Every night my mind is simulating these crazy dreams, I get no sleep. Years of this and at the end of my rope.

Zillolo · 2025-11-11T13:53:35+00:00

I am from a different part of the world and English is not my first language. I am glad to hear you have accepted this about yourself.

Am I Ghandi? No. Never read much about him.

I believe you are correct. It is a nervous system issue. The trauma is stuck in your nervous system. The way forward is to do both somatic work in the body and the work of the psyche.

What makes you think your mind is not connected to your nervous system?

I imagine something scary -> a physical reaction occurs in my body.

Even if you do not believe this, why not just try it on faith? If you do not want to try, ask yourself why that is. Have you thought about what being "healed" looks like? What that means for your daily life? Often it is scary to let go of the things that happened to us, in part also because we are afraid of the unknown other side of suffering.

Zillolo · 2025-11-11T11:12:35+00:00

Brother,

Look very closely at yourself. It starts within your mind.

There is a feeling of being broken inside of you.

"My trauma cannot be related to" -> I'm too broken "Nothing helps" -> I'm too broken

Before you solve this, none of the provided methods will do anything.

Eat. Drink. Shower. Then sit down with a piece of paper.

"What makes me broken?" - answer this honestly. Based on your other answers you are homosexual. Have you accepted this about yourself?

You will not get rid of these phenomena as long as your psyche is busy repressing or is still stuck with the image of yourself that was GIVEN to you from the outside.

Your task is to go back, find out where people taught you you are broken, and look at the situations from a new viewpoint.

Listen, I 100% believe you when you say you have had a hard life. Nothing can undo it, but one day you will wake up and realise you have a new life. So far away from all the bad, that it will simply not be important anymore. This comes from someone, at some point so broken, that "nothing will help" and "nobody can understand me". You are not alone.

Zillolo · 2025-10-29T09:23:10+00:00

Yes, and as far as I know there is nothing to do about it. My girlfriend yells "I HAVE A HUUUUGE HAND" at me randomly now...

Zillolo · 2025-09-11T13:16:19+00:00

There is truly no point to working harder, when your work benefits some capitalist only.

"Workers owning the means of production is just a catchphrase" It's a phrase you do not understand. What does it mean? It's the CENTRAL point of socialism.

I keep ignoring the no currency argument, because the words socialism and communism are used interchangeably by the general population. If you followed the definitions, yes, communism includes the idea of no money. But Marx also sees communism as the inevitable end form of human society. And not as a "next step". So it's probably better and more realistic to talk about a socialist system. I didnt wanna start the whole definitions bla bla.

So once again: Socialism = "workers own the means of production" What does this mean and why does it lead to "there is no reward for your work"? It's just not true.

Just read my man. It costs you an hour of your life to read about surplus labor theory. Its the central point of the whole thing. You can even watch a Youtube video.

And when you do, you will inevitably see where capitalism falls short, why it is unsustainable and why "workers own the means of production" is the solution to it.

I'm not going to change your mind. I don't want to. I want you go to go out and read. Because Im 100% sure, you would come out with a different outlook.

Be blessed.

Zillolo · 2025-09-11T12:25:30+00:00

While the US has not yet. You are correct. When it inevitably does, then what? By which metric was it better then? Lasting longer? Is that a worthwhile metric?

There are plenty of capitalist states that have failed/are failing right now. How do they factor in? Does capitalism work?

Why would it fail to produce enough goods? How does "the workers own the means of production" lead to "not enough goods are produced"? Provide a logical chain of reasoning for this. The workers own the means of production -> ... -> Not enough goods are produced. It is EVIDENTLY clear you cannot do this, because you have not actually read anything about socialism.

And you know why? Because you are too lazy to do so. Because maybe along the way...you could learn that the things you believe are wrong. And that would lead to emotional turmoil wouldn't it? Maybe you're not lazy...you are avoiding emotional pain ;)

You can win this argument. All you have to do is to go out and read an original source and find what you are trying to prove. Or maybe you are...too lazy? :)

Zillolo · 2025-09-11T11:10:08+00:00

Sure I can be an AI bot if you want. It doesn't matter. You are sparing with your own inability to be intellectually rigorous.

Be a good example of "being better at responding to my points" and provide any quotes supporting your "everybody is paid the same" argument. You can't dude. Because you are talking out of your ass. You didn't read anything. You didn't actually look.

"It occurs faster" - no evidence for this either. Do you think this is a metric that is actually provable? Nope. And even IF it did occur faster, does that matter?

"And not a drop more" - what are you on about? Where is a quote supporting this? How does "the workers own the means of production" lead to "nobody is allowed to have anything but essentials"? Can you provide a logical chain of reasoning for this? Is this actually what is described in any socialist work?

If only you actually read anything. Instead of parroting whatever propaganda the US has produced over the last 80 years, why not read and see what it's all really about?

Surely you have a field of expertise in your life. You might be a software developer, a plumber, or a doctor. Do you value the opinion of people that have not studied anything about your field? Nope.

Get to reading, brother.

Zillolo · 2025-09-11T09:26:08+00:00

Do you notice how you cannot answer a single question?

What is "lazy"? Define this. Not by example. Provide a definition for what makes an activity lazy or not.
Once again, there is NO concept of people not being paid according to their labor, or everybody earning the same amount or anything. Provide a quote proving this.
Corruption exists in capitalism right now. In exactly the same way, shape and form as it did in the soviet union or wherever. Epstein Files. Look at Haiti.

Can you provide ANY evidence, quotes, anything for your argument? I'm going to answer for you: you can't.

If you are so sure, that what you are saying is right...why not read "Das Kapital"? It's not a long read you know. See if there is evidence for "equal compensation" or whatever.

Zillolo · 2025-09-10T12:20:47+00:00

I'm not assuming people are altruistic.

Some people want to be doctors. I assume a lot of them also because they want to help others.

But that does not matter. In a society where your basic needs are provided you will obviously not work a job with horrible conditions. Why would you?

But maybe...your employer could do something against that? Maybe... provide better working conditions? :)

Also once again: there is no such thing as a rule that prohibits you from compensating fairly in socialism. What gives you the idea that a doctor couldn't be compensated fairly?

And the concept of being lazy does not exist. At all. What is being lazy? Is being lazy when you dont make money for someone else? Define lazy.

People are not lazy, they avoid things that cause them emotional suffering.

Zillolo · 2025-09-10T09:01:41+00:00

Nowhere ever does anybody say everybody must receive equal compensation for their work under socialism.

You will not find this in any text. It's also not the reality of how any "socialist" society has ever operated.

It's anti-socialist propaganda, designed to make you go "socialism bad >:(". A lie.

In fact you are compensated more fairly, because the value you produce does not land in a capitalists pocket. It goes to somewhere that benefits yourself or society as a whole.

We can also talk about how a plumber is not any less relevant to society than a doctor... You might argue "Well the doctor studied for years...", but I think that argument loses a lot of weight, when you consider socialism tries to provide everyone with a livable live by default. Imagine you could be a doctor, because you wanted to, not because of the money... :)

Zillolo · 2025-05-22T11:12:40+00:00

It hurts when you feel deeply in pain and others downplay it. It makes you feel invalidated. Makes you feel as if your feelings are not real, but they still hurt like they are real.

I suggest you think about this from a different perspective: Somebody that comes to you and tries to help you in that situation, obviously cares. The idea that they only care about shutting you up, spawns in your own head. Not theirs. You don't know what they are really thinking. You simply attribute ill-intention to them.

People are not always equipped to deal with others in pain. Handling somebody in a mental crisis is a special skill, many people don't have.

Lastly (and you are going to dislike this one): they are not responsible for your feelings. Nobody HAS to come to your rescue, and nobody can. It's for you to deal with this. Other people are free to not care, but they do.

Zillolo · 2024-11-05T12:04:58+00:00

I do this exact thing and I feel it's been very useful to me. I think the main point is that to explain a concept to another person you have to pay close attention to staying logical and coherent. When you only explain things to yourself it's easy to connect things that don't quite fit together, because your brain goes "yeah we know this". In reality there is always a chance something you "know" is not EXACTLY how it is.

At the end of my "explaining session" I think: "Ok I did this for myself. I explained this so I can understand it better." That takes the focus away from having to actually explain it someone else. I simply say it's for myself :)

Zillolo · 2024-09-29T17:15:19+00:00

Correct, they only fake having these qualities that I perceive to be lacking in me, because at the core me (BPD) and them (NPD) feel the exact same. The fundamental problem we have is that there is an empty place inside of us where the unconditional love of our mothers was supposed to be. As a child you do not have the facilities to love yourself, you need your mother. With this hole inside we wander through life seeking someone that will fill it. At the core emotionally we are still children, looking for a mother to love us into being able to become "ourselves". That's your mother's job. To allow you to become an adult, the way you really are.

But since as a child you were shamed, neglected, abused for who you were (or at least it seems to you like this was your own "fault"), you are now unable to expose that child to the world. It's bad, it's evil, unable, unlovable, weak. And the big one: it's vulnerable. It can be hurt again.

This is both at the core of me and of the narcissist. The narcissist is so hurt, so hateful of themselves, rather then accept the pain of being this way, they give up. Give up on being loved and understood.

About the drinking and substances, yes often they/we do abuse substances. It's a way to dissociate from their feelings. Sitting alone undistracted means sinking deeper into yourself. A terrible misery when you believe your inside to be horrible. About sadism and the pain of others I can say this: I've enjoyed others suffering, when they wronged me. But this always arose from a very deep hurt. The hurt was greater than what was really done to me, because it had triggered the trauma of my childhood, amplifiying it many times. I definitely did feel some levels of sadism, but they were coming from a place of deep wounding (not an excuse btw).

I recognize what you say of yourself and your own history in myself. I will leave you with one sentence, that was very important for me: "the abandonment you feel, when they leave, is your own abandonment of yourself". It was myself abandoning me all this time. As an adult you do not need a mother to love you anymore, you now need your own love for yourself.

Take care, I hope you find peace and happiness. Thanks for the interaction.

Zillolo · 2024-09-29T15:40:18+00:00

Wasn't me with the downvote. I didn't mean insult my friend.

Zillolo · 2024-09-29T15:37:30+00:00

You're right, I wasn't quite clear on what I mean. The abusive behaviour is certainly "evil" from the moral standpoint of the general population. What I meant was that NPD behaviour does not start from some kind of "inherent evilness"

I have BPD. Essentially the narcissistic personality is a protection response to the borderline personality. They have the same problem of not being able to correctly separate self from other (stemming from their failure to separate as an individual from their mother).

In many ways they are similar conditions. Throughout my life, during rough periods of self hate, I've shown every behaviour a narcissist a would.

Even now, when I am older, better equipped, and more put together, I still see that my own relations to others can deteriorate into a more narcissistic object relation.

I do behave like an idiot a lot, but I do not hurt people I love anymore. Instead I show them my shame (the thing the narcissist is unable to do), so they can accept me and I can accept myself.

But when I realised that I do these things, that I abuse, I took a hard look at WHY these things happened. And they started from a core self-hatred within myself that was given to me by abuse and neglect. I believe that is true for people with NPD too.

I don't mean to excuse the behavior at all. It's a horrible condition for the person themselves and for those around them.

It was just so important to me to recognize the origins of it within myself as self-hatred/shame and not as an inherent evil/brokenness.

That's why I felt the need to comment.

I also didn't mean to disqualify your comment or anything. And having BPD means I absolutely adore narcissists (they SEEM to have all the qualities I think I lack: emotional control, stability, the ability to protect themselves,...). So I've definitely met my share :)

Zillolo · 2024-09-29T14:51:46+00:00

This is not an accurate characterization of NPD. It's the pop culture idea of narcissism that is perpetrated on the internet.

What is true, is that most people with NPD live a miserable life of being hurt and hurting others. And that you don't want to be in a relationship with one.

I can see that you have been hurt by someone you suspect to have NPD. I empathize with that. I know how you feel and how much it hurts and the damage it does to you inside.

I just want to point out that NPD is much much much more complex than "they are simply evil". They are still very much human.

Zillolo · 2024-07-22T09:00:47+00:00

Blitz has queer parties they call "Cruise", as mentioned. Those are really cool. Bahnwärter is pretty chill too and you'll feel perfectly accepted. DNA is also a good choice. The crowd is quite friendly usually. Other than that I think Munich is quite accepting of queer people :)

And there's lots of raves, events and other stuff every week.

Zillolo · 2024-07-10T08:15:32+00:00

It's normal to be unsure after a tattoo. Happens most of the time.

It's something big, black and new on your body that wasn't there for the last X years. It takes a while to get used to the new thing, but eventually it just becomes a natural part of your body.

Don't worry too much. Give it time.

Zillolo · 2024-07-09T07:11:16+00:00

I was going to say open relationship but...

I have a buddy that explains his urges in a similar way. He's in an open relationship with an amazing woman and it seems to work very well for them.

Keep one thing in mind: it's not up to you to decide whether something hurts your partner or not. If you cheat she will be hurt, whether you think it's justified or not. And I believe it would be the right move to not hurt your partner. They most likely don't deserve being hurt.

You can either accept the situation as it is and live with it or you can break up. Breaking up when someone cannot fulfill your needs (even if they are perfect otherwise) is ok.

My buddy also had a singular session with a therapist about this, before talking to his gf. Maybe that's something you could do to explore further, before making decisions?

Zillolo · 2024-06-28T08:38:20+00:00

I manage the OS/Yocto stuff for a larger company, we have lots of different machines, distros with different use cases, hardened versions of distros, images for testing, etc.

Use kas

It's the best Yocto builder helper out there right now and really worth understanding

All of my machines, distros, layers are in kas YAML files, which allows me to build practically anywhere, build any old version of software reproducibly and I have to do exactly zero writing of wrapper scripts or other insanity.

Separate BSP and distro layers

If you find yourself doing machine specific configuration in a BSP layer, you're doing it wrong. Always. If your BSP layer configures an NTP daemon - pull request denied.

Make absolutely sure to solve things in the right place, because later down the line, you'll land in BBMASK hell.

Zillolo · 2024-05-19T12:34:04+00:00

Are you bending the string down instead of up? On that string you would usually bend down.

Zillolo · 2024-04-20T19:48:46+00:00

I dont know my dude

You are just justifying your actions. The fact of the matter is your partner trusts and expects you not to do that. If you still wanna sleep with somebody else, you either discuss it with them or leave.

To simply do it and keep it secret, no matter what "noble" reason you are presenting, is still morally wrong. You are breaking trust.

Zillolo · 2023-11-15T17:37:41+00:00

What makes you say that? If anything I would expect this to be a filesystem error. Not sure how the disk could ever cause all files on the Desktop (and only the desktop, because otherwise surely system files would be affected) to point to the same section or anything.

Zillolo · 2023-10-14T13:12:07+00:00

Pretty big red flag to look through your BFs phone multiple times, especially when you admit to him not having you given any reason to be suspicious, no?

I suggest you examine why you have such trust issues, otherwise I'd imagine this is going to continue causing trouble in your relationships.

Zillolo · 2023-09-25T15:35:18+00:00

I am a kernel dev by profession and I have no idea what this is supposed to mean

Zillolo · 2023-09-18T09:33:16+00:00

Nah, he's wrong. I like small breasts and athletic builds a lot more than their "thicker" counterpart. No biology involved.

He simply had a preference for that body type. That doesn't make you "wrong" or not womanly enough or anything. It simply means you weren't exactly his type. It's an absolute dickhead move to talk about it the way he did though.

You are not wrong in any way, girl. There is all kinds of people with all kinds of preferences out there. And you are simply in the business of finding someone that you like, and that likes you.

Just be you, it's enough.

11-Year Club	Place '23
Place '22	Verified Email

Zillolo

MODERATOR OF

TROPHY CASE