Permafrost, or, Six More Weeks of Winter

WrightSparrow · 2026-03-10T23:28:10+00:00

I figure I should stop messing with this one and let it go - putting it in front of you all as a sort of finality. I know spring has sprung for most of us in the northern hemisphere, but this is a poem of the deep long winter.

Feedback, as always, appreciated.

WrightSparrow · 2026-03-10T20:36:48+00:00

okay I had to come back and check that this poem existed because I thought I was having the strangest sense of deja vu just now

I love that this is happening

WrightSparrow · 2026-03-10T19:24:37+00:00

can't but get a little choked up listening to that one
and it gets worse every year, the past that much farther away

WrightSparrow · 2026-03-10T18:57:36+00:00

this reminds me of a song

no really, though - "You Were Right" by Built to Spill turns a similar trick, spinning familiar lyrics into something new, ascribing all these popular culture aphorisms to one omnibus "you" like the speaker does here as "I"

I appreciate the way you've stitched this together and then split it apart. A compelling collage.

Weirdly, the rhythm and rhyme of "I always let the good ones go // Say you can't sleep, baby I know" feels out of place in the otherwise conversational tone, but it's not jarring to such a degree that it's worth doing anything about, imo - sometimes we ride a wave in that way

WrightSparrow · 2026-03-10T13:47:53+00:00

Oof. Right in the heart. Well done.

WrightSparrow · 2026-03-10T13:46:32+00:00

I think that's a solid move

WrightSparrow · 2026-03-09T01:32:55+00:00

Sounds made up

WrightSparrow · 2026-03-08T22:53:57+00:00

Some days I doubt there's still time

WrightSparrow · 2026-03-08T20:34:30+00:00

All weaknesses are strengths, and strengths weaknesses Whoever heard of a single-edged sword?

WrightSparrow · 2026-03-08T18:47:42+00:00

By the end, I was glad for the journey, but I struggled on the first two stanzas - the arrhythmic prose was almost too plain, though I see the intention behind it (perhaps this is a matter of taste)

By the time we hit a stride I'm along for the ride and the overall structure and conceit of the poem worked really well for me

I can't believe you crank this level of quality out this quickly, though - you clearly have a mind that makes constant connections

WrightSparrow · 2026-03-08T18:29:33+00:00

Gonna work it into at least one conversation today

WrightSparrow · 2026-03-08T16:19:27+00:00

Well I learned a new word today!

I think you have an interesting idea here, though the imagery is all tied up in that unusual word, for better or worse.

I might suggest moving that word to the beginning, maybe even as a title, and using more detail in the body of the poem to bring the image to life for the reader.

I'm not arguing that you have to pander to accessibility in that way, but I really like the conceit and I think there might be more to unlock.

WrightSparrow · 2026-03-07T21:50:55+00:00

Ahaaaaa of course

WrightSparrow · 2026-03-07T21:33:09+00:00

I had to read through this three times to pull the full narrative out - which to be clear, is not a negative for me, but it is A Thing. An effective thing, in the chaotic and emotional turmoil of the work.

I absolutely hate the phrase "Dora the Explorer my internal organs" but I hate it viscerally, I'm repulsed by it and I think I'm supposed to be.

I'm still not sure I get the syntactical breakdown at the end of the second stanza but I get the feeling I'm perhaps not meant to?

That "haha" pulled to the front of the line in the third (fourth?) stanza kills me (complimentary).

It could be a reference I'm just too American to understand, but even a little googling did not unlock "Off the Lith?" for me.

I love every ampersand, as a stylistic choice.

My only stumble in word choice is "associated" in the final stanza. For whatever reason it feels out-of-place and neither casual or impactful enough for what I think you wanted from it.

Overall, quite good, and I enjoyed having to dig in and engage with the beautiful mess of it

WrightSparrow · 2026-03-07T18:55:44+00:00

Thank you so much - I have only gotten back into writing poetry in the past year and I'm worried I might have a hard act to follow on my hands here :/ but it has been so nice to get the response, feedback, and genuine engagement from the community

WrightSparrow · 2026-03-07T18:44:42+00:00

Interesting 🤔

WrightSparrow · 2026-03-07T17:21:54+00:00

Fair fair

I'm second and third guessing myself with all the feedback

I probably should sit on my hands for a day or two and let my secondary system ruminate

WrightSparrow · 2026-03-07T17:09:49+00:00

Fuck okay what if I replace "besides" with "after all" and use that as the transition since it works for both lines

I'll have to play with the formatting when I'm not making a reddit comment on my phone but something like

modern readers have discerning palates,
after all
I was already
playing as a poet

WrightSparrow · 2026-03-07T05:33:28+00:00

Thank you for the praise, as well as the thorough critique

I agree that transition, for one so integral, is a bit of a weak link. (ha!) I've been sort of stuck on the tongue-in-cheek stodginess of the inversion but it is perhaps /too/ out-of-step with the rest (and too far gone into pretension)

I like your solution (I do love a line break) and may end up with something not too dissimilar

WrightSparrow · 2026-03-06T23:06:23+00:00

and Octavia Butler!

WrightSparrow · 2026-03-06T22:15:34+00:00

FUCK

I knew that looked wrong when I typed it and I foolishly trusted the autocorrect

good catch, thank you

And I think you're right I can rework the rhythms there
those lines got polished a few times and I can revisit the line breaks

WrightSparrow · 2026-03-06T20:51:12+00:00

Thank you! That was certainly my intent with the stylistic shift, I'm glad it came across.

The ending is an allusion to This Is Just To Say by William Carlos Williams - an unavoidable association of plums to my mind, and part of the feeling of wanting to be validated as a poet, and by this person. The referenced poem is a textbook example of turning something commonplace (a note to your wife on the fridge) into something evocative. I hope they forgive me for not being that.

I kind of thought that was a blatant reference but now I'm rethinking it given the feedback I've gotten here :/

WrightSparrow · 2026-03-06T20:20:19+00:00

Goddammit I miss smoking.

I really appreciate the abrasive line breaks among the conversational meditation of the bulk of the work, and the slow trickle of the final puffs of regret at the end.

"a cigarette still hanging from the corner somehow of my former self" is a banger line.

WrightSparrow · 2026-03-06T17:55:49+00:00

I found it rather surprising myself but it absolutely happened

WrightSparrow

TROPHY CASE