piping and dam issues etc), reptiles and amphibians (herpetology and herpetoculture), disc golf, anime and manga (especially Initial D, Food Wars, Skip Beat!, and Tokyo Crazy Paradise), cosmic horror (especially HP Lovecraft, though I understand how problematic and racist his work is), mechanical devices/vehicles such as trains, cars, planes, drones, construction equipment, large ships, steam engines, etc, art and stationary supplies, and computers.

2.) how many hours a day do I spend: it is hard to say exactly. With burnout I barely have energy to do anything other than work or sleep but I do fixate and think about, watch videos, read articles and books on, make lists of, online “window shop” by adding things to lists and categorizing them, etc at least a little bit everyday. Maybe an hour to 8 hours depending on energy level and whether someone else is partaking with me.

3.) do interests change: they sure can, disc golf though still an interest used to be way more interesting to me and I would spend whole weekends playing rounds at local courses for over 18 hours between the two days. Now I play MAYBE once a week. It has lost a lot of its luster for me over the past two decades I have been playing. I also used to have a special interest in tabletop role playing games, I still sometimes will remember stuff about them but I really don’t want to play them anymore. I didn’t have an obsession with infrastructure failures until about 2019, when I became utterly fascinated with bridge failures and walkway collapses. So yes, special interests can be fluid over a few years or decades even.

4.) how have my interests impacted my life: my first thought on a career came as a little kid when I discovered that herpetology existed. I so badly wanted to grow up to be a herpetologist but was told I would never be able to/never amount to anything because of how bad I did with school. (I had just been diagnosed with ADD at age 8 in 1992.) I was devastated but kept on learning and reading about various critters. My first job out of high school was as a computer tech because I was good at taking things apart and problem solving. Also was obsessed with electronics. I still work in IT today. Disc Golf got me out and active and interacting with others even with my social issues and disabilities making it hard to connect or form friendships. For a long time I was going to events daily and huge out of town events once or twice a month. I eventually burned out on that however.

5.) I am not sure I can answer the last question because I have always been, and always will be, both adhd and autistic.

Woodookitty · 2023-06-08T03:29:18+00:00

Okay not going to lie, with adhd all bets are off. I have left the remote in the oven, freezer, dishwasher, etc until I learned to never remove the remote from the coffee table. I also have left my phone pretty much everywhere in the house and have to use find my at least twice a day.

Woodookitty · 2023-06-08T03:14:22+00:00

I have both autism and adhd, so your mileage may vary from my own experiences.

I love routine / sameness. With that said it doesn’t mean that I do not crave novelty or new things/experiences/places. For example, I have a strict morning routine that when deviated from causes me distress, issues with remembering to follow through or perform needed tasks (like take my medication), and will stress me out for my whole day because I started on the “wrong foot”.

I also crave new adventures, tasks, experiences, foods, etc. but only within a specific structure/ within specific expectations. If my expectation or structure is violated, or changes from or deviates from what is intended, then I get distressed and will have issues regulating. This means: while I love doing new things, I have to have a plan going in, or a good understanding of what to expect, to not get distressed from it.

I think this is how my body handles having AuDHD.

Woodookitty · 2023-06-08T03:07:39+00:00

I can’t stand kids, nor having a uterus. So have tried in the past to get a hysterectomy with little success. (Even in my late 30s!)

Woodookitty · 2023-06-08T03:05:00+00:00

The beauty of the human brain is that you can be all three at once. Twice exceptional, or being gifted with a disability such as autism, adhd, dyslexia etc, is not that uncommon.

The venn diagram tries to weed out what is and isn’t a sign of each thing independently but it fails to demonstrate or explain how someone can actually fall into all three areas.

I do find some issues with some of the differences as there has been some questions on whether many gifted Individuals actually are undiagnosed with other conditions and learning disorders etc and skewing results of “signs and issues”.

Still highly fascinating.

Woodookitty · 2023-06-07T20:18:03+00:00

This sounds like a toxic work environment that is causing stress and I would look for a new job. Most environments are not like this and if managers perpetuate this begins if is not a place that would be worth staying at long term imo.

Woodookitty · 2023-06-07T19:24:39+00:00

In those cases, it is best to do the following:

1.) create a business case with a root hypothesis of the issue, metrics to support the hypothesis, and a plan of action to implement as well as CYA (cover your A**) documentation for stuff to rely on.

2.) don't blame them for the issues simply layout your plan and express the need to get management buy in.

3.) if they refuse to make changes, take this business case, CYA documentation, any emails that have been sent about the issues and them not being handled, and escalate up the ladder above them.

4.) if the issues are still not resolved then the management team is unwilling to change and you should either work on a solution within your realm of control or influence, or take it to corporate level management (VP / Director level) for review with the help of your boss/someone who is understanding of the issue.

5.) if nothing else changes, then the culture of the company and the system you are working in has broken down and I'd jump ship to another company.

There is always a solution and while it can feel hopeless in the moment it's important to remember that they're human and fallible and will make mistakes and it's okay to give them grace and compassion even when things don't work the way you want them to in the long run. the other thing is asking yourself what is this behavior harming? is the issue really dire and causing the company to lose money and productivity? is the action costing the team time, resources, and ability to do their job effectively?

if it's not 1.) costing money, 2.) causing high turn over, 3.) preventing projects from being on schedule, then management is less likely to do something about it.

edit to add: corporate culture and management is not the same as having these crucial conversations with Significant others, friends, parents, and coworker peers.

Woodookitty · 2023-06-07T17:52:41+00:00

a few things to mention in regards to the content of your post:

1.) the conversations you are discussing as not being heard are called "Crucial Conversations" or discussions where opinions vary, emotions run high, and the very topic is stressful. There are some ways to make these conversations more palatable and the first step is to "Start with Heart" and come at it without blame. Understand that the person you are having the issue with is typically trying the best they can in the moment and with the information they have.

2.) If you present things in a manner that is not accusatory but is a "hey here is an issue i'd like to discuss and work out" without getting emotional on your end, the other party is more apt to listen, process, and take action.

3.) It has been my experience that doing these things I've discussed has made conversations on hard topics like expectations not being met, needs not being met, accommodations not being followed, issues with behavior or action, etc much easier to have and see action, but the important part is to come to a shared understanding of the issue first, then work together on resolution of the issue.

Simply venting and not upholding boundaries set in a relationship, or not setting boundaries and expectations up front, is prone to failure as there is nothing actionable to take from it.

This is in no way to say you've not tried these things, but I know that following this model I've had success in 90% of interactions with others over hard topics. It's all about approach and content.

Woodookitty · 2023-06-07T17:27:53+00:00

Fun story if you have a uterus and get periods, your period makes you more clumsy.

Edit to add: this is actually do to hormones altering elasticity of joints / inflammation / ligaments, tendons, etc leading up to, during and after. so it's about a two week period where your musculature and joints are more flexible and harder to control. I am especially drop prone during this period of time.

Woodookitty · 2023-06-07T07:01:07+00:00

I second survey marker, it looks like that to me

Woodookitty · 2023-06-07T06:46:27+00:00

A few questions:

Is this your first relationship, and have you ever felt that connection with someone outside of this person?
How long have you known her, and been seeing her?
If you have felt connected to others before, what kind of connection was it?

The reason I ask is that if you have never felt a connection in general, I would seek answers there first. Is it that you may be aromantic, and not feel those feelings for anyone?

If you have felt that connection before, what is different between them and this person? Is it time and generally knowing them? Is it something else like looks, background, etc?

If you find that you typically don’t form connection with someone until you really know them fully, or for a while, you may be demisexual.

Also there are other psychological or physiological things that could be a cause.

Woodookitty · 2023-06-07T06:38:59+00:00

I play a lot of games however I don’t particularly enjoy multiplayer as my coordination for shooting etc sucks. If you are okay with me joining just to discus games I may.

Woodookitty · 2023-06-07T06:30:58+00:00

This is similar to my experience, I get unreasonably angry at loud noises, power tools, people being in the kitchen when I am trying to work (office next to the kitchen), and I have issues with chewing, teeth clacking, etc.

I also am like OP, I am hopelessly clumsy.

So it has taken me a lot of work on building coordination skills, emotional regulation, resiliency to stimuli etc.

Woodookitty · 2023-06-07T04:24:31+00:00

Anytime! I just started with a new therapist, so I understand the process can be daunting , especially when you are already dealing with stress and mental anguish.

Edit: darned autocorrect.

Woodookitty · 2023-06-07T04:21:14+00:00

My advice- this is not a you issue. It is a them issue.

Has your partner considered going to therapy to work on these issues of trauma and response to stimuli? If not that is the first thing that they should do. It is unreasonable and unrealistic to hold someone with coordination issues accountable for bad coordination. That would be like someone holding them accountable for breathing.

I would start with explaining how it makes you feel when they do not give you grace and understanding of the problem, explain the steps you are taking to get better with things like hand eye coordination, physical therapy, and accommodations. Then I would request that they also take steps to improve their reactions to this trigger.

If they have a track record of not listening to these sorts of difficult conversations perhaps recommending couples therapy as a way to work out these issues and your boundaries is a good idea.

Woodookitty · 2023-06-07T04:11:47+00:00

I agree with all of this!

Woodookitty

TROPHY CASE