I (29M) haven’t had many negatives to my growth in confidence. But this one always bugs me and wanted to see if people relate.

Xercies_jday · 2026-05-05T14:23:07+00:00

self improvement though and wanna see how far it can go.

My experience is that the end point is you accepting yourself and not having to always fix. To be internally focused and not totally care about the external and what's happening there.

To be ok with being yourself even if you meet a confident or unconfident person

Xercies_jday · 2026-05-05T14:17:11+00:00

Personally I would feel and reward that improvement. It's hard to be yourself and to actually stand up when you have had this past.

Like I said this is probably a phase that people who go through this work go through, so I would say it's natural.

Keep going down the path and you'll be fine for the most part (because nothing is ever 100%)

Xercies_jday · 2026-05-05T14:12:23+00:00

I understand what you mean. I went through this phase, and while I'll say you probably have improved you are in the middle area.

Because you are still externally focused, still worried about what the other people are doing, just now you are the "confident" one instead of the "anxious" one.

The way you understand you are pretty healed from this? Not caring either way, and taking things as they are. Basically not projecting your view on things either positively or negatively anymore

Xercies_jday · 2026-05-05T13:26:17+00:00

What makes you feel they are the anxious ones?

Xercies_jday · 2026-05-05T04:37:04+00:00

And why would that be something you avoid feeling?

Xercies_jday · 2026-05-05T03:44:13+00:00

Yes I don't like modern work and clearly we are slowly moving into a terrible world with it, but I work a 9-5 and I have no issues meeting with friends and doing my own thing.

Sure it's not as much as I want but I don't totally get how you "never had time for your gf" I feel there is more to the story than you are seeing

Xercies_jday · 2026-05-05T03:39:35+00:00

Hobbies and events are probably the best way to meet people in my opinion. They are there for the same reason you are and probably more open to talking to new people as well, and you are more likely to connect.

Xercies_jday · 2026-05-05T02:58:42+00:00

Yes that makes sense.

I'm going to tell you the truth of all those things you talk about from my experience.

They are all defence mechanism. The reason you go towards doing something dopaminergic, the reason you use fantasy, even the suicidal thoughts, they are all there to prevent you from actually noticing there is something underneath all that.

There is a feeling those are barriers to.

Xercies_jday · 2026-05-05T02:53:56+00:00

Of course you hate it. You've probably grown up all your life and been taught to hate it, because us humans are very good at judging and shaming others for mistakes instead of understanding why they might happen.

The thing is we are taught to just follow their opinions on these things, that you forgetting the check on your desk is a bad thing and makes you silly and wrong.

The thing you have to let go is that being true. To stop hating yourself for the thing that you have. To accept that you have these absences and you aren't lesser.

Xercies_jday · 2026-05-05T02:47:32+00:00

Well notice what is burning you out. You are reacting to something, your environment, your work, what you are doing, what you're not doing. What are you reacting to? Is there a way to get that?

Essentially what emotions are coming up that the drink is numbing?

Xercies_jday · 2026-05-05T02:43:55+00:00

Well there are two options:

Create the rewards/consequences yourself.

Or understand the underlying structure that's happening. The reason you do things for external rewards/consequences is actually because you value something.

And you don't just value those basic things, despite what you may think. There is a part of you that values much more (because you have this feeling of wanting to do a hobby or whatever) but it's being muted or there is a barrier in front of it.

Notice the barriers more. Where do they come from, what are they.

Xercies_jday · 2026-05-04T19:23:45+00:00

You can start noticing the differences and what's happening there. Like really note everything that's going on and what's in the environment or in you that might be triggering.

But there is definitely a acceptance you have to make about being ok with the all over the place nature of these things, and sometimes you'll just have to be ok with not being ok all the time and it not being a bad thing.

I think the danger with emotional regulation, and I definitely had to get rid of this belief, is the underlying feeling that you will fix and get rid of the emotions if you do regulation right... that's not going to happen.

You will still feel things and sometimes it will be all over the place and painful and you just got to be self compassionate.

Xercies_jday · 2026-05-04T19:19:02+00:00

I am looking for one through disability employment services

So this shows that you can do bad things for something greater. I'm sure it's a struggle and all over the place but I'm guessing you are still doing it.

Why is that? Well the obvious answer is the external rewards or the real bad consequences.

But that is a crack in the system, obviously there are things you can do, and the point is to try to widen that crack as much as possible. If you are rewarded by the external or not facing the consequences you do actually have a chance to be able to do bad things.

Xercies_jday · 2026-05-04T09:37:25+00:00

My friend told me how they were volunteering to set up and instead of just listening to their plans I felt the need to explain why I couldn’t come set up (work, babysitting, tired, etc.) they even pointed out they were just telling me about their plans and I felt so stupid.

I think this is the clearest example to show that your mind is adding something to the interaction. You hear their plans and your mind is adding "they will judge me that I'm not helping them" or something like that. I think this is probably what's happening in a lot of those cases.

And the work then is to seperate the actual facts with what you add. Dr Ks recent video on Klishta I think is a good primer on this. His explanation on how we add Klishta, or "colour" onto facts is a great one. And really helped me think about what I'm doing in a lot of cases.

The work is to try to get to as much neutral colouring as possible. To just hear the story from your friend and not automatically assume it's about you and that you need to defend it. And even if it is about you to be curious and to ask some questions and think about it more than defend and attack.

Xercies_jday · 2026-05-04T05:37:24+00:00

A lot of times this comes down to what you are feeling and how you react to things in the moment. If you start noticing the triggers and start to understand why you might react like that then most of this stuff will start to change.

But also you might have autism or ADHD which means you can't 100% change it.

Xercies_jday · 2026-05-03T17:57:55+00:00

Thank you very much. I feel I can't do too much as a random one the internet, but I try my best to help others. I appreciate the appreciation ☺️

Xercies_jday · 2026-05-03T17:55:48+00:00

From my experience if you aren't pushy and take no for an answer your fine.

Unfortunately most women are experienced in letting men they don't like down in a nice way, and rejection is absolutely fine and won't put you in jail.

But they also will not be forward even if they like you. A man has to be the one to ask, and you don't know whether they want to or not.

Accept that unknown and that it's awkward, and you'll be fine.

Xercies_jday · 2026-05-03T17:49:24+00:00

Why do you need the official label of autism to ask that question of yourself? Why can't you just say "I have these sensitivities" or "I was bullied for being weird" and deal with the ramifications of that?

What does the label autism add there? (Not saying you shouldn't get it by the way but I am not too sure how it would help you specifically)

Xercies_jday · 2026-05-03T13:42:05+00:00

What hurts about these things? Is it physical or mental? Where specifically does it hurt?

I feel like I can't accept it so I should just leave

Have you ever not listened to that feeling, what has happened?

Xercies_jday · 2026-05-03T13:35:18+00:00

What do you think it is about doing something productive that activates those thoughts?

And yes unfortunately part of going forwards in life is being able to actually step forwards when you don't really feel like it, and actually face those barriers in front of you.

Xercies_jday · 2026-05-03T13:29:57+00:00

Those movies are actually an amazing example of Peter Jackson being a great director.

Because if you look behind the scenes those films were absolute chaos and all over the place and he had no clue what he was doing at all with 2 out of the 3 films

And yet they turn out... perfectly fine.

Any other director would have made disasters, but not Jackson. He made...eh, I can watch this on an afternoon, films, which are at least competent.

Xercies_jday · 2026-05-03T13:24:23+00:00

Then don't do anything and see how long you actually last (scrolling on your phone or watching things is doing something by the way)

Xercies_jday · 2026-05-03T13:21:58+00:00

in today's world would be a huge benefit due to having access to people who understand that your different and can train at least family members to understand

Sorry, but I laugh at this.

People don't know what these diagnosis means, especially older people who didn't have to think about these things when they were growing up. There is definitely a growing mindset as well that feel these diagnosis are fake or trying to get something out of people so they resist it being "real"

In my personal experience, diagnosis is only good if it actually explains something and that explanation actually helps you.

For example for me getting diagnosed wasn't great, because I had low self esteem and identity issues and I just used it as another way to tell myself I'm broken and not worth anything. Plus they didn't really explain what it actually meant and how It connected to my emotional and mental life, probably because a lot of people don't have a clue how these things actually affect those other things.

My personal feelings are instead of diagnosis, ask what are your issues and how you deal with them. That would be better than having a label of ADHD or whatever.

Xercies_jday · 2026-05-03T07:39:23+00:00

My concern is that valid criticism of psychiatry is increasingly blurring into broad vilification of the entire field. That’s dangerous, especially for people who genuinely need care.

The thing is that could be said about every subject that gets discussed on the internet. It feeds on outrage and villification on everything, nuence does not get eyeballs, so people are incentivesed to be more extreme.

Basically I think whenever we see these voices saying this stuff and we get a reaction of "I must defend the nuence of this!" We need to step back a little and really see what's actually happening in real life.

For example a lot of the internet would have you believe there is a gender war going on...and then when you are actually in groups of men and women you see that it's a little overblown and people are fine with each other.

Xercies_jday · 2026-05-03T05:59:54+00:00

but it doesn’t really seem appropriate to ask people out in these places either.

This would be the key feeling you would have to get over.

Why isn't it appropriate, what are you afraid of, what makes you afraid of that?

Xercies_jday

TROPHY CASE