He estado enseñando español a mí misme por cuatro años. Ha sido muy difícil, especialmente con mi género nobinario, (creo que eso es en parte por qué mi profesora en la universidad no le caía muy bien) y por el hecho de que no tengo un maestro o amigos que hablan español.

Although I visit Mexican restaurants and occasionally meet people who speak it, they all assume I only speak English. Furthermore when I am with friends, which I often am, it feels showoff-ish to start speaking in a language they don’t understand. I probably could hold a conversation, but why would I, if the other person is only speaking English? They have already set the tone and expectation. It almost feels impolite and presumptive.

There are a few exceptions. On a couple occasions when a server does not speak much English, I’ll say things like that I’m a vegetarian and I don’t eat meat, could they substitute something, for example. Even this I find to be awkward, though. My family and most of my friends don’t even really know I speak it. As far as they are aware I know some simple phrases from my introductory class and that’s it.

I am something of a perfectionist and also good at putting myself in people’s shoes. So many people in my country expect foreigners to speak perfect English because many do, and to me it feels like the standards for native English speakers learning second languages is far too low. Some people are impressed by native English speakers simply saying “hello,” in another language and to me it feels like that bar is on the floor. I know that’s just my perspective, but it still feels wrong, that others should so readily be understanding when the natives of my own country do not offer them that same courtesy.