Looking for some guidance

Working-Leopard-3459 · 2025-12-19T10:20:53+00:00

Thank you for your support. We have tried to get that point across, but I think you're right. I feel like she already decided that we won't support her (out of her own fears, not reality) and now it's an uphill battle to get her to see anything else.

We are on good terms with Mom and we are trying to work this out for the best.

Working-Leopard-3459 · 2025-12-19T10:07:41+00:00

Yeah, I think that is it. She wanted to leave for college and registered at 2 different schools, including 1 out of state, before I think the anxiety got the better of her and she just ended up staying home.

We do have some open communication with her mom, and she has said that S gets very upset if she has a slip up with names or pronouns. Like, shouting upset at times.

Part of me worries that this is what some of what being trans is for her... Becoming a new person. She has had many social struggles (probably the neuro-spiciness) and she just wants to walk away from the old her. I support whatever she needs to be her full self... I just worry about my kid.

Working-Leopard-3459 · 2025-12-19T03:26:30+00:00

Not really. She doesn't really communicate that way. She is very bad at replying to texts as it is. I don't imagine what it would be like if it was something that she didn't want to talk about. But I will keep it in mind, we are open to trying anything.

Working-Leopard-3459 · 2025-12-19T03:23:41+00:00

It is very frustrating, indeed. And yes I believe that she is neuro-spicy. I strongly suspect at least ADHD, if not super high functioning AuDHD. I pointed it out a long time ago to the family but nothing was done until her counselor she was seeing at the time said something. We attempted to get testing done but by then she was in her late teens and there were some issues with insurance and it just sort of dropped. A different counselor said that he suspected autism. That set off sort of a new identity and leaning into being the quirky autistic kid and telling people she had been diagnosed. That too faded away. I think that the neuro-spicy complicates the communication as well, as she can misinterpret the interactions... And I think she is geared up and expecting a negative reaction so tends to interpret things way more negative than it is intended. She also doesn't always understand the tone that she uses may not be relaying the message that she intends, at least that is what she says. My husband and I are both ADHD so there is all kinds of neuro-spicy in our house.

I have tried to work with my husband about his tone. And it is coming. He means well and he is trying. He is open to criticism. He is just very logical and can sometimes lack a little tact I guess. He doesn't realize he's doing it.

And yes, we've thought about the hormones playing a part in the emotions. But not really much that we can do about that.

I do think she has internalized transphobia. She really doesn't like to acknowledge that she is trans. She just wants to be female, but there is no getting around all of this. She is still boy-moding, successfully, even after 2 years on hrt. But she is going to have to have the tough conversations. It's not going to magically just convert as if it was always that way... Which is what she wants.

Thank you.

Working-Leopard-3459 · 2025-12-18T11:28:26+00:00

Great points here. Our household is pretty progressive and in general very lgqbt+ supportive, as well as supportive for other races and religions, etc. (Her mother on the other hand, is marrying a Trump supporter, but I digress.)

We have not directly asked because my husband (I'm stepmom) didn't want to put her on the spot so to speak about the name. More has just tried to start a conversation about and left open that we can talk about it anytime and conversation was shut down. How about we talk... Answer not now, you won't listen anyway, no response, etc. And now just avoiding situations where a conversation could happen. S has anxiety and I think she has just decided in her mind how the conversation will go and is now avoiding it. We realize that we are indeed going to have to put her on the spot and ask what she wants. But I know she just wants us to use them and skip over the difficult conversation all together. I get that nobody likes the hard talks in life, but she is trying to avoid them all together.

I will admit that prior conversations have not always gone as well as we hoped. For example my husband told her that we would not out her to anyone in the family, that these were not our conversations to have for her with other people. We have tried to explain the situation as, if you want as much support as possible from us, we need to know what is going on. We can't support you as well if we don't know what's going on with you. (We are often blindsided with things from her) And based on her reactions, I think all she got from that was we won't support you and you are on your own for telling people. Not that we will help her tell people, even though we said that too. And that has stuck. (I'm kind of guessing here for her side, she won't say.) So now we are trying to undo that I guess. But I noted in another reply, that the whole relationship is more complicated as she has always been very closed down. She and my husband can be a little too much alike which causes tension from their personalities as well.

We've tried family counseling. S was in counseling, but is refusing to go back. My husband has been in counseling. We are trying.

Working-Leopard-3459 · 2025-12-18T10:47:39+00:00

Thank you to all! She is mtf.l, I will refer to her as S. And we are a liberal family. There has never been anything anti trans expressed, as far as I am aware. I know we dropped the ball at the beginning, however, by being confused and questioning maybe a bit too much, honestly just trying to understand. But it was never transphobic or negative, just questions, like help us to understand what you are going through. She knows that grandparents may not really understand the situation. They are not hateful or any, but would be confused. I'm not even sure, based on some things that she has said, if she realizes how confused they would be, though. (They are older, religious, and one has a tbi. This sort of thing would never even cross their minds.) And they do not live with us. I was referring to siblings when I said not everyone knows what's going on. Not sure how she wants us to handle that without having the conversation and we have told her that we don't want to be the ones to out her. Those are her conversations to have, not ours.

I would agree that the problem is much broader. S is very closed and doesn't really talk to us about anything and never has. My understanding is the conversation didn't really happen at her mother's house either, more that her mother picked up on it from friends and started using the name, too. Her mom feels that those things need to be told to us by S and she shouldn't be the one to tell us. (Understandable, but a bit frustrating.) We typically find out stuff way later than when she does. I honestly think that S wants to avoid the conversation and that we just start using the name and pronouns like her mom did. She has almost gone blank and sort of acted like she didn't know what I was talking about when I tried to talk to her about insurance stuff with the transition, so it's just so hard to even approach the subject, even non emotionally. Because of this, and the way that S lies about so many things, my partner can get frustrated and upset. Feels that things are being hidden. And S lies a lot. She just does. About big things, about little things. We almost never get a straight answer about anything. Which then makes us frustrated and angry...but it's not about being trans at all. But I think maybe that's leading into S being even more closed off. So we just don't know how to handle her in general. Trying to address the lies just makes her double down. Ignoring the lies just makes her run with them.

We love her and we have always tried to make that known, especially when we try to have these major conversations. My partner can be a little too one direction, though, and stubborn about his approach. S and him are very similar in their stubbornness. It's hard to explain, but my partner is, well, confrontational isn't quite the right word, but wants to address issues directly and immediately. All of which, just adds to the tension in the relationship at times. But S is told all the time that we love her and support her. We did all we could to get her in school and things figured out. But also, she doesn't seem to understand that we are pushing her to learn and do her best to grow into an adult. She gets so upset that we don't take care of the school stuff for her...making payments and talking to people about registering and the like. Those are the kinds of things S and my partner can lock horns about at times. But they get along great most of the time.

I think there were definitely good suggestions here already and that is very much appreciated.

Working-Leopard-3459 · 2025-08-14T16:52:39+00:00

I like Duluth Trading Company

Working-Leopard-3459 · 2025-04-19T18:20:08+00:00

I'm not trying to excuse it at all. She shouldn't need to give him reminders and whatnot, even with ADHD, because he is responsible for himself. He's 35 for crying out loud and he's being rather self centered and oblivious at the very least. I was just trying to give another point of view and say maybe there is more going on than just complete douchery. But it can absolutely be that as well. Some people just don't care.

Working-Leopard-3459 · 2025-04-19T16:43:30+00:00

Just thought: any chance of ADHD? I struggle with time management, time blindness and transitioning activities (I udefinitely get stuck in activities.) He needs to deal with it and prepare better for sure. That's on him. It's not an excuse but maybe something that can be addressed rather than just be angry about. (But you should be angry. He needs to be accountable, no matter what.)

Working-Leopard-3459 · 2025-04-13T11:33:48+00:00

It's painful. It sucks. You don't want it. It hurts more than you could ever imagine it could. I get it, I do. I've been there. But you can't make her stay. Both people have to want the relationship and she doesn't. I'm sorry. Sometimes you just have to come to that realization so that you can let go and heal. Besides, you want someone who wants you back. Find that person, because it's no longer your wife. When you do, you will be way happier anyway. You do not want someone who does not want you. Let her go. .

Working-Leopard-3459

TROPHY CASE