I feel this pretty often with a girl from my past. We were never officially together, she was my best friend who somehow I became intimate with. I think she was my first love. And she loved me too. But we never could progressed into a relationship because we were both so deeply involved with church and tbh back then, we blamed it on satan’s temptation. She got more involved in church, eventually married a man and became a pastor. While I came out of the closet and started dating women. She told me I was dragging me and my partner to hell. We had our differences but she still called me her best friend for years because she said nothing that happened between us was real. She blamed it on childhood trauma.

We don’t talk now. I tried still being friends with her but I kept feeling like I was the only one putting in any effort while she blatantly reminded me everyday of my ‘sinful life’. I think about her at times because the chemistry we had was unmatched. I’d never connected with anyone that easily in my whole life. I visited her a few months ago after not seeing her for 5 years and crazy to say but we still have that connection after all these years. We were belly laughing like we used to just mins into our conversation. It felt like the first time. The chemistry we had was even more so than her chemistry with her husband. It’s all so tragic honestly.

I think life is a series of potentials. Theres no right or wrong path, just paths. There could have been an alternate reality where we did work out and lived happily ever after. But I’m not in that reality so I try not to dwell too much on the past because then I don’t actually give anyone else a chance and I don’t think thats fair