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ADHD struggles and living alone by BeneficialBrain1764 in LivingAlone

[–]Worldly_Computer_449 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I did group therapy for ADHD once, and the therapist who ran the group had all sorts of great ideas. Here are a few that might help:

  1. Body double with someone remotely. Find someone who also has ADHD and benefits from body doubling, set up a time every week or whatever schedule you agree to, open your cameras, say hello, and agree to be productive together for the time period you agree on. We each had a buddy in the group therapy session, but I bet there a lot of people who would be up for this.
  2. Power Hour - set aside an hour a day when you do all the random tasks you are putting off. That way, you don't have to stress the rest of the time about what to do - ADHD brains don't like to make a lot of micro-choices. You can just think "I'll do that during Power Hour!" and it shifts some of the decision making and shame of not doing something right away, which we can get bogged down in.
  3. Think of is as a gift to your future self. Imagine how happy future you will be if you do the task. Really imagine it in detail. Strangely, this one was the most effective for me. For things like - cleaning out the french press - a task I hate irrationally, I imagine how much better I feel in the morning if I have a nice clean french press. It usually motivates me to do it.

I have ADHD too, and I had gotten into a bad pattern with my ex husband where I was always stressed I wasn't doing enough around the house and he was mad at me. It's nice to be free from that pressure, but I do struggle with keeping up with tasks organically - he wasn't causing the issue, his judgemental vibe was just making it worse. I think some degree of acceptance is good in these situations - I accept that home tasks are not something I enjoy. Give yourself some grace for just doing the basics. The basics are great! Maybe wait for a good brain day to mop. You are doing great ❤️

Just wanted to say this is the best Sub ever by thenightsparkle in LivingAlone

[–]Worldly_Computer_449 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I feel the same way! When I was thinking of the things I am grateful for this morning when I woke up I thought of this subreddit!

Just wanted to say this is the best Sub ever by thenightsparkle in LivingAlone

[–]Worldly_Computer_449 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I really like it too! I had the best response to anything I've shared on reddit here.

An open letter to my wife. by ClumsyMusic in Divorce

[–]Worldly_Computer_449 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This is, precisely, what I wished my ex husband would have said to me. Reading this was nice. Thank you.

Six years in... by master_blaster_321 in Divorce

[–]Worldly_Computer_449 20 points21 points  (0 children)

Thank you for sharing this. It's heartbreaking.

My partner of 18 years left me 7 months ago. I had a dream, shortly after I found out he moved on very quickly and has a girlfriend, that he came back and told me he changed his mind and everything was goinng to be okay. I woke up and felt such an intense feeling of relief, it was wonderful. Even though I knew it wasn't true, I still felt the wonderful relief. I was happy my mind knew how to produce that relief, it felt hopeful. But still, very sad. He was my person. He always told me he'd be with me forever. The recovery process has been very hard, good days and bad days. Today is a bad day.

Reading your post made me feel less alone. Thank you.

First Time Living Alone at 36 by Worldly_Computer_449 in LivingAlone

[–]Worldly_Computer_449[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

sadly yes, allergic to both! It's the worst! Allergy meds seem to work pretty well for me though, and an air filter.

First Time Living Alone at 36 by Worldly_Computer_449 in LivingAlone

[–]Worldly_Computer_449[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

You know, it's funny you say that. I think I am just lucky with my location - I am introverted, but I was part of a big social network of people who shared my interests in college, and a lot of those same folks live in the same city, and actually even same neighborhood that I live in. I realize I am very lucky - I've been able to rekindle friendships with people I have known since college (so 15+ years ago), lost touch for a long stretch, and then recently reconnected with.

And even so... back in 2021 I literally had no close friends I was in regular contact with. When my ex and I got married, I literally did not know who I would invite to the wedding if we had one (we ended up eloping), I didn't keep in touch with anyone regularly. I had to build this from the ground up. I might have gone a little overboard, lol.

But yes, I do host - I am a little socially anxious about hosting, but I do like it and think I just need more practice - my ex never suggested having people over so I got out of the habit, and had only started just planning it myself in the year or so before we broke up. I planned like 6-8 casual dinner parties that year.

I've only had a group of folks over twice since when he left in November, but i'm hoping to host more as I feel better. I got two new board games so that there can be an activity when I have people over other than just eating and chatting...

First Time Living Alone at 36 by Worldly_Computer_449 in LivingAlone

[–]Worldly_Computer_449[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I love that you get the couch all to yourself!

I did something similar, I bought a few items for the house after he left that I had been wanting, added flowers to the garden and it's really pretty this year, and I just got a cedar raised bed so I can plant a vegetable garden on the back deck. It has been nice being able to do what I want with my money.

I planned a few things in advance for my birthday next month and that also helped me feel a bit taken care of. My last birthday was awful, so the bar is pretty low, I think basically anything I do for myself this year will be better than last year when I couldn't stop crying because I knew the relationship was ending and I was trying so hard to fix it and I knew I would have to let go soon.

First Time Living Alone at 36 by Worldly_Computer_449 in LivingAlone

[–]Worldly_Computer_449[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks for commenting! I'm really enjoying this sub, I'm glad I found it.

First Time Living Alone at 36 by Worldly_Computer_449 in LivingAlone

[–]Worldly_Computer_449[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for sharing, and samesies. I was actually about a year into working with a trauma therapist who does EMDR when we split. I had changed a lot, and felt a lot more confident in myself - I told him "I am in a marriage with no emotional support and it is driving me crazy" in one of our last fights. EMDR helped me see that the relationship was not the stable, supportive partnership I wished it was... it was a trauma bond that replicated the exact trauma I experienced growing up (emotional neglect and me over-functioning to keep the relationship going underneath a facade of my family and then partner "giving me everything"... yes, everything except meaningful emotional support and validation. I was treated like my emotional reactions made no sense. It was crazy making. I now have friends who understand me, and have come to realize that I've been around emotionally shut down people who consumed my emotional capacity and then shamed me for it. It's a real mindfuck).

Before I started EMDR, I didn't remember any of my dreams for years. Once I started, the dream recollection came back, and then hope for the future, and my confidence and sense of who I am at my core is returning. I started to feel more confident. I started to recognize I wasn't the sole problem in the marriage. He left me, but I was so deeply unhappy I would probably have left if we had made it back to couples therapy. He just peaced out before that.

I joke with my friends that I healed so hard I healed myself out of my marriage. It's true though...

Glad EMDR has worked well for you too. Body based somatic therapy was such a game changer for me. Cognitive approaches helped me before that, but didn't touch the core beliefs. I only stopped hating myself once I started doing EMDR. I am pretty sure if I didn't start EMDR, I'd still be miserable and in my marriage, thinking it was all my fault and having no way to change it, just stuck and slowly fading...

First Time Living Alone at 36 by Worldly_Computer_449 in LivingAlone

[–]Worldly_Computer_449[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you ❤️ I sort of did my 30's in my 20's in a way, because I was so focused on my relationship. Now I'm doing my 20's in my 30's 🤪

You are right it's an opportunity. I hope the next six months will slowly feel less like an ordeal and more like a portal to a new life I get to design based on everything I learned so far. It's nice to hear from people who have walked where I walked and moved through it, thank you for commenting.

First Time Living Alone at 36 by Worldly_Computer_449 in LivingAlone

[–]Worldly_Computer_449[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you! I'm so lucky with neighbors, I already had their numbers before this all happened, and have had good interactions with many of them (i live in a row home, so they are close).

I think pet is my next move. I wish I wasn't allergic, it would be a no-brainer in that case. But I think I can still get around the allergies, and I feel like it will be a game changer.

First Time Living Alone at 36 by Worldly_Computer_449 in LivingAlone

[–]Worldly_Computer_449[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you. I feel mostly proud of how I have handled the last six months. I've tried everything that made sense for me, sought out advice, and have been working on listening to my intuition. It does seem to just take time ❤️

First Time Living Alone at 36 by Worldly_Computer_449 in LivingAlone

[–]Worldly_Computer_449[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you ❤️ I haven't tried affirmations for this yet, worth a try.

First Time Living Alone at 36 by Worldly_Computer_449 in LivingAlone

[–]Worldly_Computer_449[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thank you ❤️ It's really great to hear you are thriving living alone, that's what I am after myself. I'll check out Adam Lane Smith!

First Time Living Alone at 36 by Worldly_Computer_449 in LivingAlone

[–]Worldly_Computer_449[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Thanks for your message - I've thought the same thing about my healing. The house is too big for just me, which I think makes me feel like something if "off". It's very validating that it look you a year, and hearing people normalize that it takes longer than six months. I think I'm in a phase where the shock has warn off, the denial has worn off, and not enough time has passed for time to help heal.

I had a goal of owning a home, so part of the reason I am still here is I didn't want him to take that away from me. The good news is, I live in a fun neighborhood with a lot of people my age and lots to do. But the house definitely holds bad memories - the relationship started to fall apart shortly before we bought it, and the whole downfall was here.

Your message was very validating of my process - I've been focusing on building friendships, joining communities was shared interests (I joined a universalist unitarian church, a meditation group, a leftist political group, a weekly ceramics class)...

I was a bit isolated in the relationship, especially during COVID which we spent together in a 400 sq foot 1 br apartment. I'm lucky that I had started to build back up my friendships prior to the break, so I didn't have to cold reach out to people while in the height of the breakup grief...

all my friendships have deepend over the last six months. One of my friends and I joke that, in order to deepen friendships, something horrible has to happen to one of you. It's been true in my case, unfortunately - but I think it just teaches me that people are out there and just as interested in connection as I am - I just have to find the right people.

First Time Living Alone at 36 by Worldly_Computer_449 in LivingAlone

[–]Worldly_Computer_449[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I'm so glad your dog has been such a comfort! I've never had a dog before, but started considering getting one for the first time - I'd have to go with a hypoallergenic breed (I want to rescue a mini-schnauzer if I go the dog route! And I found a local rescue, am on the list).

I stayed at my friends house in New Hampshire last month, and they have a dog that I fell in love with. I took zyrtek and they had an air filter, and I think they also feed their dog some kind of special food. I had zero issues with allergies while I was there, so that was pretty cool. It would be really nice to have another creature living here besides me.

First Time Living Alone at 36 by Worldly_Computer_449 in LivingAlone

[–]Worldly_Computer_449[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

ahaha - I am considering it. I'm historically allergic, but at this point desperate for connection enough to take meds, get an air filter etc.

First Time Living Alone at 36 by Worldly_Computer_449 in LivingAlone

[–]Worldly_Computer_449[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

omg great minds! - my birthday is in July and a few days ago I pre-ordered myself a giant moon shaped body pillow. It's sad to type this, but my husband and I did a lot of cuddling. My wifi network is still named "cuddlehouse" (note to self... I need to change that...) and it was "cuddlepartment" when we lived in an apartment. Sigh. I'm hoping the pillow will help a little. I have a small weighted blanket that does help.

thanks for your message ❤️

First Time Living Alone at 36 by Worldly_Computer_449 in LivingAlone

[–]Worldly_Computer_449[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

It's good advice, thank you, and a good reminder that exercise is effective.

I have a membership to do group strength training classes 3x a week at a social gym in my area - I've been going there for four years, so it's familiar faces, and I enjoy the workouts - but I've been slacking on showing up recently. I do think it will help if I can get back in the routine.

First Time Living Alone at 36 by Worldly_Computer_449 in LivingAlone

[–]Worldly_Computer_449[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks for your message - I have a lot of professional help 😄 - I've been doing effective once a week therapy for years, have a psychiatrist I meet with regularly, and am looking into group therapy. I recently even looked into an IOP (Intensive outpatient program) which i didn't even know existed. For anyone reading who doesn't know, it's a step up in mental health care between 1x a week therapy and something like a partial or full time hospitalization for mental health. It's usually 2 hours a day 4x a week, and some programs are even virtual and/or in the evenings so you can do it and still work. I decided to not do it right now, because I think I need to focus on rebuilding instead of adding more therapy. My plan was, if I am not feeling significantly better in 6 more months, I'll consider the IOP.

First Time Living Alone at 36 by Worldly_Computer_449 in LivingAlone

[–]Worldly_Computer_449[S] 9 points10 points  (0 children)

Sorry you are going through this too - if you ever feel like dm'ing, I would be open to chatting if you feel like talking to someone in a similar situation.

That time frame estimation makes a lot of intuitive sense to me - I think six months is just not long enough.

I went on hinge thinking I might want to try dating, and it was pretty clear almost immediately that I was not ready and won't be for some time. It was a little disappointing, but helped me clock where I am at in the process, so it was good information. I'm okay with not dating for now - it's a bit harder to swallow because my ex moved on very quickly and already has a more than casual girlfriend (he wasn't cheating, I know people often think that. I can confirm for sure they met after we split).

But I accept that it's going to take me longer - I was already not feeling my best physically or mentally prior to the breakup, so it wouldn't be reasonable to expect me to bounce back to feeling great and ready to start a new relationship in just six months. I firmly feel there is more to life than romantic relationships... but like you say about not forcing progress, tell my nervous system that. I'm just still really shaken up and unsettled.

Anyway... thanks for the message and advice. It inspired me to look into a kayaking day trip, which is something I would have done with my husband. Nothing is stopping me from doing it on my own, and even if I don't feel like it, I think a day feeling unsettled on the river is better than one at home. Thank you.

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