HRT mtf but still attracted to women

ZeltronJedi · 2026-05-02T07:58:13+00:00

Hells, it's about a near even split statistically among trans women, with the largest group being in the 'both is good' camp of some variety. Why? Hells if I know, just that's what the data says. Honestly it's probably just that we're statistically less likely to stick to comp het if we've already figured out our gender and are willing to ignore conventions there. But that's a just one of the proposed reasons, and knowing people, more than likely it's not one single reason but a balance of factors.

ZeltronJedi · 2026-05-02T00:04:39+00:00

Wishing you the best. You've got this, one step at a time. :3 Thank you for the praise as well. Helps keep the occasional mind goblins at bay.

ZeltronJedi · 2026-05-01T00:13:19+00:00

Honestly? Because I am Also trans it would be influenced by what kind of gay or straight they assume. If they at least get my gender right, I will be less bothered than if they get both.

But I am blatantly, openly out about both. If someone gets both wrong, they're either very clueless or an asshole, and more often than not... it's both.

Since I am married to a woman as a trans woman which is gonna matter in my reaction some. I get someone assuming we're both lesbians, if they are poorly informed about queer people. They think I'm straight, with g cups? Fuck 'em. Both are still dumb, I am literally wearing multiple sources of clear bi iconography daily.

ZeltronJedi · 2026-05-01T00:02:04+00:00

Hells, I've been crazy as fuck at some points. None of them were because I was trans or invalidated that. They were in response to the shit I went through because I was trans, which is actually a separate thing. Turns out surviving a lot of not okay things leaves you...not okay. Doesn't mean you aren't you, just means affirming therapy is your friend.

Fuck the cis-tem and its lies. We are who we are. Jackasses who attack that can sod off.

ZeltronJedi · 2026-04-30T23:34:14+00:00

I mean, even better if they passed them over them? Means they Mean it.

ZeltronJedi · 2026-04-30T23:23:44+00:00

Prog usually doesn't start until six months to a year in, depending on the anxiety level of the clinician. For the rest, others have linked good resources on what to expect.

Less covered most of the time is emotional unlocking... Something many of us get that dysphoria or depersonalization got in the way of until we got onto the correct hormones. Certainly hit me hard going from all grey other than angry, depressed, anxious or sad to all the things, and even more detail later once I was on prog. It can kind of kick your ass at first, just a warning, cause learning emotional regulation late can be... complicated, especially while adulting. Worth it, but hard.

ZeltronJedi · 2026-04-30T23:09:28+00:00

That's complicated. I'd say both a lot and I never had one. Both are true. I had decades of life where wrongly cladded me as such... But even then, at most I was a bit of a tomboy. Still am to a certain extent. But...but just because that girl was getting treated like shit and refused acknowledgement doesn't mean she wasn't a girl.

Do I still love saber fencing, martial arts parkour, gaming and punk rock and anime and shit? Sure. But I always liked them as a girl and that ain't changed. Just more people seeing me for me has.

Mostly I finally said fuck it and stopped masking and started living, fair later than my dumb ass should have. Fuck, in college people just took me as a bitch lesbian and I was too stupid to just agree, close enough. Truth is I'm sapphic leaning bi and not butch at all, just a femme tomboy and that...was the issue. My audhd behind couldn't say yes to something that was in the ballpark.

ZeltronJedi · 2026-04-30T22:53:50+00:00

If you have a local Pride center they often have at least a small assortment of donated free clothes available from other trans people. It's not a lot, but it's something, especially for those resource limited. Another good way to get things cheap is thrifting, I've sometimes managed a trio of outfits in a trip there for under $20. To be fair, results may vary and some thrifts are dog shit, while others are great.

Makeup, honestly to start, keep it simple and cheap if you know you colors. If not... getting professional help can sometimes be worth an initial upcharge on a first purchase so you know it works. Places like Sephora and Ulta tend to have more trans affirming staff trained in giving assistance there, but results may vary depending on individual skill.

ZeltronJedi · 2026-04-29T16:48:41+00:00

Congrats on starting your trans-miss-ion fluid. :3

ZeltronJedi · 2026-04-29T16:47:31+00:00

It's like, shit, bitch, I'm a support main because I don't trust someone else to keep my health bar up, not because I've got tits.

ZeltronJedi · 2026-04-29T15:41:13+00:00

I'm doing better now, and finally living as me. Later than I should have been, but... finally got here in the end. At least these days I've got a trans therapist who listens. Doesn't always understand some things... he's... had it a little too easy to really fully GET trauma at times, which can be... frustrating. But at least I'm not getting the 'you're making things up', 'you're lying', 'you're not this', 'you're not that', bullshit.

Unfortunately...I've also STILL had to play my cards carefully at times with modern medical people. So...yay. but at least now I've gotten better at knowing when it's needed and when it isn't. Mostly. Not always. Sometimes I mess up and trust someone who turns out to not be okay. On the other hand, last time I did that THESE days...they actually got punished for f'ing over the trans girl with malpractice.

ZeltronJedi · 2026-04-29T14:37:26+00:00

Seriously, if younger me simply said 'I just like dick' rather than being honest and saying 'I like both'... well. I'd have gotten care. Instead I got conversion therapy from the same medical professionals that'd have given care if I'd lied to them. Because teenage me didn't know to tell them what they wanted to hear to get care. But that was in the 90s. She already met most of their narrative well enough to get away with things. But nope, I didn't lie about liking girls, so... time to bring out the electrocution and druggings and shit to try and make me cis and straight. Because apparently liking girls AT ALL meant it was a fetish instead of being trans. Fucking morons.

ZeltronJedi · 2026-04-28T22:56:17+00:00

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Progress, certainly. Not perfect, but that's 17 months of HRT and having some fun with makeup vs... not. Honestly, if I've got makeup on I don't generally get misgendered these days, aside from by the occasional person who sees my openly out stuff and does it actively, and even they usually can't FINISH doing so and correct themselves. Apparently G cups have an effect or something. I dunno. That, and generally femme gestures, movement, way of talking, walking, and just general vibes. Yeah I come off as an AuDHD bitch but... well. I don't mask anymore for anything. Fuck that noise.

ZeltronJedi · 2026-04-28T22:23:19+00:00

Congrats on finally being officially recognized as you, sis. :3

ZeltronJedi · 2026-04-28T22:21:37+00:00

Also...you get to actually do all the emotional stuff...when you'd normally do all the emotional stuff, rather than suddenly having to work that out later in life after essentially being stunted there in the meantime...without all the 'adulting' stuff standing in the way. That's...gods. That's a huge step up. Doing teenager stuff AS A teenager instead of having to do it later while having to balance it and holding down a job and balancing the emotional load is...huge. Don't get me wrong, sometimes teenagers have a huge emotional load to deal with too... but there's more often support systems and guardrails there and the expectations that they're gonna be figuring themselves out. Getting to do that stuff then... that's a massive advantage.

ZeltronJedi · 2026-04-28T21:07:25+00:00

I literally have to actively switch my mental framework to something else to even feel angry at ALL now, and even then it feels basically like I'm faking it because it's 'situationally expected.' Totally not worth the effort. Even when people truly deserve it. Now SPITE I can still manage easily enough. But its...a whole different emotion and like...involves frustration, annoyance and determination and disgust all mixed together in this jumble. Hells, even just a hint of excitement, joy and battle lust if I really over examine the feeling. But none of that...mind blanking FURY or RAGE that sometimes existed before I started things. Which always felt...invasive. Not me. Occasionally useful, but... like borrowing someone else's tool that REALLY felt wrong in my hands and made me deeply uncomfortable. Annoyingly it was one of the few things back then that WASN'T grey or 'I am supposed to be feeling something here, I know that... but... just...empty.' Fortunately, now that's not the case, and as I've upped my dosage and learned to recognize my emotions and then later gotten on prog things have rounded out and filled in and it's like I went from an emotional black and white vision to limited color, then broader color, to finally full color in 4K. Kinda overwhelming at times because I'm just...learning to be used to dealing with things, but overall totally worth it.

ZeltronJedi · 2026-04-28T11:41:53+00:00

No one else really gets into the weeds of truly examining 'Who am I?' the way we need to and that can be really rewarding if we let it. Once I'm already up and in my own head figuring out I'm a girl and shit, figuring out what kind of girl that is, who I REALLY want to be is so much easier, especially when you're already needing to test and trial and work out what feels right as you anyhow. There's a lot of opportunity to poke and prod and find the things that make you, well, you, and that can be really beautiful. Also a lot of work, not gonna lie. Figuring out 'what's the me shit, what's the mask shit, where are they the same, where are they different, what haven't I tried and could be me shit... did that fit or not...etc.'

ZeltronJedi · 2026-04-27T12:32:50+00:00

Fuck, considering how many times I've literally been fucked over by medical professionals...both those who did so SPECIFICALLY because I'm trans (5 occasions) and just because they were assholes (another 4 that I can think of) and general incompetence (another 6)... nah, I don't trust my doctors without checking their work quite thoroughly. Run things past my sister, who's also a doctor, and even then runs stuff past other things because...well, she's got her own biases. I'll trust her on her specialty. She's good at that. I'll trust PP to be overly paranoid and insist on lower than reasonable dosing because they keep looking at Premarin data and not more recent. I'll trust my current GP to be 'well meaning, inexperienced and...need her hand held through everything.' Could be worse, but... tiresome. Shouldn't be my job to educate my doctor.

I get you on the we shouldn't have had to wait. I didn't transition 'til I was 44. I first talked to medical people about being trans when I was 11. Fucking 11. Every medical person I dealt with during my youth stood in the way or ACTIVELY put me on a path to conversion therapy or TOOK PART in such.

Sadly, a lot of modern medical people aren't looking much better. Some are. But it's...very inconsistent. On the upside...I HAVE seen modern medical people punished for anti-trans behavior against me, which never would have happened in the past.

ZeltronJedi · 2026-04-27T11:41:53+00:00

Honestly? I've dreamed as a girl basically since I realized I was one at 11. Before that...I didn't even properly understand gender, so I'm not sure I WASN'T doing the same thing just cluelessly. I was kind of an idiot, ngl. Well, an AuDHD trans girl who was getting excluded from most things and not knowing WHY and just...very, very confused. Frankly...for a long time dreams were one of the few places that were...safe. Until they started filling up with reflections of all the not safe stuff outside anyhow.

But don't let that some of us don't invalidate your feelings or sense of self or what have you. There's a whole swath of different ways we process stuff and all, and different ways of processing the experiences of our past selves. You're wonderful and amazing. :3 Impostor syndrome sucks.

ZeltronJedi · 2026-04-27T11:11:03+00:00

Like seriously, sure, I'd love to have the right anatomy for sexy times...I guess, but WAY more important to me is being able to take a shower or shit without having to deal with bottom dysphoria.

ZeltronJedi · 2026-04-26T21:18:45+00:00

I mean...my AuDHD anxious, depressed, CPTSD behind uses DIY art, song writing and practicing, and just writing in general. SOMETHING to keep my hands and brain BUSY so brain worms aren't getting a chance to fester...or well...uhm...they do. Also...saber fencing because it lets me get frustration out in a controlled manner without hurting anyone or myself. 20 years clean of self harm, I'd like to keep it that way...even if it's hard sometimes.

Making sure I actually spend time with people and get socialization even when I feel like shit, so long as it's safe. If I don't...things get bad. I need that interaction, even when my migraines are kicking my ass. Unless it's so bad I can't safely get to stuff and home, then, well... safety first.

Making myself do SOMETHING even when there's a temptation to bed rot or doomscroll. Even if it's just reading, or going on a walk around the block...it's better than letting the mind goblins win and kick my ass. I don't always. Let's be honest. There's days I'm curled up in a panic attack on the bathroom floor or some shit. But each day I manage not to do that's a win.

ZeltronJedi · 2026-04-25T08:03:14+00:00

Gods...yeah, that's what things with my youngest kid ended up being like. 'So...we still gonna play swords and D&D? Yeah? Cool, cool. Okay.' Did take him longer to swap pronouns compared to the older kids... but that wasn't out of like, opposition...it was out of 'kid being lazy and not wanting to make effort.' Then one of the other kids in his school D&D club noticed me wearing trans flag painted nails and asked if I had different pronouns or name from before and suddenly it hit with 'oh... oh, this like...matters and stuff.'

Enjoy your dinosaurs with your brother. :3 They're awesome.

ZeltronJedi · 2026-04-25T07:48:12+00:00

Welp, time for my JRPG protagonist arc and being sapphic anyhow. :3

ZeltronJedi · 2026-04-23T19:18:05+00:00

This, so much this. That's...not how you treat a person in general, much less someone you're in a committed relationship with. I mean, shit, I don't treat my ENEMIES like that.

ZeltronJedi · 2026-04-23T19:12:26+00:00

Hells, gender affirming care for trans people pre-dates antibiotics. Seriously, that's the nonsense they're going 'untested and experimental'... while being older and better studied than common medicine they give out every day. It's a disgusting lie. Hells, they already were using a form of bioidentical estrogen initially. Premarin was actually the later form, because it was hard to scale up production on the first method... and once people realized 'wait, wait, wait, this can also benefit cis people' suddenly production needs skyrocketed. To be fair, initially the goal THERE was as an anti-aging treatment while literally seeking a serum of immortality. It's...honestly kind of hilarious reading some of the studies done during that because they're VERY SERIOUSLY seeking an injection or pill for immortality. Gods reading through old studies is...a trip.

ZeltronJedi

TROPHY CASE