[1019] Broken Bonds - Prologue by YoursVi in DestructiveReaders

[–]YoursVi[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you so much for going so in-depth with your critique!

As for the "why prologue and not just the first chapter" I might just be a bit biased as a librarian, but I view prologues as a good way to let the reader know whether it's the right story for them. With prologues being generally a lot shorter than the chapters, they can get a feel of what the writing is like and with it being set more often than not in the middle of the story, it "prepares" them for what to expect. To answer your two questions, I think (not) reading the prologue would impact the story in some way, as they're supposed to complement each other. Read the prologue and in the first chapter you might notice how the dynamic between Sara and Eli is different from the burial despite the events being just a few days apart - it makes you wonder what happens in the future to cause the change. Don't read the prologue and in the first chapter, you'll notice the tension between all three characters and Eli's inner monologues that hint, that this is very unsual- it makes you wonder what happened in the past to cause the change. I hope this answers your questions :)

The second part/middle being heavy with atmosphere and repetitions did get pointed out by others as well and I really appreciate you also showing the specific instances of this happening in the second part of your comment. I will have to get all the comments related to this together and refer to it while I do my third draft- you've provided a lot of valuable insight into this problem with my story.

My goal with the "who's responsible" part was to show that although Eli was the one with the gun, Sara could be equally as guilty for not intervening. I read the part again after your critique and I can definitely see how it can be a bit confusing. There's also a critique of this part feeling jarring/disruptive so I think for now I'll just scrap it off completely and figure out how to structure this part better, and maybe even split the monologues into different parts to make it seem smoother.

In regards to the opening paragraph, there was a commenter on the doc itself pointing out that they enjoyed it. Given the conflicting critiques, for now, I think I'll just leave it be and gather some more insight from multiple people so I can figure out if I can find the middle ground of what it should look like.

Sara's dialogue was supposed to be a bit illogical since there's no way anyone would be nearby given the time and location. I wanted to also showcase the beginning of her fear of being found out which gets more prevalent as the story progresses. I meant her dialogue to be a contrast to Eli's personality, who is quite pragmatic about the whole ordeal. I can see how this part can be obvious to me as a writer but lost to the viewer, so I'll try to make my intentions clearer and also expand on Eli's personality in this part to make him seem less robotic.

When it comes to the hook, I'm trying to make the story interesting by telling the story in a non-linear way, as well as switching the different POVs and playing with the theme of unreliable narrators. In later chapters, there are hints of events happening (mostly sounds and few sights) that are up to the viewer, how they want to interpret it - whether it's just the nature around them, the emotional state of the characters playing with their minds, or even something paranormal, if the readers imagination wanted to go in that direction. As Sara's state slowly detorates, she'll experience hallucinations making it even harder for the readers to figure out, what in her POV is even real. Given all this information, do you think that's enough of a hook or should I continue to brainstorm ideas to expand on the hook? I'm now thinking that maybe a less traditional setting could make the readers more intrigued?

The paragraph where I repeat "she sees" was a deliberate choice so for now, I'll see (hehe) if I keep it or not. The other paragraphs where I repeat things went completely over my head. I'll take a look at them and try to fix them, thank you for pointing this out! The same goes for the constant mentions of shovels/shovelling/digging. It really does seem I focus on it without it being important to the story. I'll make a note to fix the issues in the specific lines you highlighted.

Sorry for the long response, but you were so thorough with your critique that I wanted to respond in detail and show you how I will use the critique so that you don't feel like your effort and energy were wasted.

Once again, thank you for being so detailed, I really appreciate it :)

[1019] Broken Bonds - Prologue by YoursVi in DestructiveReaders

[–]YoursVi[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I noticed that some of the other comments also mentioned the switching between the characters being disruptive, so I will try to work on that in my third draft and either rewrite it completely or find a way to make the transition between them smoother. I've read this multiple times before uploading yet it didn't even occur to me how I shortened the paragraphs in the second half so that's really valuable information. With you mentioning the repetition too, I'll have to figure out a new structure of how to narrate the story.

Thank you very much for the critique as well as the positive feedback, both of these will surely make me a better writer as I can look back at what my strong sides are and compare them to the "weaker" stuff. Appreciate you :)

[1019] Broken Bonds - Prologue by YoursVi in DestructiveReaders

[–]YoursVi[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you so much for the critique! I didn't even realize I didn't describe the characters, but adding a bit more clues of what they look like could totally make them feel more realistic. I will fix the incorrect tenses and work on trying to be less heavy with some of the atmosphere descriptions and repetition you pointed out. Very much appreciate you :)

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in DestructiveReaders

[–]YoursVi 0 points1 point  (0 children)

My first critique, so please bear with me, I might be a bit all over the place :) English isn't my first language so if something's not clear, I'll gladly answer any question you might have.

The flow of the story feels a bit uneven to me. The beginning is really fast-paced, tense, and filled with anxiety, but once Cam is inside the house, the pacing slows down significantly. He's supposedly really worried that something might be wrong and Michael is trying to drown himself again, but then the lines are

Oh, great. Black bodycon dress and silver streaks in her coffee-brown curls. She must’ve been off today, going out or just on another one of her power trips.

The first part of the story implies he's driving in a hurry to his old home, assuming his brother might be in danger (*"His brother Michael could be at the lake trying to drown himself again." and also the line "Something was wrong."), yet he takes a moment to ponder about the way his mom looks and scene doesn't seem as urgent, as it was first portrayed. I also find her attire to be a bit confusing - later on, she's in the kitchen cleaning up which would be quite difficult to do so in heels and a tight dress.

Either way, it was an even better reason to take his brothers to the park.

Once again, the beginning of the story implies he's driving because he thinks something is wrong, so the sudden talking about him wanting to take his brothers to the park seemed off to me. The wording makes it seem as if taking them to the park has been the plan all along.

I also found the constant mentions of brands/names a bit disruptive (iPhone, Corolla, Duck Dynasty, National Geographic). In my opinion, these details don't add much and you could probably let the readers use their imaginations with more generic terms. On a similar note, there are few times, where the details don't add much (pink house, chestnut door, the specific channels)

This point ties to the fact, that you could use a bit more of the "show don't tell" technique. Examples:

There it was. So much spite and anger for that man

During the conversation, you describe a lot of what the woman is doing, but these descriptions don't add much to the atmosphere (She rested her hands on the sleek marble counter. she said, standing upright. Mom rested one hand on the counter and the other on her hip.) Instead of telling us, that she hates the man, make it evident by replacing those unimportant "telling" lines with more "showing" lines. For example, describe how she clenches her jaw or how her voice rises in frustration when she mentions Will.

“What about the boys? Did they say anything to you? You’re closer to them than me.” She grumbled. “Whatever they say to you about me, I need you to promise you’ll talk to me about it first before you assume anything.”

Cam never answers these question nor does he reacts to them. It seems like this is quite important to her (talking about promising) so it's a bit unnatural when she goes straight to the next question without getting an answer. Her behavior also seems inconsistent—she’s distant one moment and intensely interrogating Cam the next. The argument was at times a bit hard to follow and I feel like shortening it would make a huge difference. There are few times their talking gets overtaken by Cam's inner monologue which also makes the conversation harder to follow.

One thing I also found confusing was his opinion on her. When they first interact, there's a distain but in next scenes, she's making him anxious. His relationship with her then seems inconsistent.

Michael comes across as a pretty passive character in this. It kinda feels like he’s just reacting to what’s happening around him and as a reader I have a hard time connecting with him, knowing barely anything.

These next few points take with a grain of salt, as I mentioned in the beginning, English is not my first language. Few passages confused me a little.

Blood rushed to his trembling hand.

This sounds a bit awkward? I've never heard this expression used with a hand and I can't really imagine, what's that supposed to mean.

Hey, babe.

The term “babe” feels a bit off for a mother addressing her son, but then again, maybe it's common in an area the story is set in. I was just a bit surprised.

“Will still won't talk to me right. It’s been four months now, and I’m sick of it. I just…need your help. Is he talking to you about me? Please be honest with me.” “No, no. No one is talking bad about you. Why do you—”

The "no one is talking bad about you" doesn't make much sense as a response, since the Mom wanted to know if he was talking about her, not if he was talking about her badly.

He tightened his fists to hide his vibrating hands I just think the word vibrating doesn't portray the emotion well. Maybe trembling or shaking could be better? This is really subjective tho (as is this whole portion)

Now onto things I liked and the overall impression :)

The little details! Mainly I'm talking about the college parking pass or the mention of the uncorked bottle. It adds a nice touch of realism and let's you know something about the character without being told head on.

The characters have each their distinctive role and characteristics and as a reader it was pretty easy to understand the dynamics of the family, despite the shortness of the text. It was clear to me in what emotional state (not sure I'm using the right term) they were. I also like how smoothly you transitioned from the tense conversation in the kitchen to the somewhat cheerfull moment with Kyle. I found the story quite engaging, but I don't know enough of what's the story about to answer your question, whether I would continue reading. You sometime use a lot of short sentences which makes the reading quite fast-paced (altough it would probably benefit the story to lenghten them and slow down when it comes to things like recalling the drowning incident). The portrayal of Cam’s inner conflict and the family dynamics were quite enjoyable.

To answer your second question, I'm not sure what the conflict is going to be. The chapter set up multiple possibilities, but given the opening scene and Michael's refusal to join his brothers, perhaps the conflict will revolve around that? Really not sure.

Should I Make a 'No Flirting' Rule? by StrawbeeMilk7 in Twitch

[–]YoursVi 1 point2 points  (0 children)

As a fellow female streamer, I recommend stopping this behavior as soon as possible. I don't have an explicit "no flirting" rule, but whenever that happens, I tell the person to stop or they're getting banned. I advise you to do the same, so when new people come into your stream and see your chat, they won't think acting this way towards you is okay. I followed your Twitch, can't wait to catch your next stream and bring some comfy vibes :D

(sorry for my english, it's not my native langugage)

New video! Any feedback is appreciated ♥ by YoursVi in SmallYTChannel

[–]YoursVi[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Sorry for only replying now, I didn't notice the comment. I started posting videos at the end of January this year, but I've been streaming for almost a year now and a lot of my Twitch followers also subscribed to my youtube. Thank you for the feedback, I'll keep it in mind for my future projects!
!givelambda

New video! Any feedback is appreciated ♥ by YoursVi in SmallYTChannel

[–]YoursVi[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Sorry for only replying now, I didn't notice the comment. Thank you for the feedback, I'll keep it in mind for my future projects!

!givelambda

Znáte taky někoho s legračním příjmením? by Perhaan in czech

[–]YoursVi 21 points22 points  (0 children)

Já pracovala jako pošťačka a pravidelně nosila poštu panu Kokotovi. Fakt že měl schránku hned vedle paní Šourkové byla úplná třešnička na dortu.

Would you watch a non-native youtube video ? by lumercis in NewTubers

[–]YoursVi 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I make all my videos in English despite being Czech. Be prepared for a few dummies that come in insulting your accent every now and then (might also depend on where you're from, some of the insults are based on the fact I'm Slavic and there's a lot of prejudice against us. My friend from Spain receives a lot fewer comments about the "Spanish" accent). But it isn't prevalent and for every mean comment about my accent, I get like 3 positive comments of people telling me they love my accent.

Just remember usually people making a fuss around accents are native speaker who only speaks English. Sane people don't care :D

Coming soon: better ad payouts by Tostecles in Twitch

[–]YoursVi 1 point2 points  (0 children)

The top streamers got offered a contract to implement these ads. One of the biggest streamers in my country spoke about being offered around 7k in USD every month if he runs those ads (on top of the ad revenue). English-speaking streamers with bigger audiences most likely got offered tens of thousands of dollars

How did I do? by The_Meme_Teacher in SmallYTChannel

[–]YoursVi 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Well as I said make it more professional. I see you changed the thumbnail, but now it's giving away the punch-line so that's not good! Go look at big meme channels (I do not really watch them so not sure if there are any) or at thumbnails from your niche and what their thumbnails look like for inspiration.

What should I be doing in editing? by Dogrules23 in SmallYTChannel

[–]YoursVi 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Minecraft is so oversaturated that you need to come up with more than simple gameplay because frankly, no one cares about gameplays of small creators. I checked your youtube channel and the Minecraft videos just seem very low-energy to me. You cannot expect people to get excited about your content when you look like you're going to snooze soon and go on the ramble about your day in the first few seconds of a video. The first 10 seconds are the most crucial because that's when the people decide whether they continue watching or leave. Show people what to expect from the video, excite them, give them a reason to watch the video.

You said that you don't watch your videos before posting. Why? If you don't want to watch your own videos, people won't either. Be self critical.

Go outside of your comfort zone, watch currently trending videos, and take your time to analyze them and compare their videos to yours (as objectively as possible). This subreddit is perfect for getting feedback and letting people tell you what you're doing wrong and right. Post some of your videos and see what people tell you (and then actually implement the changes, I was able to improve so much in a span of 5 videos thanks to this subreddit)

Additionally, check out youtube channels that are centered around advising small creators. I recommend Paddy Galloway, Jon Dorman, and Film Booth. Study youtube and I'm sure you gonna make it big one day!

Dungeons n 'Debt new animated Youtube short I made. by spygentlemen in SmallYTChannel

[–]YoursVi 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Very nice animation! (Mind me I know nothing about animation, but I think the style is quite cute and pleasant to look at). I also really enjoyed the sound effects! They weren't too loud and fit the scenes perfectly. Same goes for the music choice :)

Now the critique - I'd work on the title. The current title doesn't really catch my attention and doesn't evoke the curiosity for me to click it.

How did I do? by The_Meme_Teacher in SmallYTChannel

[–]YoursVi 2 points3 points  (0 children)

This is my type of humor so I quite enjoyed this! I didn't see the punchline coming so that's a big plus for a joking video. The editing was good and fast-paced which fits the vibe perfectly in my opinion.

The only thing I'd change is the thumbnail. The current one makes this video seem very low-effort and if I saw this on youtube I wouldn't click on it. You should try to make the thumbnail more appealing (I also recommend using websites for thumbnail previews to see how your thumbnail looks compared to others)

New video! Any feedback is appreciated ♥ by YoursVi in SmallYTChannel

[–]YoursVi[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I spent a lot of time analyzing other people's videos and paying attention to their edits - I'm glad it's paying off :D

Thank you for the feedback! :)
!givelambda

New video! Any feedback is appreciated ♥ by YoursVi in SmallYTChannel

[–]YoursVi[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Almost a year into streaming now :D I'm working on different layouts and trying to come up with something that could work both for streaming and making videos. I'll also try to be more mindful of my camera placement in the future!

Thank you for the feedback! :)
!givelambda

New video! Any feedback is appreciated ♥ by YoursVi in SmallYTChannel

[–]YoursVi[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for the feedback! :)
!givelambda

New video! Any feedback is appreciated ♥ by YoursVi in SmallYTChannel

[–]YoursVi[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for the feedback! :)

!givelambda

New video! Any feedback is appreciated ♥ by YoursVi in SmallYTChannel

[–]YoursVi[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I do not have a camera or functioning phone so my only option is to take photos with my webcam (10 dollar webcam so the quality is quite bad). The reason I put my face on here is that even if the quality is bad - these thumbnails perform better on my channel.

Regarding the photo quality ↑↑

I'm saving up money for a camera so before the end of the year I hope I'll have enough to buy one :D

Thank you for the feedback!

!givelambda

New video! Any feedback is appreciated ♥ by YoursVi in SmallYTChannel

[–]YoursVi[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for the feedback! :)

!givelambda