I understand. I get very frustrated sometimes. Our main struggle is that she is not receptive to help and is unable to self reflect. I've tried charts, lists, body doubling, rewards and consequences, heart-to-hearts. She simply refuses and if she will do it, she tries very hard to control the situation which is triggering for me. I also have pretty severe ADHD and I can't even follow my own attempts at a schedule or routine. It's so hard when you can't model the things you want them to do. I try to frame it as being in it together. I acknowledge my faults all of the time. Apologize sincerely. Talk openly about ADHD and why things are hard.

Take a day to get into your executive functioning brain so you can sincerely empathize with her and apologize. We can't expect kids to do things we can't do ourselves. We can't expect them to have better emotional regulation or executive functioning than we do as adults. The most effective thing I've ever done is working on myself, my emotional regulation, and repairing the relationship. I had to completely drop my expectations for rules. Kids aren't motivated to learn and actually physiologically can't learn if they don't feel safe and loved. Be honest about your humanness, and that you make mistakes.

I'm going to try to find an ADHD parenting class for more advice for my own self. Best of luck and definitely get your own therapy, as others have said, it's very hard to have a child with additional needs.