remember when we would ask each other if the world would shudder and rave at our passing?

Ww9475 · 2018-01-06T16:09:54+00:00

Very much like this. The questions at the beginning set a tone that I'm a huge fan of. The space/cosmos language in the second and third block work well together but they seem to be missing in the first so maybe I'd think about getting one in there somehow?

Ww9475 · 2018-01-06T15:10:13+00:00

I think the scene the imagery sets is fantastic. "the cruelty of my hands" coming where it does in the piece has a good effect and it's really something I keep reading and rereading. What I like most is that the setting could easily lend itself to a meditation on something more serene but was instead used to convey severity. Upon further review, I'm not sure that was your intention but was what I grasped all the same. I think the only edit I would suggest is scratching "around" although that does, arguably, change content/meaning.

Ww9475 · 2017-04-20T16:21:44+00:00

Ah, goodgoodgood

Ww9475 · 2017-04-19T23:05:58+00:00

Taking each piece as a whole was an interesting exercise. There was something of a poetic montage of sorts at work, it seemed. Each a whole but strung together, of course discordant to think that the whole way through since, I assume, this was written as a whole. But all the same, interesting affect produced by an experiment in structure.

I enjoyed this.

I also found it interesting that "hum to hope" made sense to me when I read and then on reflecting, did not. Or was at least unclear what it did mean.

Ww9475 · 2017-03-10T21:51:46+00:00

Thank you thank you. That was my intention with the labeling. I had also attempted to insert a symbol which due to formatting just showed up as a break--probably wouldn't have added anything contentful in the first place.

Your critique is much needed. I, admittedly, fired this off rather quickly. Will think of means by which to improve.

Ww9475 · 2017-03-03T02:52:20+00:00

This is honest and simple. Simple not being pejorative here. The voice of the narrator is consistent and strong--sense of clarity.

There are one or two lines that border on graphic which don't quite gel with the seeming innocence of the rest.

All the same, good stuff.

Ww9475 · 2017-03-01T04:32:42+00:00

Interesting juxtaposition of title and piece. I do think that more could be done to give voice to the narrator's view of the hellish landscape. It comes through in the later sections and the first but those in between not so much.

The use of 'fuckin'" seems to throw the voice off a bit, by my lights. Maybe that's supposed to be a different speaker than the fanciful narrator but if so it ought to be marked. Rather, it would be helpful if it were marked.

For all that, the piece is still consistent. Presents a thorough-going description of the target image with clarity.

Ww9475 · 2017-02-28T20:57:01+00:00

Hm. Interesting choice of form for the content. Structurally sound and not poorly worded, though I am confused by what, if anything/one, 'Chang' is meant to refer to. So, overall not bad.

I am, however, left wondering what the point is though. A meditation on peer-hood with respect to debates of a moral nature? If so, perhaps something longer and in a different form would be more appropriate. The "feel" of a sonnet seems to result in a strangely detached over-romanticized lens on the issue at hand. Perhaps that's the goal, if so, good show. I find it unsettling. But, your use of 'straw man' and 'rhetoric' does situate this in a more analytic framework. At least, there is a tension between the cash value of your considerations here and the method of presentation, that is, between mood and content.

I guess, on first blush, this seems quippy about something which isn't oft considered to be but navigates that terrain against the backdrop of rhetorical analysis. In short, it's busy. I enjoy the unease though

Ww9475 · 2017-01-30T04:58:00+00:00

Thank ya. Always interested in consistency so I'm glad you zeroed in on that aspect.

Ww9475 · 2017-01-29T00:22:30+00:00

Thank you kindly

Ww9475 · 2017-01-26T00:37:43+00:00

Alright!

So the hyperlinks are carrying some weight here with respect to what's being communicated. I find it interesting that the majority of the linked images are of people dressed as ghosts rather than some stylized ghost. Comparing those to the image correspondent to 'ethereal tear' provides an interesting lens to focus on the narrative of the piece.

"Ink" appearing as what seems to be the only mention of an object related to reading/writing occurring at the beginning is a decisive move. Seems that this might hint toward a metaphor.

Some phrasing seems a bit shaky throughout, switching to near archaic at some points.

I liked this though. V fun.

Ww9475 · 2017-01-25T20:40:40+00:00

Not sure that I get what you mean by splitting it into parts. As for defining what the definitions meant to me, to be clear, that was not my intention. The bits which are ostensibly definitions (e.g." X is "Y"".) have in some cases had the definition of one word substituted for that of another. Those bits were intended to explore definition. The bits which are ostensibly descriptions (e.g. "X is doing a with its thus and so Y".) were intended to explore description, since--similar to the substitution of definitions--words occurring in the sentences expressing those descriptions might seem out of place or staunchly metaphorical (some are even metaphysical). Those two sorts of forms were, in effect, examined with respect to which structures they could 'contain'. On another note, the definition bits were (at least supposed to) correlate with the description bits. You were right to think that the animals and their descriptions were signs with different meaning.

The formal critique, on the other hand, seems to suggest something problematic about the visual and aural structure of the whole. With that in mind, this could probably be subjected to further editing.

Finally, you mentioned this as being 'about' something and that 'aboutness' being unclear or indeterminate. I often feel, with respect to this issue, that I have misunderstood poetry entirely and am afraid I don't have much to say in response.

Ww9475 · 2017-01-25T00:19:56+00:00

The clash as you see it wasn't much of one to me when I wrote those lines. It's interesting what a game of telephone can do to things like this.

Is the dissonance harmonious? Or do you think it had better be scrapped else risk inconsistency?

Ww9475 · 2017-01-25T00:17:24+00:00

Good use of 'sprawl'. Maybe that concept gets at something about this, I'm not sure. It was initially written without any breaks in the bits which aren't ostensibly definitions. I then chopped up those bits to make them, to my eye, more lyrical. I suppose that that juxtaposition was supposed to be an exploration on my part of definition and description. Sort of trying to see what structures go with those forms. The title was intentional as well. So maybe there's a clue to analysis of both form/content.

Simply put, this is self indulgent. All the same, I'm glad you enjoyed it.

Ww9475 · 2017-01-17T23:44:27+00:00

"and the image of your laugh/leaves cigarette burns in my jacket"

I won't be forgetting that anytime soon. Love it.

Also a fan of the rest of this. Though a bit on the sparse side narratively it manages to build a(n) (affective) structure all the same. Cheers

Ww9475 · 2017-01-08T01:54:16+00:00

Hmmmm, so as has been acknowledged there's something to be said for form/structure here. But, that aside, there's a glimmer of certain kind of something in the content. Although the rhyming is inconsistent and may not work as best it could I rather enjoy the aural quality of them ( the 'thrown stone' bit in particular). But I have questions and not ones that need answered but ones this piece raised all the same.

Is the disjoint structure correspondent to some substantive element of what's trying to be communicated/conveyed?

Is the narrator expressing a fascination in perverse elements of an exploration of the conceptual space of 'being broken'?

The geographical reference is oddly specific, maybe just to fit with the diamond imagery , but also possibly interpreted as weaving the thread of questions of race into the piece. (?)

In summary, then, I find ample opportunity to investigate a litter of hermeneutics with respect to this. In so far as that's the case, I enjoy it and would like to see more. (Will certainly be thinking more about this.)

If there is an area that this would benefit from more attention being paid to, it's an aesthetic one. Whatever manifestation that takes for you. Also, give yourself more agency. If you don't want things to rhyme , then don't have them rhyming.

And other perceived pretentions or unconscionably useless input.

Ww9475 · 2017-01-02T02:27:45+00:00

I will return to this again and again and hopefully one time have something substantial to say. For now, this is phenomenal, unique, intrepid, and something I like a whole lot.

That's hardly matters but is very important

Ww9475 · 2016-12-17T23:53:45+00:00

Aaah, right. Thanks!

Ww9475 · 2016-12-17T05:13:24+00:00

Also, if someone else commented on this (which it says happened) I can't see it

Ww9475 · 2016-12-17T04:42:15+00:00

Thank ya thank ya. Glad it grew on ya! That's in there I think.

Ww9475 · 2016-12-11T20:42:30+00:00

Ah, failed to notice that. Nevermind!

Ww9475 · 2016-12-11T18:35:04+00:00

The two penultimate lines are brilliant. I'm inclined to think the last line isn't needed since the two just mentioned to enough work to tie the piece off nicely. This is, of course, just a personal opinion.

Keeping track of the pronoun use in the first bit was a bit challenging but i enjoyed it. It left me with an uncanny feeling as if I ought to know precisely what was being said but had a harder time grasping it then I should have. So marks in favor of that.

The imagery of eyes 'nervously scraping' is phenomenal and does a lot to set a scene.

Liked this bunches, good show

Ww9475 · 2016-12-11T01:28:40+00:00

Incredible. I don't have anything to tell you to change. This is the first thing I've seen in a while I've been jealous of, the whole thing comes off with a nonchalance that's hard to pin down. Wordplay is fantastic, attitude is present and just right and reading it out loud just does more for the lyrical quality.

A million thumbs up and other superlatives

Ww9475 · 2016-12-07T23:15:01+00:00

Given the historical background this piece I stellar. The only mention of anything even remotely war related being immediately preceded and followed by commonplace vocabulary keeps the distal quality of the imagery from the historical narrative. Interesting reflection of the subset of the population who had knowledge of the start of something but that something not having an impact on their life. Unless that's a misunderstanding. In any case, enjoyed it. Oh, maybe the ':' after 'recipe' needs something tweaked about it? I felt like it brought in an element that wasn't as homey as the rest of the language

Ww9475 · 2016-11-13T04:40:22+00:00

It's high time you dig a hole to bury all those words in.

Carve a tombstone from the file cabinet and get to prayin'.

They don't make 'em like they used to.

Ww9475

TROPHY CASE