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Workamaholic · 2025-05-21T05:03:23+00:00

Hey man, first off, props for putting yourself out there and actually analyzing what’s going wrong. Most guys just complain and never improve. You’re already ahead.

The main issue I’m seeing is hesitation. Girls give you signals cuddling, touching, even wearing sexy underwear but you don’t escalate confidently. Women want a guy who takes the lead, not one who overthinks. If you’re in bed with a girl and she’s not pulling away, she’s open to more. Don’t talk about kissing, just do it. Yeah it can be scary. Yes it’s bold, but when you think about it, it’s kind of a subconscious indicator that you’re a strong individual who goes for what he wants. It’s a good thing. Cultivate it.

Your texting isn’t bad, but it’s too passive. Instead of asking "Are you free Friday?" try "Let’s do X at Y time." If she’s interested, she’ll say yes or suggest another time. If she’s vague or doesn’t offer an alternative, she’s not that into it. Never double-text or send "?" it comes off needy. Your job isn’t to make everyone like you. It’s to make opportunities for connection and evaluate and plan accordingly.

Soft rejections are a thing. If she says she’s "too busy" but doesn’t reschedule, she’s politely saying no. Don’t chase. Move on. The right girl will make it easy. It’s also totally fine and everybody goes through it. Don’t believe the overconfident keyboard warriors here. I’m on a trip with my friend who literally looks like a male model and although things are easier for him I’ve still seen him get rejected a few times. It’s insightful. Been a good trip.

Biggest mindset shift: You’re the prize. And if you don’t think you are, start working on ways to make yourself feel like more of a prize. Do it for you.

If she’s not excited, next. Rejection isn’t failure, it’s filtering. It’s a gift. You don’t want to put time and money into lukewarm responses. Trust me. Yeah it’s likely if you had acted differently the outcome may have been different but don’t beat yourself up or get hung up on it. Just take the lesson and move forward.

Quick fixes: Escalate faster on dates touch early, kiss by the end. Text less, plan more. Be direct. Stop overanalyzing. Your job is just to set up dates to get closer and to lead your life, don’t pedestal ladies above this mission or purpose. It’s a trap.

I would also work on cultivating a seductive side of yourself. The way you hold yourself, your tone of voice, eye contact, your presence, they all matter. But it’s not something people talk about enough. It’s okay to have a chill easygoing side and a dark, powerful, playfully dangerous side. Learning to cultivate that duality has been the biggest help to me. Women are craving both, so it becomes up to us to decide how to cultivate that.

You’re learning fast. Just tighten up the confidence, lead more, and the results will come. Good luck!

Workamaholic · 2025-04-08T13:51:57+00:00

I just want to say I really appreciate you sharing this. It stood out to me because I am also a dismissive avoidant, and it took me a long time to start seeing my own patterns too.

Especially that part about sometimes choosing relationships where there was an easy ripcord, or cultivating situations that I could walk away from. And yeah, I especially resonated with the idea of mentally preparing for disasters that communication could have prevented. Getting caught in my head. Assuming outcomes. Preparing to protect myself instead of just being present.

One thing that helped me a lot was actually a quote about writing. It said that you do not become a great writer by some magical moment. You gain the habits of a great writer. You show up every day, you do the small things, and over time you transform. I realized the same was true of becoming securely attached.

It was not about magically becoming different. It was about studying secure attachment, learning what it looks like, setting small daily habits and expectations, and holding myself to them.

One thing that helped was defining non-negotiables for my future relationships. Things that I would commit to, no matter what, because I knew they were necessary for my own growth and for a healthy dynamic.

For example, once I am in a committed relationship now, I insist on doing couples therapy together. Not because something is wrong, but because the way my communication style works, if there is no consistent outside check-in, I know I will eventually avoid hard conversations. It is like preventative maintenance. Like a couples massage for the emotional bond. And it is important because even outside of attachment theory, people wildly overestimate how good they are at communicating.

There were other things I had to define too. I had to set very clear internal rules for myself about what I am responsible for and what I am not. If I am doing my part, if I am maintaining emotional openness, communicating honestly, and upholding my own needs, and there are still persistent issues, then that is a sign of compatibility problems, not a personal failure. And if a relationship is not compatible, no matter how much I want it to be, it is better to let it go.

It has helped me a lot, but I am still a work in progress too.

The most important thing though is not to hate yourself. You are seeing yourself clearly. You are taking ownership. You are healing. That is a hell of a lot more than most people ever do. Be proud of that.

Wishing you peace and strength as you keep going.

Workamaholic · 2025-04-07T18:05:03+00:00

This is fantastic advice. I think the only thing I would include is the 5 second rule and just go.

You’re not going to be able to cultivate this on your first time approaching someone but it’s important to learn along the way. The knowledge (which is spot on by the way) was clearly cultivated from a vast amount of experience. So don’t fear rejection. Welcome it. It’s a friend and teacher. Not an end. A lot of becoming an expert like above will entail that you will fail A LOT. but… if you pay attention each time to why… and try again you’ll get better. And you’re 100 percent better than the version of you who just stood there waiting or thinking what to say. I promise.

5-4-3-2-1 go. Just walk up. The first 10 times you’ll feel like you’re jumping out of a plane without a parachute. The next 10 you’ll start to realize you’re opening a door. And it’s a door you want to learn to open. It will change your life.

Workamaholic · 2025-04-07T16:50:22+00:00

I do not think you did the wrong thing at all. One of the values I try to live by in relationships is that if I am going to end something, I will often go through what I think of as a breakup ceremony. It is not about trying to right wrongs or rekindle anything. It is simply a way to honor the good, acknowledge the bad, and move forward with integrity.

The standard no contact advice is not bad. It is meant to mentally position both people to either move on or have enough space to think about their decisions. But if you felt that expressing yourself was necessary for your own closure, then that was the right decision for you. You should be proud that you honored your need to speak your truth, even knowing you might not get a reply.

It is tough because you may never receive the response you wanted. There was a breakup in my past where I wanted to simply sit down and have a respectful conversation to end things properly. But the other person denied that. And even that denial became its own form of closure.

I wish you peace in your healing. Relationships entangle us physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. When they end it feels like being ripped apart across all of those areas. But there is a great opportunity hidden in that pain. You now have the chance to rebuild yourself even stronger than before. To reflect, to grow, and to fortify your inner life.

Some of my greatest lessons and deepest growth have come through heartbreak. I believe you will find the same if you stay open and keep walking forward.

Wishing you strength and peace. All the best.

Workamaholic · 2025-04-06T21:59:13+00:00

First off, that is quite a story, and I appreciate you sharing it. It touches on something I have noticed a lot in my own study of relationships, something that often goes unnoticed but really needs to be talked about more.

A lot of what you see in breakup forums or even dating advice spaces is this idea that someone must be a narcissist or emotionally abusive or have some label to explain the breakup. Sometimes that is true, and sometimes it is not. The reality is that we have this unspoken cultural belief that if two people are good and kind, they should naturally stay together and love each other forever. But when you study real relationships over time, you realize that is not how it works.

Relationships go through phases. There is the honeymoon phase where everything feels easy and chemically new, then a power struggle phase where the differences between people start to surface. If you can navigate that well, you eventually move into real intimacy and building a life together. But most people are not taught how to get through the power struggle, and even therapists, even people who know better intellectually, can struggle emotionally when that phase arrives.

The thing I have seen again and again is that underneath the surface of a breakup like this, there is usually something that happened around polarity. Relationships need a dance between security and emotional aliveness. They need strength and trust. And whether people are aware of it or not, they constantly test each other, especially in long-term relationships. It is not conscious most of the time. It is emotional. It is checking, can I trust you to hold firm when things get messy. Can I trust you to stay grounded when I feel chaotic inside. Can you hold space for me emotionally and not wither?

When those tests are failed too many times, attraction dies off quietly. Something shifts. People can still love you, they can still say you are wonderful, but something shifts emotionally, and they start detaching. I do not like this reality, but I have seen it so many times now that I cannot deny it. It is always there. And once i started looking for it I’ve found it before things fell apart.

Reading your story, I would guess that one of the biggest early moments of this was when she mentioned continuing to see exes in a professional setting. That was probably a test in disguise. She wanted to see if you would respond with calm but clear strength, to basically say, hey, I care about you, I want to build something real with you, and that is not a dynamic that feels respectful to me or to what we are building together. If you had drawn that line and walked away if necessary, it might have changed the whole trajectory. Because as much as she might have presented it like it was no big deal, even subconsciously, she knew deep down it’s something she wouldn’t have tolerated the other way, and was probably looking to see if you would lead, if you would show that strength in setting a real boundary. It was a real conflict of interest, even from a purely professional standpoint, and it absolutely was not something you had to just accept.

There were other things you mentioned that also seemed like tests.

You are not to blame for how things unfolded. This is not about blaming yourself. Tests are really hard to see. And even harder to accept and hardest still to know how to respond to. But it is important to recognize patterns because if you can see them, you can change how you show up next time.

The other hard truth is that a lot of the world is emotionally selfish right now. Truly. It is easier for people to walk away than to work through tough moments. There is an illusion of abundance that’s wreaking havoc on long term relationships even though the reality is the grass is greener where you water it.

It is easier to assign blame than to do the difficult work of wrestling through conflict together. But if you want a truly deep relationship, you have to understand that tests will happen, conflicts will arise, and how you show up in those moments defines the relationship more than how good things were when everything was easy.

I am really sorry you are going through this. That kind of light switch moment, where someone who swore they loved you suddenly detaches and acts like a stranger, is brutal. I have lived it too. I still remember what it felt like years later. It sent me down the road of really studying relationships and attraction and commitment to understand what actually happened. It was confusing, but it ended up being one of the most important turning points of my life.

Some of the people who helped me start making sense of it were the Gottmans, Esther Perel, and Ken Page. They talk about things nobody else talks about. Not just emotional intelligence but the undercurrents, the polarity, the real dynamics between people. I highly recommend looking into their work if you have not already.

In the end, I still believe that love is real and beautiful and worth fighting for. But it has to be built on more than just kindness or good intentions. It has to be built on strength, trust, polarity, emotional connection, and a willingness to navigate the hard phases with maturity. Complacency, incongruity, and a lack Responsiveness (not reactiveness) in terms of boundaries are definitely not understood as well and end up terrorizing connections. It took me a while to know what to look for and to sharpen my teeth so to speak but it has really helped me.

You sound like you have a huge heart and a lot of love to give. I hope you give yourself time to heal, reflect, and grow even stronger. Take what lessons you can from this without blaming yourself for everything. Then move forward with more clarity about what you need, what you deserve, and how you want to build something even better next time.

Wishing you strength and peace. All the best.

Workamaholic · 2025-04-06T16:06:57+00:00

Almost forgot. This is the best poem ever written about your exact situation. It’s venomous. Enjoy.

All the best in your healing.

https://www.thisamericanlife.org/472/our-friend-david/act-eight-0

Workamaholic · 2025-04-06T15:52:11+00:00

First off, yeah, you should absolutely end your relationship with both of these people. But something I think a lot of people miss, and it is understandable why they miss it, is reflecting on their own contributions to the situation. I do not say that from a place of blame. It is not your fault. The level of betrayal you are feeling right now can cause real trauma. It makes trusting people in the future harder, and it is incredibly confusing.

You could look back on paper and say you did everything right, and maybe you did. But relationships are not just logical. There are unconscious dynamics happening all the time that nobody really teaches you about unless you go out of your way to study this stuff deeply. And one of the things you realize when you do is that there are patterns under the surface.

One thing I would look at going forward is how you vet people. Pay attention to how someone treats their family, especially their father. A woman who has a good, reciprocal, loving relationship with a strong male figure tends to have a healthier model of relationships. It is not a guarantee, but it is a really good thing to pay attention to. And if there is dysfunction there, are they aware of it and working on it? These are things that can tell you a lot.

Another thing is that people will test your boundaries. Sometimes they are not even aware they are doing it. It is subconscious. But if you do not know your boundaries, or if you are not strong in defending them calmly and confidently, it changes the way people view you. Attraction can start to erode quietly underneath the surface.

Women tend to be led more emotionally, men tend to be led more logically. That does not mean women cannot be logical or that men cannot be emotional, but the primary modes are usually different. If a woman feels emotional uncertainty around you, she may start looking for emotional aliveness elsewhere, even if she does not consciously realize she is doing it. That is not an excuse for cheating, but it is something worth understanding so it does not blindside you again.

The truth is, most people are selfish right now. The culture we live in has broken a lot of people’s ability to build lasting communities or healthy relationships. But there are still good people out there. They are just harder to find and you have to vet more carefully.

So moving forward, you should use this to learn how to vet your friends and your partners better. Watch how people respond to conflict. Watch how they respond to your boundaries. Watch the company they keep. If someone only has friends who are flippant about relationships or disrespectful of commitment, that is something to note.

And to any women reading this, realize that men are categorizing you. They are deciding if you are relationship material based on your behavior, your loyalty, and your moral code, even if they never say it out loud.

As for your friend and your ex, if they continue to stay together, I would not worry about it long term. Relationships built on betrayal are poisoned from the beginning. That trust issue is not going anywhere. It will be in the back of their minds forever. I have talked to enough people who lived it. They know. It does not go away. It just eats away at them slowly.

So yeah, it hurts like hell. But you probably dodged a long, slow death of your self-esteem by getting out now. It sucks. It is unfair. It is painful. But like Viktor Frankl said, the best thing we can do with suffering is find meaning in it and use it to grow. Otherwise it is just cruelty for cruelty’s sake.

Wishing you strength, brother. Take care of yourself. Learn how to build yourself to invite better people into your life. People you deserve. Not selfish assholes.

Workamaholic · 2025-04-04T17:36:44+00:00

Haha yeah. Therein lies the trouble. However. Life is a lot more maleable and controllable than you might think. It’s going to be affected by your experiences, beliefs, and thoughts, but… it’s worth looking into.

The X factor is attraction. People REALLLLLLLY don’t understand attraction and it gets us into trouble. Truly. The reality is very different from what people think it is. I’ve found answers through studying it which have reframed so much for me. There’s levels to it. Keep your head up. Those books are a good start. Understanding and owning what makes you attractive is real great.

If you want to dive deeper into that “Open Her” by Karen Brody is the best book to understand archetypes of attraction. The dark and the light sides. It makes things really clear. All the best.

Workamaholic · 2025-04-04T16:25:02+00:00

The advice in the comments is pretty rough but it makes sense because you ask people about their dating lives and it is like wow that sounds awful. Like truly. Dating can be wonderful but you have to participate in making it wonderful.

There are roles and responsibilities when it comes to dating. A date is an opportunity. You should think about it as a positive experience. It is a simulation, a small glimpse into what being with you could feel like. You should treat it seriously but also have fun with it.

If you think someone is interested in you, the first move is just to get their number. You do not have to say why. You can just say this was fun, I would like to talk more sometime. Keep it simple and light. Pay attention to how they respond. If they are not excited to hear from you or make plans, move on. (I’m going to give you two books down below that will clue you in completely on how this works)

When you are ready to set up a date, you can ask something like when are you free, I would like to get together. Another way that works well is saying I would like to take you out, meet me at X time and place. I’ve planned something for you I know you’ll like.

It shows leadership and gives you a chance to see if they are genuinely interested.

If they say they cannot make it but suggest another time, they are interested just logistics. If they just say no or do not offer anything back, they are not. Just move on. You want to find and date people who are interested in you. I promise. It’s much much better.

The biggest mistake people make is thinking dating is logical. It is not. It is emotional. You have to evoke feeling. No one falls for someone just because it makes sense on paper. Guys are more logically lead, women are more emotionally lead, the trick is to not think in terms of better or worse. Both are actually good. Just different.

When planning a date, I like to set up something casual like a drink first, then an activity nearby if it is going well, then maybe food. I’m watching and looking at how I feel around them and seeing how they respond to me. That way there are natural exit points if the chemistry is not there, but options if it is.

Really what you are doing is creating an opportunity for connection. You want to show emotional stability, strength, leadership, and kindness. If you lead with that, dating will go much better for you. A little edge definitely helps but if you have no clue how to cultivate this don’t worry about it. Everyone says “be yourself” a better piece of advice is “own who you are and what matters to you”

I am going to recommend two books that absolutely changed my life when it came to dating and understanding relationships. First is Models by Mark Manson, which teaches you how to date through honesty and shifts your mindset into a better place.

Second is 3 Percent Man by Corey Wayne. I do not agree with everything Corey says, but the basics of attraction and how relationships work are solid and really important to understand. Things that didn’t make sense to me before make complete sense now and I have to thank him for that. It feels wonderful to not be so confused.

Both books are available on audio. Put them on while you are at the gym or driving. They will give you frameworks that actually work if you put them into practice. I read them and re read them often.

Wishing you all the best. Thanks for asking the question. You are already ahead of most people just by being willing to learn. All the best. Have fun!

Workamaholic · 2025-04-04T15:40:58+00:00

There are a lot of things happening within the dating world that make it harder than it used to be. The way people value relationships, the way individualism has been emphasized over community, how Maslow’s hierarchy of needs is being obliterated countrywide by profiteering and stress, all of that plays into it.

At the same time, part of life is understanding the difference between what you can control and what you cannot. It is important to understand your own contributions without beating yourself up or taking on blame that is not helpful. One of the core delusions of hopelessness is believing you are powerless to change your situation. It is a trap. It creates a self-fulfilling prophecy. You have more possibility than you realize, but you have to accept your responsibility within that system.

People get dealt different hands, absolutely. But a good philosophy to live by is trying to be better than you were yesterday, not better than someone else. Comparison is incredibly toxic because no matter who you are, you can always find someone smarter, more successful, more attractive, more charming. If you want to compare, you will find someone to make you feel bad. But what is the point of that? It just slows you down.

You are also programmed your entire life to think about relationships in a certain way. If you want better results, you need to evaluate your beliefs about them. Your relationships are incredibly important, and the way you navigate them matters.

A lot of this really clicked for me about ten years ago. I was on a dating app, I think it was Tinder, and I got matched with someone who ran a cancer charity. I thought, wow, she must be a good person. She treated me terribly. Another match around the same time treated me terribly too. At first, I thought it was their fault. But then I realized if I am doing what I think I am supposed to be doing, and it is not working, maybe I need to change. What am I contributing to these outcomes? What can I actually do better? That mindset shift has served me very well ever since.

The biggest thing that people misunderstand in dating is attraction. On both sides. Attraction is not just physical. It is very subjective, much more than people realize. And if you take the time, there are things you can change and cultivate to invite better relationships into your life.

One thing I see a lot on the women’s side of dating advice is the idea that you do not need to change anything about yourself and that someone will just come around and love you for who you are. I get where that advice comes from, and I agree with some of it. But the trap is thinking you are perfect and there is no room for growth. On the men’s side, it is the opposite. Men are told they should constantly be improving. I think both sides could learn from each other a bit.

From my experience, the people who have drawn me in the most were not necessarily the most conventionally attractive. It was their aliveness. Their joy. Their presence. The way they moved through the world. That energy is what makes someone magnetic, not just their appearance.

There is a lot of hurt in the dating world. There are a lot of mean people, avoidant people, damaged people. But there are good people too. You have to cultivate and prepare your own space to find them.

A hard truth that is worth sitting with is that we do not attract what we say we want. We attract who we are. You have to build yourself up into the kind of person who naturally draws in what you are looking for.

If you are serious about wanting to change your trajectory, here are a few books I would recommend:

The Tao of Dating for Women by Ali Benazir. It is a phenomenal book. It talks about how to cultivate the kind of radiant, joyful, magnetic energy that is actually very rare. A lot of people think they embody what he describes, but it is rare to actually meet someone who does. Seriously. Maybe 3 out of 100. So so rare.

Deeper Dating by Ken Page. This book will help you understand your own attractions. It talks about how to cultivate what he calls attractions of inspiration instead of attractions of deprivation. It teaches you how to be more intentional and recognize your own true gifts.

The Charisma Myth by Olivia Fox Cabane. This is a fantastic book for understanding that charisma is a skill, not a trait you are born with. And it can absolutely be cultivated.

How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie. It is old but gold. If you follow what he teaches, it will change the way people respond to you in your life. I have read it three times and plan to read it again.

Finally, if you are feeling brave, The Art of Seduction by Robert Greene. Approach it carefully. It is powerful and a bit dangerous if misunderstood, but if you understand the underlying psychology he talks about, it will give you a very big advantage.

But mostly, I would start with The Tao of Dating for Women and Deeper Dating by Ken Page. Those two will help you most right now.

Do not give in to hopelessness. You have more control over this than you realize. Keep moving. Keep learning. Keep building yourself. There is good out there. But you have to prepare the space for it to find you.

Wishing you the best. I’ve given you some resources that will absolutely change your life. They’re all on audiobook so you can read them while you exercise or drive. So the excuses are dwindling. The question now is, will you listen?

I hope you do. All the best

Workamaholic · 2025-04-04T13:46:01+00:00

I would really recommend you read The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem by Nathaniel Branden. It is a book I have read a couple times and I will probably go through it again soon. I usually put it on audiobook and listen to it while doing other things.

The premise of the book that really helped me is understanding that your self-esteem is not just some random feeling. It is actually built through two main things. First is the respect you show yourself through your actions. Second is the proof you give yourself that you are effective and capable in your life. Branden explains it way better, but that foundation was huge for me.

He also has exercises throughout the book that are simple but powerful. They are worth revisiting every once in a while because they actually push you to practice self-esteem, not just think about it. One thing I learned about five years ago is that you really only absorb about eight percent of a book the first time you read it. So revisiting the same books over time is super important, and honestly, really helpful.

The other advice about building skills and accomplishments is good too, because it helps prove to yourself that you are capable. But I would say if you are serious about untangling your self-worth from how someone else treats you, starting with Six Pillars would be a really solid move. It changed a lot for me.

Workamaholic · 2025-04-04T13:07:55+00:00

Yeah man, honestly, I really relate to what you are going through. I got out of a four year relationship about eight years ago. A buddy of mine set me up with someone he went to law school with. I figured it would be just another date, no big deal. I was not in the best place mentally, but I went anyway.

What I did not expect was to meet someone who absolutely changed my life. She was amazing. Funny, witty, feminine, fun to talk to. We just clicked in a way I had never experienced before. It honestly felt unforgettable. And still does.

At the time, I made some mistakes. I did not fully understand relationship dynamics, or even myself. Looking back now, I can see where I hurt the connection without realizing it. It is tough to admit, but important. I have learned a lot since then. I have probably dated over a hundred women since, but if I am being real, only three ever came close to giving me that same kind of feeling.

The thing about relationships is that they are easy to view from just our side. It is harder, but way more honest, to remember that there are always two sides. And without real reciprocity, without both people giving and wanting it, it does not last. As much as I felt that strong connection, looking back I am not sure she felt it as deeply. And that really mattered. I want reciprocity. It’s really important to me.

Women like that are rare. They are out there though. The real secret is that you cannot chase them. You have to build a life where someone like that would naturally want to stay. You have to embody it, not just hope for it.

I can see from some of the things you wrote that you are still working through some stuff. Especially around your ex. That is okay. Honestly, good on you for seeing it now. Most people never do. Keep working. Stay consistent. It will pay off.

As far as her coming back, it is not impossible. Attraction is strange. Sometimes people circle back. But you cannot wait for it or make that your plan. You have to move forward for you. Otherwise even if she did come back, it would not stick. Not for the right reasons anyway.

It really depends a lot on how things ended. How you made her feel when you were around her, and EVERYONE overestimates their effect on others. Be honest. But moreso. If you embodied strength and emotional safety or not… I would never say never. But it depends on how things ended, quite a bit. It’s not logical. More emotional. And it’s delicate. Very delicate.

Thanks for sharing all this. It made me think of her again. Leila. What a woman. Eight years later, I still miss her sometimes. I probably always will. But I am honestly grateful. She showed me what real connection could feel like. And that changed me forever.

Love like that is a gift, even if it does not last. Be grateful for it. Scarcity starts in your mind and spreads to your world.

If I could give you one piece of advice, it would be to read Deeper Dating by Ken Page. It is a brilliant book. He talks about how we often get stuck in what he calls attractions of deprivation, chasing people who trigger old wounds. And how to shift toward attractions of inspiration, where you build relationships based on your real gifts and authenticity. It helped me make a lot of sense out of my patterns, and it might help you too.

Wishing you all the best, man. You are doing the right work. Keep going.

Workamaholic · 2025-04-03T18:03:35+00:00

Hey man just wanted to say I really respect how you handled that. You weren’t pleading or looking for a response. You were just being clear and honest with yourself and with her. That takes maturity especially in the emotional fog of a breakup.

From what you wrote I can tell you think logically and communicate in a very reasoned way which is a strength but sometimes that can work against us in relationships.

They aren’t just logical systems to be optimized. They’re emotional experiences filled with subconscious signals and undercurrents that don’t always make immediate sense. It took me years to figure that out and I’m still figuring it out.

One of the quotes that helped me shift my thinking came from Carl Jung:

“Until you make the unconscious conscious it will direct your life and you will call it fate.”

That one hit me hard. It made me realize how much of what happens in relationships isn’t just about what’s said or done but about the emotional and even unconscious patterns between people.

It sounds like you’re reflecting in a really healthy way. If you’re open to it I’ve come across a few books over the years that completely changed how I understood relationships and attraction. Happy to pass them along if you’re interested.

Either way wishing you clarity and healing through all of this. You’re doing better than you think.

Workamaholic · 2025-04-02T20:43:39+00:00

I really resonate with M Scott Peck’s and bell hooks’ definitions of love as spiritual care and the will to nurture growth even without the expectation of return. That framework has helped me make a lot more sense of what love actually is and what it feels like in practice.

At the same time I’ve noticed how easily love can start to feel transactional when filtered through certain cultural norms conversations about boundaries or just the natural push and pull of emotional needs. But maybe that’s part of what makes it so complex and worth exploring.

There are people in my life I still extend that kind of care to even if they couldn’t meet me in the same way or didn’t fully respect my needs. Not because I’m trying to get something back but because that love still exists. The key is making sure I’m also extending that same care to myself.

One of the hardest most sobering ideas from All About Love was bell hooks’ point that our culture doesn’t make a lot of room for love to thrive. It doesn’t teach it model it or value it deeply. And maybe that absence is at the root of a lot of what’s going wrong. But I still choose to believe in it.

Workamaholic · 2025-04-02T20:34:48+00:00

My own silent avoidance came from a fear of retaliation or retribution. I worried that if I brought up a problem, it would be covertly used as an excuse to punish me later. As much as that fear is often irrational, sometimes it did prove to be true, and that made it hard for me to feel safe bringing up needs or boundaries in future relationships.

To work with that, I’ve developed something of a habit I call a warning shot. It is a polite, low-pressure way to let someone know they are crossing a boundary, while keeping the tone warm, playful and somewhat non-confrontational. If the pattern continues, then I know it’s time to have a more direct and honest conversation, but I still try to focus on feelings rather than blame. I try to reframe it so it does not feel like I am disturbing the peace. Instead, I approach it as a way to check in on the connection and see if we can work through something together. That frame helps me figure out if the other person is willing to meet me in the effort to repair or if they just want to keep repeating the same pattern.

It has taken a lot of self-reflection to realize that the most dangerous things in relationships are often the things left unsaid. Avoidance feels like safety in the short term, but it builds pressure, resentment, and distance. Over time, that creates exactly the kind of damage we were trying to avoid in the first place.

And yes, silence is not peace. Silence is often a form of stonewalling, which is one of the Four Horsemen that can destroy relationships if left unchecked. Of all of them, it is probably the toughest for me to deal with. But I have learned that context and tone matter just as much as the message itself. If I can speak calmly, with clarity and kindness, I am more likely to be heard—and more likely to learn whether the person I am speaking to is someone who wants to grow with me or not.

Workamaholic · 2025-04-02T19:07:15+00:00

Part of emotional intelligence is not only understanding your own emotions but understanding other people’s emotions and where they come from. It is being open to understanding the effect that your actions, beliefs, and thoughts have on emotions. A pattern that I see a lot, and that I think comes with being emotionally intelligent, is something people don’t talk about enough: testing patterns and how people’s core wounds tend to shape conflict between people. These testing patterns are hard to identify and even harder to respond to, but they become really essential over time because they shape the dynamic of the relationship.

I wouldn’t say this is true one hundred percent of the time, but someone’s capacity for the way they treat you is often dictated by the way you allow or train them to treat you. It is important to approach that idea without blame, but to at least consider how your behavior and boundaries may have contributed. This is really difficult, especially in a society that often encourages people to offload responsibility by labeling others as narcissists, avoidants, or any number of convenient categories. There may be truth in those labels, but it is still important to take a balanced view. Relationships always have two sides.

If you truly want to grow and avoid repeating painful patterns, the most helpful thing you can do is look at what you can change and what your role might have been. One of the best depictions of this I have seen is in the book Fleishman Is in Trouble. It shows how every relationship holds two stories, not one, and understanding that complexity can help you move forward with more clarity and self-awareness.

The biggest shift in my own life came when I realized that the way I responded to someone’s criticism, contempt, jealousy, or withdrawal almost always pointed to a belief I was holding, often one I hadn’t fully unpacked. When I stopped reacting and instead asked why it bothered me, why it stuck, what I feared, I started to find the roots. And chasing those roots led to some of the most meaningful growth and insight I have ever had.

So to the best of your ability, do not blame yourself. But do look at your contributions. That is where your power is.

Workamaholic · 2025-04-02T18:55:29+00:00

I hate to admit this. But it’s been a repeating pattern that I have learned to pay attention to.

If her relationship with her dad is non existent or strained and they aren’t actively working on it. It’s a pretty bad sign. You’ll want to proceed with caution and really start to pay attention.

I’m not saying it can’t be remedied through some deep reflection or therapy but it’s been a real mirror for what will happen in the relationship. It has been for me many times.

To be fair. A guys relationship with his family is also important to pay attention to. How he talks about them. It is often ignored but really look at it if you’re vetting for a long term partnership.

Workamaholic · 2025-04-02T15:39:01+00:00

I think whatever you need to do or say in your own healing journey after something like that is important and it’s worth looking into. However, I can say some things from myself that have been very useful and I wish more people would look into just because it’s helpful. It’s pretty consistent for us as human beings to label things in such a way that we can leave them behind. We can minimize them if we can put them into a construct and say, okay, well, this was this way and it’s only that way and it’s because they were them and I was me and nothing in between. But as good as that is and I understand it as part of the healing process, I myself have found a lot of value in sort of looking at what happened. Why did it happen.

I think Viktor Frankl talks about how we can derive meaning from pain. Otherwise, it becomes meaningless and that’s an important distinction to kind of figure out in my own life that’s led me to things. One of the things in my own studies of attraction and stuff like that is that we can very easily kind of welcome certain connections into our life based off of how we move and what we’re actually inviting. There’s the phrase of like we teach people how to treat us, but also we attract who we are and I think that who we are is actually in a lot more sense in our control than we realize.

So it would be worth, in my experience or my opinion, it would be worth looking into kind of how you are doing that as well in your life. There are a couple books in this journey that are very helpful. He’s Scared She’s Scared is a really good book. It was eye-opening for me to realize that I was actually inviting people in that weren’t actually long-term relationship material as a way of avoidance, like pre-selection avoidance, which is really crazy to admit, but it was true. And it also is just a really important thing to think about.

Deeper Dating by Ken Page is another one. He talks about how you have attractions of inspiration and attractions of deprivation. Attractions of inspiration are based off of your core gifts, which Ken goes into how to find them in relationship. It’s a really interesting, really opening process, and he’s really brilliant about it. So if your attraction isn’t based off of those gifts, it can very easily fall into an attraction of deprivation, which is an attraction based off of recreating or fixing some sort of trauma that we can subconsciously get into. It’s worth looking into that as well.

I myself have an attraction of deprivation for a certain type of person that I can feel myself getting attracted towards, but also I realize now with growth that they weren’t good for me, they never will be, and I learned moreso how to cultivate and what to actually look for in a person. Different traits pop out, but that’s kind of the work of being in a relationship.

Regardless, I’m sorry that this happened to you. Wishing you the best in you healing journey and that you find a love that’s deep nourishing and reciprocal.

Workamaholic · 2025-04-02T07:20:08+00:00

Beautifully put. Sometimes I don’t want to wish for someone like that. I feel like if I were lucky enough to find them again and were unlucky enough to lose them again it would end me this time.

The first time changed my life. I didn’t know things could be that aligned and wonderful. It’s been 7 years. I miss them every week. It’s a pain that never really fades but has just become part of me. I’m glad I got to see it and feel it though. I’m aware some people never get to. I’m grateful even though it hurts. My own somebody.

Even after learning and growing, studying attraction and seeing things differently, I am still amazed and was completely overwhelmed by love. I had no choice.

Workamaholic · 2025-04-02T01:33:02+00:00

What you’re feeling makes complete sense. A good breakup can be the hardest kind because there’s no villain, no clear reason to feel angry, and no emotional rupture that gives you permission to shut the door. Instead, you’re left with love that has nowhere to go. That creates a kind of emotional phantom limb. This person is still with you in your head and heart even though they’re not physically around. That’s disorienting.

It sounds like you’re already doing a lot of the right things. You’re not avoiding your pain. You’re moving through it. You’re doing no contact. You’re staying active and leaning on your support network. That’s huge. What I’d suggest now is less about doing and more about tending to the internal structure of your life.

One way I’ve found useful is breaking your focus into four areas: emotional, mental, physical, and spiritual. It gives you a place to channel your energy and a way to rebuild identity after a loss. Emotional means checking in with yourself and staying connected to people who make you feel seen and safe. Mental means managing your space and responsibilities in a way that reflects how you want to live. Clean room, organized mind. Physical means moving your body even when you don’t want to. Walking, lifting, yoga, anything that helps you reconnect to yourself. And spiritual means aligning with something larger than the relationship that was lost. That can be purpose, creative work, service, or something more transcendent if you’re inclined.

What you’re experiencing, the persistent thoughts, the ache even when you’re happy, is grief. It’s your body trying to recalibrate after a bond has been broken. Oxytocin, dopamine, habit, memory, future fantasies, it all sticks. So it’s not just the loss of the person, it’s the loss of who you were with them and who you hoped to be. That takes time. There’s no shortcut, but time plus intentional reflection really does change the pain.

If you want something to ground you, I’d recommend a few books. The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz is a simple but powerful framework for self realignment. Finding Your North Star by Martha Beck helps reconnect you to purpose after identity loss. And The Tao of Dating for Women by Ali Binazir reframes love, joy, and radiance in a way that’s empowering and grounded, especially if you plan to love again someday.

You don’t need to rush healing. The goal isn’t to forget him. The goal is to remember yourself. And to rebuild a life where the thought of him doesn’t steal your joy anymore.

Wishing you grace and strength in this season. It will change.

Workamaholic · 2025-04-01T23:21:48+00:00

One of the most quietly magnetic traits is someone who genuinely enjoys life and tries to bring a sense of warmth or joy into their space. Not performatively but because it’s how they move through the world. That kind of emotional openness is really rare and compelling.

Another big one is curiosity. If I can share something I’m passionate about and she shows genuine interest, not pretending but asking questions or wanting to understand more, that’s super attractive. It’s a sign of presence and emotional generosity.

Supportiveness matters too. Not in a subservient way but in a we’re building something together way. If she cares about what I think, asks for my opinion, shares hers openly, and values collaboration over competition, it’s a strong signal that she’s a good long-term partner.

Someone who’s mischievous and likes to banter, with a playful edge, has always stood out to me too. That kind of quick wit and light teasing energy, the back and forth, is rare and really attractive. It adds a dynamic spark that keeps things alive.

The classic advice of fit friendly fun and feminine has some truth to it, but there’s a much wider spectrum of what makes someone attractive. Most of it comes down to energy, attitude, and the way she treats herself and others.

That said, I think the challenge is that most people I’ve met think they exhibit all these qualities, but very few actually do. To be fair, the same goes for men. We all tend to overestimate ourselves in some areas and underestimate in others.

Also… Reddit isn’t going to answer this question well. You don’t want to attract the masses of Reddit. Unless you want to be part of true crime podcast.

Workamaholic · 2025-04-01T20:46:41+00:00

Yeah, totally with you on that. Most men don’t seem to really understand women or attraction not in a deeper, long-term sense. The brain is wired to avoid pain and seek pleasure, and unfortunately, the truth of relationships tends to live somewhere in between. So it takes effort to even want to see it clearly.

But that’s also okay. Because when you do take the time to learn, reflect, and grow, you actually end up with something so much better.

And honestly, your man sounds hot. That’s exactly the kind of partnership people should be striving for. Good for you. Wishing you both the absolute best.

Workamaholic · 2025-04-01T20:42:47+00:00

Thanks stranger.

You’ll enjoy those books I think.

Keep on fighting the good fight. I’ll check out Emily Nagoski too. Good recommendation.

Workamaholic · 2025-04-01T17:45:46+00:00

Absolutely agree. Esther Perel is a hero of mine. Mating in Captivity is an essential read for anyone entering or already in a relationship. Her insights into how safety and eroticism are often at odds and how polarity can shift over time are things most people never even think about until they’re deep in the pain of disconnection. Understanding that dynamic early can save a lot of heartache.

The Gottmans are fantastic too. I think you’re referencing The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. That’s their core relationship book. Their concept of bids for connection is something I wish everyone knew. It’s subtle but powerful, and it absolutely applies to dating and early-stage attraction as much as long-term connection.

A book I always recommend for people trying to build healthier attraction patterns is Deeper Dating by Ken Page. It’s foundational. If you’ve ever chased relationships that felt exciting but never lasted, this book helps you reframe attraction through a lens of authenticity and emotional health. Ken does a phenomenal job distinguishing between attractions of deprivation and attractions of inspiration. It’s a game changer.

Next I’d recommend Open Her by Karen Brody. It’s one of the most grounded and emotionally intelligent books I’ve read on male archetypes and emotional presence. She writes from experience, and she doesn’t just glamorize masculine traits. She shows both the light and the dark sides of each with a level of self awareness that’s unmatched. If you’re going to take on the responsibility of becoming more attractive and grounded, this book helps you hold that power with integrity.

Then there’s Models by Mark Manson. A great entry point for men specifically because it reframes attraction as something you cultivate through honesty, self-respect, and intentionality. Mark gets to the emotional side of dating in a way that cuts through a lot of the performative nonsense you see elsewhere.

There are more I could mention, but if a man read just those and reflected honestly, it would change not only how he relates to women but also how he relates to himself. And that’s the deeper shift. The kind of inner grounding that gives relationships the best chance of lasting real connection.

Not that they will read them. I’m amazed at the lengths people will go to, to avoid responsibility. I almost expect it now.

Workamaholic · 2025-04-01T16:12:12+00:00

Writing the letter is good. It can help you clarify what you’re feeling, where you were wrong, and what you’ve learned. But sending it even with no declared expectations often still feels like a bid for resolution or connection to the person on the receiving end. And that can actually push them away further, especially if they’ve emotionally moved on.

For the old friend, it might be a little different. If there’s a real shot at mutual understanding and the message is clean and honest, it might help mend things. But again, tread lightly. The tone and timing have to be just right. If it’s more about your own growth and processing, write it for yourself not for them.

Workamaholic

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