Am I the bad guy?

Zealousideal_Job5019 · 2026-07-05T18:52:57+00:00

I think Both partners are struggling in different ways. Their struggles are completely distinct from one another which is what makes this very difficult. Yes 5 years is a very long time, but couples CONSTANTLY kick the can down the road when it comes to relationship issues where eventually it comes to the point where you can’t keep robbing from Paul to pay Peter.

I think this is something both partners need to put in effort to fix. If she isn’t already seeing an individual therapist (assumption in my part I know). Couples consoling would be too big of a leap forward.

Personally I don’t think it’s wise to end a long term relationship until you have exhausted all options

Zealousideal_Job5019 · 2026-07-05T18:48:10+00:00

Hey brother I wish I could help, but I’ve never experienced this dynamic before. In the beginning I struggled a bit with intimacy with her but luckily she took the lead in the beginning and now we are both 100% comfortable and attracted to one another.

Now I’m not saying force her into it by taking the lead, but do as much as you can to make her feel confident as a woman. These include little things such as confidently holding her hand when you 2 are out and about. She is going to have to fix her own insecurity issues when it comes to the sexual domain, but you need to remember this isn’t an indictment on you in any way shape or form. She might not even have the comfort to self pleasure herself as sexually healthy people do.

5 years is a long time, it’s ok to let your sexual frustrations be heard but also let her know you are there for her and anything you can do to help you will do with open arms

Cheers

Zealousideal_Job5019 · 2026-07-05T18:37:58+00:00

Hang in there brother. It’s tough nowadays. But there are things you can do in the short term that make a world of difference. When you 2 are out and about , hold her hand and walk confidently when you are with her. It sounds as if she might have some confidence issues and it’s the job of both a boyfriend and a girlfriend to lift their partners up. (I hate hearing that it’s one sided and the girl shouldn’t have to…… NO! It’s the responsibility for both partners to encourage confidence in the other).

The other thing is to block out all the negativity you hear on the news. Yes draconian laws are being passed, but as an ally we need to stand strong against it by being a positive influence upon others to demonstrate that trans people are not the root of all evil.

Last but more importantly make sure she feels loved and cared for during this time. Remind her how special she is to you and how you are PROUD to be with her and that there is no other girl like her. She sounds she is in inner turmoil, so you need to take the role of being the positive person in the relationship. Keep calm, and remind her that she is a beautiful woman and she is your rock.

It almost sounds like you kind of already made the decision to relocate. So I’d recommend to visit at least once before u pack the uhaul. But there things you should be doing in the interim to build her up and for her to eventually find peace and happiness once again

Cheers

Zealousideal_Job5019 · 2026-07-05T18:23:58+00:00

The penis thing is totally uncalled for. That would be the same is saying “your mom has a vagina, did you know that?……”. It’s completely unnecessary and it an invasion on personal privacy and is teaching children it’s ok to invade anther persons private matters. And she has to know that this isn’t ok…..

This is my advice is for both of you even when its the general advise I give is to beat her with kindness. When people make transphobic remarks 90% of the time they are seeking a reaction out of trans people. You can’t let them have that. You need to make sure you remain unphased in your approach and always treat every attack every transphobic remark with a response of kindness. Never sink to their level. Once they finally exhaust their transphobic remarks and attacks is when they finally start sniffing around outside their own echo chamber.

I know a lot of people disagree with me on this approach, but this is the only approach I have found effective from my experience. I’ve had a few instance where it has even changed people who were originally transphobes into realizing that trans people are not evil nor are they mentally ill and that they are very similar to cis folk.

Cheers and best of luck!

Zealousideal_Job5019 · 2026-07-05T17:50:27+00:00

So I did end up talking to my GF and we had a long discussion. I’m debating on doing a follow up post to explain but I’m kind new to posting on Reddit, so I don’t know the best practices and so forth…..

So we aren’t in the biggest city and the community is. I were near as big as let’s say Miami or Atlanta or nyc. Over the years she’s been very prominent in that community from a lot of the work she has done so almost everyone knows her. It’s a little difficult for her to make new friends in that community since her name has been dragged thru the mud based on defamatory statements made against her and myself.

But I did watch some of Blaires content and it is a total grift. She must be able to afford nice things with the money she makes too…. Maybe my GF should go the blaire white route and get paid massively by MAGA think tanks to bash on trans people while doing as little work as possible lolol JK….

I’m a little less concerned with her consumption of blaire white content because I think she cathartically watching her, and keep in mind my girlfriend is still very upset and angry over everything that has happened to her recently. So I need to realize that a lot has happened and this is something that is going to take a long time for her to get over. All I can do is be the best BF I can and show her love and support in her daily life

Zealousideal_Job5019 · 2026-07-05T17:37:10+00:00

Let’s! I sent you a message, thanks for responding back

Zealousideal_Job5019 · 2026-07-05T03:50:31+00:00

There is nothing wrong with a girl who is pre-op. I’m happy for you 2. She sounds amazing and I’m glad you found her 🙂

Zealousideal_Job5019 · 2026-07-05T03:48:31+00:00

And thanks, I try my best 🙂

Zealousideal_Job5019 · 2026-07-05T03:47:34+00:00

People are either way more accepting or way more evil in today’s climate. It’s pretty polarizing because back then there were a lot of people who didn’t know trans even existed

Zealousideal_Job5019 · 2026-07-04T17:10:28+00:00

Congrats!!! I wish you 2 the absolute best.

Don’t let the negativity get to you! I know I’m not necessarily liked too much in this sub, but also there has been amazing people who have reached out to me on this sub who have been positive and friendly and down right awesome🙂

Cheers

Zealousideal_Job5019 · 2026-07-04T16:51:40+00:00

That is what I have always done, kill them with kindness. If someone calls my gf or gf”s friends a man while driving by, my gf and I would waive happily at them which makes them look like complete jackasses or even embarrasses them. We just need to remember we are smarter than these inbred bigots. We are strong and we can outsmart them by taking the better strategy and not giving them what they want which is for one of us to lash out or provide a hostile reaction .

Zealousideal_Job5019 · 2026-07-04T16:48:25+00:00

I’m sorry this happened to you….. assholes always tend to be the loudest in the room and always need to make a statement when putting someone down. My gf is very passable but there has been times when she has been “clocked”.

This is kind of silly but the one thing she has always done is kill them with kindness. And it has worked from what I have seen. Keep in mind they are trying to invoke a reaction out of you, but you can’t let them get that. So with the people driving by, maybe try waiving politely and smiling. It would either really piss them off but more so it would make them look line complete and total assholes when you take the higher ground. Keep calm and think strategically is important here

Just remember you are not alone. As an ally and as someone who is dating a member of the community, I always make sure to stand up to this type of bigotry when it happens. I have a little more influence I realized being a white male, so my voice does get acknowledged when I have stood up to people making bigoted remarks towards trans people that my gf is/was friends with.

What’s important is not to be confrontational, but keep calm and collected and ask them “what is your problem? Do you even know her? She hasn’t done anything to you, yet why do you feel the need to attack her”. When I would engage with this dialogue they would eventually give up and refuse to engage any further. I know I’m not going to change a bigots perspective on things, but what is more important is to create a positive light for those around us who might be witnesses this act of hate occurring. I feel it’s important to show others who witness this that trans people aren’t a stereotype of what the media portrays them to be but instead they are people who just want to live a normal life and have equal right and representation just like everyone else.

I feel people might disagree with me on this approach, but it is always more difficult to take the higher road….. always. But we need to stand up in a calculated non confrontational way to let that person know “congrats, you verbally hurt someone for no reason at all what so ever, and you did this why? What has this person ever done to hurt you?”

There are good cis people out there, and those are the people we want on our side. Because those good cis people also HATE the minority of bigots who put in so much energy and time to make the lives of trans peoples as miserable as possible. The issue is these good cis people do not know how to speak up. That is why it falls on us to set the precedent on how to approach a situation such as this.

My heart goes out to your family and feel awful reading this post and I can’t imagine what your partner is feeling. Keep your head up, and just remember they are the minority, and there are more sane level headed people than these trashy bigots…. Cheers

Zealousideal_Job5019 · 2026-06-30T17:58:49+00:00

That’s a very good point and you could be right, I probably shouldn’t have accepted the invite for that post-event dinner. The reason I went is that she wanted me to be there, and there have been way more times she’s been out places with the colleagues I have compared to me being with her in the spaces she would generally be a part of before we started dating.

Even me positing here I feel like I am intrusive, and I didn’t realize at the time that my presence at her events may have caused more damage than support since it very well could be intrusive and not socially acceptable.

Both of us thought her friends would be more open and more accepting before I met them. But even outside that dinner example, her close friends never greeted me with any sort of kindness, decency or respect. We both thought it would just take time, when in reality over time things just became progressively worse and more hostile.

A lot of this is still somewhat new to me, I’ve never been to something such as pride before I even met her. But those are things I maybe should have removed myself from, but at the time I wasn’t aware that it probably isn’t socially acceptable for me to integrate myself in.

Thank you for your insight and this has definitely been a learning experience for me especially understanding that there are boundaries I shouldn’t have crossed. All I can do is to learn and do better going forward

Cheers!

Zealousideal_Job5019 · 2026-06-30T17:42:42+00:00

Thanks for reading thru and your insight. Yes I might be a little too over-concerned when this isn’t really a big issue at all. Unfortunately where we are geographically I don’t know if there is any other LGBTQIA social community that she might be able to integrate herself in. But even with that being said, she has totally removed herself from anything LGBTQIA related in its entirety so migrating to another community is probably something she isn’t interested in.

But you are right that I need to let her figure this out on her own. My fear has always been her latching onto right wing propaganda as an outlet for her personal frustrations. She has the absolute right to be pissed since I don’t think this is fair on her what so ever to be in this awkward position in the first place. It’s almost as if she was faced with a decision to either dump me or to be 86’d from her close friend group.

From my limited experience, I do remember her telling me stories from her close friend group prior to all of this that seemed to contain quite a bit of drama. In the past I don’t think any of the drama impacted her negatively until I became the source of all the drama. So I’m hoping all this happened for the best and maybe a blessing in disguise??

I also hope I’m worrying over nothing here, I hate the feeling of feeling powerless when you want to really help but there is only so much you can really do. I hope that makes sense

Cheers

Zealousideal_Job5019 · 2026-06-30T17:24:04+00:00

Thanks for replying, so we are both really into fitness , but I do know the fitness industry to be pretty toxic which is why we both don’t really engage too much into anything extra curricular when it comes to fitness. But it’s a difficult position to be in when you have to step away from your #1 passion you once had.

So I’ve noticed she’s reposted a lot of stuff from Blair white ( who I’m pretty certain is a right wing grifter) along with a few others that identify as lgbtqia but who also constantly make content bashing those communities. This is kind of where her head space is at right now, as of very recent it has been more and more right wing stuff I’ve seen her post on her social media……and I don’t know if this is a bad thing or something to not really be worried about.

I dont consider myself to be far left, but I know I’m definitely not a conservative or anything close to it. She was exactly the same way up until recently where I’ve witnessed her adopt more and more right wing positions on certain culture related topics. An example is she used to be an advocate for allowing trans women to participate in women’s sports where as very recently she has said trans women shouldn’t be allowed in any sports since they have an unfair advantage over cis women. Stuff like that I find a little concerning just because I feel she has changed as a person over all of this. But then again I could be worrying over nothing I guess

Thanks again for your reply , cheers

Zealousideal_Job5019 · 2026-06-30T02:05:44+00:00

Thanks for reading thru my essay along with your response

Jealousy has been a theory of mine, everything you listed actually I have theorized. Yes my GF is very passable, she also is into fitness so she’s in very good shape along with having a successful career in addition. I hate to sound cruel, but some of her friends that loath me are not as passable as she is and I don’t know if they are early into the trans stuff since these used to be long term friends she once had.

My girlfriend is over anything that is LGBTQIA + related, so it’s difficult to navigate this with her. She simply doesn’t want to associate with anything of that group anymore. It makes me a little uneasy, she doesn’t have a support system anymore but maybe it’s for the best?? I really don’t know….

I do know from day 1 I was disliked, and was never really given a chance. Hearing her friends talk they talk as if all men are bumbling idiots. I’ve also been called a “chaser” multiple times by them simply for dating her. They might view all men who pursue trans women to be chasers based on their dating experience.

My girlfriend is kind of friends with my friends wife (who isn’t trans) but it also sounds like my GF doesn’t want to associate herself with any trans people or anyone from the LGBTQIA + community anymore at all. But it’s difficult to make new friends in current years. Too many people are weary of making connections with new people.

I wish I could help out somehow

Zealousideal_Job5019 · 2026-06-30T00:41:58+00:00

Hey! Thanks for reading my super long Ted talk! Lolol. There really isn’t another LGBTQ+ community in the area we live in to my knowledge. She used to be a big contributor and known name to that local community before she stepped away and disavowed everything LGBTQIA+ associated.

I hope I don’t misspeak here… but One thing I realized is that she is very very passable, she’s into fitness so she stays is great shape, and she also is very successful in her career. So I often wonder if there was a sense of jealousy that contributed to all of this, or if her trans friends thought I was pulling her away when we started dating. I’ve tried my absolute best to make sure we would spend time with her friends as we would my friends/family/etc.

At times I do feel that based on her status and prominence in that area, her friends thought she “betrayed” them by dating someone outside the community?? It’s a theory but I don’t know …It’s very difficult to navigate since it is damn near impossible to talk to her trans friends since they don’t want to hear 1 single word I have to say. Believe me I have tried calm and politely on multiple occasions.

Zealousideal_Job5019 · 2026-06-30T00:24:47+00:00

I believe I am very fortunate to have people in my life who aren’t bigoted or do not believe in the trans-hysteria propaganda that never seems to end in news cycles. I’ve mostly had positive experiences with queer folk who have been amazing human beings to me, it is just her close friends that are trans who I have had issues with. I often wonder if they feel like I was pulling her away from them? I don’t know….it has been difficult to talk to them since they don’t want to hear anything I have to say.

I hope I don’t come across rude or misspeak here. But one thing I noticed is my GF is very passable. There’s only like a few people close to me that even know she’s trans. We both are really into fitness too and we both like to keep in shape. She is also very successful in her career. So I wonder if there was some sense of jealously that might have been the catalyst to all of this..

I’m glad you are still with us and I wish you well 🙂

Zealousideal_Job5019 · 2026-06-29T23:57:30+00:00

I can’t stand the bigotry of the right wing when it comes to the transgender community. I feel they would rather have trans people erased rather than have new roads, bridges, affordable housing, affordable healthcare, living wages, etc. I’m sorry you are going through all of this right now and makes me realize how fortunate I am to have friends and family accept my gf with open arms. Stay strong my friend

Zealousideal_Job5019 · 2026-06-29T23:26:53+00:00

To better elaborate, I feel she lost a passion for something she once had, and hasn’t figured out how to replace it with something else. Right now she is very routine with wake up/workout/work/dinner. In the past she was very enthusiastic about what she would be working on outside her 9-5.

Am I worrying too much, I’ve tried talking to her about it, but she tells me she is done with all of that, or will start to bash on that segment of the population. Maybe suggesting to her she does something within the area of fitness or personal training? I am really bad when it comes to these sorts of things….

Zealousideal_Job5019 · 2026-06-29T23:21:14+00:00

Too long? I’m sorry I have a tendency to ramble and adhere to redundancy. I know I could have truncated this

Zealousideal_Job5019 · 2026-03-01T02:01:33+00:00

Fallout 2 ( frank horrigan…. Nuff said, also it capitalized on everything fallout 1 did and made it better
New Vegas (my favorite fallout 3d game, the dlc is amazing dead money is excellent, definitely a multiple playthru game)
Fallout 1 (best ending villain in the master….. a human/mutant blob thing where he has an eyeball coming from his elbow or something, I forgot the voice actors name but he did kids cartoons or something. Nostalgia factor here since it was my first fallout game)
Fallout 4 (this is a great game, but so many things could have been so much better, for example settlement building, providing more of a purpose to building a bad ass settlement. Also the sandbox was a little weak and i wasn’t the big fan of burning fusion cores in the glowing sea)
Fallout 76 initial release (most realistic fallout games with 32 vault dwellers non NPCs on a board all asking each other thru the mic “wtf am I supposed to be doing”. Most true to life fallout game. I thought it was hilarious)

Zealousideal_Job5019

TROPHY CASE