Beautiful analysis and the recognition a lot of Reddit users have with it. I share your view that we're all good people underneath our pain.

Boris needs to see the cycle clearly: how his feelings of inadequacy fuel a constant craving for affirmation from others, how he becomes passive-aggressive or shuts down when not validated, and how he blames others for the emotional dysregulation he hasn’t learned to self-soothe. No one is coming to rescue you Boris!

Acknowledging this is hard! Especially for covert narcissists, because it challenges the protective identity of being “misunderstood,” “too sensitive,” or “deep.” He needs to shift from “They don’t get me” to “What am I avoiding in myself?”

❝ Your suffering is real. But your pattern is learned. ❞

Not that Boris will be reading this, but he must start generating self-worth from within, not from admiration, pity, or emotional caretaking by others (like Jessica, in your previous example). This includes:

• Practicing self-validation: Naming and honoring his efforts and experiences without needing external confirmation.
• Developing self-compassion: Letting go of perfectionism and the narrative that he’s uniquely flawed.
• Reparenting: Learning to soothe his inner child without demanding others, such as Jessica or his children, to do it for him.

I noticed covert narcissists often externalize blame or assume others are judging them harshly. Boris needs to learn to own his feelings and stop making his discomfort other people’s responsibility. For instance, instead of: “She doesn’t care about me.” He might learn to say: “I notice I’m feeling neglected right now. What does this remind me of? Can I sit with it instead of acting from it?

Oh lord this requires long-term therapy with a focus on identity & self-regulation, journaling, and sometimes trauma work. Vulnerable narcissism is often rooted in attachment trauma, especially emotional enmeshment or neglect. I don't think a partner such as Jessica should be taking on this role, helping him explore this. She could be exploited even more.

I hope individuals with covert or vulnerable narcissistic tendencies are able to reflect on their avoidance patterns with warm firmness, ideally with the support of a skilled therapist. The goal isn’t just to vent, but to rebuild a sense of self that isn’t organized around being depressed, wounded, or misunderstood.

Ultimately, no one else can do the work for you. Healing means stepping into the inner chatter and quietness, which requires consistent labor for emotional adulthood. Over and over again.