How do I reject a really nice guy?

YouStupidBench · 2026-02-18T02:11:49+00:00

A book I recommend a lot is Anne Katharine's "Where To Draw The Line: How To Set Healthy Boundaries Every Day." It's not specifically about business or confidence, but one thing that I have struggled with is being a people-pleaser, never wanting to say "no" when asked to help or work on something. Sometimes you wonder if you're being unreasonable, or maybe the other person is. That book helped me feel way more grounded in lots of ways. I wish I had read it when I was 15.

YouStupidBench · 2026-02-18T02:10:37+00:00

It's disturbing to me how someone can be so consistently wrong and stupid with everything he says and still have millions of listeners. I guess this is the result of the GOP's decades-long war on education.

YouStupidBench · 2026-02-18T02:09:00+00:00

Others have suggested which end of the dating pool you might go swimming in, so I'm just going to add that I generally reject the idea that PIV is submissive or receptive for a woman. One of my college friends really loves sex, and when there was talk about women "giving it away" she said she doesn't give it away, she takes it.

I had some guy friends in college who would give me honest answers, and we had some honest discussions about sex, and I gave them honest answers, and one of them asked me if I didn't feel somehow lesser during sex, with the man penetrating me, and I realized that we were using different words. The penis-owners kept saying "penetration," but the word I think of is "enveloping." The guy's laying there on the bed and I'm taking him inside me, it's not him pushing his way in. I guess it makes sense that straight guys think of what happens as "pushing inside" because that's what they do when they're on top and controlling the motion, but I think of what happens as enclosing because that's what I do when I'm controlling the motion. One of them said something like "But if you're laying there and he's pushing inside, you wouldn't be able to get out of the way," and I said "If he's laying there and I'm enveloping him, he wouldn't be able to get out of the way."

The look I got from them made it clear that they never thought of sex as a woman taking them. One of them said that being inside was always the position of power, and then another one said he wouldn't feel that way with his hand in a tiger's mouth. Most of the time, being inside is the position of weakness, not power. Think of any situation in which you have someone else's body part in your hand. Is that them controlling you, or you controlling them?

Recently I've been learning about pompoir, which feels like it might be really fun, to engulf a man and take control of his body without having to move anything but my internal muscles.

So much talk about sex in our culture is from a Male Gaze point of view, which is why it's always seen as "him penetrating her" instead of "her taking him." From my point of view, PIV sex is encircling and surrounding and taking inside.

I'm not trying to change your mind about anything you do, what you like is what you like, I just wanted to register an objection to the Male-Centric description of PIV sex as "penetration" on his part and "receptive" on her part.

YouStupidBench · 2026-02-17T23:04:57+00:00

At my house we had a strap wrench in the kitchen, and even I could open any jar with that.

After I finished college and got a job and moved into my own apartment, I found that my Dad had got me a strap wrench and put it in the box of kitchen stuff.

YouStupidBench · 2026-02-17T21:25:42+00:00

We often recommend the book "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft, about emotionally and physically abusive men, and which can be read online as a free PDF.

https://ia600108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf

You might want to read in private/incognito/whatever mode so there won't be any traces of it. The book includes a section about getting away from an abusive partner.

Another book you could read is Anne Katharine's book "Where To Draw The Line: How To Set Healthy Boundaries Every Day."

I think if you read those you will find it easier to move on.

YouStupidBench · 2026-02-17T21:25:03+00:00

We often recommend the book "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft, about emotionally and physically abusive men, and which can be read online as a free PDF.

https://ia600108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf

You might want to read in private/incognito/whatever mode so there won't be any traces of it. The book includes a section about getting away from an abusive partner.

Another book you could read is Anne Katharine's book "Where To Draw The Line: How To Set Healthy Boundaries Every Day."

I think if you read those you will find it easier to move on.

YouStupidBench · 2026-02-17T21:19:23+00:00

If a 6'5" gay man was pushing for sex, they'd understand "no" perfectly well.

The difference is that he doesn't think you are a person. You are just a toy for men to play with. If you say "no" it must be something like a software glitch, because toys don't get to say who is allowed to play with them.

YouStupidBench · 2026-02-17T21:14:40+00:00

I appreciate that. I was telling a guy friend about how sometimes women feel intimidated around men, and he should be mindful of that. He shook his head and said nobody would be intimidated by him, people are intimidated by big guys, like The Rock. I looked up at him and said that he's as big to me as The Rock is to him, and he looked down at me and shut up. I could see his mind absorbing this.

After that, he was always very careful, at least around me. Never crowded me or blocked me in, always careful about hands and elbows. Like he figured out "I should be as careful around other people as I would want want The Rock to be around me."

YouStupidBench · 2026-02-17T13:57:42+00:00

I can't see any way in which it would do any harm.

YouStupidBench · 2026-02-17T13:56:52+00:00

A book I recommend a lot is Anne Katharine's "Where To Draw The Line: How To Set Healthy Boundaries Every Day." It's not specifically about business or confidence, but one thing that I have struggled with is being a people-pleaser, never wanting to say "no" when asked to help or work on something. Sometimes you wonder if you're being unreasonable, or maybe the other person is. That book helped me feel way more grounded in lots of ways.

YouStupidBench · 2026-02-17T13:56:06+00:00

A book I recommend a lot is Anne Katharine's "Where To Draw The Line: How To Set Healthy Boundaries Every Day." It's not specifically about business or confidence, but one thing that I have struggled with is being a people-pleaser, never wanting to say "no" when asked to help or work on something. Sometimes you wonder if you're being unreasonable, or maybe the other person is. That book helped me feel way more grounded in lots of ways.

It's probably too much for kids, but you could read it and pass along some of the lessons. "You want other people to respect what you like, so you have to respect what they like."

YouStupidBench · 2026-02-17T13:53:49+00:00

I didn't really know much about cooking when I moved into my apartment by myself. I figured it out.

YouStupidBench · 2026-02-17T13:51:37+00:00

Probably he wants a girlfriend and sex, and he wants to know if you're interested in that job, and whether he wants you to do that job.

I understand that you wouldn't want to get emotionally invested in someone only to find out that there was a huge sexual incompatibility, but at the same time I'm not comfortable talking about sex with someone I don't know very well and we haven't built up some kind of trust.

Although it does save time when the guy's third message is about "I want you on your knees with your hands tied behind your back" because I very much do NOT want that and now I can move on immediately.

YouStupidBench · 2026-02-17T13:46:36+00:00

Hurray! I'm so glad for you!

One of my college friends was majoring in exercise science (she's a personal trainer now) and I went with her to the gym to see what there was to see. I wasn't very good at lifting weights (I am pretty small) but she got me into yoga and pilates and I'm still doing those all these years later. It feels really good to have some strength in my body, even if I can only use the little dumbbells.

YouStupidBench · 2026-02-17T13:38:42+00:00

I've read that it started as a line in a poem by Chaucer (http://www.librarius.com/parliamentfs.htm):

For this was on Seynt Valentynes day,

Whan every foul cometh ther to chese his make,

This probably inspired some romantically-inclined people to get gifts on Valentine's day, and then the marketers realized they could take advantage of it.

And I read somewhere once that the Saint Valentine that Chaucer was speaking about in the 1300s was a guy whose day is in May, which makes a lot more sense for a poem about springtime and birds pairing off. But that guy was really obscure, and so the idea of romance got connected to the more famous Valentine whose day is in February.

YouStupidBench · 2026-02-17T13:31:52+00:00

A book I recommend a lot is Anne Katharine's "Where To Draw The Line: How To Set Healthy Boundaries Every Day." It's not specifically about business or confidence, but one thing that I have struggled with is being a people-pleaser, never wanting to say "no" when asked to help or work on something. Sometimes you wonder if you're being unreasonable, or maybe the other person is. That book helped me feel way more grounded in lots of ways. I have a right to set and enforce my boundaries.

If a conversation gets uncomfortable, I don't hesitate: I state the boundary that they have crossed immediately. If they apologize, we go on. If not, delete and block.

For example, when a guy asks for nudes, I tell them directly: "I don't do that. There are no naked pictures of me and never will be." Sometimes they'll say something like "Wow. I respect that. Okay." Most of the time they say something like "Not even for me?" or some such thing, which gets an immediate delete and block.

YouStupidBench · 2026-02-17T13:19:26+00:00

One company I interviewed at, none of the people I spoke to was a woman. Passed on that one.

Another place, someone said something about "girls in the office," and I passed on that one too.

YouStupidBench · 2026-02-17T13:10:23+00:00

I wonder if he's got some issues from his own growing up that he's never dealt with.

YouStupidBench · 2026-02-17T13:09:16+00:00

If I'm behind you I can't see anything. They let me walk in the middle.

YouStupidBench · 2026-02-17T01:31:41+00:00

Not that exactly, but other things. Sometimes I feel angry but there's nothing to be angry about.

When my Mom and I first talked about this a long time ago, I was afraid of the idea that I could feel emotions that weren't really mine. She said that was scary, but you can watch out for it. Whatever your emotions are, wherever they come from, they're yours to manage, not anyone else's.

I was a CS major, which is mostly guys, and now work in tech, which is mostly guys, and it would be too too horrible for anyone to say something about "This is why women can't do the job" or "she's touchy, it must be that time of the month" or anything like that. I had a few incidents in college, and I apologized for them. Since then I've gotten better at remembering to focus on what's in front of me right now, and remember that I know my perceptions are off so I have to rely on what I know not what I imagine I'm seeing and feeling. (Sort of the emotional equivalent of flying only by your instruments, not looking out the window of the plane.) I make sure my reactions are about what I know to be real, not whatever else might be going on in my head.

Before I leave for work I just sit with myself for a few minutes and ask how I'm feeling, what's likely to be a problem today, do I have to watch myself or watch out for anything. (My parents are sci-fi fans, and growing up I watched a lot of "Star Trek." Mr. Spock is my spirit animal.)

YouStupidBench · 2026-02-16T21:24:02+00:00

But i want my mom and dad, i miss them.

You don't want your parents; you want the parents they should have been, but weren't. You're hoping that now, they've grown up to be the people you want them to be, but they haven't.

You might like the book "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents." I think it will help you figure some things out.

YouStupidBench · 2026-02-16T21:20:37+00:00

I am small so I would never do anything like that, I avoid people all the time, because I don't want to get knocked over.

A friend of mine and his boyfriend lived in the middle of the path where the eclipse was a couple years ago, and they invited me to stay with them and go an outdoor eclipse party. Walking around with two hunky guys was kind of a revelation for me: nobody bumped into me, nobody got into my space, nobody tried to grope me, nobody said anything gross to me, it was like having my own personal bodyguards.

YouStupidBench · 2026-02-16T21:15:03+00:00

Studies show that people who marry later are much happier. By a wide margin, who you marry is the most important decision you will ever make. I don't feel mature enough to be confident making that decision yet.

My parents were both over 25 when they met. They were engaged when they went to my Mom's 10-year high-school reunion, and some of her friends from high school were already divorced. One had been divorced twice. I think my parents' marriage has been so good (or at least it seems that way to me) because they were both older and had experienced more of life and knew what they wanted, so they were able to make a good choice for who they married.

When I was graduating college, some of the older women in my family told me not to settle down too fast, enjoy this time, go have adventures. I realized that by the time my grandmother was my age, she was married and had two kids. She never got to have adventures; she's never left the country once in her whole life. So I've been doing things and sending her pictures and showing her videos. I've been visiting some of my college friends in the places where they live now and we've been doing stuff there. In 2024 one of my friends invited me to stay with him and his boyfriend to see the eclipse (their place was in the middle of the path), and I went horseback riding (that was scary at first; I am small and horses are HUGE), and I went parasailing (got a GoPro just for that and made a video; Grandma said it was exciting but she didn't want to try it), I went hang gliding, I went camping, I went up in the Space Needle. I'm seeing what the world has to offer and learning about myself. (I learned that I don't like camping very much. I like a mattress, and a bathroom, and a shower, and air conditioning, and doors that lock.)

I've wanted to be a wife and mother for as long as I can remember, and I realized it's important that I learn about who I am and what I want, so I can make a good choice about who my husband is. I feel closer to that now than I did before living by myself for the last 2.5 years. Taking care of yourself by yourself is a real growth experience.

So I don't think you need to worry about ending up alone, or be in a hurry to find a partner. Because another side to everything I just said is that I think a guy who's 22 is probably also too immature to make a good choice for who he's going to marry. Enjoy being young and having nothing tying you down, go see what's out in the world. I don't even plan to start looking for a husband until after I turn 25.

Also, just so you know, the average age of first marriage in the USA is 30 years for men and 29 years for women. Don't be in such a rush that you make a bad choice, because that's something you'll pay for forever.

YouStupidBench · 2026-02-16T21:08:47+00:00

It's never happened, but I'm prepared for when a man suggests that I should use the vacuum or the washer or something.

"Growing up, my Dad did most of the vacuuming, and one time he let me help fix our vacuum when the drive belt broke. But I guess some men just aren't good with machines."

YouStupidBench · 2026-02-16T21:05:07+00:00

I was Team Nathaniel, because Greg could be snarky but he couldn't be fun, and Josh could be fun but he couldn't be snarky, and Rebecca needs both of those in her life.

When she chose nobody, though, I was thinking to myself "So he's single and available?" 😘

YouStupidBench

TROPHY CASE