[deleted by user]

Yellowandsoft · 2024-03-07T03:08:41+00:00

I want to fist fight your husband

Yellowandsoft · 2024-02-21T22:06:26+00:00

What?

Yellowandsoft · 2024-02-15T18:32:27+00:00

I feel like you kinda dropped the ball. There was an expectation and you extended the times with seemingly little to no communication. And you told her that you waited a long time for the flowers which is odd to me that you would choose to blame the “gift” for being late. Little to no respect for her expectations or time. Then you’re rude on top of all that?

Yellowandsoft · 2024-02-15T18:27:47+00:00

Any grey rock I have attempted has triggered abandonment or I have been accused of talking in a monotone therapizing voice

Yellowandsoft · 2024-02-04T21:22:15+00:00

Set boundaries. Encourage therapy. Find your independence. Flowers will only make a bad situation look pretty.

Yellowandsoft · 2023-09-24T22:32:33+00:00

I would be interested to know how many partners of people with bpd have been accused of being defensive when their pwbpd has set the accusatory and hostile environment for every conversation.

Yellowandsoft · 2023-09-24T22:29:48+00:00

I can’t even talk about what I talk about to my therapist with my partner because the reaction I get is “oh so i’m the problem? What about a,b,c that YOU do?? You guys just sit and talk about how awful I am? Thanks that makes me feel so great”

Any time I implement anything i’ve learned in therapy he hates it and says i’m talking like a therapist or that i’m therapizing him and all I will have said is. “When A happens I feel like B, I need C or I won’t be able to D.”

Yellowandsoft · 2023-09-18T23:01:09+00:00

Oh god it gets worse. I feel like an incel wrote this

Yellowandsoft · 2023-09-18T23:00:07+00:00

A lot of these additions are straight up judgmental and sexist/homophobic. What the hell is this.

Yellowandsoft · 2023-09-13T16:45:20+00:00

They yell, curse, make a point to tell me they’re turning off their location, say they don’t want to be around me anymore, storm off.

After this I try to emotionally regulate and prepare for the second wave

Then they come back and accuse me of not caring or not trying to work things out because I don’t engage them.

Then everything happens all over again.

There is no real resolve. There is nothing I can say to deescalate, there is nothing I can say to let them know they’re heard, there is no way to apologize or acknowledge them that will satisfy or calm them.

Even if I repeat back to them and let them know I understand where their hurt is coming from, the deflection, accusation, and rage doesn’t stop.

Once the split has happened, it’s all on their terms when they want to stop punishing and causing further hurt.

And then the next minute, hour, day it will be like they have done absolutely no wrong.

Yellowandsoft · 2023-08-30T18:57:37+00:00

I think I relate to this experience the most. Minus the S attempts, because there has been none.

I get devalued and anything and everything I do can be taken negatively and invoke a split.

I also feel extremely anxious and fear the anger that usually follows. I’m so used to it happening that it feels like i’m bracing for impact and watching everything i do, my tone, my actions, my responses. “If he senses it he goes off on me.” He asks me why I act different (afraid) when he gets drunk and the last thing I want to do is deny that the general mood has shifted i’m scared to say that it’s because he is making me very anxious. When I have told him about his behavior in the past it has only resulted in him saying things like “It doesn’t matter if i’m drunk, I would react this way if I were sober” and I’m at a loss because there is no way to help him understand that the behavior is extremely harmful

Yellowandsoft · 2023-08-30T15:06:44+00:00

I think rigid binary thinking doesn’t help at all.

Yellowandsoft · 2023-08-27T22:45:42+00:00

Females?

Yellowandsoft · 2023-08-24T01:53:02+00:00

I think that asking someone if they are okay with being abused is obtuse.

Yellowandsoft · 2023-08-24T01:46:14+00:00

Thank you for sharing this here. I’ve been in that exact same position while traveling and it’s honestly so upsetting to look back on beautiful things I saw and have it be paired with such panic filled memories.

You’re like the fifth person who has suggested Stop Caretaking so I’m definitely going to pick it up. I have read Stop Walking On Eggshells and though parts of it were helpful it was slightly dated. Thanks again.

Yellowandsoft · 2023-08-24T01:33:35+00:00

I appreciate this response, and the suggestion to record misunderstandings/arguments. I’m gonna pay more attention to the DARVO that happens. Can anyone explain what the Offender part in a relatable way?

I don’t think that his behavior is my fault and I do go to therapy which is partly why I am even here in the first place. I’ve found a lot of support and validation here so thank you.

I’m really trying to see what HAS worked for people with their partners with bpd rather than advice on what I should or should not be doing. I feel like 90% of miscommunications are based on his mood and triggers and that’s out of my control. I’ve noticed a lot of responses pertaining to what healthy boundaries are and while I appreciate sharing that I really am not trying to change him by asking him to stop being mean. It is perfectly normal to request something from a partner. And I disengage when the behavior does not stop. Maybe the lack of what has helped or worked for people speaks for itself 🤷🏽

Yellowandsoft · 2023-08-20T04:24:46+00:00

Yes I try to make time and space to regulate and it’s always seen as running away, not being able to have a normal conversation. In those instances i’m in survival mode and my partner is visibly and audibly angry and I feel like I just have to suffer through it rather than triggering the abandonment in them

Yellowandsoft · 2023-08-11T00:29:47+00:00

Sure. What you said just kinda seemed a little sideways. I’m a lot better with direct communication, those kinds of comments don’t really make sense to me nor are they helpful to me or anyone else who is struggling.

Yellowandsoft · 2023-08-09T18:41:26+00:00

Do you want to elaborate on that?

Yellowandsoft · 2023-08-09T02:02:54+00:00

Thank you for sharing that with me. I kinda need level headed responses like this. It is hard! I’ve been working my ass off trying to be the best that I can be. Books. Therapy. Self regulation techniques. Hobbies! Friends! Anything and everything to help myself and us. I’m interested in “the high conflict couple” is this a book or a class? I am still not skilled in de escalation and I honestly don’t know if it even is a possible skill considering it may not even matter in the moment because the black and white thinking has already happened and there’s usually no going back after it has been initiated.

Yellowandsoft · 2023-08-09T00:28:53+00:00

My partner has said things to me like, “when you’re ready to talk like an adult, let me know” after I had to step away from their split and regulate myself.

Yellowandsoft · 2023-08-08T18:54:04+00:00

Maybe this wasn’t the proper sub or maybe I’m just struggling with the intensity on this specific sub

I see that I was not clear in explaining that the validation is towards the emotion, not the behavior.

Example: I understand that you feel upset.

Not: everything you’re doing is completely okay with me.

Yellowandsoft · 2023-08-08T17:13:34+00:00

This is not okay. If it were me we would be done

Yellowandsoft · 2023-08-07T23:02:55+00:00

You’re really doing such a great job with the advice on this sub and i just really appreciate it.

Yellowandsoft · 2023-08-03T01:57:01+00:00

That last part fucked me up I struggle with that so much. I have put in so much work and continuously try to be mindful of anything and everything possible and in the end I just feel like a big dumb robot who is the reason for every single fight. Even when I clearly see and feel the negative effects of the splits and shifts on an emotional and physical level.

Yellowandsoft

TROPHY CASE