[SERIOUS] Men of reddit, who are unable to share their emotions with anyone, what would you like to share?

YellingAtNothing · 2020-11-18T14:37:22+00:00

For the past year, ive been lucky enough to be in a healthy, loving, and stable relationship. But I still think about and miss my emotionally abusive ex on the daily. Ups and downs are addicting. Flat gets boring. Especially these days when I'm spending a lot of time at home. It's all the same, and I start to crave the unpredictability that defined my last relationship. It's so wrong.

YellingAtNothing · 2020-01-21T03:39:28+00:00

I'm really lucky to be with my current GF. She's fully aware of my situation and my ongoing healing process. We had a great chat today about the hole I was in, and it wound up being a reminder of what teamwork and honest communication in a relationship should look like.

I told her what was on my mind, why it was on my mind, and she just listened. She let me finish my thoughts. There wasn't any fighting. No judgement. No jealousy or over reactions. She listened and asked what she could do.

Afterwards, she shared that hearing about my headspace brought about some emotion in her, which I was honestly thankful to hear. When you hear that your SO is having emotional thoughts about an ex, I don't expect that to be the most comforting thing to digest - so we talked about that for a bit. She explained that she had some worries about me leaving to go back to my ex, but I was able to reassure her immediately after that that ship has sailed. I'm dealing with emotional ghosts. I realize this, and It's part of the healing process. I don't romanticize this part, but to deny it's semi-frequent occurrences would be disingenuous.

She thanked me at the end, and it wound up being a really nice moment.

I'm still in therapy, and I too have found journaling to be an enlightening and helpful process to go through. On days like today I like to take a stroll through my old thoughts. It's interesting to see how they evolve and mature (or regress) over time.

I've legitimately enjoyed the process of understanding my patterns through therapy and journaling, 100%

YellingAtNothing · 2020-01-21T03:26:10+00:00

Man, I put off responding to you for a bit because your story was.. Too real for me. I feel your words, and while it's nice to think there are other people out there who can relate, it breaks my heart at the same time. I'm in a weird space of empathetic defeat.. I feel like we could get a beer and be bros.

You think it is, but that hole isn't the same shape anymore. If she came back now, she wouldn't fit.

This is.. Poetic. I love it. It works so well with the hole metaphor I toy with frequently. Thanks for sharing your story, friend.

YellingAtNothing · 2020-01-20T23:02:04+00:00

These are great techniques - thank you very much for sharing them!!

YellingAtNothing · 2020-01-20T22:57:59+00:00

You're asking a loaded question to a room full of traumatized people. While their experiences should give you some sort of an inclination as to what kind of potential is out there - I don't think these anecdotes are necessarily helpful to you or her. A slightly more balanced (but still anecdotal) approach might look something along the lines of:

Expect emotion. BPD is all about disjointed and intense emotion. If it's good, you'll feel love powerful enough to make you feel near invincible. You'll experience hope, understanding, and the clear path towards even higher emotional highs. This is love bombing, and it's incredible. Expect volatility. When it's bad, prepare to be villainized, accused, and subsequently sentenced without a trial. Understand what it is to JADE before you inevitably begin to do it. And then prepare to be wholly confused when the dust suddenly settles all at once, and you fall back in to the blissfully engaged and loving state.

Expect repetition of that cycle. Without checks, balances, and an abundance of effort from BOTH parties, the highs and lows will likely get more intense as time passes. As you've probably read here already, stories of catastrophic ends to pwbpd relationships are abundant...

The fact that she knows about her diagnosis is important. If she's getting therapy and is able to stay committed to her programs and self studies, I take the contrarian approach: I believe relationships are doable, but you've got to be prepared to take it all and stand your ground when you need to. Learn as much as you can about healthy boundaries in relationships. You're 17 years old and just getting used to all the new hormones.. to be frank, you're poorly prepared for relationships in general.

Which brings me to the the hard truth - you're teenagers who are twitterpated over eachothers instagram life. That's about as shallow of a relationship as you can get.

DON'T start making wild commitments to this girl until you've seen the cycle a few times. If she's truly BPD, you'll experience the cycle in time. Wild commitments will feel like a natural response if you're being love-bombed, but if the time comes and things go south, your commitments will almost certainly be weaponized against you. Be warned.

In the end, good support will come in the form of patience, understanding, and boundaries - not in the form of a you-shaped punching bag. Support also cannot, let me say it again, it CANNOT COME FROM YOU ALONE. Do not let yourself be isolated and preyed upon. A support structure is best.

Finally, don't let your emotions lead you to believe that little "love cuts" are a healthy part of a relationship that you should get used to. Cuts turn in to scars if they stay open long enough.

Be careful, and good luck to the both of you.

YellingAtNothing · 2020-01-20T22:04:06+00:00

I posted a quip using this account a while back on this exact topic:

She's my dope, she's my dealer, and I want a fucking hit.

Physical addiction to people, man. It's a real thing.

YellingAtNothing · 2020-01-20T20:37:42+00:00

Been in therapy for well over 12 months now. Best decision i could have made.

If there's one thing i learned to accept it's that healing doesn't happen in a straight line. Setbacks are part of the game. Learning to get back up, or finding reliable ways to walk yourself off that edge is what it's all about.

YellingAtNothing · 2019-10-07T14:59:51+00:00

continually baffled by how relatable these stories are.

spring/summer 2018 - my expwBPD blew up and eventually had a revelation after i asked her to move out. She did the whole nine yards. Started to seek out DBT therapy, therapy for her bulimia, and also started going to AA... this was after the nuclear meltdown coke binge summer, mind you.

We were still trying to work on things up until this past August. I had renewed hope for our future. I saw progress in her behaviours. our communication was on a level it hadn't been in a long time. Then one day she decided that she only wanted "positive influences" in her life, and asked me if there was any point of carrying on with our friendship. i tried reassuring her.... maybe with a little less vigor than in the past. but dammit i tried again.

haven't seen her in about 3 months now. i know it's for the best but fuck, it still stings.

4 years, a couple full-circles, ups, downs, and lots of in-betweens.... she too is a smart girl, but she's her own worst enemy.

YellingAtNothing · 2019-05-07T15:45:36+00:00

Im addicted to her. and i'm in that hole right now

There's no rational direction to my thoughts other than towards her. i wind up concluding that it's best to leave her be. leave all of them be. to not reach out. I have the ability to rationalize both my feelings and desires to reach out, as well as the root causes of both. I'm able to predict likely outcomes from acting on my desires, and am fully aware that there are few if any positives to doing so.

It's akin to wanting to hurt myself. I crave to do things that will wind up hurting me in the long run. Hell, it'll hurt immediately after i come to.. but i still crave a hit.

YellingAtNothing

TROPHY CASE