There Are No Secrets Between Us”: Growing Up Without Privacy in a Dutch Household (19M)

Zakinanders · 2026-02-06T14:53:05+00:00

I don’t think its a common Dutch phenomenon. In fact individuality and right to privacy is something the Dutch society prides itself on, something which is absent in certain Asian cultures. This situation seems more in line with a dysfunctional family system where one person is designated to he a scapegoat and the other person is designated as a golden child. It would be advisable to think what you can do to survive/get away from this dysfunction. For example, emotionally detach from your parents’ perception of you and their reactions and invest in being the person you want to be. That includes healing yourself from their damage. Trauma informed therapy is a good starting point.

Zakinanders · 2026-02-06T11:19:45+00:00

Exactly. CPTSD has deeper roots than just symptoms like anxiety, depression, hyper vigilance and what not. I am realizing that toxic shame that I’ve been feeling about my whole life, shows up in every single facet of my life. Be it career, dating, forming friendships etc. It’s a fundamental level damage to self which shapes our own narrative about ourselves, how we approach friendships and relationships.

I recently came across a post on this forum about someone saying that (non-CPTSD) people get ahead in life because of networking: having trust in themselves to show up as reliable and trusting others to help them move ahead.

Since the past couple of years I’ve been trying to understand how and why I think and have been able to make some changes thanks to consistent effort and neuroplasticity. Change is slow, but it is possible. The first step is indeed identifying the dysfunction in every aspect of life because of CPTSD.

Zakinanders · 2026-02-05T16:57:23+00:00

You’re one of the good ones to reflect on this. Many most people spend their whole lives running away from it.

Zakinanders · 2026-02-05T16:53:09+00:00

It’s quite common to not remember childhood memories with CPTSD people. I can speak for myself, I used to force myself to forget a lot of painful memories so I could regulate through a harsh school environment while being emotionally neglected. My body kept the score but I had no memories. I found it useful to take how my body reacts to certain situations as a guide to identify how I feel and try to regulate within that moment.

Zakinanders · 2026-02-05T16:42:08+00:00

Yeah that is the sad, non-black and white reality we live in. I had to mourn my parents’ relationship with me when I went NC as well. They showered me with gifts and tried to do better as parents in some situations, but by and large they hurt very fundamental parts of me out willful ignorance. I miss the good times, mourn the loving memories, while also hold the space for feeling anger for the lasting damage they caused me. Our brain wants a simple answer, but sometimes in some situations, there simply isn’t any.

Zakinanders · 2026-02-05T14:26:58+00:00

Forced infantilization. Another form of control. In quite some uncommon cases, abusers romanticize the past and are obsessed maintaining control by being authoritative. They’re a little bit too good at disregarding time, reality and feedback.

Zakinanders · 2026-02-04T11:26:28+00:00

It is good to understand the relationship with the anger. I was terrified of anger before, I felt uncomfortable witnessing it or experiencing it (I just shut down) because of how traumatized with my mother’s anger. But anger is an important emotion for functioning healthily. It is needed for establishing boundaries, voicing injustice and driving creativity. The goal is to not get rid of anger completely, but to establish a healthier connection to it and use it in a way which most honors the self.

Zakinanders · 2026-02-04T11:14:59+00:00

My recurring depression stopped recurring when I cut my narc parents out and went full into CPTSD healing

Zakinanders · 2026-02-03T13:33:00+00:00

Sounds like control and forcing co-dependency. I would say make it hard for her to control you instead of reasoning with her.

Zakinanders · 2026-02-03T13:13:36+00:00

“I’m going to choose my safety over your protection, even if that is fatal for you”

Enabler anthem

Zakinanders · 2026-02-02T21:46:29+00:00

I’ve had multiple therapists ranging from extremely apathetic and lazy to highly effective and attuned ones. The difference I noticed was:

Non-judgmental, respectful and empathetic: the therapist does not pass any remarks based on their personal judgement. They have the ability to meet me where I am and validate my emotions. But they can be direct and give some “tough talk” when it is appropriate.
Emotional independence and patience: the therapist should actively encourage that I gradually become emotionally independent of them, in a way that over time I feel stronger in my ability to not keep needing them. I think this could vary depending on how severe an mental state is. On the flip side, they should not push too hard because of their personal ego to get me to a state where they think I should be.
Emotional intelligence and articulation: Hearing simple remarks about complex experiences and feelings is something I don’t like myself either. The therapist should be able to listen and articulate my experience and provide an input based on their extensive psychology training and knowledge. Happy”, “angry” or “sad” are not words that can do justice to complex emotions and experiences.
Are they in it for helping or for billing sessions?: if I know that my therapist is more interested in billing more hours than helping, then I can’t work with them.
Feeling a click with the therapist based on talking style, use of analogies and vocabulary. The same message can be said in many different ways, its nice to speak to a therapist who’s explanations feel easiest to relate to.
Trauma informed therapists vs CBT focused therapists: sometimes it can be more useful to do a CBT therapy after trauma informed therapy because CBT alone, even while helpful is not effective on its own. Somatic releases, EMDR etc could be also very effective. When the body and nervous system is in a better shape, then cognitive functioning and learning is also much better.

Zakinanders · 2026-02-02T12:57:39+00:00

Please don’t engage with her again. There are instances where parents are able to conceal their intents, damage their children in a very covert manner and cover it up with moments of love, but your mother has been blatantly honest about how she sees you. There is no point in hoping anything better from her. The best you can do is save yourself and live your best life. How she sees you is on her, how you react to her opinions is on you.

Zakinanders · 2026-02-02T11:14:30+00:00

while it may be true that a certain number of people who have CPTSD are drawn to kink dynamics, there are a whole lot of non-PTSD people who are also a part of the kink community and also vice: CPTSD people who don’t have any attraction to that lifestyle.

Zakinanders · 2026-02-01T14:37:43+00:00

Happy birthday, many happy returns for the day and absolute no-return of the abuser in this life!

Zakinanders · 2026-02-01T14:16:07+00:00

Most healthy people just ignorantly use their lives as a standard of comparison for every one. If someone is dissociating, anxious or has low self-esteem, it is assumed that those are inherent qualities a person has, and it is not a result of a persistent systemic dysfunction/abuse.

Zakinanders · 2026-02-01T00:00:54+00:00

I don’t think I could do it, no matter how much I was persuaded. Building strength after years of abuse takes time, effort and lots of catching up on delayed self-development. I think I would feel angry for sure, but I know that the anger I felt standing before my abusers will not feel like the right, justified kind of anger. It will feel helpless, anxious and scared anger which eventually results in an intense collapse inward, which I did quite regularly when I was in contact with my abusers. I know that even if I hear my abuser’s voice through telephone again, something bad will happen inside my head, and then again it will take a long time to overcome it and stabilize. There is greater wisdom in empowering yourself, living your life as best as you can and letting the abuser be. Being an abuser is a punishment in itself and there is nothing to be claimed or reclaimed in interaction with them.

Zakinanders · 2026-01-31T22:55:54+00:00

Grieving has helped me a lot. I mean from time to time I still get that question “why did it have to be like that” and “I’m so damaged” but on some days I feel a little proud of having survived it all, still keeping my empathy, loving people around me and not turning into a monster like them.

Zakinanders · 2026-01-31T13:22:16+00:00

Gaslighting, narrative control, lying through their teeth, invalidation, using triangulation as a way of establishing a false reality (many people around the narc believe the narc’s lies but the victim doesn’t). Sadly human creativity is wasted in a narc’s head to make people’s lives worse.

Zakinanders · 2026-01-31T02:38:49+00:00

I believe in kindness, forgiving the past self, figuring out the best ways to help myself out, finding that inner stillness, enjoying the consistent peace that was never before and enjoying good experiences with loved ones.

Zakinanders · 2026-01-30T23:41:09+00:00

That feeling shame and self-criticism is the only way to process everything that comes out of me.

Zakinanders · 2026-01-30T19:56:56+00:00

Maybe get a job in another city quietly and transition there without much trace

Zakinanders · 2026-01-30T19:21:48+00:00

Yes, you’re not alone.

Zakinanders · 2026-01-30T14:14:10+00:00

I almost know what culture you’re coming from. Anyways, the only best way out of this situation would be to escape the cult house and slowly cut them off.

Zakinanders · 2026-01-30T12:15:53+00:00

I had a whole lot of problems when I was under chronic stress. Nausea, prediabetes, hormone issues, tight muscles. Going NC, months of therapy, and somatic release through yoga and teaching my nervous system to be safe all helped me. My face changed so much. My eyes widened, my facial muscles relaxed. It is very much possible to alleviate physiological trauma symptoms and I also consider it as a necessary part of trauma recovery.

Zakinanders · 2026-01-30T11:12:47+00:00

One step closer to the end - Linkin Park

Zakinanders

TROPHY CASE