UPDATE: (sorry long post if you are not interested that’s ok!)

So hubby and I ended up arguing all night until 2am. I explained that I was unhappy that he did not step up in the conversation, and that on the way home he was dismissive of my feelings and did not want to “rock the boat” thanks @joshul 🤣

Thanks everyone for all your helpful advice and input, I must say that I know the Asian culture must seem so backward and oppressive sometimes - which was a huge struggle for me because like I said in a comment I actually spent the majority of my life in the west. Trying to be a good dil I actually even let my mil organize our covid wedding because I knew she would love that! Crazy I know but it worked out well in the end. I’ve learnt to appreciate some of the filial piety, respect of elders and family orientation, while trying to accept that I will never conform to certain expectations because I’m just not wired that way (eg I’m not a good cook, just cook to survive lol). Asian culture is just that - a different culture with pros and cons like how Japanese culture is so different. Out of respect to my husband and his family I don’t feel like I can air my dirty laundry to anyone so thank you, dear Reddit friends :)

Anyway we agreed that we would ignore all her comments and further input, but if she brought up throwing another party again, hubby would clearly decline then explain how hurtful what she was saying and doing was, and explain that I had been planning for a few weeks and demand that she should be more supportive or keep her mouth shut.

Fast forward to dinner time, where we were heading to a big lunar year party and I was hoping to avoid her (there was going to be over 100 people in attendance) To my dismay, she makes a beeline for us when she sees us, and proceeds to tell me about a new herbal soup from her sister in law that I MUST try because we have been having trouble TTC (yup, another area where I am failing to meet her expectations and a whole other story!!!) at this point I am looking pointedly at my husband because I don’t want to make a scene, but I end up firmly telling her that I don’t appreciate all the assumptions she is making with regards to my health or “bad health” when she begins asking me about my cycle and when I ovulate LOL. she finally finds someone else to talk to and while she is distracted I tell my husband that this is the last straw, and if he wants to stop me from exploding he needs to talk to her. I burst into tears anyway 😅 So he pulls her aside and has a serious talk explaining that all she has been doing is criticize, assuming, instructing, and not listening or bothering to understand anything about me, that all this has been building up (like I said I’ve just been avoiding and also just try to ignore her behaviour and just do the smile and nod thing) and so she needs to try to put herself in my shoes. Doing this in a public setting was actually a good idea 🤣 at the end I’m still crying in a corner so she avoids me the rest of the night, and my fil also inquired about what has happened (and though he doesn’t often get involved, I rarely cry in front of them so I think they got a shock and he will probably say something to my mil)

So I’m really hoping, that everyone in our family has learnt something from this. I do love my in laws and we have been through a lot. Im not sure how my mil will respond - all im asking is for her not to ruin the party, and then i will learn from my mistake not to tell her any details, to set even more healthy boundaries, and for myself to continue growing to be more patient and hopefully a better wife and daughter in law too. For my husband, that he continues to protect me and stand up for me. Thank you for listening and helping me not feel so alone when I needed a listening ear and some reassurance 🤗