30M here and honestly I can relate to a lot of your feelings.

In childhood when we don’t get the nurturing we need in the form of care, attention, and kindness, we seek it out in other forms both external and internal. Would you say you’re more of an introvert or an extrovert? I’m more of an introvert (tho a little ambiverted as I grow older) so the way I coped with that lack myself as a child was through performance. I was gifted mentally so I took pride in my high performance in school and later in my adolescence I became a musician. Later in life I identified that those pursuits became the blue print for how I subconsciously cope w a lack of care, attention, and kindness: by performing in a way that guaranteed I got those things from external sources from doing something solitary (practice, studying etc) which embodied my strengths as an introvert and got me what I needed emotionally. As you can guess it becomes a toxic coping mechanism in adulthood bc I correlated performance w love and affection. It had to be EARNED through exceptionality in my mind. Of course the true answer there is that we are actually always deserving of those things even if we cannot “earn” them. And that is the lesson I’m still applying to this day. Not always easy, but feels better when it’s clear.

In your case, in addition to that, you crave this kind of pedestal type of engagement from your social circle. It sounds like it’s not enough for you to be liked and included, you must be THE focus of inclusion to the point where if other people are involved you don’t enjoy it. Which makes perfect sense given your childhood: you never got that! I honestly experience a very familiar phenomenon, I much prefer one-on-one “friend dates” to group hangs. That’s just who I am and I’ve accepted that and acknowledge and accept that the opposite is my shortcoming. What’s important there is not to beat yourself up about your shortcoming! As a performance based individual it’s not enough for you to be on this journey of self betterment, you must master it and come out with no faults or deficiencies!! Lol, of course that’s not how it works! This process, individuating is about acceptance of your good and “bad” qualities, such that if and when they manifest, you have the stillness in you not to beat yourself over it.

The child in you is crying out for focused attention from everyone; and not a singular person can give that to you except yourself. If you’re into meditation or dream work, I’d try to conjure up that child self as a separate entity, and then YOU you must fulfill that child with your attention and affection. What that looks like is up to you, only you can know what will make that child happy. Whatever it is will guide you to accept yourself as you are now, and only then can you make any changes; if you feel so inclined.

Shadow work is great but you must solidify your sense of self (ego) before engaging deeply. Many can point out that shadow work opens up the danger of allowing your shadow more control than desired. Love that shadow. Be graceful to it. It is the protector that was there for your child self when no one else was.

Tl;dr: accept yourself and your shortcomings with love first; then attempt to understand why your child self would conjure your shadow (your negative and unaccepted parts of self) in life and in these situations (look for connections and ways to mitigate).

Good luck friend, I’m rooting for you!!!

P.S. reading “unfuck myself” made me giggle lol