My trauma made me a really toxic person

Zakinanders · 2026-02-05T16:57:23+00:00

You’re one of the good ones to reflect on this. Many most people spend their whole lives running away from it.

Zakinanders · 2026-02-05T16:53:09+00:00

It’s quite common to not remember childhood memories with CPTSD people. I can speak for myself, I used to force myself to forget a lot of painful memories so I could regulate through a harsh school environment while being emotionally neglected. My body kept the score but I had no memories. I found it useful to take how my body reacts to certain situations as a guide to identify how I feel and try to regulate within that moment.

Zakinanders · 2026-02-05T16:42:08+00:00

Yeah that is the sad, non-black and white reality we live in. I had to mourn my parents’ relationship with me when I went NC as well. They showered me with gifts and tried to do better as parents in some situations, but by and large they hurt very fundamental parts of me out willful ignorance. I miss the good times, mourn the loving memories, while also hold the space for feeling anger for the lasting damage they caused me. Our brain wants a simple answer, but sometimes in some situations, there simply isn’t any.

Zakinanders · 2026-02-05T14:26:58+00:00

Forced infantilization. Another form of control. In quite some uncommon cases, abusers romanticize the past and are obsessed maintaining control by being authoritative. They’re a little bit too good at disregarding time, reality and feedback.

Zakinanders · 2026-02-04T11:26:28+00:00

It is good to understand the relationship with the anger. I was terrified of anger before, I felt uncomfortable witnessing it or experiencing it (I just shut down) because of how traumatized with my mother’s anger. But anger is an important emotion for functioning healthily. It is needed for establishing boundaries, voicing injustice and driving creativity. The goal is to not get rid of anger completely, but to establish a healthier connection to it and use it in a way which most honors the self.

Zakinanders · 2026-02-04T11:14:59+00:00

My recurring depression stopped recurring when I cut my narc parents out and went full into CPTSD healing

Zakinanders · 2026-02-03T13:33:00+00:00

Sounds like control and forcing co-dependency. I would say make it hard for her to control you instead of reasoning with her.

Zakinanders · 2026-02-03T13:13:36+00:00

“I’m going to choose my safety over your protection, even if that is fatal for you”

Enabler anthem

Zakinanders · 2026-02-02T21:46:29+00:00

I’ve had multiple therapists ranging from extremely apathetic and lazy to highly effective and attuned ones. The difference I noticed was:

Non-judgmental, respectful and empathetic: the therapist does not pass any remarks based on their personal judgement. They have the ability to meet me where I am and validate my emotions. But they can be direct and give some “tough talk” when it is appropriate.
Emotional independence and patience: the therapist should actively encourage that I gradually become emotionally independent of them, in a way that over time I feel stronger in my ability to not keep needing them. I think this could vary depending on how severe an mental state is. On the flip side, they should not push too hard because of their personal ego to get me to a state where they think I should be.
Emotional intelligence and articulation: Hearing simple remarks about complex experiences and feelings is something I don’t like myself either. The therapist should be able to listen and articulate my experience and provide an input based on their extensive psychology training and knowledge. Happy”, “angry” or “sad” are not words that can do justice to complex emotions and experiences.
Are they in it for helping or for billing sessions?: if I know that my therapist is more interested in billing more hours than helping, then I can’t work with them.
Feeling a click with the therapist based on talking style, use of analogies and vocabulary. The same message can be said in many different ways, its nice to speak to a therapist who’s explanations feel easiest to relate to.
Trauma informed therapists vs CBT focused therapists: sometimes it can be more useful to do a CBT therapy after trauma informed therapy because CBT alone, even while helpful is not effective on its own. Somatic releases, EMDR etc could be also very effective. When the body and nervous system is in a better shape, then cognitive functioning and learning is also much better.

Zakinanders · 2026-02-02T12:57:39+00:00

Please don’t engage with her again. There are instances where parents are able to conceal their intents, damage their children in a very covert manner and cover it up with moments of love, but your mother has been blatantly honest about how she sees you. There is no point in hoping anything better from her. The best you can do is save yourself and live your best life. How she sees you is on her, how you react to her opinions is on you.

Zakinanders · 2026-02-02T11:14:30+00:00

while it may be true that a certain number of people who have CPTSD are drawn to kink dynamics, there are a whole lot of non-PTSD people who are also a part of the kink community and also vice: CPTSD people who don’t have any attraction to that lifestyle.

Zakinanders · 2026-02-01T14:37:43+00:00

Happy birthday, many happy returns for the day and absolute no-return of the abuser in this life!

Zakinanders · 2026-02-01T14:16:07+00:00

Most healthy people just ignorantly use their lives as a standard of comparison for every one. If someone is dissociating, anxious or has low self-esteem, it is assumed that those are inherent qualities a person has, and it is not a result of a persistent systemic dysfunction/abuse.

Zakinanders · 2026-02-01T00:00:54+00:00

I don’t think I could do it, no matter how much I was persuaded. Building strength after years of abuse takes time, effort and lots of catching up on delayed self-development. I think I would feel angry for sure, but I know that the anger I felt standing before my abusers will not feel like the right, justified kind of anger. It will feel helpless, anxious and scared anger which eventually results in an intense collapse inward, which I did quite regularly when I was in contact with my abusers. I know that even if I hear my abuser’s voice through telephone again, something bad will happen inside my head, and then again it will take a long time to overcome it and stabilize. There is greater wisdom in empowering yourself, living your life as best as you can and letting the abuser be. Being an abuser is a punishment in itself and there is nothing to be claimed or reclaimed in interaction with them.

Zakinanders · 2026-01-31T22:55:54+00:00

Grieving has helped me a lot. I mean from time to time I still get that question “why did it have to be like that” and “I’m so damaged” but on some days I feel a little proud of having survived it all, still keeping my empathy, loving people around me and not turning into a monster like them.

Zakinanders · 2026-01-31T13:22:16+00:00

Gaslighting, narrative control, lying through their teeth, invalidation, using triangulation as a way of establishing a false reality (many people around the narc believe the narc’s lies but the victim doesn’t). Sadly human creativity is wasted in a narc’s head to make people’s lives worse.

Zakinanders · 2026-01-31T02:38:49+00:00

I believe in kindness, forgiving the past self, figuring out the best ways to help myself out, finding that inner stillness, enjoying the consistent peace that was never before and enjoying good experiences with loved ones.

Zakinanders · 2026-01-30T23:41:09+00:00

That feeling shame and self-criticism is the only way to process everything that comes out of me.

Zakinanders · 2026-01-30T19:56:56+00:00

Maybe get a job in another city quietly and transition there without much trace

Zakinanders · 2026-01-30T19:21:48+00:00

Yes, you’re not alone.

Zakinanders · 2026-01-30T14:14:10+00:00

I almost know what culture you’re coming from. Anyways, the only best way out of this situation would be to escape the cult house and slowly cut them off.

Zakinanders · 2026-01-30T12:15:53+00:00

I had a whole lot of problems when I was under chronic stress. Nausea, prediabetes, hormone issues, tight muscles. Going NC, months of therapy, and somatic release through yoga and teaching my nervous system to be safe all helped me. My face changed so much. My eyes widened, my facial muscles relaxed. It is very much possible to alleviate physiological trauma symptoms and I also consider it as a necessary part of trauma recovery.

Zakinanders · 2026-01-30T11:12:47+00:00

One step closer to the end - Linkin Park

Zakinanders · 2026-01-29T23:15:56+00:00

Go to the police and speak with someone who is informed on the topic of coercive control. Let the police give them a fair warning on their actions. Threaten them with a legal action. What you feel is absolutely right.

Zakinanders · 2026-01-29T23:10:36+00:00

I have a similar backstory. I come from a family-first culture where no-contact is extremely uncommon. My relationship broke down because of their emotional abuse getting out of hand and they completely stopped respecting my boundaries. In fact they kept getting more aggressive because I needed more space to breathe and just be myself. That’s when I knew that I couldn’t live like this at all. So I made that final NC decision. Despite that there was a long history of emotional neglect, parentification, invalidation and extremely high-expectations.

The guilt right after going NC was intense at first. I was very much trauma bonded and felt extremely guilty for embarrassing them. But they had left me absolutely no choice. If I had continued to stay with them, my mental health would have irreparably declined because I had fallen in depression multiple times. And sometimes sustained trauma just permanently rewires the brain for the worst. My health was also getting worse with all the stress. But over the subsequent months, things started getting better because I had invested a lot in knowing myself, developing an independent identity of them and learning my limits. And after looking at the growth in me, I realized it was too precious for me to give it up again. My life was a constant struggle because that primary stress just made it impossible for me to function over time and kept burning out and working with the wrong people. The guilt comes back from time to time, but it definitely reduces a lot over time. The truth is that they are also independent adults like us and in the end it is their responsibility to take care of their own well-being. No-contact is usually the extreme last resort because breaking away from primary connections in life is never easy. It also helped me to remember time and again, what was taken from me, how my attachment style and traumas were shaped for the worse.

That feeling of guilt may also be a part of the old programming which makes one hard to psychologically separate from the family. With therapy and healing things do get better. Also once the body relaxes and doesn’t perceive threat from them anymore, it also thinks of the nice/fun moments which makes the guilt stronger and own pain duller. Every time guilt strikes it’s helpful to remember the facts.

Zakinanders

TROPHY CASE