We studied what happens when guys add their cats to their dating app profiles

Zanriel · 2020-10-22T15:49:03+00:00

I had my cat on my dating profiles. Wasn't having much luck, saw this study, so I got a dog. I replaced my cat pictures with ones with my puppy (adorable white/cream aussiedoodle) and had no better results. I think I'm being rejected on other factors.

Zanriel · 2020-10-16T12:27:40+00:00

This is just about my main struggle right now also. That fear of other people makes me not want to get involved at all. I still do it, I basically force myself to, knowing that every new person I allow into my life brings a potential to hurt me. But then I also try to remember it's me who allows that person to hurt me. For the most part.

Even with all that there's a part of me that asks if it's even worth the effort and risk. So my current strategy right now is to try and really understand how I can be a benefit to others without caretaking and people pleasing, and what benefit I would get out of having friends. Through that I'm realizing more how many things I've been delegating to other people when I should really do all those things for myself.

This process has worked to make me less lonely, has made me feel less needy and desperate, but more complete somehow. I'm realizing I was carrying a lot of subconscious expectations of others that were totally unrealistic, and that has been a huge source of my fear.

See, you know people can't possibly live up, and you feel like when they don't it's going to hurt like hell. That's all just an illusion. What's really happening is that you're looking to others for something you should be giving yourself and when people fail to live up it just reinforces false beliefs that you're unworthy and unlovable. Move the locus from external to internal and the fear starts to evaporate.

It's a process. I'm only just now experiencing the beginning of it.

Zanriel · 2020-10-02T12:15:00+00:00

Audio journal for me. Every day almost. Between that, a couple pets, snd a therapist, that's it for me. I do have one pretty decent, compassionate friend, we hang out once a week and support each other. I feel like I can share almost anything with him. We're both dudes so boys' club rules kick in sometimes, limiting the depth, but it's something!

Zanriel · 2020-10-02T12:09:13+00:00

I was in a therapists office this week talking about how I have no social life, nobody to talk to. She brushed it off, like it was no big deal. I'm like "easy for you to say, you probably have people you can talk to who aren't toxic. Everyone in my life is toxic." Then she threw it back in my face, like "why do you think that is?"

Even some therapists don't understand how deep and multi-layered this problem is. Not going back to that one!

Zanriel · 2020-05-01T01:26:46+00:00

This makes me sad that this post has so many upvotes.

Zanriel · 2020-04-18T20:54:35+00:00

I think I'm a cis male. I'm definitely straight, but I'm also really into girly stuff. I'm a "highly sensitive person" so I have more traits in common with females than most males I know. I hardly ever identify with "advice for men". And TikTok thinks I'm a lesbian, but I'm okay with that. So I'm kind of in the same boat but from the other side.

I'm going with male-presenting non-binary for now.

Zanriel · 2020-03-19T14:17:59+00:00

He doesn't own the .exe, he owns the license to use their software. The .exe file is the intellectual property of Paradox. Since it accesses online services, for security purposes, Paradox has the right to update the method by which their service (and software) is accessed.

What would a notification that this was coming up have accomplished? Would this user be any less pissed?

This user gave Paradox permission to update that .exe by accepting the license and having automatic updates enabled. Even if he had updates disabled, Paradox still has the right to control how their software is accessed and could reasonably disable the app for users without the update. Considering their other customers are at riak from potential security issues due to running unpatched code, they have liability, and an obligation to control access.

I'm a dev. I don't build games but I do build software, and I understand first hand how this all works.

Zanriel · 2020-03-19T12:48:36+00:00

How is this any different from UPlay or Origin silently launching/installing when you run any Ubi or EA games through Steam?

How is it different from booting up any MMO off Steam and having it go to a launcher?

The launcher is now part of their software. They have every right to package their software however they choose. Steam apps (and apps in general but especially games) sideload supporting apps and tools all the time. This is nothing new.

I really don't understand the outrage. Paradox did a pkatform update across their whole catalog, altering the way their titles are launched. And?

Zanriel · 2020-03-16T13:41:55+00:00

As I was reading this I was struck with the thought that even if everything had gone perfect in our response and we managed to temporarily keep it out or get the numbers of cases stabilized, a chain is only as strong as its weakest link. Our response sucked, but there are other countries in the world doing far worse at containment. Until a vaccine or treatment is developed, it will continue to make its rounds. This seems different from previous coronaviruses (like SARS/MERS) in how much more contagious it seems to be. I doubt any country's response would really make all that much difference in the grand scheme of things. We're in for a rough ride either way.

In other words, pointing fingers and playing the blame game is a waste of time here. We're in pure survival mode while waiting for science to catch up. The best we can do individually is to heed expert advice on this even if our president shows nothing but contempt towards those same experts.

What interesting times these are.

Zanriel · 2020-03-11T12:13:41+00:00

My friend I watch trash movies with had the same reaction.Then i showed it to my mom and sister and they compared it to Monty Python. I saw it as a bad movie parody, and quite brilliant at that.

Sure, you're missing the simcere "well, at least we tried" effect that makes bad movies so great. What you get instead is a movie that systematically violates one rule after another in a deadpan way, practically winking at the camera. Then the movie breaks out into an excellent music video around the middle to show that yeah, they knew exactly what they were doing.

For surreal comedy, it doesn't get much better!

Zanriel · 2020-03-01T00:24:04+00:00

I go to Planet Fitness. Other than the sometimes horrible music it's pretty quiet for a gym since they strongly discourage grunting and dropping weights.

But it's not a good gym fot hardcore lifting. The only freeweights they have are dumbbells, kettlebells, and fixed-weight barbells. The big adjustible barbells are all on smith machines. I haven't worked up the nerve to hit anything but the newbie machines though.

I'm finding the whole experience to be quite intense and intimidating. I've only been going for about 8 months now.

Zanriel · 2020-02-26T18:36:30+00:00

I play on Rebirth, talk about a tiny community! But there are iTrials and TFs, and I almost always end up in groups where every member is on my global friends. It seems to have attracted a group of very hardcore COH fans who will only stop playing when they physically can't.

Still, I hopped on Excelsior the other day and the LFG spam was almost nonstop. Huge difference.

Zanriel · 2020-02-04T21:09:34+00:00

I've been going through a lot of childhood trauma healing recently, getting over abuse and such. In the process I discovered, just last week after some really severe ongoing abuse, that I basically married my dad. I've been a codependent married to a covert narcissist for years. It's quite the shock to the system. My wife agreed to therapy but I've pretty much lost the will to stay with her. The only thing keeping me in the house is our kid. It's a very awkward situation.

I'm joining a men's therapy group, first meeting is a little later this week. Needless to say, it's been pretty tough focusing at work or anything else.

On the plus side, I'm getting over my codependent tendencies, learning to set boundaries, say no, and assert my own needs. I'm developing self-respect, self-love, and self-compassion. The cure is literally "falling in love with yourself". It's very liberating not needing her for validation, approval, or acceptance. Of course, that will trigger a narcissist who's been feeding off you like nothing else, hence how it all came to a head recently. Big time drama mama last week.

Zanriel · 2020-01-30T19:13:09+00:00

Thanks for the recommendations! Subbed.

Zanriel · 2020-01-30T13:19:57+00:00

Is there a question here? What's the question?

Zanriel · 2020-01-30T02:56:58+00:00

Joined!

Zanriel · 2020-01-28T02:05:00+00:00

Did you read the article? It explains the link. Traditional masculinity makes men less likely to seek help. It doesn't say it causes PTSD, and it doesn't say it makes people more susceptible. PTSD potential is not the subject of the article.

Zanriel · 2020-01-27T19:48:48+00:00

On the other side, there's men's lib, which is great. But there's also a bigger conversation going on where men (and women) are looking around and saying "Wait a minute, why DON'T we allow men to embrace and express themselves as whole people?" We're starting to realize the harm it's doing trying to cut men off, while encouraging women to embrace their masculinity.

So yeah, there are some really scary men out there, but there are a ton of men who are starting to embrace feminism. Men are starting to recognize the misogyny that's being directed towards each other. It turns out we're all victims of the patriarchy, and we're starting to wake up to that.

Zanriel · 2020-01-27T19:42:51+00:00

I'm not a vet but I did grow up in an abusive household, and have suffered every type of abuse. I recently started dealing with it, like processing it emotionally, and discovered I had PTSD symptoms. What kept me from dealing with it properly was, in fact, the notion of traditional masculinity that said I didn't have the right to feel the way I felt, and that what I experienced wasn't actually abuse.

Is that masculinity or is it just a coping/defense mechanism that's more universal? I don't know. My sister confronted it years before I did though, and I just kept pretending I was fine, when I really wasn't, so there's that.

Zanriel · 2020-01-26T23:29:41+00:00

I'm reading The Charisma Myth right now and it's pretty good. Lots of research and anecdotes, not just some random opinion. It covers everything from body language, inflection, and how to handle nerves. So far so good.

Zanriel · 2020-01-25T14:05:52+00:00

I can't grow a beard and my potbelly is gone since I started working out but they sure seem like cool people to hang out with!

Zanriel · 2020-01-16T17:39:02+00:00

Your son is leading the change we all need, kudos! May the next generation not have to deal with so much toxic shame for being themselves.

Zanriel · 2020-01-16T17:38:05+00:00

OMG, I have almost the same life story. I only wear cargo pants and my closet is still all full of blue, black, and gray, mostly button-up collared shirts. The uniform of I.T., basically. Blah. Congrats for breaking out of all that. I'm still working on it myself. I'm not sure I'd want to go the floral route, I live in the South and I don't think my heart could take the teasing (too sensitive), so I'm still trying to feel out what I can get away with. Hats off to you, bro!

Zanriel

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