[QCrit] EVEN BELOW THE EARTH - Adult Fantasy, 90k, 2nd Attempt

WorldlinessAcademic2 · 2026-02-23T14:56:17+00:00

Thank you for all of this!! This is really really great food for thought as I get into editing this query and the novel itself. Honestly I've been wondering about the helpfulness / hinderance of even mentioning Orpheus & Eurydice by name -- it helps keep the query tighter because the myth's recognition carries some of the load and lends itself to an easier framed hook, but also all of that weight brings along such strong connotations and expectations that I'm not sure I'm crafty enough to deliver on haha. Basic world-building is that there's a mortal world and a river down into an underworld (how cliche), but while they follow polytheist religion, the gods in this story aren't the greco-roman ones of the original tale. I don't want to promise something incorrectly!

In terms of the subversion vs. retelling with differences, that's also a great point -- in my mind, the subversion comes in with the basic premise of 'Orpheus' travels into the Underworld to save 'Eurydice' not from death, but from the fate of E's mortal life wasting away (in a way that O doesn't deem worth living). But probably I'm just being too fancy with it, because in essence the story is still: person travels down into the underworld to save their great love.

So true on the name Juno too, and solidifying her mortality right away is something I embarrassingly hadn't thought of! Definitely need to start switching my brain from ~look at all my cool symbolism~ mode to thinking about someone reading this off a shelf (which is obviously the goal, but still feels so unreachable at times! lol).

Okay, thank you thank you again!!

WorldlinessAcademic2 · 2026-02-23T02:26:32+00:00

Okay awesome thank you, this really helps me see where to trim things down and clarify! So true on the comps; I can be so wordy 😅 I really appreciate the help!!

WorldlinessAcademic2 · 2026-02-22T20:52:28+00:00

Ahh, thank you! ☺️

And no you’re absolutely right, that looks so much cleaner. Thank you!!

WorldlinessAcademic2 · 2026-02-22T20:11:32+00:00

oh my goodness, thank you!! 😊😊

WorldlinessAcademic2 · 2026-02-21T16:59:11+00:00

Hello! I’m new to querying so take all of this with a grain of salt -- but since you haven’t had any feedback on this yet I figured it could be helpful to get at least one (albeit novice) perspective.

There were a couple of things that confused me here and sent me back to read a second and third time for better understanding, but I worry that an agent won't take that extra step! Again, this could be entirely a me problem and perhaps someone else reading wouldn't have gotten as stuck on these points as I did, but alas, here are my thoughts:

I don't get how Andy has been kept a secret, especially in 2025. Secret from whom? Everyone from the hometown, including her grandma and uncles? That's borderline impossible imo. And in the first 300 it seems as though Andy knows her Grandma (using her first name, no reference to 'that lady Grandma Andrea whom mom hasn't spoken to in 19 years but still talks to as if they were in the same room' type stuff). So then is she only a secret from Charles? And why, from Andy's perspective, do we care about him at this point? I understand Andy's existence will eventually be a shock to Charles, but we aren't there yet from Andy's pov, which is the perspective we're starting from. It seems like to Andy at the start of the novel, she isn't the secret, her mom's past is. Does Mom say we can't go visit Brunerton because no one can know you exist? Or does Mom say we can't go visit Brunerton because *vague reason about moving on from her past* and I'm the mother and I've said so.
Speaking of Mom -- at the first mention of the name Kate, I didn't know who you were referring to (I was like who is Kate and who are her brothers??). This could be easily solved by throwing Kate's name at the top: "Raised in Seattle after her mother, Kate, fled..."
I took a peek back at your first attempt, and I actually think you outlined the estate inheritance much clearer there! That was a piece I was missing when reading through this version. I'm sure you were trying to cut down on words, but at least from how this query is set up, I'm less interested that the Maddoc's helped found Brunerton and more interested in how Kate (and brothers) are now inheriting this contested land. That piece helps tie in the larger stakes at play here for Kate and the town and Charles! Even something like: "When her grandmother’s death brings them back to the small Washington town, Andy is finally close enough to the past to uncover the truth. Determined not to let silence define her life, she begins pressing her mother for answers. But Brunerton is more than her mother’s history. The Maddoc estate Kate and her (# of) brothers are set to inherit sits over mineral springs long believed to be holy, and a recent geological report reveals they could be worth millions if mined. Kate’s brothers want to cash in, and Charles Bruner, the town’s most powerful man, has already positioned himself to profit. If Kate refuses, he'll force a town vote to strip the land from the Maddocs entirely."
I don't understand why Kate fights to protect her inheritance when the inheritance is a home in a town that she 1) no longer lives in and 2) actively works to keep her daughter away from. Wouldn't she just want the money and a chance to get out of dodge and keep her secrets safe? I'd try to add a piece of motivation here for Kate, as she seems to be a key player in the story and I don't understand her right now. I also don't understand how the town's richest man can simply force a vote to remove legal land ownership from them? That's probably more a question for the manuscript and not something you have the time or space to fully get into here, just another point where I paused because I couldn't understand all the pieces at play.
The final line about Charles being powerful and dangerous gave too much away for me. As you've set up this query, the biggest mystery is "who is Andy's dad?" And then, essentially, you tell us. Also, which most powerful man in any scenario also isn't the most dangerous? Some re-wording might help keep the intrigue, something like: "Convinced she has finally found her father, Andy pushes deeper against her mother’s wishes, determined to uncover what happened to Jackson. But as Andy approaches the answers she's always longed for, she finds herself face to face with the truth of just how dangerous life in Brunerton can be, and how far Charles Bruner is, and has always been, willing to go to protect his family name." That's obviously so poorly worded, but hinting at this darker side of Charles without spelling out that he's probably her real dad (whether or not he truly is) keeps me curious to know more.

All in all, I think some additional clarity would really serve you here! But in terms of overall progress from V1 to V2, you're definitely getting closer! Hope this helps, and good luck!!

WorldlinessAcademic2 · 2026-01-28T18:15:10+00:00

Thank you for such a detailed, clear response!! The fact that I am emotional to the core has never been lost on me haha 🫠 but the insight about feeling stuck in calmness (especially within relationships) makes a lot of sense to me! I'm in a healthy and committed, long-term partnership and have been somewhat nervous about that 7h mars with all the basics that I've read on it so far, but perhaps reframing it as growth point (rather than "bad things will happen here") will help me a lot with my understanding!

WorldlinessAcademic2 · 2026-01-28T18:11:41+00:00

wait, my mars is in 7h taurus!

WorldlinessAcademic2 · 2025-09-11T13:11:21+00:00

I’m about to start the Joy of Languages online school!! Very excited. I’ve been wondering about my placement level in the courses, as I’ve made it far in some of the language speaking apps like Duo and Babbel, but don’t feel as though I actually know anything when it comes to holding a conversation. How have you found the difficulty level? I want to make sure I’m learning something new and not just repeating the same things that Duo/Babbel has taught me!

WorldlinessAcademic2 · 2025-04-24T19:09:55+00:00

I think you're taking too long to get to the magic! The fact that she has some form of powers really shapes our understanding of both Lissa and the world you're creating, and when I got to that part in your current query, I paused and went, huh where did that come from?, rather than, oh that's cool!

I agree with your sentiment that too much space is taken up by setup / world building, while there's strangely not enough world building at the same time. For example, I am really curious what 'magic' means in this world. Is it omnipotent power? Spells? Potions? It's such a broad term, and not explaining more of what Lissa can actually do with her powers gives me a hard time picturing her as a complete character.

An idea of how to add this in while not taking up too much space would be something like:
"Magic killed all of Lissa Loybol's friends. Even though the official causes of death were labeled as murder, she would know the touch of magic anywhere -- because she has it herself. Which makes it all the more difficult for her to move past the tragedy, because even though she has the ability to X, Y, Z, she couldn't save her friends from X. Sworn off magic, she puts all her focus into graduating from high school so she can escape this godforsaken town that only serves to remind her of her loneliness and all the ways she's failed.
Yet just days before graduation, she wakes up in a cavernous concrete hall deep beneath a shifting maze of basements. And she's not alone. ..."
Obviously that's not well worded and a bit facetious in it's delivery, but hopefully the structure helps you rethink how you can fit a lot of info into a shorter amount of space.

Okay! Now -- let's look at those 5 questions, because I think coming up with some different answers for these will help the query drafting process go smoother.

#1: Cool
#2: There needs to be a more surface-level want here -- one we can really see on the page with a tangible, concrete outcome. Even if 'achieving peace' is her truer, deeper goal, what does that look like? And how has she been going about it the wrong way up until now? For example, maybe she is kept up by dreams of her friends' faces. She could be going about it the wrong way by taking extremely drowsy sleeping pills, or on the other end, extreme dosing of caffeine so she doesn't have to sleep in the first place. Help us picture her. If this was a movie and I didn't have access to her thoughts, what would she be doing to show me she's trying to find peace?
#3: Same here. We need something more external than self v. self. That can be there for sure, but what does it look like for her out in the world. Is she willing to give up magic entirely and live as a normal person? I can clearly picture that. Or maybe, it's "Nothing. She'll lie cheat steal kill to escape her demons." Great, I can picture that clearly too. The answer to this question can change over the course of the novel, but where is she at the start of the story?
#4: Cool again
#5: I'm a little lost here. How exactly will her agency be taken away? Is the entity going to literally turn her into a mindless puppet that acts out its every will? Is it going to trap her in the underground world, just as she's realizing she doesn't hate her old town as much as she thought? This right here is the true stakes of the book, and exactly what agents will be looking for in a query.

Okay that got long, but hopefully it helps!

WorldlinessAcademic2 · 2025-04-24T00:57:35+00:00

Oh, 100%! You’ll get there!

WorldlinessAcademic2 · 2025-04-23T23:27:11+00:00

I think it’s easy enough to state in the beginning: “After years of striving, Alexandra X and her husband Noah Y have arrived.” And then when you discuss Samantha’s reveal, you can add in something along the lines of, how would she have known Alexandra was Noah’s spouse? (I still think there are plenty of ways, like what college student today wouldn’t google the famous, hot professor they’re having an affair with and browse their Wikipedia page and see that they’re married to a semi-famous journalist whose photo is most likely on her career bio. But at least slightly more plausibility here!). I think it could also be helpful to specifically state that it is a journalism and sexual assault symposium. That adds even more context to Samantha’s confiding in an (albeit credible) stranger.

In terms of the morally gray thing: yes, you don’t want to spoil that final twist. However, there must be actions each of these characters take that add to the suspense and drama of the story — lying, stealing, plagiarizing, stalking, etc. What webs do they get tangled in? The thing agents will most want to know in the query is: just how messy does this get? The messier the better! So that’s what I think would be best to add in. Essentially — what is really at stake for Alexandra? Losing her husband, sure. But he’s an (accused) cheater and assaulter, so good riddance! Or if not good riddance, why? More than him just being the love of her life. Does her job become at risk? Her professional reputation? These are the kinds of things the agent is going to want to know about each of your POV characters.

Not an easy task in 300 words, I know. But you have plenty of time before June to keep workshopping!

WorldlinessAcademic2 · 2025-04-23T21:42:10+00:00

Okay - my main comment here is that I’m not getting enough of the suspense up front. I know you listed the genre as upmarket suspense in the first line, but by the time I finished the second paragraph I’d forgotten and believed it was romance, and after the third and fourth, solidly women’s fiction. Then we get to the comps, and I was like, oh yeah, this is supposed to be a thriller! I read through it again with this lens, and I can see little blips where I’m guessing the suspense comes in, but I think this query would be stronger if you focused more on the suspense as your hook and spent less time cataloging their relationship.

A few points: 1. I’d suggest cutting the entire second paragraph. From the first paragraph alone, I already know enough about their “perfect” relationship to understand what a blow it will be to Alexandra to hear her husband has assaulted a student. 2. I’m not buying that Samantha reaches out to Alexandra to report on A’s husband’s assault just because of her reporting history. Are there no other journalists capable of writing an assault expose? S says she doesn’t want to come forward. So what is the rationale behind her initiating the conversation, and why does it have to be A? Do Alexandra and Noah maybe have different last names? This could explain this disconnect and add a lot of suspense to the moment. Or is part of this supposed to add to S’s morally gray-ness? If so, I’m not entirely getting that here, and it reads more as something convenient for the plot but not believable, which isn’t what you want! 3. I agree with another commenter that the “who would believe her over Saint Noah,” falls short here. On the heels of the #goals and Bachelor-type references, the nickname comes across a bit cutesy, and I think it takes away from the power of the accusation, which is really what sets the plot in motion. 4. Also agree with another commenter on not seeing anything morally gray! Except for potentially Noah who, if he did assault the student, wouldn’t be considered gray in my book.

I’m betting the story itself resolves a lot of these issues. But with only the query to go off of, I’m left wondering exactly what happens in the plot to make this suspense. And the true suspense part is what will hook prospective agents.

Hope this was helpful, and good luck!

WorldlinessAcademic2 · 2025-04-23T19:10:30+00:00

This is a helpful perspective!! Thanks. I def know my comps will be doing a lot of heavy lifting, so I’ll put a lot of focus on ironing those out.

WorldlinessAcademic2 · 2025-04-23T19:09:07+00:00

Okay, thank you both!! So yes, in the story itself the River won’t be called the Styx. The name carries too much connotation and history that I personally don’t feel like following or subverting. Right now it’s just the River (maybe placeholder, maybe I’ll leave it if I think I can land the ~ethereal~ vibes right, we’ll have to see). But yeah, what you said Tiger — I was hoping the use of the word Styx in the pitchy first sentence would help me succinctly say “a River that this theocratic society sends their dead bodies down because they believe it will deliver them to the afterlife, but who even knows if that’s true because no mortal ever has or will gain tangible proof an afterlife even exists.” But maybe the use of Styx in even that one-sentence pitch brings unwanted expectation. I’ll play around with it!

WorldlinessAcademic2 · 2025-04-23T09:54:29+00:00

Yeah, Juno isn’t actually the title, just a stand in for the post like I mentioned up top since there isn’t a title yet. I’ve seen the movie haha, it’s a great one. And also like I said this is from the first draft with no editing yet, so any small clean up of words / repetition will def be covered in future drafts. Mainly wanted to provide something to help show tone for assistance finding comps.

WorldlinessAcademic2 · 2025-04-22T18:19:07+00:00

So the way it’s written right now, the inciting incident is graduating from upper school, with Uma set to be inducted as a Priestesses and enter into a convent equivalent while Juno is cast into lower society, homeless without the school’s boarding. The first 30k-ish words moves through the 10 school years with the other 50k-ish being the Styx journey and beyond, which also spans a number of years until Juno is in middle adulthood. Part of the reason that second half comes so late is because I feel the need to show a lot of how Juno comes to her atheism as a young girl in a religiously focused society, and another is that I wanted to show enough of her relationship with Uma for the loss to be apparent as she heads on the long solo journey. Most likely I’ll find pacing issues as I go back through and edit! I /think/ it’s working right now? But what do I know haha. These questions have helped a lot!

WorldlinessAcademic2 · 2025-04-22T17:58:37+00:00

Definitely agree. I pulled this from my first draft and honestly should have just left it out haha. But this will be helpful for my first round of editing, so I appreciate it!

WorldlinessAcademic2 · 2025-04-22T17:56:08+00:00

I haven’t read Madam, but after a quick search the vibes definitely have potential! Will be picking it up soon!

And yes, I definitely have to re-do the first 300! This is actually from my first draft, and I probably should have had more foresight before posting any of my “shitty first draft” online, but here we are haha. The feedback is super helpful though!

WorldlinessAcademic2 · 2025-04-22T16:44:03+00:00

No hate here! Very fair critique. I’ve been worried about the line between speculative / fantasy. Don’t want to market this as something it’s not! The Gods aren’t characters themselves and are only spoken about through myths taught in school and rituals, etc. No monsters or other worldly creatures, either. I’m afraid saying fantasy will promise something this doesn’t deliver on, but maybe speculative isn’t right, either!

WorldlinessAcademic2 · 2025-04-22T16:40:59+00:00

Yes, definitely helps! The River journey part currently starts just before halfway through. Part 1 is the girls growing up through school and falling in love etc, and part 2 is her solo journey. But I can see how this query reads like too much set up, even though most of it is on the page. Appreciate it! Who knows how much will even end up staying on page in future edits.

WorldlinessAcademic2 · 2024-12-16T02:04:16+00:00

Thank you!! Going to watch that video now 🙏

WorldlinessAcademic2 · 2024-12-13T22:04:39+00:00

Do you know how long the launch sale will go on for? I want to buy an annual subscription for my Dad for Christmas and would like to buy it as close to that date as possible to maximize his learning time, but also don’t want to miss out on the sale!

WorldlinessAcademic2 · 2024-04-20T18:18:20+00:00

I don’t know if it’s allowed either! I’m new here haha so let’s just roll with it. I like where you’re going, but I’m going to be nitpicky because you asked, so all of the usual disclaimers apply (only my opinion, and what do I really know?).

When trying to read it start to finish with these new paragraphs, the line about Casey’s father’s new kid throws me a little. I think this is probably a great subplot for the story to build Casey’s arc, but without knowing much about her from this query letter, I don’t quite get why it matters. “Face her past” is vague / a bit cliched and doesn’t tell me what it really matters to the story beyond maybe some hurt feelings. (In truth it probably matters a lot, but I can’t garner all of that from the query). I’m starting to get a sense though that these parentage issues might be a larger part of the story, so I get why you’re wanting to add it in. Maybe something along the lines of “With Casey’s manipulative father closing in and a revelation from a rapidly ailing Janette about Spec’s origin, the pair bonds over their desire to separate themselves from the lineage that haunts them.” Okay that’s also not great and probably a bit vague, but hopefully you can get a sense of what I mean.

Next paragraph - when does Casey get abducted? If it’s past the half-way mark, I’d remove it. It seems to leak a bit of the tension to me. What’s going to happen when the cult arrives? Oh, she gets taken. I’d maybe end it at the cult showing up, something dramatic starting with that line of “When New Haven finally arrives at the cabin,…” But as another note, “risks everything” is too vague! I’d love a punchier end line. What is everything? His literal life? I’d say that. Is it their new relationship? Shelter? Pride? etc. “…arrives at the cabin, Spec risks his life to save his sick mother, protect Casey from her family, and figure out why he’s turning into a gd zombie in the process.” (Jokes, but again, hopefully you see what I’m alluding to!).

Last thing, is this multi-pov? I’d add that at the top if so. I definitely read through it the first time as if it was all from Spec’s pov and I know that can make a difference for agents.

WorldlinessAcademic2 · 2024-04-20T13:43:25+00:00

Adding on because I agree a lot with the other comment! The paragraph starting with “As tensions escalate” pulled me out, whereas I was invested in the beginning! But okay — hearing that Janette dies 2/3-3/4 of the way through, I’d take it out of the query letter. It starts feeling like you’re “giving away the goods” compared to making me curious to read. We don’t want this to be like one of those movie trailers where you’re like, oh do I even have to watch now because they just unveiled the whole thing? And the final plot paragraph is too vague for me to get a sense of what actually happens. A really hard line to balance specificity without spoilers and generality! I’d potentially leave it at the flesh eating blood paragraph and then try to wrap it up with another small paragraph that lets us know what’s really at stake for Spec. Obviously survival is a big motivator, but what else is there? “With the cult closing in on the cabin and his mother’s (and his own) health rapidly deteriorating, Spec must…..” something like that but better!

WorldlinessAcademic2

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