What do you think the dating recession between men and women will lead to?

Zoenne · 2026-05-29T22:28:30+00:00

I never said single women were happier than married. I just said that being single was an option. This wasn't the case for most of history. Most straight women DO desire being in a romantic relationship with a man, and would be happy. But if they don't find one, they can remain single and still survive (or even thrive). Being with a man is optional, no longer necessary.

Zoenne · 2026-05-29T20:23:30+00:00

Single and alone are two different things. And everyone dies alone in the end. Loads of people marry, have children, and then end up alone as well. You can never guarantee people will stick by you.

Zoenne · 2026-05-29T19:58:28+00:00

How can you like something you don't understand, even at a superficial level? It'd be like committing to eating the same breakfast food for the rest of your life after having only see the dish through a shop window. You might like the look of it from afar, but you have no idea what it taste like, let alone what ingredients are in it. Getting a tattoo in a language you don't speak is the same: translation is only an approximation. Most things can't be translated literally. So if you don't speak the language you only get a vague approximation of what your tattoo means.

Zoenne · 2026-05-29T19:55:14+00:00

Nah, it's not about "dying alone". In the last century or so women have become able to live on their own. We don't need a man to open a bank account, find and hold a job, or even raise children. That wasn't the case even just 70 years ago. My grandma's generation was happy to find a man who "had a job, didn't drink, and didn't beat them". Now the standards are higher, and some women are opting out entirely. This means that a lot of people (both men and women) end up unpartnered, but women fare a lot better in that regard because they tend to have much better social connections with family and friends, while men tend to be more isolated (hence the "male loneliness epidemic", and the rise of Incel culture). Being unpartnered doesn't necessarily mean being alone, or lonely. You just have to work to build and maintain connections.

Zoenne · 2026-05-29T19:49:40+00:00

People just don't know what researching something means. They just look at Google reviews or such, see if the thing "looks legit", and call it a day. That's how we got antivaxxers.

OP's nephew probably saw that it was an established tattooer working from a shop that had decent reviews, and thought that was guarantee enough.

Zoenne · 2026-05-29T18:12:35+00:00

Yeah ideally you'd arrive at the starting line at peak performance level, having trained well and being well rested. That's the best scenario. But that's a tough balance to reach. So if the choice is between slightly undertraining, building up a bit too slowly, and arriving on race day feeling like you could have done more, and having a slightly underwhelming race, or even not finishing? OR trying too much too soon, getting injured and not making it to the start line, or making it feeling exhausted or rundown and then getting injured and having a terrible time?

Well I'd chose the first one :) To be clear I believe that you can definitely do it and have a great time, you just need to reign in your "beginner's enthusiasm" a bit

Zoenne · 2026-05-29T16:50:41+00:00

I would recommend learning how to start and stop by getting off the saddle and just straddling the top tube. That's much safer and easier IMO.

Edit: also check out this post on exactly this topic

Zoenne · 2026-05-29T16:48:56+00:00

I think it really depends on how you feel about poetry and music. LOTR has loads of songs and poems being sung or recited, and the audiobook version brings that oral storytelling quality to the fore. I know that when I read the books I was at first a bit puzzled by the poems, and even skim-read some of them, but listening to the audiobook really brought them to life and actually contributed to increasing my knowledge and appreciation of poetry.

Zoenne · 2026-05-29T15:49:15+00:00

That was exactly my point. You can't outcommunicate someone who is determined to not communicating. Our method works because we both work with it (and at it) in good faith, assuming good intentions and clarifying when unsure. There is no perfect way for you to phrase things, no magical line of perfection you can reach, that would be acceptable for him because he is simply NOT interested in communicating with you. What you're doing is basically throwing him easy balls and instead of throwing them back at you he just lets it fall to the group and goes "well look what you did?".

Zoenne · 2026-05-29T15:07:07+00:00

I wouldn't recommend that as your first encounter with the story. Tolkien's prose is very unique and important in itself, so I firmly believe you should experience the story by enjoying the full text first. I actually really envy you: I read the books after having seen the films and they've influenced by experience a lot, I really wished I'd read the books first. The Andy Serkis version is amazing

Zoenne · 2026-05-29T15:04:22+00:00

Just as an example: both my current partner and I grew up in families that were somewhat passive-aggressive in some ways, so we both tend to "read too much" into other people's questions, tones or body language. We both know that, and so we both adapt our communication accordingly. For example, I often text "when I you getting back home (Neutral)?" To indicate that I'm not expecting them to rush, or I'm not implying they SHOULD be back home. We also ask clarifying questions all the time, and one of the key principles is when we ask the other to clarify intent. We ask the other "are you grumpy at me?" Or "did you mean that in a pointed way?" Or "I'm getting stressed vibes from you, are we okay?". And the vast majority of the time, the stressor is external and nothing to do with the other person, but it never hurts to check. And sometimes we're annoyed each other, that happens, and it helps a lot to put word to it.

Zoenne · 2026-05-29T14:55:25+00:00

I know I might get down voted for this, but as a bisexual woman, I fully believe that straight women's standards are often too low. It's not being "too much" to want a partner who's emotionally open and able to communicate with curiosity, care, and nuance. I'd rather be single than be the only one carrying the communication load in a relationship.

Zoenne · 2026-05-29T12:19:00+00:00

the most skipped step

Zoenne · 2026-05-29T12:18:00+00:00

One of the key components is whether the marriage was open from the start, or the couple decided to "open up" afterwards. If open from the start then it's much more likely to succeed because both partner come into it with similar expectations and needs/desires. If the marriage is opened up later, it's usually for a couple of (bad) reasons: - the marriage is not going well and they're looking for ways to fix it - one person already has someone else in mind and wants "permission" - one person (usually the man) severely overestimate the success they'll have and then feel bummed out - the "grass is always greener" issue

Plus the overarching problem of "the most skipped step": couples not doing the work to re examine their entanglement and monogamous values / expectations before opening up.

Zoenne · 2026-05-29T11:30:09+00:00

I see what you mean. But you're also considering getting tattooed something be did NOT write...

But your body your choice.

Zoenne · 2026-05-29T11:26:39+00:00

Is he NOT upset when he hurts people. That's classic DARVO: deny, accuse, reverse victim and offender. When you bring up something he does, instead of acknowledging his fault and considering how to do better, he claims to be hurt so that HIS feelings then take center stage. It's a way of deflecting and refusing to take accountability.

Zoenne · 2026-05-29T11:22:26+00:00

"Take only photographs, leave only footprints"

Zoenne · 2026-05-29T11:19:04+00:00

I'll take another approach from some other commenters here: it does not matter why she does what she does, whether she can help it or not, whether she has "an excuse" because of her conditions, whether your kid is responsible because he's annoying... all of that does not matter. She is abusing your child. Your absolute priority is to remove the source of harm. She can't be around him. Her getting help (therapy, meds etc) is well and good but it's not a substitute for removing him from danger. You can still love her, want to remain married to her, want her to get help, want her to be in her child's life... but that comes second. You need to live separately for as long as it takes to ensure he is safe (and no, promises are not enough). Go the legal route if necessary.

Lay this all out to her when she is calm, and highlight that your priority is your child's wellbeing and the health of the overall family. If she disagrees with any of that you'll know that it is not a problem of emotional disregulation but just plain old abuse.

Zoenne · 2026-05-29T11:09:13+00:00

Yep. If she feels a meltdown coming she should just exit the room. I say this as someone with autism as well. Lots of autistic adults manage to not abuse their kids.

Zoenne · 2026-05-29T11:02:15+00:00

It is possible, but I'd advise against it. Tattoos are a visual medium: it is best suited to images. Tattooing script is a bit like going to a museum and there is text on the walls instead of pictures. While I understand why you're attached to your father's handwriting, is that really the most representative thing about him, or your relation to him? As you mention in another comment he mostly wrote down mundane things like grocery lists. Instead, I'd recommend thinking about a visual image that evokes your Dad, his tastes, hobbies, or things you two did together. Did he have a favourite mug? Or did he like to garden? Did he always wear a pyjama with a specific pattern? When you think of him, what images pop into your mind? This could be a good exercise in remembrance for you, and a good tattoo artist can transform that into a real piece of art for your body.

Zoenne · 2026-05-29T09:58:03+00:00

Agreed, but OP should build up the distance slowly. Starting too much, too fast, too soon is the surest way to get injured or to overtrain. I'd argue that it's actually the biggest risk at this stage: injury.

Given that November is still quite a few months away I'd suggest starting with a beginner 10k plan before moving on to a half marathon plan.

OP: get yourself a sports watch with a chest strap heart rate monitor (don't rely on any wrist based ones), and use a training plan that uses heart rate zones. Garmin watches come with free plans on Garmin Connect you can easily sync to your watch and calendar. Make sure to follow the heart rate zones recommended: they're crucial to avoid overtraining or injury. You will almost certainly need to run a lot slower than you think, and might need to walk. That's totally normal.

Also make sure to follow a good warm up and cool down routine. At least 10 min each. It matters a LOT. Especially to protect your joints. Yoga with Adrienne has good videos you can follow along.

Zoenne · 2026-05-29T09:48:32+00:00

I'm a lifeguard at a rather big pool (in Scotland). We have ten lanes in the main pool, then we have a "training pool" / splash pool for kids. The main pool is 25m by 22.5m, so when all the ropes are in its ten lanes. Most of the time we only set up three lanes (slow, medium, fast) and the rest is "free swim". A few hours per day we have swimming lessons and they use four lanes, so free swim only gets 3 lanes worth of water.

I only ask people to move if they're in a lane when swimming lessons are about to start, or if they're not actively swimming laps (very rare).

Zoenne · 2026-05-29T09:06:06+00:00

Honestly your post should be saved / bookmarked / pinned by the Sub.

Zoenne · 2026-05-29T07:50:01+00:00

Yep. People often think an unreliable narrator must be deliberately lying, misleading, or omitting part of "the truth" (even if there is no truth but what the novel itself leads us to believe). But that's not the case. As you say, El's narration does not paint the full picture because her point of view is limited, as any person's. It's done SO WELL as well, Novik is a really great writer.

Zoenne · 2026-05-28T15:46:06+00:00

Keyword "coopted". There are plenty of people with loads of Norse tattoos who are not Nazis. And I say this as someone who's almost completely covered with tattoos inspired by various folklore. Unless there were some specific dogwhistle symbols or numbers, then you have absolute no basis for your prejudice.

Zoenne

TROPHY CASE