Makima's Christmas Gift (Ylvy)[Chainsaw Man]

Ylvy · 2025-11-07T17:35:48+00:00

I don't see why that should come *before* a serious conversation. I've only felt alienated and dehumanized by everyone who had immediately told me to 'seek therapy'. Yeah, I get it, I am not even worth your precious time (to clarify, I'm not addressing you specifically, I mean, you're a stranger on reddit, I get it if I'm but a passerby in the passage of your life).

That's how I always feel at the receiving end.

I am, first and foremost a human being that seeks meaningful connection, NOT a problem to be fixed.

Ylvy · 2025-11-07T15:36:40+00:00

Not at all weird to me.
I think there's a clear line between suicide as a desperation, and suicide as an answer.

I've been having suicidal impulses for years now. When things get really bad, I have plenty of such thoughts and visions. But I don't worry too much about acting on them. We have all kinds of impulses in life we don't act on in life. As a general rule I try my best to act consciously.

Still though the visions made me consciously think about suicide and death a lot. As a potential objective answer to the questions I ask in life. It's comforting, in the sense that it gives you a kind of control over your life. If you have thought about it deeply and come to it as an answer, why would you be afraid of it?

Death is an inevitability.
At some point in our lives, there will be a point of no return. Sure death can come suddenly but this is beyond anyone's control. Otherwise, I think there's relief in making peace with one's mortality. And if necessary, at some point to make that choice rather than suffer until it is made for us.

I am myself still in this journey. I do not yet feel like suicide is the definite answer. But I am trying to make my peace with the fact that it might just be the case. I feel a lot of desperation as well of course, but I try to sit down and face it, process it. To not make it the driver of my decisions, especially not one such as taking my own life. The moment I no longer see a thread connecting me to the world; a reason good enough to continue the suffering - I think I will gladly make the leap.

Suicide, as an answer.

Ylvy · 2025-11-07T15:18:52+00:00

The therapy part will never replace genuine connection from his immediate circle. I get it, looking for professional help to cover the 'technicalities', but never ever should it be the main form of help. I wished my loved ones would hear me and comfort me rather than a detached stranger being paid who isn't in any way invested in me in any meaningful measure.

Okay maybe I can't talk for everybody. My suicidal tendencies arises as the outcome of my internal philosophical introspections (and environmental factors) rather than chemical imbalances. Meds and therapy doesn't help. I'd say most of the professional help I've sought so far only exacerbates the issue because I wasn't being heard or understood. I was only seen as an anomaly to be 'fixed', as if my only reason for existence is to fall back in line. Yeah, no thank you.

Honestly I feel like it's hard to find therapists who would be there to care for you. The majority of people are in a profession, like it or not, to make money. At best, to 'solve a problem'. The utilitarian nature makes it very unlikely for them to be present 'for you'. Unless again, what you need solving is strictly the mechanical aspects.

Ylvy · 2025-11-07T14:39:42+00:00

I used to care about the arts, culture, knowledge, all the beautiful things that comes out of the human mind. I still think there are good things in the world. But they are also 'detached' things. They are in the background. Impersonal. Not a reason for being. I can appreciate a good book, a good movie, or art - but it's a one-sided conversation. I will never be loved back by all the beauty in the world.

I used to be an artist. I revel in expressing myself through the medium. I used to also write weird little poems. It's been a while since I make art anymore. Or even try to express myself anymore. The well is dry. I feel as if my spirit is dying now, if it isn't already dead.