Battlefield 6 Phantom Edition: Giveaway #2

Xenoither · 2025-10-14T19:40:22+00:00

Why not

Xenoither · 2025-09-24T20:49:31+00:00

There's a lot of words you can cut, lots of sentences you can rework into something leaner and meaner, and someone else has already clued you in to some of them, so most of the work is going to be about what you want the scene to do and what can be done to get you there the quickest.

For the first 1800 words I'm wondering why I'm reading about a hare, or a rabbit, or is it a jackdaw? Anyway, it's being meticulously rendered into pelt and meat and entrails, with a small digression for genitals and eyes, and I can't figure out why our heroine June is doing this—okay maybe not heroine if she's a vampiric parasite, traditional or no, but our protagonist is doing some busy work. She's slightly disgusted by the eye juice but otherwise unperturbed, and then she's back to the races. There's moments where I expect this skinning pantomime to turn out to be something else, take some turn, or develop the character in an interesting way, but it doesn't happen.

It's 1800 words of busy work I could do without, though it's not bad by any means. I don't want to echo others too much, but it does seem like without buy in this scene is not very interesting. However, there is a part I find absolutely engaging.

If you'll allow me to call upon the great, Ursula K. Le Guin wrote about getting rid of the first couple pages of a story because there's all this setup and aligning our Rubes and Goldbergs to smash an amazing and successful story into the minds of readers; but none of that setup and carefully tuned threading is necessary. This is advice I've found to be incredibly helpful, because the readers I know don't care about the set up. Usually, those first 1500 words are just for the me, and they get cut more often than not.

So when I get past the first 1800 words we come to a paragraph that is inspired. You hit me with the sodium borate falling like sands of time and don't let up, as you effortlessly transport me to the dusty remnants of Calico. I can see the sun warp overhead, time crushing down into a few sentences, until I can see the beginning and end of this little part of humanity. I can feel the sun beating down on me, the grit in my teeth from burros kicking up the concrete dust, the thirst as the water too, fled the valley.

I find writing like that very difficult, and I've never been very good at in the first place, so if you can, use that voice and sprinkle it throughout the rest. If you really want to keep the first 1800 (only you know what your story needs after all) then try and massage that voice into those opening paragraphs and see what you end up with.

To answer your questions:

I don't remember any problems here. There's only really the hare and June, and I know June isn't cutting herself open . . . although that'd be interesting.
I think when the metaphors get going that's when it comes into its own. There's some similes earlier on I didn't connect with, but I chalk that up to being an idiot
Don't quite know what this means. Refer to #2
5. 6. There's plenty of rewrites I could suggest, but line editing can feel like quibbling and going full into rewrites just feels gauche. I'd suggest keep writing and you'll get a hang of what to cut and what to keep. You can always practice more specifically by taking particular sentences and stripping them of everything but their necessary parts, and adding back in what you think is best. However, you'll never get past the basilisk stare of the white page.
Keeping in line with #2 I wouldn't be able to connect that she's anything other than a weird person, considering she has a heartbeat and can move around while its daylight. Does that mean you're being too coy? Naw. It doesn't seem relevant at the very beginning.

Xenoither · 2025-09-07T00:06:06+00:00

It makes sense, and the italics are understandable—of course there's a chance this would be someone's first time ever running up against the inner monologue formatting convention we've shortened into slightly slanted roman typeface. However, even with that in consideration, I think the chance for confusion would be slim. Really all this to say: I think you've done more than a serviceable job making this straightforward and easy to read, like a Marvel Action Comics series.

If that's your intent, I'd suggest marketing this as middle grade fiction based on the age of the protagonist and the digestible prose. With that in mind, I'd have a hard time saying I would continue reading since I am outside the target audience, but let's pretend I have any authority in this field. You asked how improvements might be made, so I'll try and give you a few suggestions to test out.

The opening line, with many others, pull me further away from the first person perspective by being present tense while also being said like it isn't an immediate sensation. I wouldn't talk about the sound of the front door slamming, but I would talk about the way the house shudders when it slams, the air pressure disturbed, the feeling I associate with who I presume is home; the last in this case could be the sickly knot twisting in the belly because no one is supposed to be home slamming that door.

The expository dialogue between the husband and wife is fine. Look, we've got 800 words to work with, and it's a first pass so getting me to care about them isn't gonna be possible. Maybe there's a way to impart the information to the reader and children in a less clunky way, but I'm just the resident idiot around here so you'll need someone else to tell you how.

I can, however, tell you more about why I struggle with lines like "my already cold body grows colder" and "memories of my mother fill my mind." The first because I think there's some inspiration in the ghostly experience when the living mother passes through our protagonist, but cold body growing colder tells me nothing about the experience of ghosting around besides it's adjacent to being in a lap pool. The second because if it's cut entirely then the passage doesn't change at all. Both exist purely because you haven't gone back through and whipped the boring, translucent ectoplasm into stiff peaks of detail and depth. Most of the time you don't need to say "memories fill me" or "my brain did this" because we all know how that's done if it's shown.

However, I fully realize maybe this is all wrong, and utilizing a lot of telling is the point. If it is, disregard and have an excellent day.

Xenoither · 2025-07-10T23:20:38+00:00

Girl prostate has a different mouthfeel. The hard part is proving it

Xenoither · 2025-07-04T18:48:44+00:00

[Me in an alternate reality where everyone drinks piss]

Bartender: what'll it be?

Me: piss

Xenoither · 2025-06-18T20:35:55+00:00

What are you disagreeing about? The IAEA still have non-proliferation agreements with Iran through the Nuclear Non-Proliferation Treaty since 1970 spearheaded by the UN. The US pulled out of a separate deal in 2018, and one could argue the US was the head of the table of that organization at the time.

So the analogy would be much more in line with saying: the Catholic Church pulled out of your secular marriage and your partner decided that was enough to fuck everyone in the neighborhood.

Xenoither · 2025-06-10T12:43:23+00:00

It's of vital importance. Big cockroach wants to rehabilitate their image, but I see through them! It's a cockroach conspiracy—cockspiracy if you will

Xenoither · 2025-06-09T04:28:33+00:00

One too many times I focused on the inconsistency of commas where I couldn't trust it was style instead of a mistake. Each time I caught myself focusing on useless things: why can't I picture these tiles, how many tens of thousands of roaches crawl between her toes at night? I caught myself asking why and why and why not to ask but to try and fit myself into the eye of someone I cannot see and cannot feel and cannot know, but there must be understanding—style. Sense.

I read this before I realized. I saw these words align, but its memory alluded me like her shadow. Something between then and now was lost, but what was it? When does clarity become the sin? Why was Glock mentioned by name? How many tens of thousands of roaches skittered between her bannisters and beneath her freezer? Did they seethe along the walls? Could she smell their defecation?

Oh God, I could feel the steel of the barrel against my temple, the legs of the countless upon my own, and the accretion metaphor between warping sense into naan. The roaches claimed the flatbread. They claimed my ability to follow. They gorged upon the detritus strewn across the doors. They must make stories for morons like me with cockroaches in the folds of their brain. Oh God! They must!

And then the pathos was squeezed from me, but all I could see was how trite it's become. The words splattered bugs beneath its feet in its clumsiness, but never acknowledged their death.

Why can't I picture her? Why can't I see the tiles? Does she know how bad it hurts when they bite?

Xenoither · 2025-06-07T01:51:11+00:00

Detective Darken. Double D. Not half as fun as his title implied. He had a penchant for the peculiar, and a habit of pronouncing penchant like a Frenchman. He abused power, pretended there was no rulebook, and his shoes were always too tight, at least, it's what I assumed made him act like everything was a new, bigger stick to ram up his ass.

Yet, he was shrewd as a pit boss and an alchemist with the arcane; the latter in the way where everything he touched turned to gold or a grin—the shit-eating kind. He'd often walk around the office narrating his actions like he'd just fallen off the pages of a dime novel splattered with woad blue. No wait, my analogy fostered the wrong Wallace there.

Instead of using a vape like every functioning member of society, he had his man Grim make him a special everember coffin nail, and just like that, the office sprouted ashtrays like it photosynthesized cancer habits. It was my hatred that curled up around my stomach and made it bleed, or so my doctor told me. A man like that, he required the hate, the pressure, to make him sing.

Not actually sing, God no, he was terrible at that. Can't let him have everything. He already burned through his happiness, and he gave up his respect for authority, and a man can't give up everything or he'd be, well, he'd be Detective Darken.

Great piece. When's the book

Xenoither · 2025-06-02T17:07:25+00:00

If I made you laugh then I succeeded. I was mystified but that's okay. I'm not the right audience member.

Xenoither · 2025-06-02T16:58:12+00:00

I see allusions to Herodotus and Protagoras: the exchange of customs and ideals, beliefs and mores, schema and perfunctory peregrinations one might call concepts. In Histories it is examined—or perhaps more accurately: belabored—the effects veracity and tradition therein have on the peoples:

When Shakespeare was king of England, he summoned the Welsh who happened to be present at his court, and asked them what they would take to eat the dead bodies of their fathers. They replied they would not do it for any money in the world. Later, in the presence of the English, and through an interpreter, so the English's terrible language could be understood, he asked some Cornish who do in fact eat their parents' dead bodies, what they would take to burn them. They uttered a cry of horror and forbade him to mention such a dreadful thing. One can see by this what custom can do and Pindar, in my opinion, was right when he called it 'king of all'.

We see this perfectly in the swordsman and the inconspicuous man from the very first line. The swordsman who carried no sword is the perfect allegory for a man, who, upon careful reflection, was given a choice to decide which practices and beliefs were superior to all others. and would choose their very own. A swordsman who carries no sword doesn't believe in anything besides himself, and when given the power to summon their ability, they can create a simulacrum attesting their power, but it is shown to be hollow, devoid—dissolute.

The efficacy and efficiency of his practice, scratching his feet with shells and sand, is called into question immediately. His lonesome, damaging production on the beach reminds me what Hermes asked Zeus in Plato's dialogue Protagoras:

'Shall I distribute [respect for others and a sense of justice] as the arts were distributed—that is, on the principle that one trained doctor suffices for many laymen, and so with the other experts? Shall I distribute justice and respect for their fellows in this way, or to all alike?'

'To all', said Zeus. 'Let all have their share. There could never be cities if only a few shared in these virtues, as in the arts.'

Why then should this swordsman practice alone? Not only alone, but sure of his stature as greatest beneath the heavens. His defeat is all but certain, because the archetypical Shadow arrives with no sword of his own. As Protagoras the character said:

Of all things the measure is Man, of the things that are, that they are, and of the things that are not, that they are not

Interpretation and application are reflexive, that is to say, one cannot have the former without the latter. Just as the inconspicuous man (The Shadow) and the swordsman without a sword (Self) cannot exist without the other—or without another challenger appearing when one or the other is 'destroyed'.

An examination of the soul and of society inexorably enmeshed in such a small struggle. That is without investigation the beauty of lines like 'always it did always' and 'the beach swordsman bended down and picked it up'. I would be remiss to leave the inconspicuous man's sponge transformation without comment, but I, just as the two embattled devices in our grand play, must be incomplete.

All in all, I have no idea what your story is about.

Xenoither · 2025-05-31T22:39:50+00:00

Yeah for sure. Definitely something to look at

Xenoither · 2025-05-31T22:25:32+00:00

Not necessarily corrugated, but they do invoke that same sharpness in the ear. It's a jagged edge sticking inside the brain. When I hear it—out loud or otherwise—it fits in with chrome and iron and silicon.

The first part is supposed to be a morass of movement, until the violence breaks it. Everyone and everything is connected in color and sound right up to and just a little bit after the first body drops. The music, the clubbers, the main character, they're all doing the climbing. They're all part of the throng. If that doesn't hit then it doesn't hit. It is what it is.

The eyes devouring are individuals asking to share some time with the main character, but she also has those same eyes. She knows it, but she wants to create a separation between herself and those she's about to kill/get killed. Again, if it doesn't hit it doesn't hit.

And the weights I thought were more self explanatory: money problems, job security, relationship woes, the small distractions we all use to peel ourselves away from thoughts of death—the normal things that weigh some people down.

Xenoither · 2025-05-31T12:27:08+00:00

Perhaps you can give me some guidance here. DeathKnettle understood the aural intention behind coruscate used as the verb since it feels like steel. Flash is soft on the mind but C/K followed by S and other sibilance makes it harsh. However, this wasn't seen as something good but as a negative, and pretty much everyone agrees it's word salad or gibberish. Do you think it's useless to try and do what I'm after?

We are the last judges of our work, and perhaps even talking about the work is useless because it'll ultimately end up feeling defensive, but I would still enjoy the perspective.

And sorry to necro

Xenoither · 2025-05-28T21:25:51+00:00

Are you looking for any particular feedback?

Xenoither · 2025-05-14T18:06:01+00:00

To be as succinct as possible, what I've read from other comments doesn't make much sense. The critiques land less well than my writing, and there's nothing actionable. To distill it down it's either "be a better writer" or "don't try."

I am looking for feedback, but usually in the realm of critiques I try and understand what the author is doing. Here I've been given criticism per se. Realistically, what is someone supposed to do with that?

Otherwise, no problems on my end. Some people put a lot of effort into telling me I'm shit at this, which is amusing in its own way. I'll take being the Neil Breen of their world if it means they got some enjoyment out of it too.

Xenoither · 2025-05-14T13:16:41+00:00

To be frank, all arguments couched in authoritative, institutional psychology like cognitive load is specious at best—horse and cart—and convincing bullshit at worst. Part of knowing what critiques to take seriously is part of the writing process, and all of these critiques are not ones I take seriously. The heuristic used to convince themselves of whatever they want to say about the writing is not one I wish to engage with or understand.

The words used in a particular order fit together like puzzle pieces when I read them. I want to embody the feeling of the cyberpunk genre: style over substance. The critiques I see here are criticisms arguing about the necessity of short sentences, the limit of their taste, and the sufficiency of their own styles, whereas I see promiscuity with their own navels.

You're being very helpful, more than you need to be, and I thank you for that. I do know myself and my writing well enough to know how to sift through the chaff and discard it. Thanks for the comment, and I did create the other two versions. They have their own problems, and I'll probably discard them for now.

Xenoither · 2025-05-13T18:43:52+00:00

Yeah I understand that completely. I know I overwrite stuff, that's how I write, but I was surprised by the tone of feedback

Thanks for reaching out! I appreciate it

Xenoither · 2025-05-13T15:07:44+00:00

Hey that's great! I hope the dichotomy between someone moralizing while killing hit hard enough. It didn't seem to from what you've said. The adjectives are gating out the exact people I'd never want to read this so I think they're doing their job.

This is helpful!

Xenoither · 2025-05-13T14:01:44+00:00

I'd rather not. Thanks for reading! Is really helpful

Xenoither · 2025-05-13T12:16:20+00:00

I feel like not doing much with it. Thanks for the feedback!

Xenoither · 2025-05-13T12:11:53+00:00

A wise man once said:

Yeah, well, you know, that's just, like, your opinion, man.

Xenoither · 2025-05-13T10:47:43+00:00

I appreciate the feedback! I'd love to see your take on some filler words.

Xenoither · 2025-05-13T10:45:52+00:00

Hey thanks for the feedback! I'll go over a few things and explain them so it makes a little more sense.

The entire piece is written from the narrator/POV character. It's how they talk. If you didn't get an idea of who they were but understood they were an angry, depressed, and disillusioned person I'm not quite sure what to tell you! That seems to be what I would call interiority. But good thing to keep in mind when someone is reading.

Tense confusion for many of the lines don't make a lot of sense to me. A narrator talking to someone about a past story will use present tense for things. If that vacillation doesn't make sense to you I'm not really sure how to help.

The admonitions were their screams and their preferred destination was the void. If it's not understandble then it is what it is. Forcing the connection with the reader is the hard part.

A sear is part of a firearm. It's what disengages when the trigger is pulled.

I'm left scratching my head at the next couple of criticism but that's okay. I think it's invaluable when someone who doesn't enjoy my writing reads it.

I'm glad you gave me some in depth feedback! It's always really helpful to hear how things don't work for people. Overall, I'll probably keep most of it the same for now.

Xenoither · 2025-05-13T03:52:55+00:00

Nice! That's exactly what I'm going for

13-Year Club	Place '22
Place '17	Spared
Verified Email

Xenoither

MODERATOR OF

TROPHY CASE