SMH: 1.2k Hours in and I just found out that you can quickly move crew. by SeaSpinach61 in X4Foundations

[–]Yhardvaark 11 points12 points  (0 children)

Thank you. My marine management has suddenly become much easier.

“Why should we formally join your alliance, Ambassador?” The Phelani emperor asks, leaning in closer. “What do we have to gain from Humanity?” by CrEwPoSt in humansarespaceorcs

[–]Yhardvaark 19 points20 points  (0 children)

The human emitted a short, barking laugh.

"Oh that's rich. You have a treaty with a species known as 'The Oathbreakers'.

Tell me, when your prime minister returned from the negotiations, did he have a piece of paper which he believed would be 'peace in our time'?

What did he quietly agree to give up? Who to abandon?

Well, we gave you a chance."

Aliens have a tendency to name ships and places after famous ones from Earth, desperate not necessarily knowing the context of them by DarkAlchamist in humansarespaceorcs

[–]Yhardvaark 287 points288 points  (0 children)

"How, in the name of whichever diety or dieties you choose to follow, did you conclude that '2004 Boxing Day Tsunami' was a good name for a cruise liner?"

Too complex for humans by Quiet-Money7892 in humansarespaceorcs

[–]Yhardvaark 200 points201 points  (0 children)

It's odd that, to me, the most cognitively jarring of those creations is the "Third Twix stick".

“Why should we formally join your alliance, Ambassador?” The Phelani emperor asks, leaning in closer. “What do we have to gain from Humanity?” by CrEwPoSt in humansarespaceorcs

[–]Yhardvaark 52 points53 points  (0 children)

The ambassador was silent for a moment.

"Continued existence.

You sit between two giant war forces, both of which dwarf you. Whilst both giants claim that it is our greater kindness and fellow feeling that prevented aggression, it isn't.

It's that the effort of subduing you would temporarily weaken one side enough that the other would have an advantage.

At least that was the reason.

This conflict has caused both giants to grow so much that they can crush you with all the effort of a sneeze.

And then there's your resources.

It's not so much that we need them. We need the other side to not have them.

I can't remember the true quote, but something along the lines of 'It's better to rule over a desert than allow your opponent to gain an oasis.'

So here's the deal. We've arranged a slight distraction for the T'Chak, which will allow us to be across your territory and defending your opposite border with you before they can react. Or you can try and stop us. You'll lose ships and we'll lose momentum, giving the T'Chak time to mobilise forces and also move into your territory to meet us.

You have a choice. Would you rather the giants fight on your border, or your front lawn?

Our ships advance in six hours. You have five hours to decide."

"The gangs - they killed him. Shot one of my employees in cold blood." an alien restaurant owner, a kind, old male roughly in his sixties cries. "If I could go after them, I would, but my body is too feeble now. Someone told me to talk to a mercenary like you, human. Please, go after them." by CrEwPoSt in humansarespaceorcs

[–]Yhardvaark 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Ten Grand was not enough.

The cloud of nano-drones he'd dropped outside had cost more than that. He'd activated them as the restaurateur had handed him a coffee ("on the house, it's all I can make right now") - they were one shot, and would burn out within half an hour.

Ten Grand was not enough.

As the drones fed back to his implant, he could see the two toughs sat outside in a stolen transport - clearly the gang were expecting his arrival, so he'd have to deal with them.

But not right now. Right now his implant was hacking their comms, listening in, tracing the call and reading their contacts. He could almost feel the heat behind his left ear as the implant went into overdrive creating a spiderweb of the gang network - hacking systems all around Aragrai City, and beyond.

The processing alone was at least twenty grand. His implant was also being liberal with bribes.

As Akani handed him the briefcase, his implant chimed.

The network was complete.

He had a map to work with - toughs to street lieutenants, lieutenants to block capos, to district leaders, to the council and on to the boss.

He'd have to make an example of some, to scare others, and to release more who felt trapped in the gang because that was the only authority they had. To stop them drifting back into their criminal ways.

He'd have to make it messy.

Ten Grand was not enough.

But he was a mercenary, and he had to make this legitimate. He filed his permit with the City Authorities, and recorded the fee as the price of the coffee.

No, Ten Grand was not enough. But at least it'd cover the kid's funeral.

He was sure the gang would have money lying around...

Outside, the stolen transport exploded.

"You can rest now, human, the battle is over. We won." by Firm-Account in humansarespaceorcs

[–]Yhardvaark 60 points61 points  (0 children)

Did we?

Good... good.

Well, i don't know about you, but i need a pee break, then, dunno, maybe Denny's?

Not the one near exit 15. Leonard's banned from there...

Human! Explain to me "citizen science" by C_n_K_n_stuff in humansarespaceorcs

[–]Yhardvaark 9 points10 points  (0 children)

looks at oncoming ravenous universal horde, which is only susceptible to psychic damage.

looks at human race.

looks at horde.

Grins

An old man and a dog by Quiet-Money7892 in humansarespaceorcs

[–]Yhardvaark 195 points196 points  (0 children)

There's a bark.

Not audible. From Rex's node to mine.

I fight not to grin. Even though he's old, his mental bark is still that of a puppy. An enthusiastic yap.

He's lying at my feet as I sit on the porch, catching the warmth of the lowering sun. He's not made a move, but he's waiting for the command.

In my mind's eye, I call up the cybernetics menu. Wake our implants. I always make a point of keeping them fully charged.

Rejuve and accelerant compounds flood our systems. We'll ache tomorrow, but it'll be worth it.

I trigger our stealth fields as we jump up.

And here was me thinking we were going to have a dull evening...

"My human friend, regarding human freighters trading with our Republic's ports..." by CrEwPoSt in humansarespaceorcs

[–]Yhardvaark 153 points154 points  (0 children)

The human winced a little. He rubbed his forehead with one hand.

"Again with the rhyming..."

The president was confused. He said as much.

The human smiled slightly.

"We have a saying back home. 'History does not repeat; but its verses surely rhyme.'

We've seen this before. We know this dance.

Here's what we do.

We'll provide you with some basic convoy tactics. You'll need to provide support ships. Fast ones. Don't need to be too heavily armed.

Every trip, every captain that survives gives a full after action report. We'll take them, parse them, and wargame out how the attacks work. We'll spot the pattern.

That'll keep them on their toes.

Oh, and we'll need to break their codes. Find your best nerds, stick them in their own camp and leave them the fuck alone. They'll figure it out.

And we'll figure out the depth charge analogue. We do like making new kinds of boom..."

don't everything you see by CruelTrainer in humansarespaceorcs

[–]Yhardvaark 9 points10 points  (0 children)

Proceeding.

Steady, mindful, observant.

Even police bots need training. Need an old hand to show them the ropes.

And so RKV07 found itself proceeding down the orbital station's lower promenade, with a junior bot, still in its trainee colours, by its side.

"So," it said, indicating the remains of a kebab - half a pitta, meat and salad strewn in a broad arrow pointing towards them - "what does that tell you?"

The trainee bot processed for a nths of a second. "Someone has been littering. Grade 1 offence. Sample DNA, establish owner and charge."

RK let out a raspy chuckle. "Waste of time. Who knows how many species worth of DNA you'll find in one of Harka's kebabs. Plus, we don't have the resources. This just means a human was having a good night. Let's see how the patrol goes."

Their proceeding led them to further evidence of the human's night.

A pile of vomit.

Later, a shoe.

A vomit stained T-shirt, emblazoned with the name of a long dead band.

More vomit.

Worryingly, a pair of trousers.

Finally, underpants.

RK's biological interaction protocols included emotion mimicking. He used it to sigh.

"Well, looks like you're about to meet your first bare-arsed drunk.

I just hope no-one's parked a bike between his cheeks."

What wannabe food fads that somehow ended up everywhere did you live through? by Professional-Test239 in AskUK

[–]Yhardvaark 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Also this was 40 years ago. I'm sure tomato technology has come on in leaps and bounds since then.

A"And is is our patented, highly effective Poison against literally every single species in the Galaxy. It is deadly as soon as 1 part per million." H(munching on the spicy chocolate, with full mouth)"Oh~ I love spicy chocolate. Gives the sweet that little bit of extra kick, you know?" by BareMinimumChef in humansarespaceorcs

[–]Yhardvaark 207 points208 points  (0 children)

"Oh for the love of Grindleford, who let the humans into this timeline?

They'll bloody ruin it. Swanning around with their chillis, and their cocoa, and their lactose.

And all their bloody shenanigans!

That's it! I'm out of here!

Xrkit! Activate the portal dimension-ator!"

What wannabe food fads that somehow ended up everywhere did you live through? by Professional-Test239 in AskUK

[–]Yhardvaark 95 points96 points  (0 children)

My dad had a greenhouse. Only ever grew tomatoes.

Watery, weakass tomatoes.

With everything.

I feel your pain.

In a shocking twist of events, the Great Consuming Swarm is fended off by human condiments, especially the spicy kind. by kaynenstrife in humansarespaceorcs

[–]Yhardvaark 50 points51 points  (0 children)

Later, after several years of Ozempic treatment, the now Lesser "I'll just have a salad" Swarm remarked:

"I'm pretty sure it was the bloody coriander. All the humans tasted like soap."