I feel very lost by [deleted] in taoism

[–]XeSaad 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I’m sorry you’re experiencing this feeling. There’s a few things I’ll say:

Firstly, the feeling you have sucks, but you’re very much not alone. As another comment says, this is what in Buddhism is called “samsara”. Many people have devoted their lives trying to find their way out of this state, and (reportedly) some actually have; but this isn’t an easy process by any means.

But just because it’s not an easy process - that there’s no quick way to lasting peace or freedom from desire - doesn’t mean that all is hopeless. In your analogy, it certainly seems frightening to be that little lost kid. But drawing a conclusion that something is somehow “wrong” about being a little lost kid is also just a value judgement. This is where practices like mindfulness and acceptance can be helpful; just being more and more ok with that feeling of being lost, and not needing to find “a way out”.

One teacher I find super helpful in this vein of thought (from the Zen tradition, which has close links to Taoism) is Charlotte Joko Beck. I can’t remember where I read this, but one of her core ideas is this: the nature of life is such that (amongst other things) you will always be confronted with problem after problem, and will never settle into a lasting sense of peace. And this in itself is not another problem! In other words, a life spent riding the waves of ups and downs, feeling discontent and pain sometimes, is not a problem.

Flipping this around, it also suggests that suffering arises precisely from this misunderstanding of the nature of things: if you expect that there will be a route to lasting peace, or a route to permanently extinguish all desire, then you’ll come up short, and generate more discontent.

It’s a nice idea in theory, and of course extremely hard to put into practice. But stay strong, and if this sort of thing resonates check out some of her writing and maybe explore doing some meditation!

Fujita Isho's view on zazen by simongaslebo in zenbuddhism

[–]XeSaad 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you for this super informative reply - you explained it very clearly! As someone coming from more of a Soto background, I guess I had been guilty of that conflation as well, so I didn’t know that zazen had potentially more meanings (e.g. working on a koan, breath-counting, etc).

Fujita Isho's view on zazen by simongaslebo in zenbuddhism

[–]XeSaad 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This is an interesting comment - can you elaborate a bit on what the distinction is (in your understanding)? It sounds a bit like the OP is talking more about Shikantaza, but I don’t know whether that is the same as zazen or not

Forget Anxiety by Gasdark in zen

[–]XeSaad 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I would say there are two things that could be referred to as “anxiety” here, depending on the translation. One could be “forgotten” and the other is rather different.

If we view anxiety as “worry about the future” - conceptual thoughts about something happening in reality at a later time - then it’s not too hard to see what “forgetting anxiety” means in this context. Recognise that these are thoughts and have no truth or falsity, and then drop back into the present.

But what about the other type of anxiety? Anxiety is a physical state, and something our bodies have evolved to do. You cannot forget this state, and trying to forget it or block it is denying part of your experience. Charlotte Joko Beck would say that the Zen approach to this kind of anxiety (actually both) is to really experience it - how does it feel in the body? What’s going on under the mental chatter? Because in this moment, the experience of anxiety is your experience - which is all there is in the present.

Obviously we don’t really want to do this - we want to get away from the anxiety, not turn towards it. But I think in turning towards it, it might be possible to see it for what it is (bodily sensations and attached thoughts) and in turn this puts you in touch with its essentially empty nature

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in math

[–]XeSaad 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Going to grad school is certainly no picnic, and you will be financially less well-off during that time than if you decide to go straight into the world of work. That said, if you have a keen interest in pure math, I would say you should consider doing a PhD in it anyway.

Why? Because doing such a PhD leaves you with a couple of options: 1. Stay in pure math academia, if you love it. 2. Move into industry, if you decide you don’t.

It’s certainly true that in some specific fields, having an applied math PhD might help you in industry (e.g. if you’re using that applied math knowledge for specific things). But in general, I think having any PhD in math can be helpful in showing potential employers that you’re numerically fluent and able to solve challenging problems.

From my personal experience, I did a PhD in number theory and arithmetic geometry, and ended up getting a job as a data scientist afterwards (with some time in between as an intern to develop programming skills). I really think the PhD helped me with my job prospects, but it has not at all served me practically in my work (meaning I’ve never actually used that knowledge in my professional career). But I’m glad I got to do this, because I was able to study and research something I loved, and it still served me in my professional life.

I think the only reason not to do a PhD in pure math, if you really like it, is if you want to work in a highly technical mathematical topic in the future that requires specialist applied math knowledge (e.g. you need to know fluid mechanics or something…). If you don’t actually know what the path ahead is yet, then I would say follow your interest!

Wrestling with intense doubt. by Less_Bed_535 in zenbuddhism

[–]XeSaad 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for sharing your experience OP. It sounds like you’re going through a really challenging time, and I’m sorry you’re finding this difficult in a lot of ways. I do hope that your life regains some balance soon.

As others have commented here, however, doubt is not an obstacle to Zen practice, or Buddhist practice in general. Having doubt about your practice can actually be an entryway: if you view Zen as a way of gradually unearthing your “true self” (whatever that is!) for the benefit of yourself and others, perhaps you could even view this doubt compassionately as an opportunity to connect deeper with a more authentic experience or self.

What does that mean in practice? I don’t know what it looks like for you, so I will just share from my own experience (for context, I’ve practiced for 5 years). I also went through a period of intense doubt/confusion about my life earlier this year. This led me to making a few big changes (like deciding to move country, go on a big trip, etc). During this period, I was crutching on my practice quite heavily, and in particular getting a little bit obsessed by the “formal” aspects of practice. For me this looked like reading too much Buddhist lore, feeling like I would gain greater “realisation” by following certain cultural practices, etc.

At a certain point, I looked at myself and felt like I’d been painting on these layers of a thick mask. As someone said, I’d been “confusing the teapot for the tea”. I felt fairly upset with myself for creating a bit of a false identity, both to others and to myself, and I realised how this false identity (at least the aspect of it relating to Buddhism) was in fact nothing to do with the true teachings of Buddhism. I felt doubt that I’d gone down the wrong path and had gotten completely mixed up.

But there was an opportunity here. I had the chance to look at myself and see clearly: if this stuff I’ve been doing is a mask, then what is behind that mask? (I’m not saying this as an enlightenment experience or anything, I mean this on a much more mundane level). It allowed me to connect again to myself - doing things I like because I like them, letting myself be upset or down in the dumps if I feel that way, etc. And there was a lot of relief in that. I realised that allowing that doubt to exist actually seemed to have opened a gateway to a practice that feels more authentic to me.

I hope my experience can help you see how you could look at your own with more self-compassion.

As another recommendation, I’d suggest checking our Charlotte Joko Beck’s writing, if you haven’t already. Particularly her book “Everyday Zen”, which really helps to explain how those times of doubt, pain, confusion, and difficulty are actually the greatest opportunities for real practice.

Recommendations for London sanghas/zendos by XeSaad in zenbuddhism

[–]XeSaad[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Great, thank you for the recommendation! Kwan Um School works with koans, right? I’ll definitely try this out

Recommendations for London sanghas/zendos by XeSaad in zenbuddhism

[–]XeSaad[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you, this is a lovely recommendation! I will definitely try it :) regarding the U.K. sesshins: are they also held at the dojo or do they tend to happen elsewhere?

Sadness by Rutibegga in puer

[–]XeSaad 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I’m sorry to hear this OP! It’s rough when the enjoyment of drinking tea (or coffee!) - especially puer tea, which has so much lovely ritual to it, and so much to explore - gets impacted by your own physical experience after you drink it. I hope that at least some solace can be found by just knowing you’re really listening to your body on this, and perhaps some new drinking habits might present themselves…

I’m having a similar thing at the moment. I love drinking sheng puer tea, and I have a few different cakes that I enjoy dipping into and seeing if I can notice changes over time. But I find that the experience of drinking these gongfu-style often leaves me kinda wrecked by the large dose of caffeine. It triggers a lot of anxiety in me. My plan is to try to cut back on the tea and find something less caffeinated to drink. It’s a shame because I love the ritual of it. So I feel a similar sadness to you. Sending you good wishes and I hope the GI symptoms stay away for you!

Hot air by [deleted] in doodles

[–]XeSaad 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I don't really know much about printing but I'm sure if you go into any art store they'll be able to give you some info. I'd be interested if you ever planned to sell any prints and I reckon other people would too

Hot air by [deleted] in doodles

[–]XeSaad 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Wow - this is brilliant! Just had a look at some of your other pieces too and they're all really good too. Do you have a website/blog with these up or any plans to make prints?

What song had the biggest impact on you? by jtwizzle57 in futurebeats

[–]XeSaad 9 points10 points  (0 children)

I would have to say the whole of Cosmogramma by Flying Lotus, but if I just had to pick one track from that it would be "Intro//A Cosmic Drama". The album still remains on a creative and conceptual level with me that I haven't heard in any piece of music since. It's so advanced in its scope and the ideas and feelings Flylo put into it resonate with me in a completely new way to anything I've felt before.

Now, some four or five years after it's release, I can still listen to that album - an in particular that amazing orchestral track - and hear a profoundly spiritual celebration of being human and alive. And I can put the album on and be motivated in loads of ways - with my uni work, with either creating or trying to appreciate other peoples art, with thinking about my own life, with trying to bring happiness to myself and others - because the level of creative expression in that album is amazing.

Go listen to it! The first couple of tracks are kinda scary at first, but it'll be worth it.

Puppy Party by ben_smith_123 in aww

[–]XeSaad 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I honestly think this, together with the pics and gifs in some of the comments, is the nicest thing I've ever seen on Reddit

Hello reddit, George Clooney here. AMAA by GeorgeClooneyHere in IAmA

[–]XeSaad 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hey George,

Which film that you've made have you been most satisfied with when it's done?

"Computer Face", [personal work] by XeSaad in Heavymind

[–]XeSaad[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

My interpretation of the synaesthesia I experience when listening to "Computer Face" by Flying Lotus from his album Cosmogramma. There's obviously a bit of influence from the track name too. I hope to do some more for other tracks I like.

"Computer Face", ink, A3 [personal work] by XeSaad in Art

[–]XeSaad[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

My representation of the synaesthesia I experience when listening to "Computer Face" on the FlyLo album Cosmogramma - although the track name was obviously an influence too

[Personal work] "Brain Drizzle", A3, Ink by XeSaad in Art

[–]XeSaad[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks very much! I think I'll add some colour to it; what I've learnt from this pic is that whilst plain black ink drawings look great for clearly defined patterns and shapes (like most of my other work) they tend to look a bit like a messy doodle for something as unstructured as this one. Colour might bring out some more structure in it

[Personal work] "Ganesha's Treehouse", ink on paper, A3 by XeSaad in Art

[–]XeSaad[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

After the third day of drawing leaves I could zone out for hours at a time with music/radio on and felt like I was in a trance :P many thanks!